Continued Correspondence Between Two Indyviduals
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2.06.08
If she could only see
she said
she'd dance alone,
or sing quietly instead
or maybe
chase a ghost to bed
...if she could only see.
Because she could not see, she said
she'll wipe her eyes
and charge ahead
or build a monument of dread
because she could not see.
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(A Collection)
1 2
3
4 5
9
13 14
:
:
oo
:
:
13 14
9
4 5
3
1 2
1
0 1
1
1 0
1
0
--------
1
1 2
1 2 3
1 2 3 4
1 2 3 4 5
123456
1 2 3 4
1 2 3
1 2
1
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9 3 45
6 2 6 10
8 31 65
2 5 3 20.
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67 65 46
10 12 80 2
5 14 50 4
6 17 0 7
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1 3
47 101
2,3,5
18 93 37
6
3000 7 632
8
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0
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The gossimer rays of hope and contentment
give way
to gentle sadness,
weilding its measured scithe
and folding a life
upon itself.
The flowers grew red
but turn now to ash
with a casual shadow
of another weed
bloated and guilded
with aggrandized impressions
eclipsed and forgotten
I'll wither
and blow away
---------------------------------------------------------
8.31.06
11:52 post meridiem
Like a cat he naps
on the couch
soon will be fed
his blue eyes
will gaze upon
what cannot be
explained to him
until years from now
and years further
he will look on
pictures to remember
what he as forgotten
so it goes...
Vather now
8.31.06
11:30 post meridiem
There's always a siren
waiting in a drunken ship
(as she sings)
When you enter the broken hull
She's already raised her flag
bearing your skull
As you decide you should
leave for fear of being sent to
a cold watery hell
You snag your flesh on rusty nails
and falter over wooden floors creaking and moaning
your hands slip on decaying walls that feel like wet pulp
trying to hold yourself up
you jump into the water
into a sea that's always upside down
but no matter how long you swim for
no one is around
no one is around to hear your cry
Lightening strikes and God looks down
as he rolls his dice he curses you three times;
once with a painful birth
twice with a life full of empty breath
and third with a slow and rueful death.
I N T R U S I O N
the siren is raped and dead
the ship has sunk with her spirit
the ocean, is dry
you are now on
the shore, God is
lying next to you
gurgling
praying
through a slit
throat wishing
that the Devil
never surrendered
the dice...
V.shipwreck(ed)
7.27.06
He cannot see the light
because he does not want to.
He cannot grasp the life
because he is asleep.
He hides inside a box
of weary, tired sketches
that do not trace the marks
of this reality.
Ahead, in great abundance
weave scores of cares and plans
which swell in disproportion
obscuring the obvious present.
---------------------------------------------------------
7.15.06
Rise from the energy that comes from self control...
[a flashback rides on the melody]
during a lack of control
in the warm pink atmosphere
(of that concrete cell of a room)
we lost self control
horizontal, we played dead
(so they couldn't see us)
our limbs limp with intoxication
weary with denied sleep
but our hearts racing
to be so near
at last
------------------------------------------------------
07.05.06
...and
(slowly)
the wind
(deliberately)
kisses the neck of your child,
re-emerging
(finally)
______________________________________
I am air
(the wind blows right through me)
And I drift, not stopping
I'm pulled by his wires
(they travel right through me)
When I arrive
he quiets
and stares with new eyes
(his gaze moves right through me)
His eyes connect the lights
behind my head
and in their reflection
I see my halo
(the light shines right through me)
_______________________________________
February the 11th, 2006
I awake from a Dream,
with no hair,
a child,
a wife,
and perhaps,
something to say.
the same old things
plague me, yes,
but
i fight
and fight.
eventually your skills
improve...
I awake again
and again and
again.
As I drift into
unconciousness
again and again
and again.
A new story every
morning.
______________________________________V
---------------------------------------------------
andm ybloo dyou rbloo dmi x
frame-shift mutation
parasite
���
--------------------------------------------------
my world is silent
my world is slow
lit by thin veils of words
from another time and place.
my present staggers
quick starts and quick stops
it collapses and folds
it breathes on its own.
I feel for my back
this tired old arch
this burden of flesh
feet regretting shoes.
���
_________________________________________________
7.21.05
I have seen...(!?) (pause and a thought)...and their bones(!?)
With the shards left in my mouth, meat from bone
and their SCREAMs (!?)
as if trying to locate them
I held the door for several strangers and their
"thank you"s bounced off of me
where i left it.
____________________________________Very non-descript
-------------------------------------------------------
aching moment
and petals fall so softly
atop a withering nest
of fallen leaves
and stars so sullen
shed their light
on hopes forgotten
and ever changing eyes
���
--------------------------------------------------------
6.20.05
The Silence is Not Broken, Merely Disturbed (As is the Source)
Unfortunate eVents, as they are
par4thecurse of birth, occur as
a light breeze would on a
hot summer
day, agreeably turning sweat
into
ice water,
fervor, into relief[period]
Aspirations are curbed by an
onslaught of contemptuous thought
for one's self[period]
viscous fluids -I mean vicious cycles
It's a difficult thing to reconcile
the part of your personality which
has developed into a misanthropic
facility[period]
Am I supposed to come to terms with my mortality?
Is it natural that I come to terms with my mortality?
Is instability a product of our acquired cognizance?
Too much information. (?)
I will edit this later.
__________________________________I Vorgot how to do this [period]
ich============================================================dich
he hears her sing
from across the way
tar-stained drops belie paths
not craved yesterday
the lane glistens and churns
through a thousand whispers' wake
just the lull of a moment
for his heart's amnesty to take
he refused to believe
that angels would fly
above the clouds
but beneathe the sky
a split breath propels him
her honeyed potion(s) negate
the discarded submission
his legs now translate
aloft as a free-bird
hope claiming his eyes
the car doesn't see him
cold, wet, alone
he dies.
good===========================================================bye
���
--------------------------------------------------------------
a single hand falls where your thought left a mark
where your words would have danced, now just the dark
your warmth would have flowed
denying the cold
but alas sheets are frigid, bed stark.
���
----------------------------------------------------------------
[ whilst escaping the crowds ]
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3.17.05______________________________________________
Happy St. Patty's
As I wait for my father's death...
Morbid, fucked, I have poetic liscense...
So you have nothing, and I have...nothing...
...but poetic liscense.
I'm trying to reconcile...
...nothing in particular.
Sit and wait. Hope. Fail.
Realize you're nothing.
Realize you're, you're only
hope.
Most of my inhibitions
are long gone...
...for better or worse.
I have hope now...
...and the notion
of my self-worth.
Prose as verse, internal-
dialogue as art,
affirmation,
I know nothing, nothing
more than I have learned,
and I've learned more than
I could have ever hoped.
These statements are without
respect to my saviours...
...Lady J...
...Ms. M...
What can I say? (...)
Buk, K.D.C., S.P.S (Eliot)
J.K., Paulanuck (mispelled)
and...
...I'm sorry, what do I do?
I live, I try, to some extent,
I am made of clay (-t.rez.)
The ghost is a ghost,
of a ghost,
all the ghosts,
all the ghosts
___________________________________V
3.9.05
"Transcendental Algebra"
May the variables I wield,
With incongruous accuracy,
display the result: it is.
And my faith in the operators,
through which they evolve,
reveal one equivalence: I am.
���
----------------------------------------------------------
3.08.05
"Each line that defines us is carefully weighted"
-the Crapon to the Maxx
The door to the pawn shop has never been gated
a mouse in the garden is sure to be baited
though quick to the jump-start his best friend belated
all kindling ignited she was free to be dated
the saw left a gridmark completely frustrated
Ensuring the nation were Junebugs much hated
the lumber now conscious, they soon were all crated
when out on the low-dock one yearns to be mated
the integers, fractions, and reals are summated
���
------------------------------------------------------------------
3.6.05
I experienced a sunset in motion
a vast angel of breathless color
spread her wings and raced to the hills
to be peppered and rippled
with cold starscapes moving over
and burning her feathers to the ground
my mind keeps wandering to the same resting place...
���
-----------------------------------------------------------------
3.6.05
Where Shadows Eat One-Another
A place disquieted, yet not noted
for its vitality, for good or evil
A warm place with a cool breeze,
to spark you from a lanquid state,
to comfort you when your body teems
with anticipation...
see brood for an elaboration
____________________________________V
3.2.05___________________________________________
What, exactly is the reason, or,
what, exactly are the reasons, for
all of this?
Again, it is cold and
my wits are buried
beneath...
beneath...
or within
taken from me
and eluding me
being sent as psychic
parcel from point to point,
unknown
until i arrive again
haphazardly, at some point,
where upon i will
recieve that parcel,
and my wits.
So many nights and days
have been spent,
an unkowable number of
moments, consumed by
a most violent fervor
I cannot, grasp our
history or the state
of this world.
I cannot, right now, understand
what I have felt, been, what I have
seen and heard,or expecially
what I have known.
I can only accept it.
I am fearful and question
the future, I question
my status as a properly
functioning individual.
My tendency
to come apart, and
back together; again
and again and again
is disturbing, yet
seems logical
all at once
Through all of this
dismantling and
reassemblage
my questions are
answered,
my answer slumbers
in the dark and
silent core
and waits to be
found again and again
and again
there are only two things
in this world
with respect to our associates
and benefactors;
You and I.
This not poetry, or prose
It Isn't Anything,
but truth.
_______________________________________________V
Each day has been synonymous
To an old rotary telephone dial,
Winding over and over, only to meet the same abrupt end each time.
The click-clicking wears down, fatigued by duty,
Continuing in hope of reaching out
To another voice in this network of desparation-
Never reaching the heart of what we feel
Silent and concealed like a submerged vessel:
Insecure, reluctant, drifting still through the murky waters...
---------------------------------------------------------------
It's amazing how similar are the visions
1 conjured by your words
and 1 the fuel of mine own.
���
------------------------------------------------------------
She awoke cold and astranged from her bed full of dust.
Feet down *shuffle shuffle* to the door *shuffle shuffle*.
She opened the door to the day filled of echoes.
So grey, she thought, so stark, she thought.
Ghosts on the wind left left their footprints to rust.
Down the street she was carried, past the trees she was carried.
The stones and the sand all obliged to agree.
How the world had (been broken) and its children (all fallen).
She came to the bridge that overlooked great terrain.
And the hills stacked up, soft grey clouds stacked up.
The offenses were gathered as she mustered the courage.
to lean (just a little) and fly (just a little).
Adrift she descended in blackest still water.
So cool (the end) so quiet
(the end).
���
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2.24.05_________________________________early morning rattles...
Copious Amounts Of...
A spare and feeble ivy
arm ascends the weathered,
splintering trellis.
And for what?
To become a brittle skeleton,
a brown and perverse
optical antonymn of vitality?
That's not really what this
is about-
Rigid and careless all at once
Obsessing over the constantly
changing appearence of the moon
ceaselessly morping sky,
It is morning, but it is
a dawn and a
dusk.
(The moon is a soft bulb
in the midst of blue ghosts
lulling by)
I know nothing of the sun
or the day, for they are new
and just beginning over the
hills
at a very grey pace.
quite nice, though, it matters
very little (i hope)
_____________________________________Verocious.
2.23.05
__________________________________________________
thank you mr. buntin
���
-----------------------------------------------------
"Intersteller Narcissism Showers Unexpected Early in Academic Hemisphere"
���
-----------------------------------------------------
4.22.05_______________________________________
Hunter S. Thompson
1937-2005
yet, another who took their fate into
their own hands
rather tenacious for an old man, but we're
not talking about your average gonzo...
Restless.In.Purgatory.
_________________________________________V
2.14.05_________________________________________
we walked out of our
modest abodes
in the valleys,
in the hills
the crowded villages
to embrace our
friends and
lovers
present them
with
presents; such as
scented garments
and
flowers
there was a smell
and a horror
Cherubs' bodies
strewn about...
implaled on their
own arrows,
smoldering
in gruesome
pits
the rivers ran
red with their
blood
all there hearts
torn from
their chests
a massacre
fueled by an all together
different love
.....wicked goth, skin 'em all, and the blondes.
________________________________________________Valentine's Day & Sodomy
---------------------------------------------------------------
one of the many things I know I can't do, and do anyway...
���
---------------------------------------------------------------
2.11.01______________________________________________________________
Your lines are cut in the wrong place,
and-(emphasis on the "and" + dramatic pause)
the rhythm- (dramatic pause)
is all
wrong.
i kid.
i kill.
i couldn't
care less...
However, I care enough about this world, to have the most passionate urge
to lay waste to it, and the majority of its two legged god-fearing
inhabbitants.
I am no better than anyone else
but I'm ashamed to be a member
of the human race
*Lullaby and Goodnight*
you blind and starving
ghouls.
_________________________[shift]
the wind has no place here
love has no place here
not rain nor sadness
only violent agony
Only dried, cracked earth
and our withered, cadaverous figures
lying there, for thousands of miles
around the globe
swealtering heat
deafening silence
grotesque bone protrusions
tight skin, like leather
and hoarse, hot gasps
i am firm in my belief, that we are doomed
i miss you when you're beside me
anything, to feel, before it's all taken away
our reward
for being born.
________________________________________V
Song for the Wasting Ones
_________________________
With undying eyes
I've witnessed
the slow reprise of sorrow
by timeless forces
wishing ill upon the weak
fragile beings
scraping through the Earth
to tend their wilting Gardens
���
__________________________________
2.9.05_______________________________________________
So, very, tired
And tired of trying to understand
why, I am still subject to black fits
why, does my mind
reel with non-sense
words for the sake of words
down-hearted and silent
and for what? to what end?
scathing negations
ripping the hope and
meaning from my life
destroying you and
your place in my psyche
everything perfectly
displaced;
doubtful human monster
a smile says nothing
a voice, a breath, movement
of the body
vivid color and depth
in the eyes
are no indication of vitality
A nod and
reply from
a living ghost
A host
to a most
foul, malignant
parasite
It is human
nature to peronify
It is the nature
of the universe
to dehumanize
____________[shift]
Does that mean part
of me is becoming "one"
with the universe?
(my psychic meltdowns
are just a symptom
of consciousness;
throwing me into such
disarray that contemplating
means to inexistence ensues
as an instinctual reaction
to an onslaught of activity
in my frontal lobe)
is the presence
of indifference, at any degree
an indication
of a return to the universe?
being in tune, connected
to the timeless silence
that we are born into the
midst of?
consciousness as a mutation?
evolution to lead us back
to silence?
are we floating in a big
blue tumor? are we the cancer
cells?
telescopic from heaven to hell
above and below
from DNA straight through
the pages of Kerouac
from Segovia
to Stanley Donwood
from our bones
in the earth
to the holes
in the moon
something is
totally fucking
wrong.
_________________________________Vuck this.
Hint Hint Motherfuckers
2.5.05_______________________________________________
spring is here (for a day), Segovia
is playing in two rooms
An Ode to an Anode
(that's all.............)
____________V
Peculiar Connections found in
"The Coinslave Notes"
1.27.05 Eleven:Fifty, Prime Meridiem
Scanning the walls
pacing the floor what
have I come here for?
2.2.05 Three:Twenty-Three, Ante Meridiem
The sooner I take
to faith or creed
All the wiser I
would be,
I am not a man
of God
I am not a man
of Man-
I am here, and
that is all.
______________________________________________V
----------------------------------------------------------
Dark (and) soft (and) quiet
is our time
beneath dim glowing
dream vapours unfurling
aloft above
a low breeze humming
we dissolve
���
Edit, July 14th, 2005
Dark and soft and quiet is our time
beneath dim glowing dream vapours unfurling
aloft, above a low breeze humming
we dissolve.
-------------------------------
-addendum-
and mix
still twirling
twilight lingers
for days
addendum edit, July 14th, 2005
...we dissolve and mix
still twirling,
twilight lingers for days.
���
-------------------------------------------------------------------
at least maybe i'll get a painting out of this
���
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One. Twenty-One. Two
Thousand and Five.
Two (Ante Meridiem)______________________________________________________
Dream and,
what would i like to say? i'd like to differentiate
between them, the three of them i guess. what would
be "dreams", reality (mine), reality (all others).
i'd like to know the significance of each. and each
relating to one another.
corresponding colors.
conceptual Orders.
how are the stars there? (rather than here...)
bright, brilliant, shimmering, innumerable
are they nothing?
is it rational that my hair is full and long and blonde?
is it rational that ice clings to the porch-light?
is it rational that the earth shook?
who's god am I?
who is mine?
where (am I) are we?
____________________________Valdextrous giants shaped this land.________
JanuaryTheTwentieth
TwothousandFive
Winter's Architecture?
Humility and a certain
calm diffused amongst
us.
Comes with the weight
and sound of falling
snow.
Falling into the trees.
Into the window screen.
Rushing flakes caught
in the search light of
a street lamp, or
the magic of the
moon
Nar
Cis
Sis
tic
div
erg
enc
e
Quietly I longed for
a violent desparation
that i once posessed
or had once posessed me,
but
i see, even in the
best of circumstances
by chains
my body's held
by light
my eyes are burned
by time my soul
is petrified
Fool.
___________________________________________V__________
januarythefifteenth
twothousandfive
six and eleven minutes
"...bounded in a nutshell, i could be the king of infinite space..." bill spearshaker, spamlit
so soon
to job
and for
so long
for what
and how
I KNOW I
can run but i can't
hide from the
believe, believe
you me i would they but
us could them
but never, oh never
should we ever i
them for they can't
and shouldn't you
be expected to....
...I know, it's hard. But look on the bright side, there were all
these times when and you know, remember, it was so cold and
we went and BOOM!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (whew-)
mother never liked
machines
that's why
she
stays home.
and you
wash her
feet.
_____________________________________Vorget you ever saw this
[ Walking Contradiction ]
1.5.05_______________________________________________________________
sleepless recent waking nightmares
waking hell died and come back
a piece of me still there
on my own
i wander
into
the
woods-
your hand is on my back
i know
but i don't.
I close my eyes
and see the gho-
st of an arm th-
e ghost of a ha-
nd, rubbing car-
essing black in-
finite space to
what end?
1.5.05_______________________________________________________________
new year dreams and fears i may be gone
but my love is intact. Stop. start off
the new year with a bang, a couple of
bangs (fists on mourge chamber doors),
distant moaning. they're coming to get
me. Stop. Evil. Stop. Lingering. Stop.
They want me. Stop. Hold me, I feel
empty and old. Stop. cog in the fog.
snow drifts. Stop.
[end vortelegram]____________________________________________V
[ Gaia's Paladin Falls ]
[ Destruction ]
----------------------------------------------------------
I wish I could give you some of my peace
���
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[ My sincerest apologies for the large amount of clutter as of late ]
----------------------------------------------------- [Painting Gallows for the Blind] --------------------
A hollow
Chamber Floods
Invitation To disaster
In death your
Rest's assured
Single spinning slug
A cranial route as
Crashing it fades
Cutting yourself
On chains we forged
With bloodshot eyes
These scarred hands
Can't leave now
You're screaming silence
Sightless Deaf and mute
Can't hear the weakening
You're trudging fallen
Beneath its cracks
Runs the scales
Unto bond and bail
The end to
Mutual inequity
Burning up
As frozen tears
On asphalt build
All but devolving
As they fall
Never know you won't
Ever fear what keeps them
Inside sky colored cages
Why can't you see
These cracked and broken bones
Auditory palindrome the screams
Crumbling to your knees
Before blackened gates
Heeding cries in litany
Is the other side as
Perfect as you'd hoped
Was the trip in vain
A bullet wasted Breaking
Through you disappearing
Through the debris the
Crying concrete finding
Heaven in your dying wish
---------------------------------------------------- [01010110] -------------------------------------------
Tilt. Head Back [Ignorance Is Bliss]. Closer. Functions Swift
Deterioration [Ignorance Is Bliss] The Trip Is Long. Numb. No End In
Sight. Cold Sweat. The Poison Takes Effect. [Ignorance Is Bliss].
Helpless. Fuzzy Logic Faltering. She's Been Cured. Tilt. Cured Of Me.
[Ignorance Is Bliss] Cold Hands. Reeling With The Toxin. Absolution But
A Sip Away. Tilt. Empty Bottle Falls. Frozen Digits Grasping Another.
[Ignorance Is Bliss] Why. Everything I Needed. Shattered Glass.
Acoustics Adscititious. Flooding Back. As Eternity Looks On. Shameful
Eyes Belying. I Had Known It. Had Witnessed Everything. Heaven Had To
offer. [Ignorance Is Bliss] Take Me. Tilt. I Have Nothing.
Nothing Left To Offer. But This Hollow Shell. Tilt.
Please. Just Make It Stop. Once Again Incomplete.
Tilt. Hands Fall. Clasping Frozen Glass.
Curl up. [Ignorance Is Bliss]
Chi lled Mass Of Dysfunc tion.
Eat ing Me A live.
[Ignor ance is bliss]
C ringi ng as it burns.
Ti lt.
D own M y throat.
war mi ng me.
then ta king piec
es of my mind.
a sma ll payme
nt for its
ser
vices.
t i
l..
.
.
t
-----------------------------[01010110]--------
12.26.04
I am a crack in
the palace,
filled with
the king's
bread.
________________________________V
-----[01010110]-----
intangable i
lay decades of ash
falling from frozen
limbs these relevant atoms
surrounding andromeda
revolving planets
of vanquished nova
smashing down
apon teary eyed
dodger a wasted look
towards an exit
a far off gaze
never revealing
delusory hands guidance
along razor wire
iniquitous canines
sink so very deep
as i make
a last request
if you'd be
so kind
cast me down
destroying venerate mind
before those shining eyes
cut me in my sleep again
-----[01010110]-----
12.21.04____________________________
Reprieve
The moon has set behind
the christmas carnival
across the lake
Is it a part of me
which has percieved
an end to the psychic
self mutulation
or
is it the acceptence
that there will
always be a force
of destruction, nay
deconstruction
vortiginously exerting
an insumountable pressure
on my spirit, that has
facilitated this quiet?
_________________________________________V
12.20.04____________________________
My blood is boiling. Stop. I felt myself
sink beneath the weight of helplessness.
Stop. Breath spiraling off in the cold
winter air. Stop. The best money could
buy. Stop. When the water fills your lun-
gs you feel liberated. Stop. And as I pu-
lled the blade from my abdomen it shone
with fresh, hot blood, I considered it to
be an omen of good fortune. Stop. I stopped
in my speech, and my thoughts as well, to
watch your hair unfurl, it was breathtaking.
Stop. "This is the last broadcast." he said.
Stop. It wasn't the first or the last time
he said that. Stop. Every once in a while
the music takes me somewhere I thought had
ceased to exist. Stop. Omphaloskepsis. Stop.
Something inside of me changed when my uncle
wounded a mother racoon from his office wind-
dow, downstairs, outside we went I held the
flashlight while he shot her dead. Stop. I
watched the cubs scurry away. Stop. Visions
of the appocolypse. Stop. Urns lining the
top of a stone wall a quarter mile long.
Stop. The wind blows. Stop. They fall down,
the ashes fall out and drift away. Stop.
But not before the sudden force of rain
paints them to the sidewalk. Stop. The cast
of Don Giovanni, taking a bow at the end
of the performance, and it's as if their
voices are still being carried througout
the contours of the hall, when they all simu-
ltaneously drop to their knees vomitting
blood. Stop. The carcass of a dead fawn
being torn apart by young children in straw
hats. Stop. A gigantic blackbird perched on
the head of an old senile king, sitting nude
on his throne (save his crown). Stop. Head-
stones rocketing from earth into space to
form a spherical mass where upon it will
enter an orbit around the moon. Stop. This
not the last we'll here from it. Stop.
Waking up as your least favorite piece of
furnature. Stop. I heard a noise for which
I don't and never will have an explanation.
Stop. Only God could've told me to do such
a thing. Stop. My conscience was quite clear.
Stop. One day I will have wings and you will
all be doomed. Stop.
[end vortelegram]____________________________________V
12.20.04____________________________
I may be
in ruin
but you
are
beautiful
in every way
I may ruin
your beauty
in every way
You may beautify
my ruin
ruined beauty
beautiful ruin
drip
drop
drip
drop
tic-tic
boom.
blood red clear tear
heart string explosion
and
and
silence
(finally)
______________________________Vor goodness' sake
12.20.04____________________________
The mind works strangely, operating in shifts
that have no place in this world, my world
your world. Stop. The sciences and phil-
osophies that dictate the patterns, the move-
ments, in....in.....where
am I? Stop.
Tell them all I send my best and that things
here couldn't be going better. Stop.
I woke up in the middle of the night, sitting
up, with a pair of icy hands on my bare shoul-
ders, icy breath on my neck, I couldn't tell
where my bed ended and the grave yar- floor, floor
began. Stop.
Lost at sea. Stop. I figured out the other day
that we must all at some time, overlap, our
thoughts or something, everybody's essence can
be felt by one another at some point. Stop.
"DO YOU SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING?!" she said as
we hit the embankment on the shoulder of the
road, the weather was horrible and I was a und-
er alot of stress she just started screaming so
I drove the car off the road, of course I made
it out to be an accident. Stop. Don't tell any-
one I told you. Stop. This is a serious thing,
how many chances like this do you get in life
time. Stop. With all of the positives and the
negatives floating around in the universe you
would think everything would look like it was
sort of, eaten away. Stop. By termites. Stop.
No, by wood-boring bees. Stop. One thing that
has always bothered me, is when I hold the
door for a large number of people, one or two
will say "thank-you" and the majority will pass
along as if I'm not even there. Stop. The spiri-
tual implications of that are astounding. Stop.
If I'm not in bed by three o'clock, I'm done
for. Stop. And then, I was pulled down, down
down down down down, by what I don't know, but
by something. I could feel it's hands around my
ankles. My mouth filled with dirt, there were
candles everywhere, I was flying and drowning
at the same time, mud, water stones and splinters
blood blood I was afraid and then it all made
sense beneath the white halogen glow. Stop.
Cold tiled floor. Stop. Screaming until my throat
feels full of acid and bits of metal. Stop. There
are some things that keep the darkness at bay. Stop.
So, is there just a dark....horizon? You might ask.
Up in the sky it just doesn't matter. Stop. I
thought my angels failed me when the sky went black,
but when I woke in the morning I just found that
I had very little time left, you see, they had
come down and removed patches of skin, large patches
and layed down maggots on the raw spots, encased
those selected areas in glass, let the experiment
begin. Stop. Time-lapsed sky changing cinematography.
Stop. Flames dancing up dingy dirty drapes. Stop.
Ghosts dancing on the water. Stop. The slivered moon
is like a chalice. Stop. Like a sheet of ice. Stop.
The forest bowed down like muslims in prayer, out and
away where the light drops off, and the curve of the
earth.....they sensed the end. Stop.
Like rain. Stop.
[end vortelegram]__________________________________V
The bitter winds surround you
From its harrowed inception
Could you feel its
Tell-tale chill
Here and now so different
Today your incursion
Sets the gears turning
As you stumble down
Setting the devide
Step up to the walk
A broken earth rises
To meet shackled feet
Beneath bleeding soles
A soiled dove soaks
To lessens the pain
And sting those tiers
Seeping through joints
Denying incision
Breaking away
Shelter Your vanity
Collapse in
Stolen breath
Not without failure
Or hope of a cure
The talons hold
Fast the carrion
Placing deceitful
Tongues upon the alter
Speaking its name you
Steal the symptoms
A hundred years of toil
To make your vision clear
The mind It Evolves
In time Repeating
False hopes
An end to the rope
False hopes Repeat
False hopes
Repeat
Repeat
Apathetic eyes can
Not see destruction
Everything perfect yet
All in vain
|
find
eternity
forever
The
At
Only
The
Escape
Bottom
...the spinning ground
my only friend...
the only thing...
reaching up
to break my
F
A
L
L
|
you surround winds bitter The
inception harrowed its From
its feel you Could
chill Tell-tale
different so now and Here
incursion your Today
turning gears the Sets
down stumble you As
devide the Setting
walk the to up Step
rises earth broken A
feet shackled meet To
soles bleeding Beneath
soaks dove soiled A
pain the lessens To
tiers those sting And
joints through Seeping
incision Denying
away Breaking
vanity Your Shelter
in Collapse
breath Stolen
failure without Not
cure a of hope Or
hold talons The
carrion the Fast
deceitful Placing
alter the upon Tongues
you name its Speaking
symptoms the Steal
toil of years hundred A
clear vision your make To
Evolves It mind The
Repeating time In
hopes False
rope the to end An
Repeat hopes False
hopes False
Repeat
Repeat
can eyes Apathetic
destruction see Not
yet perfect Everything
vain in All
|
---[01010110]---
12.17.04
I'm stuck in a loop
It's as if the past
is reaching out to
me........
The dangerously despondent
entity I was is
extending long sinuous
shadowy
flagella from a darkened
point of then
I respond
with an urge to sleep
and eventually
traverse similairly doomed
galaxies to point in time
and space where we safely
co exist (sleep)
side by side
in a non volatile
environment
_________________________________________V
Somnambulators
the shipwreck edit, rough indeed
445am 12.13.04
In the lingering, quiet hours-
Rain or Shine
Sun or Moon
we sneak
we drift side by side
you are a god
and I am your goddess
beneath the sky and
behind our eyes
we sneak
we drift we fall
and collide
We sink down from the reeling
crests in the Ocean Stimuli
We are pulled down through the trough
of a feather-down wave
lulled and warmed
we wash upon
the shore
But
submerged
we conquer
the loathsome
consciousness
together
________________________________________________V
So
pretty
the
snow
falls...
���
_____________________________________________
Somnambulators
In the lingering
quiet hours
rain or shine
sun or moon
we sneak
drift side by side
you are a god
and I am your goddess
we make haste to
the peaks of
warm blanket rifts
and sink in the
lofty feather-down layers
submerged
together we conquer
the loathsome
consciousness
���
_____________________________________________
12.9.04
I live day to day as I suppose we all do
I lose my sanity all the time as I suppose we all do
I love life and hate it
Beauty and Pain equally astounding
Profficiency
Efficiency
Escape my mind and hand
However I believe.......
I possess something that in turn
possesses me
few have that
security
"time has told me not to ask for more" -n.d.
this i've grown to hold as
a lesson and a blessing
of a message
______________________________________Bleak Visage of Winter
12.9.04
Eventual Total Destruction
attract
ensnare
weaken
consume
(eager, hungry)
attract
ensnare
weaken
consume
(seeking perfection, honing skills)
attract
ensnare
weaken
consume
(vigorous, learned)
attract
ensnare
weaken
consume
(too easy)
stalk
ATTACK
ENRAGED
DESTROY
nothing, nothing fills the void
____________________________________Vood for the Vulture
----------------------------
Barbie-Doll Cutie Pie
_____________________
I am an evil girl
misshapen little chaos
creature
I take my victims
as they come
in succession
rendering them
useless
broken beings
I am disreguard
I show no mercy
and in return
expect praise
don't you want me
don't you need me
you can have me
but I'll fucking destroy you
���
-------------------------------------------------------------
sometimes
when it catches off guard
the deep pool of ink into which I can sink
consumes
when all seems holy
untouched and oblivious to which I can think
absorbs
stealthy and black
and scans for traces of weakness
destroys
all faith in this
strange chosen path
sometimes
i'm sorry I'm here
i wonder
if you'd be better off
wishing
hoping
for a phantom angel
I'll never be.
���
------------------------------------------------------------
[ The Noisemakers Will Burn ]
12.8.04
push
rift
pull
mend.
__________________________________________V
----------------------------
am I my art project
Have I
(me)
undertaken
to reform
remodel
unfit existence
better,
to ______
than to suffer the void
(i am not good enough)
(i'll never succeed)
(you can't do that)
i won't make it out
to prove i'm
adept
the nonsense is my bed
but they've unmade it
< end >
���
----------------------------
Do you know What its Like to Censor your Thoughts
*- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - *
(from approximately 365 days ago today)
I awake in a field
sun too bright
eyes bewildered
i stand
the rush of sunlit
wind waves
past
I don't have to look
carried steps
obliged to be quick
I follow
my lead
(I don't have to look)
lose track
of the place
so close to a stumble
shy I don't see
and still
the soft bed
of hay
keeps track
I know my way
I don't have to look
���
----------------------------
12.6.04
Epiphany(ous)?
I live my life
with a gun
to my head
and you
on the tip
of my
tongue
[DreamWakeShockLive]
___________________________________________________V
---[ Suu labg Oror? O sgomj mus. ]---------
Insult to injury
They sell your fate
Mitosis of abstraction
Knuckle cracking
You are stasis seed
Prosthesis
Noetic crime
Function won't
Help preserve
Listen closely dear
You'll hear them fall
Broken bells sign
Destroy the prism
Escaping mind
Close your eyes the
End will soon begin
Closed minds leading
To the cataclysm
Wired plague becomes you
Opens doors beneath when
Repent its scorn you
Wont fight for long
Heavens gates freed leviathan
Quarry cars rot
You'll soon be free
Empty metal shell
Human error
Infraction
Clings our fate
Believe what is spoken
Breaking free
Obsessed you
Fight fallacy
You'll soon be free
You'll soon be free
Yo&'ll so*n .....ree
Ydf'll fdogfjde frwe
Yiuhks.....kjfd fyee
Y...hgl s..n be frws
Hk.....hfkj...fjhdf.....
-------------------------------V----------------
[A Retort Through Broken Teeth]
You found me once
reeling under yellow sun
tasting bitter flesh
We wasted every breath
On incised knees
Pity was negated
Stolen renditions
Prehensile illusion
Divided Consciousness
Separating the silence
You can't
Help but run
Intrepid synthesis
Changing patterns
Prelude to
Courier's calling
Fallacy flame bringing
Endless days
Of ash and mire
Latent iconoclast
comes undone
Back to rebuke
Discord Liberated
Minds collision a
Heartened heir
Broken epiphysis
Clutches of canthus
So make haste
Spineless epiphany
Wired the taste
It won't ever fade
Can you hear it tread
Softly it looms
Constituting peripheral
Baleful this evacuation
You fight
Back to the
Beginning to start
Black skies Sprawled
Cloudless paragon
Overcast Perfection in
Your swarm seeking reason
Broken backed distraction
Leave the world to
Someone who cares
Embryological suicide
Stepping stones
Let's see just how
Far a binge can go
But you can't
Go after this
This life you destroyed
Piercing the cracks
Smiles semblance
Grinning effigy
---[tnecniVincent]---
12.3.04____________________________________________
I will this world
forever loathe
I will this world
forever mourn
so
close
far away
fear and love and awe
i'm sorry
i'm so strange
all i want
all i can't
that which
i won't
(accept)
(deny)
sanctify
vilify
my reasoning, my
being
____________________________________________________________V
12.2.04____________________________________________
The dichotomies of
Life/existence create a
blackhole of logical-
1. submission, surrender
acceptence to and of forces
greater than one's self.
2. disposal of inhibitions
spiritual and physical
3. fear and frenzy
Recycled thoughts these may be, but they
seem important enough, in some part of
me, that they re-shape re-surface and
redefine themselves periodically.
With this, I fell into my muse
thougts unsaid, unwritten unpreserved
visions not rendered
melodies unplayed or forgotten
it's all carried
by the wind forever
to somewhere
in time
forever
the cold, the cold
the birds roll their eyes
and the sheep are lost
in their wool
_______________________________________V
I am opposites.
I am paranoid
I don't know when enough is enough
I'm too sensitive
I'm too mean
I'm too specific
I'm too vague
I can't find a middle
I don't get moderation
My entire day is spent avoiding the things I'm supposed to do and supposed to think about
I'm always running from myself
I'm shallow
I'm deep
I'm vain
I'm humble
I'm a scientist
I'm an artist
I'm rational
I'm emotional
I want to die
I want to live
I'm a writer
I can't write
I'm special
I'm shit
I'm redundant
I'm obsessive.
���
-----------------------------------------------<<
+-----------------+
Star studded
siren Can you
See my secret
Shuffling funeral
pyre you
Looked into
The Past buried
Angels are Eating
the stillborn
Anubis
Conjuring
Stagnant we
Conjuring
Stagnant we
The Emesis
of fomor
Harrowed
mindless we
Collecting
distraction to
Meet rising
demand A Static
discussion
Mitochondrial
Emulation cutting
through you
Stumbling
seduction you're
A slanderous
refute As
monstrous you
See me wanting
more
Wanting
the symptoms
Panoramic unrest
Listening closely
Lifting their
spirits reaching
For intoxicants
in sleep he finds
This Sullen
phallic inquiry
Dipsomaniacal
Entrails
taking point
They hear you
loud And
clearly sedated
Nine wishes away
A Hairbreadth
biopsy Lending
a hand To
indentured
philosophy Deep
Underneath the
Dreadnoughts Are
Slumbering
Dialysis insight
Can you feel
rivers
Overflowing
anomaly
The righteous
will furnish our
Shattered
asymmetry
Wiring's the
Source
A sense
My mindless
dichotomy
Celestial
Dislocations
Perpetuating
Synthesis
Of cumbersome
Burden When
Humanity dwells
Wreathed in lip
Locked
Dysfunction
We from The
Heavens fall
To our oceanic
Embers
And embrace
+------V----------+
Blue Moments Soaked in Golden Light
NovemberEighteenth
TwoThousandFour
Once i stop moving I cease to exist......
born into this
shit world
where very few people
deserve to live
i have lost myself
in the process
all of these ideas
that will never
materialize
a shimmering of something more beautiful
a moment that will never mature
cruel mockeries
of the creative instinct
disguised as casual conversation
damaged thoughtless
machines disguised
as artists, musicians and
thinkers
there is a pendulum
inside of my head
swinging and swinging and swinging
and swinging
back (1,2,3, and) forth (1,2,3, and) back (1,2,3,and) forth
with each swing
images change
emotions change
change change
rain and
light and
hate and
love and
fucking and
stabbing and
screaming and
crying and
caressing and
strangling and
kissing and
hoping and
falling and a flash
flash flash
image change
warm to beach blue sky to cold
sidewalk drunk shuffle in the winter
streets slum city buildings give way
to soft salt kiss wet lips
to cob web throat and broken
bone soap sud sting the open cut wound
white kingdom of sand and salt white palace robe
wrapped around the old stone
grave- sky opens up
cries for
a year the loss of a life
family leaves fall in an october
memory cider mill bright and clean
air strangled
by
a drunken rage
i can't hide or push the pain
or turn the pain into a slave
i can't drown it
or drug it away
it just gets stronger
and destroys my new day smile
i can't wait anymore too afraid
to live to afraid to die
i don't want to be taken
i'd rather take myself
i'd rather quit than get fired
so many
prophet poets
and dream world subconcious sahara safari guides
give you a tour with their brush
push you through a canvas window
into a universe that you could only feel
existed
but now you can see it with the eye
fast handed
careful gentle fingered
minstrels with magic in their voice
sing
tell us
scream to us
and when their last vocal chord rips
we know they're being honest
i thought i could be
one of
those
three
i thought i could
i tried
i gave up
i'm waiting for
the storm to pass
i'm always waiting for
the storm to pass
fuck this
all of this
________________________________________________________________V
---------------------------------------------------------
"...in discovering my inner being I discover the other person at the same time, like a freedom placed in front of me which thinks and wills only for or against me." Jean-Paul Sartre
���
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, November 6th, 2004
in the attic of a 63 year old steelmill worker in Turnsborough Ohio
a single 60 watt bulb fades
and burns out
folly baring no name
as discarded wrappers
winds heated by humanity
bringing them to life
make their way down the aqua duct
and these drugged up streetlamps
bearing scraps of a past glory and a mythical nightclub seen better days
musical attractions and disco whores eating away at the neon city
a city knowing the meaning of contempt
her passing brief; she asked me for a light
asked me for a date and a piece of my mind
an abandoned building found us laying [lying]
drowning in each others sorrows
tasting bitterness
as she spoke in hushed tones
a whimper telling me I was right all along
she killed me so kindly
a smile and a nod
as we both disappeared
separate ways, each carrying only a tangled web on memory
and so� when these dirty hands have too much time
November gives me time to think
A time to think between July and suicide
-[V]----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
of Adam and
Eve?
and strung and strung and strung and strung
���
_____________
taste.
of what else
ever
���
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
_____________of have-nots and has-beens___
Helpless to react
A puppet
With severed strings
Dangling above a leering audience
Some say
He was just past his prime...
One too many
Scrapes and scars
Banged around a bit too much
In the damp crate
He had come to call home
Others claimed
They never much
Liked him to begin with
And yet everyone's a critic
No one ever found out what started the fire in the playhouse
Maybe faulty wires were to blame...
Perhaps some poor sap
Wandering home from the bar
A bit too late
Carelessly tossed a cigarette butt
At just the wrong angle
And those old milk crates
Under the fire escape stairs
Full of ancient newspapers
And magazines nobody cared to read
Would make fine kindling,
A tin can fire
To keep the sullen cold
From seeping into already atrophied limbs
Of a few transients
In the dark alley between two rundown apartment buildings
Just minutes away
Poets, artists, and maybe a prophet or two; past their prime...
Begging for enough spare change to buy a single cup of coffee
Black
Grabbing a few handfuls of salted peanuts
From the pub down the way
The jolly bartender
Turning a blind eye to the few lost souls
Somehow seeing beyond their dirty exterior
And knowing that his meager offering
Was not nearly enough to keep the grinding noises from their bellies
But it was an honest living
But whatever the cause of the fire
The flames licked
Up the walls of the playhouse
Enveloping the bright amber doors
Turning the crimson tapestries
Into swirling clouds of ash in the frigid Boston air
The alarms sounded
Not a moment before the show was about to end
"L� plume de la morte"
Presented by the son of a once great puppeteer
The young mans last show
The drink's what's got him in a rut some people said
But petty judgment
Was cast easily from their minds
As the flames leapt closer
Young girls in their early twenties
Gasping for even a small mouthful of air not poisoned by smoke
And muffled screams from the few unlucky patrons
Who failed to notice the groans from above them
As the antiquated balcony gave way
Supports having weakened...
The Victorian pine, Rotten through decades ago
---
...A rather large man with a bulbous red nose
And a threadbare suit smelling of cheap whiskey
The fire marshal later claimed
That the building was scheduled to be closed down later that month
...Due to fire code safety violations
-V
''Please Don't Fuck With My Freedom Or
I'm Going To Have To Rape, Torture
& Mutilate Your Family.''
-Kurt Cobain
10.28.04____________________________________________
Ibolastrolexiconetricity-ism
a particular order of men
have regained control of
their micro-galaxy indefinitely,
prevailing in the hundedth
battle for supremecy
on the night of a total lunar eclipse
soon we will be pulled along
in noiseless silver bullets:
magnetic-fields like ocean waves
will carry us doggedly yet indifferently
we will have only to steer the rudder,
our options span omnidirectionally
we need only a destination
we may as well be pulled
along blindly
through and to the far reaches of the universe
however quietly
in any case
shape or who or way or how......
in great numbers
or individually
no harm would befall us
to emmulate those men
to any degree
in their hunger and sated hungers
embrace our losses
celebrate our victories
_____________________________________Vo ved vox!
_________________________________________________
sometimes it's just too heavy
can't I put it down now... just for a while...
how am I supposed to go about
a daily routine
what's it all for
���
--------------------------------------------------------------
when all hope is failing
a stifled cry rings not on deaf ears
untouched
unfelt
nausea
burning
searing tears
where are you
���
--------------------------------------------------------------
critical meltdown iminent
���
--------------------------------------------------------------
drasticity rips its old course
tearing and peeling back the edges
what fuck am I doing here
this life
this body
answers...then silence...
I want to swallow the world
���
10.15.04_____________________________________
so ill/ soiled
so ill and/suffocated/quick
soiled/and filthy and/and
thoroughly/infected/heavy
there's no fix/for a death in the sea/the
cannot clean/cannot wash out/change
make new/purify or redeem/comes
down
overtaken
weak
nothing
isolated
gone
obselete
___________________________________________________V
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
���
9.30.04_____________________________________________________
Your Beauty, The Magic Of Your Being, Continuously Dissolves
The Ever-Lingering, Poisonous Residue Of This Haywire Age
We Were Thrust Into.........
As I was-
Young and bootless
the thoughtless
waste of time
yours and mine
ours and theirs
his and hers
everybody's
anybody's
anywheres
to rationalize justify
persecute calculate
contemplate
S T O P
the beatless heaviness fake poetry and
listening to bounty-soft hip hop-
___________________________________!
The Way It Should Be-
As the seasons change and
rearange the winds the hours
the summer-saturated bright
sunlight games
I become all too aware
more so than before-
augmented every year
the presence of a hole
or the presence
of a presence I cannot name
This (These Things) I know:
The familiarity of a grey day
the cold caress of the wind
vitality and fragility all at once
creating The Art of Autumn
the same darkness
the same sadness
hopelessness
helplessness
mindlessness
exhausting listlessness
will follow me
forever
however..
this time around...
bound for heaven
or hell....
or languid liquid oxygen warm infant slumber suspension.....
i have a ghost to dance
with me and not around me
____________________________________________________V
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Another day steeped in distraction
the warm perfume of sweat lingers
as a dream precursor to
heightened sensory pleasures
amber light and pink air
as you gently help me along
���
--------------------------------------------------------------------
9.23.04_____________________________________________
......We do not speak to eachother, because we know too
much- we keep silent to each other, we smile our knowl-
edge to eachother.
Art thou not the light of my fire? Hast thou not the
sister-soul of mine insight?
Together did we learn everything: together did we
learn to ascend beyond ourselves to ourselves, and to smile
uncloudedly-
Uncloudedly to smile down out of luminour eyes and out
of miles of distance, when under us constraint and purpose
and guilt streamed like rain.
And wandered I alone, for what did my soul hunger
by night and in labyrinthine paths? And climbed I mountains,
whom did I ever seek, if not thee, upon mountains?
All my wandering and mountain-climbing: a necessity
was it merely, and a makeshift of the unhandy one: to fly
only, wanteth mine entire will, to fly to thee......
-Friedrich Nietzsche
THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA
third part.
48.Before Sunrise
-------------------------------------------------------------------
it's funny to think so much has already been said... that *kd_098^S Dh&*))fd>,m isdgfiJ U86j3..w &*iu7*4 u@_1 .
���
9.20.04____________________________________________
i am corrosive self doubt
i am a constantly corroding shell
of a human, eaten from the inside
out
with corrosive
self doubt
my being is steeped in
disillusionment
my being is stripped
drowned, suffocated
wrapped in layers of
lies and truths that
cancel eachother out
i am made invisible by
the war that is fought
inside of me
i will lay still and let
the fire bring me into
a quiet and motionless forever
___________________________________________V
===================================================
Culture Lesson No. 2
social conditioning: the learned task of imposing one's own corrosive self doubt on others
ethnicity: the particular brand of incest delivered to hungry mouths screaming with disillusionment
���
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Culture Lesson No. 1 Contrast
As seen by a twenty-two yr. old white male
whose current function in society is that
of a hard laborer, with no defined spirit-
ual foundation or political affiliation
being modestly educated at best and a quasi-
autodidact due to premature isolation.
(Take that as you will.......)
______________________________
cultural landscape:Cathedrals of metal and stone stretching
high above oil slicked and sharp garbage slums, neat and pristine
toy village homes, mingling with marred and beaten Mother Nature's
beloved conifer battalions, vast albeit waning mountain valley
green meadow oceans, Great arteries flowing full throttle with
innumerable salient steel cells tying-connecting the whole mess
of man and his dreams and nature and her remaining beauty.
social interactions:each interaction is a strand
imparted from one creature to the next, originating from
a great web. This great web is an entity in constant flux.
When one being interacts with another, they draw from the
web, the strand comes from the web, through them and to
their chosen subject. Each interaction is infused with the
essence of the web, which is a myriad of raw emotions, even though
the intention of each interaction is different i.e. harmful, good
natured or merely instinctual.
For more see: The House of Logic and Lack Thereof
by, Dr. Marco De Cambiar
language:The language.....is.....uh...sounds, like
wrapped around the uh, st-strands, i guess. I wish I had
some pseudo-intellectual poetic hybrid of an explanation
but i've done enough damage as it is. Class is submissive, wait
no...dismissive....DAMN IT!.....class is a lover, I mean all
over....done....dismissed. GO!
________________________________________________V
===========================================================================
Culture Lesson No. 1
cultural landscape:the filthy brick shithouse gardens in which we squat and vent
social interactions:the eternal monkey dance of stubborn, stupid beings
language:the broken glass death cry of fragmented music
���
-------------------------------
the magnitude...
of such subtle
gestures
like ripples on a pond
spread
and continue
the strength in such
soft
falling feathers
breathe.and.slide.skin
turn.purse
quench.
the steadfast stillness
of your gaze
in
time
constructs behind, beneathe
closed doors
a rising cathedral
���
______________________________________________________
-silence-
once a burden
now a friend
in between
I slave
and drag
all for a dream
held so tightly
of being so very
complete.
to taste it and see it
now held out in front
teasing
I just want to give up
surrender to sloth
to rest in the warmth
by your side
every night.
but some things must wait...
as I concede
It's killing me
slowly
���
8.9.30____________________________________
i don't want to close
my eyes
but the light is too
bright
i don't want to stay
inside
but all i want to do
is sleep
and
drift away
to those strange places
my head is such a mess
and your're the only thing
that makes it quiet
i try to will your presence
or at least a strong image
but the noise and the war
and the monsters inside
are too many
and too angry
too hungry
in this way
i am weak
i am sorry
for being in
such disarray
__________________________________________V
-----[fourfortysevenayemeightoneninezeroofour]----------------------
she's.
got.
wires.
its kind of like falling...
...but it's not as if i mind...
all there is at the top is solitude...
...the height was making me nervous anyway...
-------------------------------[V>>>>>>>>>>iiinncent]---------------------------
8.17.04
sun and moon
(and stars.)
rusty knives
green
strobe on
slow drugs.
eraser,
backwards.
throw this away,
forewards.
sshhh, it's okay
don't talk.
plunge...
pop
burst
bleed...
w a r m
sleep
____________________________dark always dark and foreverV
That's the sickest fucking
thing i've ever seen,
good work hobble meats.......
I saw moths spinning webs
F O C U S-
capturing tiny pieces of
machinery
oxidizing before my eyes
the whole scene
is growing sour
dark
and
silent
it rains
(washes over........)
again choked for words
i am just eyes
i don't recycle
i see the world and shit
it out in my sleep
when no one is watching
_________________________The Vorcissist
i figured...
i should try it on...
...before the ink got too deep
8.9.04_________________________
On Involuntary Movement
Sensory overload-systematic shut down
conserve fuel-conserve energy-brown out
buckle down
Autopilot ghost of the
Machine
___________________________________Verfication of mechanical failure
7.22.04______________________________________________________________
no.
thing.
_____________________________________________________V
Like a child-------------7.16.04;12:??:??---------------
there are very few things I know to be true
alone with the trees I could be with you
as wind sweeps through the freshly bright air
but warm and dark sheets are fit to compare
still comfort enfolds, leaves turn a soft hiss
like wrapped in your arms permit dreams of bliss
���
--------------------------------------------------------
The circus is pandamonium.
7.12.04
It has all but stopped raining, I've showered
the dust off of me
The maven sleeps.
(and) the misanthrope
is but a wire away-
by taps and silent
laughter
we navigate the late
evening hours,
presently
Today the brain yielded
great waves of hope
hope for creation
hope for a movement
now it all settles
countless tones
travelling through space
together in dissonance
have fallen into one
din of perpetual fatigue
bringing on grey dreams
and thoughtless want
bringing on half dreams
and sleepless want
it is
raining
again
_______________________________________V
...i miss you guys
____________________________________________
I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY
HEAD!!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!! I'M SCREAMING IN
MY HEAD!!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!! I'M
SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! I'M SCREAMING IN MY
HEAD!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! I'M SCREAMING
IN MY HEAD!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! I'M
SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!! I'M SCREAMING IN
MY HEAD! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!!
It's all right
I'll go to bed
after
I set my muscles on fire
And vomit water
stop
moving
die
(please)
wait.....no
not this time
_________________________________________________Vor my own good._______
-----------------------6.28.04;16:42:41-----------------------------------------
TVortex
how fucking appropriate
mankind's worst invention
save
nuKular weapons
(Thank you Mr. President)
just suck me dry
and leave me with nothing
but a frontal lobotomy
they know what you want
what you've come to accept
not having to
think
imagine
do
for yourself
it's all there
in that plastic candy shell
lives worth living
P.S. not your own
the beautiful people
P.P.S. 1-in-a-millions
complete with theme music
P.P.P.S. culture gone down the shitter
what more can I say it's a fucking tragedy
---------------6.28.04;3:2?:??----------------
asleep no more
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it's been too long since I've watched the sun rise
now here right now I will wait
anticipate the grey emerging
becomes blue
then pale yellow washes up from below
I know
even now
I'll look in the sky and all I'll see
is your face
-------------------------------------------------------------------
hope (for once)
there's much to be done
so much to be done
when we finally broke
through the shackles and
tasted the aging elixer
fermented by the fruits slowly harvested
slowly grown
(so tender now)
It seems it was far more potent
than we estimated
left us drunken and stumbling
insane and saturated
not knowing what to do
unsure of steps
But surely we're moving
approaching some steady state
well, not steady
but the spirits may be wearing off
we wake up in a dream
drunken and delirious
but holding a vision of perfection
and beauty
the world is open
our palms face up to catch
the bittersweet nectar
raindrops that mist
there's much to be done
there's much comfort in knowing
in some parallel universe
our beds overlap
and every night
you are mine
-------------------------------------------------------------------
6.27.04
It's All Poison Ivy
and so heavy
pictures, pictures, pictures
back when they were
happy(?), lucid, living
prettier
all ghosts
the houses and gatherings
the smiles and stares
it has
all been broken
forgotten
the love
of one another
relationships dissolved
by time
my mother.........
i can't
senses, emotions
my perception
my heart and nerves
worn
from a steady
session at the
bar this fine
weekend
turning everything strange and uneasy
my past
my father's past
all these mappings of memory
images burnt onto
the paper
all i've got
to peice it all together
maybe all of it is
finally getting to me
maybe i'm getting to it
arriving, paying attention
seeking out the stories
and lives of all these
people
wrestling with the idea
of becoming those pictures
mortality
mortality
mortality
mortality
mortality
mortality
vanity, the insanity of living
knowing you're going to die
being in love and sharing
your soul
filled to the brim
by the beauty around you
sweating ectsacy
freaking out, running around
in a world that's falling apart
all
to be washed away
and left to
converse and smile
in a photograph
(a whole universe)
held in your child's
hand
and on
and on
and on
it makes me so tired
makes me want to run
and get things done
it makes me want to get it over
with and cross the river
drop the blade
by my own hand and own my death
it makes me want to live
makes me want to smoke
makes me want to quit
and so on.....
makes me want to take
you away, into the woods
away from everything
away from electric memory makers
and nostalgiac conversations
fall into a forward motion
with no rear view mirrors
until the earth reclaims
us
with all of our joy
and sorrow
with all of our
suffering
all pain
becomes silence
once again
and the happiness
will grow flowers
______________________________________V
Q: What do you do when your reflection points and says "this all wrong it is though and gone dead move next on dwell things to better past in not on better things now see can't are you, you self-(sad)-indulgent narcissistic bitch"
A: You point back and say "you're right."
P.S.: There's much to be done.
------------------------------------------------------------------
6.24.04
A Little More Action
Forcing them to come
the words i mean,
Pulling them from their
Dark house
Off of their Dark horse
Making them go to work
Welcoming them into my
house of
Dormant assumptions
Teaching them how to
negotiate my perilous
course of pride and creation
loathing and destruction
In a lame race
On my lame horse
Before sleepless, starving
spectators
Yeilding only a dull roar
At the end of the course
In the center of the labyrinth
The source, this creature
A monster born from these
strange fields and waves of
waning vitality, waits-
hoping my soldiers and
i will arrive, and execute a
mercy killing
So we can all move on
with our bizarre existence
with a little more
purpose and passion
____________________________________Victoriously
6.23.04
fire and
heat and
smoke and
burn and
choke and
twitch and
smile then.
[submersed]
steam and
sink and
cool and
soothe and
bathe and
breathe in
break then.
________________________________(V1.)
rise to meet you
from the water
nothing other
(than)
nature's mother
i was concerned
i'd stay beneath
the mirror lake
the glass water
now i will wait
so you will see
that the hungry
oh so ceaseless
universe could
not consume me
north and south and
east and west and
one life one death
a second life
a second death
the seas and winds
the seasons wind
through and above
i am now a
total madman
frenzied by the
emerging waking
second life dream
standing at the
edge of your deep
staring hard from
the edge of your
of your forest
________________________________(Vlastly.)
6.22.04
it's hard to think the fear
of this latest year of
insanity is broken
i
re
collect-
one autumn day
a beautiful day
the first beautiful day
i had had in forever
i could smell
i could see
i could sense vitality in the universe
after
a day of that
a night
of this;
bottle of hard cider
appropriately called
"blackout"
guests of honor
at this occasion
me.
maybe i got in the car
and chased your ghost around
windham county
maybe i didn't
i can't remember anymore
people say
"man, it's all a blur"
and then laugh
like it's a good thing
some bullshit youthful right of passage
i'm just relieved
to know
that now, there is no mess to clean up
that now, there is no mess to make
it washed over my
brain
that it's over
i can wake up with
you in my arms or
in my thoughts
without a knife in
stomach
i'm tired
and i give up
i just want to sleep
and dream you until next time
no more vanilla sky
no more rise
only silence
and your eyes
_____________________________________________________V
6.21.04
once
two
now
three
occasional-
ly
huddled
secret-
ly
sub
conscious-
ly
purposeful-
ly
attempting to express themselves
beautiful-
ly
here the
vortex
articulates itherhimself
masterul-
ly
speaking the madness of life
hold out your hand
and become a blood brother
so we can speak to your bones
so they can speak for themselves
no need for names
when we're in eachother's
veins
that pulling of your hair
is only the dark half calling
that vacuum in your lungs
is only a reminder
that always near you
in you
above you
below you
it is
_______________________________________________V
----------------------------------------------------------------
6.21
the world just became a lot more me
----------------------------------------------------------------
6.20
the world just became a whole lot softer
----------------------------------------------------------------
...savnac ruoy si yks eht nehw
6.20.04
this is a time of speechlessness
and befuddlement.........
here i mark my confusion,
fear of death
and the fact that;
"the same thing i'd want today/ I'd want again tomorrow" -Robert Allen Zimmerman
time has told me
all a man does
is wish what he wasn't
and wish what he was
as the sun rises
and the heat
gets hotter
i want nothing other
than a cold glass of water
the madness
of living
turns us inside out
leaves us spinning
like tops into
the forever
through the crust of the earth
burst a great tree
that's all
_____________________________________________Vhat ever
sometimes there are no words
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.14.04
There's death in the shadows crawling on his back
his spine scraping the damp pavement
Night of course, the only palatable phase of waking
Besides and anyway
Feathered moth-holed dark-dyed garments barely clinging
The stench of an old endless hunger
An angel in his own right, a demented doctor with disagreeable patients
yes
He's like an Old Machine
Lusting after rusty blood
Cold and unseen
Blue sheen, sharp, peirces the skin on the back of our necks, so gently
The quietist madman writhing through
the streets, a new walk, on hands and knees
Like Dracula scaling walls, smelling the scent
of soft red-heads, running with a pack of weightless wolves
Webs spun in his empty sockets
Is his voice a whisper?
A growl?
Can Death speak?
Telepathy, anything?
I think it's more like a painting
speaking to you and threatening you
by merely its prescence
mystery manifest
time manifest
space manifest
creation and destruction existing
happening simultaneously and continuously
without end
words- dead and alive
like him crawling through my mind
their skeletal shell
holding their meat
their
meaning
being pulled through the streets
by my sleepless senseless electricity
Back to him, her, it
politically correct
metaphysically correct
stones erect
(....themselves for the sake of other stones)
only
__________________________________________Vorgive me Oh Soul!
I share the same hope
Do you even realize the magnitude
of this thing
on the order of 10 to the infinity
so huge
so huge
so huge
THE RED
and drip the tears because its real
spill 1
spill 2
drip 3
What happens when you divide 2 by 0?
UNDEFINED
----------------------------------------------------------
6.10.04
Life is psychotic
R XZ14 L1412B 8L16V
20L 4RV DR208 BLF
L18 14V218 BLF
______________________________(.........)
1227am 6.10.04
you and your drasticity
There Are Formless Conscious Entities That Wish You No Harm
There will always be a stone
for you to lean against in my cold, lonesome
boneyard (you bring so much warmth)
Certainly you�re welcome there and soon
when the time comes
you may sleep forever below the flowers
and above any angel
Throned, forever spinning in a black hole
somewhere in the universe
trapping light
and releasing
whenever you please
but for now
sit on the soft earth
and know that the silence
is all for you
____________________________________V(isceral quiet)
-soft-
both light and skin
warm but blue
surely the two ends meet
in electrostatic touch
sinking, yielding
into a remote corner of time and space
opened only a short time ago
measured against a lifetime
of confusion and distress
yet now bathed in blue
and dark
delicious and thickly intoxicating
(how your gaze softens in the dimness)
[where ghosts are not allowed]
naked, unnerved by the silence, the narrow space:
-0233 13-381 13-1448-55-377-113 212 -2333333333333---555 1-5514421 212 233234813.
-1233 89-132-2-55 -1448-37755-5513 23323333333333344488 1334 -23321-2-55 -21-377377-55.
8-8-21-1321 -13-558-55, 8-8-21-1321 1289, -8 -377-1, -128-55 21-13-3771 -5555-558 -233-55-3428-55.
conciousness swirls.mingles around itself
coughing and choking
recursive moments of perception
beginning to understand the almighty red growing
stain getting matters (into)
apsorption
displays the automatic
always laughing.dying.joking the life away
penetrates to unknown.unseens
and unseen.unknowns
never wasting a second embracing hypocracy
destined to fail unless
by some miracle fate picks (she) up and
turns around.inside out
someone can't help see
destroy.
mame.
crucify.
chickens.fish.swans
don't know when they can't say
because all eyes are removed
(as)
unseen forces unite straying entities
playing back on recursive doctrines dogmas of self fulfilling
intricate lies imperfecting the slaves
but happy to do their destiny
fulfill perspire and drag
(on) unknowing unaware of the great foe to come unheard
(on) the night creeps in like a storm
but the unkowing unforgiving silent
death
impedes all (re)cognition
accomlishments disturbing the flow of signal
signals signals
beginning in the early years continues to lash out at
cumbersome utilizations of terrible sources
(of) pity
the only one who decides to fiddle around
with the monotonous tone of discretion
but always (never)
appearing and forever the signals dance.and.quiver
[siX/ZerOfoUR�]
they drift
lost among the madness
float on like tired clouds
moving but not breathing
swept in motion by the wind
never to learn
or awaken
is it in the water
or in the sky
or in the booze perhaps
something holds them
enslaves them
entrapped in a wandering,
rambling state
_________________________________________________________
5.24.04
i want to move through space, not in it
what's the point
in a series of points
parts two parts this and oil mixed
sensibly will grow
flawlessly as long as our message
is conveyed, concisely
weighted down, however
ascension only to be had
through the magic in the motion
of thoughtless things
it's (quite) unnerving-
to be alive, again
but this time i really have
no idea, every moment i stay
awake, well of course
it's par4thecurse of birth
_________________________________________V(ortechnological advancement)
5.18.04_________________________________________________________
THE GREAT MACHINE; we float upon through endless
black and endless light, our little machines
change and sculpt the Great Machine. We were made
by some machine within a bigger machine. Our Great
Machine is really just a small machine within an
inconceivably bigger machine. We are little machines.
And there are smaller ones. And smaller ones.
Hills carved, pushed away, lifted out
I can't even get into it
I can't handle it
all of it
My elbow is throbbing
Dead so young
Nick Drake will live forever
in our ears by his wonderful
music
Dead so young
Jean-Micheal Basquiat will live forever
by his art, his name carried
the grit and esotericism
I don't know what the point is anymore
In a moment of carelessness
I felt the tininess
of my life, in a new way;
in some capacity overcome by
the futility and the hopelessness
and frightened into retreat by the possibility
of falling into the drab pattern of billions
before us, those of us now, and the billions
that will soon follow of
being (some of which to my dismay are trying to employ themselves)
joyless
starless
moonless
bloodless
laughless
mindless
heartless
sexless
musicless
poetryless
oceanless
tearless
screamless
voiceless
fearless
Shining steal inside the mouth
I really just wanted to get over with it
through with it
the ease with which i could it seemed...
Close your eyes what do you see?
colors, shapes, people, shadows,
buildings, fire, food, cars,
cats, baby geese, baby girls, baby boys
high-school, middle school, old friends
new friends, dead friends, mom, dad,
brothers or sisters, fireworks, apple pie
potatoe pancakes, the roads in autumn
covered in leaves, walking through those leaves
what can you smell, halloween?
This could go on for days
Whole worlds contained by this
five pound piece of meat
locked inside of a bone cage
that harbors big marbles that recieve
light to make all of this possible
blown out in a red mess on
a canvas behind me
I would like to see that put in a musuem
entitled "everything, ever"
_________________________________________________________V,indeed
mild frustration exaggerated for the purpose of poetry--------------
beautiful day
the kind that makes you want
to stay inside
and waste it
but the guilt would be
[SIGNAL INTERRUPT]
moonlit nights
walking along the
[RETURN]
fuck...where was I?
things to be done
shelter to be made
logs and rope and
[SIGNAL INTERRUPT]
sweating the day away
he's painting and
possibly STOP IT
not smoking?
wFoUnCdKer
[RETURN]
the logs stacked
nesting ensues
but at the moment chaos
sounds much sweeter
feedback
determinism
and
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING
[SIGNAL INTERRUPT]
GRATING
WEARING
his head bowed
his fingers precise
determine the mood in the room
(CAN'T YOU LET GO FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES)
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
GET Out of my head
GET out of my
Get out of
Get out
get ...
consume devour conquer abandon surrender
what will be left when you've stolen my thoughts
Word games are fun!
Obsessed, I forget how I deny I am.
----------------------------
an unsuspected
unexpected memory
plucked by a strangely
unexpected melodie
leaves the human sobbing
like a baby
what strange times
-----------------------------------------------------------------
5.13.04
clouds drift, fog rolls in
everywhere
is haze
adds a shade of grey
to all things (suprised?)
slowly pulled away
into a world with no words
before i know it
i've traveled thirty miles
to sit and wonder
to sit and
to sit
(everything is green the way it should be
but something dark and old is holding onto me)
______________________________________________V
5.12.04_______________________________________________________
It's officially summer
sanding
sanding
sanding
sanding
in the hot sun
perpetual din of orbital sanders
bizarre high pitched frequencies weaving
in and out of the low hum
phantom sounds?
Mystic summers.......
so much time has passed
since last
i wandered through that place
on a regular basis
with or without purpose
recollecting
remembering
trying to remember anyhow
albeit hard to grasp
and that much of my past turns
me woeful and drawn long about the face
without much reason
(i like to think i've made amends)
my life is a life
not just a ride
i was forced onto
(anymore)
__________________________________________________________V
5.11.04
the tiny black silouette
of a bird, pitted against
vast blue
of bigger things he knows not
only in passing perhaps
of better things he knows not
only from coldness to warmth perhaps
however, he knows he is
and must keep on
being
_____________________________________________________V
a seed unfolds
the human begins
pain and hunger and blinding bright light
then seconds drag and stretch the
skin flesh and mind
slowly pain becomes pleasure
and strings become freedom
existence transforms and soils
twists and kneads til the bearer emerges a differing entity
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.9.04________________________________________________________V
no music this time
it does not end how it starts,
on a different note perhaps?
Perhaps no notes at all...
i don't know what is wrong
i can't put my finger on it
i can't taste it
i can barely sense it
zombification
but a strange kind
there is a violent sorrow inside of me
i feel like there is something inside
of me that wants to break
a
lot
of
shit
for
no
particular
reason
other than
to exorcise
the demon
that grips
my
balls
in its
hand
and won't
let go
if my skin
and my
blood
and my
bones
and my
brain
could scream..........
(they would)
____________________________the Vortiginous black mass is upon me
5.9.04 happy mother's day
rub--> friction --> smoke --> fire!
burning, burning, burning still
(interuption [a voice]) "can you hold please?"
i reluctantly agree
bad music
very bad music
wait a minute it's calling me names!?
Fuck You!!!!
(hang up)
rub--> friction --> smoke --> fire!
burning, burning, burning, burning
burning, burning, burning, burning
burning, burning, burning, burning
(eons later)
burning, burning, burning, burning
then it rains.
I'm ruined.
_________________________________________________________V
Split in half
encombered by
the sudden release
leaves me frenzied
static like tv channels
with no input
buzzes and hovers
thoughtless and mindless
(fucking insane)
now a gaping trench
excavated
cavernous and damp, still warm
echoes don't even escape
rinse
repeat
______________________________________________________________________V
5.2.04
Two and half hours up
grooved pavement here and there
and bad drivers everywhere
hot in the car like
an insect (writhing in the sun)
loud murderous music
over and over
"long live the new flesh".....
finally,
the Piscatequa bridge
cold, crisp Northern air
wofts in and around
I've arrived, I'm free(er)
Ninety-miles-an-hour
down these vaguely familiar roads
excellent
_________________________________________________________________V
4.29.04
Machines, Nightmares (Dream, quietly....)
(something is behind us)
it was cold and ticked like a clock
it smelled like oil
it reeled its limbs against us
piercing our bodies and every time it struck
it shrieked like a train
straining to stop
we found ourselves
impaled and consumed by
a machine stronger than hate
and more gruesome than the
pale twisted face of death herself
its lights were blue and hypnotic
its lines were......smooth
and erotic
it seduced us with it's sonic pulses
and mechanical rhythm
then it looked into our eyes
with its burning lense
showed us
its power and turned upside down
tore into us with teeth
it poked and proded
it even smiled
it roared into our ears
that we would never see light again
this is the end
then we woke up
in disbelief
_____________________________________________________________V
4.26.04______________________________________________________________
it rains...........
i'm mindless.......
(pulled away by his obsession)
motionless-
what
to
do?
and then slowly, ever so slowly, sinking, sinking more
from the water grows red flowers
[Flash]
the sky clouds moving oh so fast, light changing,
dead earth changes, green emerging, flowers sprouting
up from the ground almost violently
[Ripped Away]
calm, in the water, turning red, why am I here
how did this happen?
[Flash]
people crowding city streets scurrying (like rats)
it's just life moving fast, taxi cabs, and street
side supermarkets, treasures on blankets, suits and
jeans, dresses, and rags broken pushcart dreams flesh
limbs people and automobiles moving in and around eachother The
Great Machine!
[Ripped Away]
i shouldn't have done this(red flowers in a red sea)maybe not, it won't
matter anyway, all of this, too much, all of the extremes, nothing
is sacred nowhere is safe, this is so black, i do not want th-
[Flash]
(waves crashing)
[no return]
---------------------------------------------------------
SO FUCKING ALIVE
I feel...
------------------------------------------------------------------
driving along
doing
going
S T O P
(recall)
doing
going
thinking...
S T O P
(reminisce)
carry on
wasting time
earning money
S T O P
(recall)
doing
doing
dreaming
recall
driving
beauty everywhere
paintable fields
like Monet's Cypresses
chair in the middle of the...
S T O P
(nostalgia)
(longing)
(longing)
(being)
----------------
inexplicable
undeniable
yet so very soft
and creeping
like tendrils wrap
and squeeze
-choke-
no, not choke
but possibly
to a lesser degree
steal breath
and sleep
and thoughts
I want to sleep beneath the stars, with (dot) (dot) (dot)
-------------------------------------
twelvethirtyAM 4.15.04
somewhere, between my nightmares
and lullabies
fly these little angels
who wake me up on these dark mornings
that drip, mist
and pitter
patter
now i must.....
i cannot wait.....
...in the arms of sleep.
______________________________________________V
4.14.04inthefirsthour ofWednsday
As it's raining
I'm thinking but not sinking
to that place
of warm tears and sighs (or desire for such)
Little darkling birds singing
from telephone wires, above
the realities of the lumberyard
on the otherside of the fence
I wonder if they approve of me(?)
It doesn't really matter
I'm sure it's the last thing on their
tiny minds, spinning with thoughts of
hunger and flying elsewhere
Standing in a butcher's coat
smoking a cigarette I realize
how amenable I've grown
over the past two days
in several ways
and how my cup has
grown smaller, and less is required
in more ways than one
and, fearing that the delicate fabric
that is stretched over my good fortunes
at anytime, will tear
leaving them all exposed and vulnerable
a bit less
and considering the venerability of
the forces that perpetuate these certain fears
a bit more
I don't want to be broadsided
strangled or exploded
To war with invisible things
effectively
I will give them life
so I can take it away
_____________________________________________V
4.14.04
Waking...........
............walking.....
.........stop-
I dropped something.
(pick it up)
_____________________________________________V
C O I N C I D E N C E
yeah right
Recap of a forgotten (discarded) dream
circa November 2003
the second premonition, by the way...
.dreaming world.
....
blue
attic
slanted ceiling
everything blue
but with yellow somewhere...
and yellow light from the door to the floor below
and so incredibly warm
somehow you were there
but I couldn't see you
the one phrase I spoke:
"this is ------- heaven"
....
then it was realized... sometime in late december, two days before a final, when a strange journey led to a strange trip
.waking world.
....
you sat in the attic
with its blue christmas lights turning the walls and slanted ceiling blue
melting into the floor, playing guitar
there was a yellow light from below
and yellow lights out the windows
but you were bathed in blue
and just kept strumming that guitar
the night changed, much passed
but you remained steadfast and static
just strumming that guitar
I never wanted to leave
I thought I was in heaven
....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can I possibly explain something that can't be put into words
241am______________________________________________bring out the Dead
a grand opus indeed
all of this.........
what more can be said?
so heavy
the indescribable agony
of
waiting
fragmentos de un deseo
ya es asi
.................no more
TIME TO-
Hold it in
Feel that slow burn
Keep it in
That awsome feeling
Open your eyes
The dust is settling
We can sit now to
Watch the ghosts dancing,
The world knows nothing
of what we know
We know everything
we need to know
_______________________________________________________V
-----------------------------------------------------<
I never could have imagined how warm one simpled gesture could be...
-------------------------------------------------------
Antstarren entlang das Meer
wird er kommen?
gibt es Hoffnung fuer mich
nachdem alles besagt und gemacht ist
irgendwas fuer irgend-Preis
aller von diesem fuer dich...
nicht
fuer alle wir getun haben koennte und alle das gewesen sein koennte,
sondern
fuer alle, die wir tun koennen, und alles, dass sein koennte
it's over
the palette scraped clean
not
for all we should have done, and all that could have been
but
for all we shall do, and all that could be
I can't believe how big the world seems...
___________________________________________________________________________
four.eight.ofour
touche
SOMEtimes there are no words
sometimes they're too bright and buoyant
or full of murk and
pull
us
d
o
w
n
but sometimes,
in one fluid, spectacular gesture,
between silence and thunder,
they split the darkness in half
________________________________________________V
fuck another life when we're both cats
what about this one now
this too, shall soon end
this mess soon resolved
I can't even begin to imagine the warmth
In the whirlwind I drag you too
your patience inspires me
--------------------------------------
____________________________________V
Abril El octavO,
open your eyes
it seems at any time the world could end
right when the peices fall into place and
the rueful expression on your face washes away
the ground gives way
but
in that one second to hear that sigh of relief and
to feel the warm embrace tighten
i'm assured that a thousand years of darkness and anguish
didn't and will not come to pass in vain
it's nice to be filled with feelings
that don't make me want to slit my throat
for a change
________________________________________V
On this cold morning
as leaves danced over the asphalt
like the spinning doubts in my mind
I saw a glimpse over the horizon
of something I cannot describe
an enormous waiting conglomeration
of years of pushed away thoughts
plans
hopes
I can almost feel its warmth
but then I look down
and realize
I'm still wading through the mud
--------------------------------------------------------
4.5.04 twothirtyinthemorn(ing)
The ground gave way
to flowers
The sky opened up the great eye blinked
Dropped one enormous tear
to feed the children
Clouds parted the universe
became sympathetic
Allowing me, for a short time
but time none the less
to feel real and somewhat significant
Allowing my heart, for a short time
but time none the less
to be at ease, and beat next to it's other half
_______________________________________________________V
______________________________V
4.1.04
Consequently, this grey weather
has made those of us who are
shadows
quite invisible.
_______________________________________________________________(rain)V
once again, sitting here or there
with the night on my shoulders
i ask quietly of the universe
why, what, when, where, how?
as usual, there is no reply
external or internal
no closer to revelation
in fact, substantially further displaced
often the case when questions
are asked, more questions ascend
and leave little v shaped wakes
that ripple, expand and then dissipate
on the placid glassy surface of......
........swans are majestic and cats have it all figured out.
____________________________________________________________V
TIME TO-
rise from
rise from hate
rise from
rise from fear
and
all those things
that twist the heart
to have enough
courage and
enough passion
to not look back
get the smoke
from my lungs
is all i want
everything else.....
patients
sleep come upon my eyes,
please
rise from
rise from this
no longer tied-
strung up by my own wires
up and down
a difficult task it is
to maintain a sense of clarity
a sense of direction
remain steady in the pursuit
finding the center
in the midst of waves of unpredictable
perturbances of varying degrees
flux
fluctuate
flux
fluctuate
flux
ya es asi
amazing
_____________________________________V
Times like this, where there's nothing I can do but this, I realize
I never really purge all that needs to be purged. It would be too much, and
besides, there aren't even words for half of the things that go on in my
head. It all boils down to reaping what I've sewn, experiencing what
millions
of other drones of flesh and blood experience. I'm enduring the script of a
movie. I'm lodging complaints that are spewed from the mouths of
countless lovelorn little boys and girls. I cannot make idle conversation in
the prescence of her, my mind sinks, and along with it, all of my aspirations
everything I've done, everything I'm in the process of doing. Why? Call me
weak, yes, please call me weak. In the snow, driving, shitty roads, highway,
a modest
sixty miles an hour, anticipating. Off the bridge, into the back of that
trailer truck, into those trees, pull off to the side of the road and suck
on the fucking tail pipe. This too shall pass. Sage advice from my grandmother.
This too shall pass, and come again, come again to pass and come again.
I'm sure glad that I have a way to get on in this world, a job, a bed
friends, numerous unlikely saints..............but why, why why why does it
all dissolve into the hot steaming bullshit. Lodging complaints, some one
call the govenor, this is a state of emergency, pandemonium. No it's not
get over yourself, swallow it, swallow it whole, like a big fucking cock
hanging out of some creepy circus clown's oversized, hideously brightly
coloured pants....while he's laughing at you of course. I like to say
I want solitude, it's a good idea anyway, but that never works. However,
it seems like my only salvation. To stay the fuck away from everything. I
cower in the midst of Death's shadow, even when I'm busy running around, I
cower in the midst of Death's shadow when I'm alone. Most would say, well,
take life by the hair and drag it screaming down the street if you're
always in that position, what have you got to lose? I've seen and felt
how good life can be. Those days of the nearest-completeness are long gone.
Now it's just something dangled in front of me....I'm chasing it and
dragging it, and the passers by grind there teeth and throw rocks. This
will go on forever. Recycled words. The same shit over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. I feel so fucking petty, I feel so fucking ugly, wretched, absolutely wretched
I just broke the violin.
This is the last broadcast.
___________________________________V
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION:
who ever survives can only run and run and run
over the surface of the earth
in a rain of falling angels beneath one white
burning sun
left to sift through the blanket, of soft smokey ashes
mazes of bodies and sullen debris
let's hope it starts raining
to wash out the poison
to polish the bones
dissolve the residue of lost memories
we cannot stop this
it's going to happen
there's nowhere to hide
in this world of misgivings
and fathomless, seceretly interconnected rabbit holes
i just wish that everyone
knew
it's all for nothing
nothing at all
for the time we dragged our
knuckles on the ground
until now as we gaze on Sedna
with our own clever devices
is but an
attosecond
__________________________________V
3.13.04
(over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and .......)
Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.
-maynard james keenan
(lyrics from aenima)
________________________________V
THIS IS THE TITLE
if i go to sleep
i'll probably dream
and that would be nice
very, very nice
all of a sudden
a gust of wind blows
and i fall right over
(into the mud, and it's raining, and children at the top of the hill are
laughing, but that's o.k. because i enjoy the weather, and i think children
should always be laughing)
i look for my keys
and i'm holding them
i go to get a cigarette
and there's already one on the table
i play a song and forget it immediately, sometimes
while driving i think of something funny and
chuckle to myself, but i probably wish some one
else was there, because then more laughing would ensue
i'll think of beautiful things
then i come to the conclusion that there are too many
overwhelmed, my gears stop turning
eventually, i regain focus
quietly, i resume (whatever it is)
now, i'm writing
i'm not exactly sure what i'm doing
are we ever?
i think i'm almost finished
however, the feeling
to keep going and going
is quite prevalent
but i must sleep
must i sleep?
sleep i must.
now i go
and think of things that have been
things that are being
and things that have yet to have been
and.....
adieu
__________________________________________V
been over, been over this before
been over and over
been over this before
And over, been over this before
so over this.
Been over this.
So over this.
Been over this.
Over this before
-apc
_________________________________V
FebruarythetwentyninthLEAPYEARthreefourteenintheAM
no will
only involuntary actions
the instinct to breathe
to move perpetuate this
vicious circle of life
and death
of life
and death
tears are not
it's the roar that sounds
the end
the break
the meat and the substance
i fall to my knees
a broken being
waking up
out of the coma
out of the dream
only to face
what are these feelings
so very strong
stronger than i could ever be
taking my personality
twisting and twisting
never could i say
never could i be
anything anything
broaching the weakness
the lack of individuality
the inevitable duplicity
how can i say
born without cause
propelled into this world
where science says alot
but there's no science of the heart
numbers equations or words only clever deceptions
i just want to rip it out
slowly seperating
working against me
knowing the deepest
cannot let it
it controls me
in the safe, the dark and silent
knows not where i am
it finds me regardless
its vengence relentless
i need not my soul
long has it gone
laughed and left me
for the far reaches
of this cold universe
knowing the mechanics
the schemes and the systems
made it so easy
for these spiritual things to dis
regard the physical being
me that is
me of course
no need to be vague
i'm just trying to say
somehow someway
i've lost all of my knowledge
i'm now just a shell
(pull me from this madness the ocean is my goddess,
i have no control over my mind's sinister process
i'll distract it with the wind, and leave it on the rocks
to bleach in the sun, and worry about how it's going to
acquire another unsuspecting host)
______________________________________V
Februarythetwentysixth
twothousandfourSKIN CRAWL
drawing lines
and in between
it's not quite what
think it is........
is it grey?
where are the lines
drew them well
now they're gone
all this time
spending time
counting hairs
and walking fast
none of this matters anyway
shining steel inside the mouth
i'm headed south
the greatest battle i've lost and won
plays itself over and before i know it
waking up to a dream i never had
(like water through my fingers)
it never had to be this sad
______________________________________V
TRANSMITTANCE
a sound carries
through space
travelling in the hope
of hitting
something....
...instead,
on and on it goes,
and soon enough
its source has been
extinguished by time
lost and tattered by
the tides....
erosion
or
remarkably
bounces off of this and that;
numerous surfaces
traverse in and out of channel
greeted by receptors
processed posessed
and released
to carry on
given the freedom
to diminish
augmen
or
fluctuate
V________________________________
TiresomE
it's an overbearing
sense of futility
that tears me from my surroundings
without warning
there is just too much to do
and everything
is so fragile
so very fragile
and it's the notion
of life's fragility
that instills in me
a preoccupation with my own
mortality compounded
with my anticipation of dreadfull things
when my day to day is for
some reason pleasant, the future promising
after an unhealthy stretch
of inexplicably sad evenings
i've come out resentful and curt
perpetuating the idea that there
is something significantly wrong
with my chemistry
in turn forcing me to question
my past, all the decisions i've made,
question my present wants and needs,
the proper distractions are of
no aid to my current motives (conducive to j-o-b, real life)
i get swept up and run around
like
a
madman
and lose my wits in the end
try again
although all of this may be redundant,
yet another introspective joust, but
it is nearly all i have at this point
a plane on which
(my only true channel)
to reason or wrestle with
these asshole demons
that i once welcomed, and now
want nothing to do
with
_____________________________________V
CONSTRUCT
i've taken
my bones
made a structure
taken my skin
and stretched it over
taken my hair
and weaved and tied
made a place for me to hide
my muscles twitch
everything exposed to open
air
the sting of the world
i cannot endure
they will find me
curled into a ball
on the floor
dried, brittle
mindless
__________________________V
februArysiXteenthtwothousandfOUR
ifeelasifIneverhadcOntrolofMylife
RIDICULOUS!
alone, closetosilence, driving
thinking, gears turningandturningandturning
purgatories here and there between distractions
indecision, fear, so much fear,
ominous, forboding feelings eating me alive
and this horrible underlying quiet-
cyclical; late evening depressions
fatigue, inactivity, fleeting moments
of dispassion granted to me by confusion
and frequent bombardments of thought
all the possibilities
the music
working for the music
cannot bring myself to lift a brush
so many images
predictable sequences of
intro/retrospection
can't escape the past
trying to see through the frosted glass
fate laughs
gives me the finger
dealing little hits
ego shattering recapitulations
of a booze-slaughtered
julius
ranting, crying, bleeding
leaving, driving
squandering the sky
how silly,
all of this
only to be swept away
from the earth in one
exquisite gesture of
fate
v____________________________________
you and your fucking german........
When you leave my heart sinks
ya es asi............
that's the way it goes
the dead can rise
and the sky can tear
at its invisible seams
the air fills with
the sounds of slaughter
and screaming
how disturbing
i'm about to rip myself apart
and set everything
on fire
Add one gigantic rose, it's head in the clouds
stalk rocketing out of displaced broken
ground, the Innocent gasping and twitching
bodies fixed onto the great thorns, their heaven
has found them, among the birds, still higher,
where tears freeze and sit like diamonds on
their pale cheeks, salvation, relief
ah........the smell of flowers, beauty has
once again unfurled her tongue and tasted
of sweet, sweet sorrow
the blackest ecstasy
______________________________V
nocheinmal ich wandere
wann soll ich ueber Physik denken
meinen Lehrer weisst nicht...
aber meinen Geist fliegt
ich will nur ficken
ich will nur ficken...
noch mit das schlechte Wetter
meinen Koerper schreit
gib mir Fleisch
gib mir Sex
gib mir etwas...
in die Vergangenheit dachte ich
dass nur Maenner fuehlen diesen Dinge
Ich will ein Mann
vom aus der Diele
pfluecken
und haben
verletzten
bumsen
ich wird nicht erfreut sein
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
you and your
damn
german......
Another Adversity Disengaged
like slow somber music.....
i pull the blade
slowly, steadily
from my abdomen
the blood ebbs
and i Smile
it's warm
it's my
reward
_________________________________V
wenn du noch ein mal "ich wird eines Tages mit dir sprechen",
wird ich dein Gesicht abschneiden.
ich hasse wenn du dass sagst.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Perhaps if i was a Virtuous person and something really
wrong happened to me this is how i would feel,
but i just feel sick.
V_____________________________________________
FebruaryTheNinthTwoThousandFour
sit bound
to silence
so qui et
the n e ed
t o write
overwhelms
my stupid
b r ain
but i just
c a n n ot
think well
e n o u gh
a slig ht
n a u s ea
t i c kles
my insides
and
i give
up
v_______________________
M d A r D a N s E t S i S c
In the red, obsessed i can't
deny i am, chained to the wall
out on the edge, where the best
and worse can happen, never
never have i been, so tightly
wrapped around the cold iron lattice,
like twisted angry ivy hands, not
even i can understand, always on
the edge, where a great vacuum
resides
your light bends, bends around me
screaming is all i hear and blood
is all i see (clouding a sea of stars).....
......the life was drained from the
Universe, recycled and spewed
back out, the Death cry of
Innocence.....
....the Oceans were sucked dry
and Beauty itself was made
Obscene (the end of the world)
___________________________V
Finally, it seems as if I've been accepted by the gods of good Fortune
(and pushed along by a Guardian Angel who listens to the The Grateful Dead
________________________________________V
I cannot bear this Pain
However it keeps me
It�s a pain quite sweet
It�s warm and gives me purpose
I�m swallowed
Consumed
I fall
and fall
There is no end
I sit
with a sober spirit
and solemn face;
the familiar contortions
of anguish have long
left me
and now only
tears convey
the suffering of my soul
at this ungodly hour
Of all things, I�ve come to love Life,
Whose gift was you
Some part of me, I fear,
Is blindly devoted
Utterly and blindly devoted;
To be so young, and relatively new
And by habit, more often than not
Unjustly sardonic towards
the Universe (like a punished child),
Shakes me�..
And I cannot help but
Question my intent
Evaluate my motivation.
But this leads me nowhere
To question myself in this manner
is only a vain attempt in maintaining
some sense of metaphysical integrity,
Which I never consider otherwise...
In my dreams and waking hours
Your image whimsically (constantly) emerges,
Doting over orchids or
standing before the ocean as
a tragically beautiful Apparition
Green Labyrinths know your step
Painted skies know your gaze
And in your presence every star that burns,
burns away with Sanctity
________________________________________________V
REALIZATION (ONE OF MANY EXPLORATIONS IN THE LAND OF INFERIORITY)
I've now just looked on pictures
of men and women
Immortalized in the pages of some
obscure compilation
Their pictures and poetry
Noble and sincere
They were motivated
And now Validated
My poetry (if it can be called that)
is Death
An abomination
If it is not Death
it is the squirming
all Too Human
fear of Death
It twists around itself
and feeds off of itself
recycling its own waste
and does not venture
it doesn't hunger
Because the author
is a dull and bumbling
coward
123181
___________________________
Arbol
I bit into
a fruit
ripe with anger
With each
Bite I
Swallowed harder
Everybite
Grew more sour
I grew dark
As dark as night
I slipped my roots
into the earth
And there I stayed forever
_______________________________V
THE PROPENSITY OF ANGELS
We fall
our eyes leave us
We no longer need our bodies
Soul becomes restless
Broken bells
Clatter and chime
Towards the sky new beings climb
The hour has come and will last forever
________________________________________V
HAIL HELL THE BLUE PLANET!!!!
It is hard to create
and harder to destroy
I've ALMOST nothing concrete
in my mind or
in my heart
this is purgatory
a new age of listlessness
Upon my arrival
it has come to light
that I must make my own way
in the Absence of Polarity
And away you
go...
The Sun lit the earth
Death and birth
Converged
Mending
the
rift
I gave a hard look
from the corner
feeling slightly
abandoned
Having nothing to say;
I made no difference
and resigned myself
to silence
But my head was
screaming.
______________________________V
ThreeTwentyThree
InTheMorningTues
dayFebruaryThird
___________________Exercises In Futility In The Field of Suffering______
Predicament: I cannot stop listening to Mer de Noms.
Observation: If I listen to Mer de Noms one more time,
I'll feel like cutting my hands off.
Suggestion Offered by Colleague: "Why don't you
just make it easier by killing some one else and then yourself?"
Response: NO ONE IS WORTHY OF MY HAND.
Justification: I have no enemy I respect, or friend that I would
give the luxury of inexistence. We all suffer together. That's
why we live.
Conclusion: i think my favorite song is "Sleeping Beauty".
______________________________________________________________________V
DOWN, NOT DEFEATED
i wish it was warm
i wish it would rain
i wish
the sky was soft and gray
and that intensified green
was clinging to the the grass and leaves
while the wind passed
through the screen of an open
window, giving life
to the drapes
wind chimes outside
weaving in and out of discordance and harmony
i wish this underlying sadness would leave me
where ever i stand, sit, or lie
my body fills from it's core to the skin
with some indescrible
feeling, thorough; my whole self seizes up-
Full circle
just when i think it's safe
and that i've escaped
i'm found
and forced once again
to dance around a fire
and watch some one burn
although i
am eager to
live and
make something of life
i'm running on low
i'm going somewhere slow
there's too much smoke and not enough.....
fucking broken.
____________________________________V
I'VE WASHED MYSELF OF MANY THINGS these
passed few months. I've made peace with
many things. My brain has been fucking
consumed by some of the worst, nameless
emotions and images I ever thought existed.
I look back on things and wonder how I
could get so twisted, when deep down
inside I knew the possibility of prosperity
still existed. All of It, the sleepless
nights, chronic fucking nausea, and absolute
agony of consciousness were/are all just
ephemera. I know I'm still susceptible to
all of these things, they still lurk in
the corners waiting for me to show signs
of weakness so they can go in for the kill.
Today I feel some of them around me. However, some
other shadow of the psyche is moving gently around
me. It's weightlessness has given it stealth and
freedom from being classified. Now that I've taken
a shower I think it's gone. Too many V's.
I N T R U S I O N
(transmission from the past, dated 10.25.03)
WARNING SIGNS: slipping away into my own indeterminate Hell
The sex is great but
my my my
Heart has
gone somewhere (?)
"Asshole...."
THIS IS
en
t
rop
y
1101001001101000110
If the, just once the.....
now and here all facades
found their melting point
none of you can bullshit
me or fuck with me
I am alive and learning
every second.
It's not the skin
It's not the mind
It's not the godless
endorphin rush or
invertabrate fear
It just is what it is.
taken
away
again
Conciousness As An Analeptic
The art of Autumn
clinging, laying
hanging
projecting (consummate beauty)
everywhere
the most sensuous potent
season has
arrived and will
depart or dissipate
steadfast
mysteriously
(sadly)
But to be up in the day
is wonderful
Mystic...
Aware, Awake early enough
to observe the subtle
transitions
of shadows and
shades Makes me want
to be alive
for the rest of my life
to be continued............
______________________________V
WHAT'S THIS?
A garden
some light
electric or natural
I know not
.....yet
But green
very green
"I've lost my touch"
he said
As he planted his
already tragically
fragile, dead, brittle
flowers
"And apparently my sense of smell"
After this absurd little process
unfolded into incompleteness-
knees in the dirt
"It's impossible," he thought "to fly and be
free while the sky is still around you."
_____________________________V
And so on..................................
Mildly CrestfalleN
(time is a teacher time is a thief)
To love darkness
to love light
to see them dance together
Ah, but that is when you start dealing in shadows
What is this?
hearts and minds being
thrown into chasmal realms of ruin
Should we make it out
in sound condition from these unsettling
descents
We are faced with a world of absurdity
no gods
no heavens or hells
no devils
only men-
dragging their infected forms
down dreary streets
contemplating the tragedy of beautiful women
(those that have the wherewithal�.)
How could it be
with the magic of pleasure
and the magic of pain
that there is no magic in the air
and in us
only thinning blood
hollowed bones
and one heart
with tear filled
chambers?
V__________________________________
Dreams are unnecessary when
concioussness is warm enough
lulled away into sleep
dark, silent and complete
V____________________________________
UPSIDE DOWN SLEEPING SLEEPING DOWN UPSIDE UPSIDE SLEEPING DOWN DOWN UPSIDE
SLEEPING
It's quarter of nine in the morning. Apparently my body is ok with
the whole sleep thing. Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright
Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright Alright
why am I awake
there are no cookies to bake
if i lived in space
i would have no face
i would be imploded
or at least ripped apart
by aliums and robots
and deadly sonic flatulations
my noodle done gone
i keep selling
stolen bits
of.......uh
handed down from generation to generation
then slavery was abolished
i couldn't do it by myself
who does that
anyway I'm here to say I love the Darkness
yes it's controversial
but I've been won over by the fantastic falsetto
the front man looks like the love child
of freddie mercury and robert plant
why is the grass so shiny
it's the Darkness
kickin' ass
how can one worship nirvana and appreciate the Darkness
MOXIE!!!!!!!!!! I'VE GOT MOXIE BROTHER!!!!!!!!!
V_________________ORTEX____________SWEET JESUS!!!!___________
Silence? (answertoriddle)
My A f f i n i t y for the v or tex
is strange
sick
unreasonable
keeps me up all night into the morning
and has driven me to aspirations of having
an elaborated "V" inked on my body
nice nice
Odd things are more likely to happen when a pet name
is applied to a hypothetical
entity that is borne out of debauchery, chaos, entropy.......
It's equivalent to some philosophies of God. You see it in
many places, hear it in music, it's presence is prevalent
in the world. In everyday scenarios. In extraordinary scenarios.
It's a creator and destructor. However I don't believe it has a
will of it's own, it's a proxy, agent, mediary, emissary.
A learned student in the art
Of the inevitable, perennial Come-Apart
(and then strangely re-arranged and put back together again
in some mixed up Picasso-like fashion then the result (monster) being
paraded in the streets strung up on a lamp post, shot with
truth serums and left alone to rant and rave ceaselessly
nine decibels above pain shaking it's head oh my god the visions
are frightening and manic. Strung up Christ-like crucified bound
by ropes and chains however arms angled up body like a V, head
down silhouette in the street light moon light cobble stone roads
everything shining with rain patchwork frankenstein of ill logic
and asymetry a martyr in a mist filled parisian nightmare)
fin
-petite mouette purdue
V____________________________________________
R i d d l e . . .
What's the one thing that only when you question it, is it not there?
again it seems I'm trapped
in a making of my own disguise
or is it a disguise of my own making
all I want to do
is get back to that warm place
the only thing
that's ever been certain
within this vortex chaos life mess
get back to...
but again I'm trapped
I'm always caged
���
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of Course
To get lost then to find
and drowned in sorrows be
that the end is nowhere near
flowers do still bloom
and wilt so gracefully
On some autumn evening
long long ago
I gave my soul away
to a sister of the moon
I never really knew
Thought it only misplaced
I came close to expiration
Thinking I had failed the world
Time broke, and stretched and tore
Red moons rose and lightening spidered through boundless skies
Countless moments of measureless beauty prevailed
and the darker yet honorable monsters of monumental adversity
would bow and exit stage left with complete reservation
On some autumn evening
long long ago
I gave my soul away
to a sister of the moon
I may lack conviction
Rarely am I at ease
But if my soul is safe
Then there it will stay
V_______________________________________
NUN, BEGINNIN WIR MIT ANDERE LENGUA
Alle mein Leben habe ich etwas gesucht
etwas dass kann ich nicht nennen (Du)
Ich gehe irgendwo
aber wo diese irgendwo liegt, weiss ich nicht (Mich)
Er glaubt dass ich nicht mehr
ueber ihm denke.
solle ich lachen
oder Traene machen?
Wir sind ein Paar
in meinen Geist...
es ist etwas
noch nicht heist
Dass ist Alle... Ich muss gehen, zu ihm finden
zwischen Verruecktheit und Betrunkenheit...
Ich habe dein Ring
und hast du mein
wir sind gebunden
in meinem Geist
ist dass meinen lustigen Traum?
���
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRUE ENESIS
I crawl into bed. And it's cold. There's a ghost beside me.
I hold on to the ghost. The ghost seeps through my skin and
wraps itself around my skull. I can FEEL it. It's like needles and pins.
Snow falling and static, those are my nights, between the few exhausted
distractions. Loss of faith, resurgence of faith, the future comes and
the future goes. Always at night. During the day it's all a fucking joke.
During the darker hours when I'm awake, my respective worlds are asleep and too
far away, and slowly becoming foriegn. Isolation holds the best design
for dismantling a personality. It's happening all around the board.
I want everything to happen all at once, so eager to get all things in
motion. One step at a time, nice and easy. Tedious. I would like a glass
of wine and Nick Drake coming through large speakers, if only for a song
or two, or three. To see all my friends in one room. With all of the
bullshit going on, wild and almost endless. Grow up. Fuck this. It's
a dream dreamt long ago, a fire long burnt away, its sparks and cinders
being pulled straight up into the sky by some great spirit devouring
spirits. Is it so soon that life has taken us by the balls, we can't
scoff at the world anymore, now officially fed into its horrible
machinery? It must be. However, I myself am being held back as a
student of life, I failed the "FUCK YOU! I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" course.
Walking products with awkward postures being worked
into the markets. This started about one ghost, now it's about all
of them. Must go downstairs, smoke a cigarette, turn on the television
then I realize, oh shit, no distraction, here it comes again-
krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Then i can feel the ghost on my brain. Over the bumps and grooves
around the stem, down my spine. But still,
krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Static subsides, then there's this terrible warmth, the kind I
felt in some post-apocolyptic dream. I think long enough about the good
things, and the fact that dear friends are also losing their minds
in their own realms of isolation, I wonder how it's all going to work
out for everyone. After agonizing, silent, cerebral sessions, like this
I come to many conclusions:
There's too much poetry to be written
There's too much music to play
There's too much shit to do
The world is always in a state of emergency
The universe is on fucking fire and exploding all the time
Everything is absolutely insane all the time even in the most
obvious examples of stagnancy. Run with it, even if there's nowere
to go.
So profound and SOOO meaningless. I deny how obsessed I am, not.
Ya es asi.
(Absorb De La Mare, be pulled away again by the
aesthetics that(many don't have)are easily lost and obscured
these days)
WALTER DE LA MARE
1873-1956
THE SONG OF SHADOWS
SWEEP thy faint strings, Musician,
With thy long lean hand;
Downward the starry tapers burn,
Sinks soft the waning sand;
The old hound whimpers couched in sleep,
The embers smoulder low;
Across the walls the shadows
Come, and go.
Sweep softly thy strings, Musician,
The minutes mount to hours;
Frost on the windless casement weaves
A labyrinth of flowers;
Ghosts linger in the darkening air,
Hearken at the open door;
Music hath called them, dreaming,
Home once more
AUTUMN
THERE is a wind where the rose was;
Cold rain where sweet grass wass;
And clouds like sheep
Stream o'er the steep
Grey skies where the lark was.
Nought gold where your hair was;
Nought warm where your hand was;
But phantom, forlorn,
Beneath the thorn,
Your ghost where your face was.
Sad winds where your voice was;
Tears, tears where my heart was;
And ever with me,
Child, ever with me,
Silence where hope was.
HAUNTED
FROM out the wood I watched them shine,-
The windows of the haunted house,
Now ruddy as enchanted wine,
Now dark as a flittermouse.
There went a thin voice piping airs
Along the grey and crooked walks,-
A garden of thistledown and tares,
Bright leaves, and giant stalks.
The twilight rain shone at its gates,
Where long-leaved grass in shadow grew;
and black in silence to her mates
A voiceless raven flew.
Lichen and moss the lone stones greened,
Green paths led lightly to its door,
Keen from her hair the spider leaned,
And dusk to darkness wore.
Amidst the sedge a whisper ran,
The West shut down a heavy eye,
And like last tapers, few and wan,
the watch-stars kindled in the sky.
V____________________________________
THE FOUL TOOL THAT IS THE ON-LINE TRANSLATOR
Permeate in three other languages apparently means-impregnate.
Nous sommes mais une
fois soutenuet pendant
une courte p�riode nous
sommes vivants assez
bient�t nous avons couru
notre cours et donnons
nos corps � la terre
We are but once born
and for a short time
we are alive
Soon enough we've
run our course
and give our bodies
to the earth
____________________v
Peu Mouche de Septembre (mon peu mouche avec un grand esprit)
Comment peut il avoir lieu apr�s toute cette fois vous �tes
encore tellement solitude et d�sordre traversants vivants
d'obscurit�
une foi undying dans votre beaut� r�gne et consomme mon �me
jetez-moi dans la purge du feu j'et laissez-moi au milieu de
nulle part et laissez-moi � mes douleurs �tre si je ne peux pas au
moins dire ;
sans vous cet univers serait bien plus st�rile qu'il est d�j�
much is lost in translation......
___________________________v
IN the middle of the OCEAN
it is no suprise
that the urgency
and the severity
of this life and
time are easily lost
obscured by the
TIMELESSNESS
and DWARFED
transcending
substance
spatial constructs
and the shapeless
nameless things of existence
you feel in your bones and mind
well up and consume your whole being
we are all ghosts
our world is a ghost
everything drifts......
________V_________
THE CIRCUS HAS FALLEN INTO ABSOLUTE PANDEMONIUM ALL LOST SOULS ARE DOOMED
Oh no, it's not like that at all, my mind has always been...not.....good.
The damage is irrepera.b..b..le.
we are in space
"every passing minute is another chance to
turn it all around"
we are in space
this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass?
this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass?
this too shall pass this????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
this too shall pass has???????????????????????????????E?????????????????????????
this too shall pass got???????????????????????????????N?????????????????????????
this too shall pass to????????????????????????????????T?????????????????????????
this too shall pass end????????????????????FUCK?THE?VORTEX??????????????????????
this too shall pass this??????????????????????????????O?????????????????????????
this too shall pass has???????????????????????????????P?????????????????????????
this too shall pass got???????????????????????????????y?????????????????????????
this too shall pass to??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????his too shall pass end?????????IT'S?GOT?ME?BY?THE?BALLS?????????????????????????
this too shall pass this????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
this too shall pass is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
this too shall pass my??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
this chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos
chaostooshallpasslife??????????????????????????????????????
this too shall pass and
this too shall pass it's
this too shall pass ending
this too shall pass one
this too shall pass minute
this too shall pass at
this too shall pass a
this too shall pass time
this too shall pass can't
this too shall pass sleep
this too shall pass want
this too shall pass to
this too shall pass run run run run run run run run run run run run run run
this too shall pass away
this too shall pass but
this too shall pass it's
this too shall pass too
this too shall pass cold
this too shall pass is
this too shall pass this
this too shall pass really
this too shall pass my
this too shall pass life
______________________________V______
THE CIRCUS HAS FALLEN INTO ABSOLUTE PANDEMONIUM ALL LOST SOULS ARE DOOMED
(It has occurred to me that
i am still not impervious
to fits of nostalgia, doubt
remorse or free from an uncontrollable propensity
to brood in silence while sitting
upright)
a quick turn down
memory lane soon turns into
a downward spiral of
irrational questions
tiresome speculations
and a slide-show of
mind splitting imagery
no matter how far i get
or how much time passes
the conclusions and ideas
at which i arrive
do not stop the night
from robbing me of my soul
as i hold on so tightly
all i can do is smoke a cigarette
defiantly as if to
provoke
the powers that be
to strike me down and
end this undaunted
force of agony
i'd like to
look at this and
scoff at my own melodramatic
portrayal of an otherwise
staggeringly common
circumstance
but i can't
this is a season of absurdity (that doesn't end)
with the leaves fall spirits
and their colors fade
The Wind, oh yes, The Wind
is magnificent this late late
evening even if it is not
autumn and the leaves are
indeed already fallen and colors
gone it matters not i choose
to go there my one eternal
sanctuary (of sorts)
____________________the bleak Visage of winter____
I've lost my place(waking)...................
can't move
they're coming
so many
it's time
i've been offered
scurrying
fighting
systematically dispersing
almond colored
cyanide secretions
some is blue and smells sweet
devouring
so slowly
i will go mad
before i expire
they
dance
like
water
i am their saviour
__________v_______________
Happy Child Brain Development Facility
(Ultimately Creating Murderers, Conspirators and Mad Scientists: Personality Slaughterhouse)
warm insulated foil blankets wrapping the bean bodies
wires to the temples monitors displaying images of
flowers, mothers, children playing,adorable woodland creatures
amicable mailmen, weddings, hugs and kisses
you get the idea stars, moons, wal-mart
the infants don't have mouths or the capacity
with which to convey their discontentment
regarding the bombardment of these images day
after day month after month they become accustomed
to the plasticity surrounding them and then
after being "fully" educated and exposed in small doses
to the outside world over a period of eighteen years
they're let loose into society to integrate and further
assimilate get into colleges and find jobs some go
into the armed services all eventually to find they've
been mothered to madness
and there you have it
all the while
safe and sound are the children fed
with mozart, beethoven
and a dash of miles davis
they'll be laying wreaths on the warheads
but strike you dead if you're a liar
__________________________________________v_______
his eyes can roll green
tears like stone sphere
spinning in fountain
overflowing
the garden's on fire
not my fault
from the water grows
red flowers
could have
should have
would have
can't have
might have
don't have
have had
never had
could've had
should've had
would've had
might've had
couldn't have had
shouldn't have had
wouldn't have had
didn't've had
never't've had......
shit, i've gone cross eyed
from the water
grows red flowers
________________________________v________
many things have come to pass
i've been asessing the damage done
and the
freedoms won and lost
on a lake
with a cat
guitar
ripped-ass jeans
long underwear
an outrageous
hat found on a wall
the future
open
i want to play music
elliot smith is dead
kurt cobain is dead
nick drake is dead
but i am alive
and i'd like to
to carry a torch of sorts
and mar the legacy of good music
my mind having been dulled
and sedated for months and months
and months and months and months
is now slowing being awakened
i've been given
another chance to make a life
i'll fuck it up in the good way
a v is a v is a v
always will be a v
_______________________________________________v____
i am looking
forward
to life
______________________v__________
A strange dream a dark place crawling through
trenches dug by giants deep in the forest i
emerged from the great trees into a valley
ornamented sparsely with grotesque twisted
leafless trees bound to stillness by
brier thickets
hanging throughout this lay of land
were brilliant festoons of fallen
autumn leaves however one by one save
for three they were set on fire
by ghostly white women with flowing flaming
red hair
bodies tightly wrapped in dyed burlap
and weathered leather,
buckles and straps their figures............
it all recedes into obscurity now.
___________________________________v__________
my head hurts
it must be......
it smells like bleach
some one is cleaning the bathroom
plan for the day: eradicate all human suffering, tell no one
telekineticly induce orgasms specifically in disabled people
preferrably quadrapalegics
epileptics
multiple sclerosis patients
(mostly terminal patients)
and women
with tourette's syndrome
yes
god gets off
and we get on our knees
and beg please
for
it to rain
1-900-i'm fucking insane
______________________________v________________
the sky was
filled with so many
shades and colors
all i could think of
was you
the sadness of my
life caught up to
me in a car and i
cried for all the times
i didn't
i am blind and
completely worthless
i want to end it
all but i can't stop
thinking of......
_________v___
This is my only channel
obsessively trying to
expel the poison inside
me
axiom group therapy
axiom help line
axiom emergency broadcast system
this is only a test:
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Since I can't identify or communicate with the rest of the world, I'll
live vicariously through this
other place
I feel like an exile
(if only it were that interesting)
just a young
waste
with no ideas
no ideas
BOOTLESS
yes bootless
get it together
shape up
ship out
shut up
If it were only as easy
as being blind folded
and chained to a wall
forever
fed and beaten
fed and beaten
I'll leave the rest of the details
and gruesome aspects of indeterminate bondage
to the imagination
how
exciting
_______________________V____
QuarterAfterFourInThe
MorningDecemberNineteenth
TwoThousandThree
(my father's birthday)
Happy birthday dad
Stepped out not too long
ago for a cigarette and
i looked up into the sky
the clouds were gone but
low in the sky hung a
large crescent moon
it's points up in the air
like a dead insect's legs-
poised for redemption
heaven's acceptence
More like
a Great Chalice
placed to collect
the tears of
a terribly sorrowful
universe
the universe should get over itself
always destroying and mending
nevermind.
_______________________________________v______(wait there's more)__
another another yet another
change at hand another
sick of all of it
the unstoppable montage (no commercial breaks)
Soul Calibur(video games)
my friends' words and quiet betrayals
of etiquette ALL THE FUCKING
BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!A FAILED EXPERIMENT THAT LASTED ALMOST FOUR YEARS IRONICALLY ENDED BY A STRANGE EVIL COUSIN OF THE AWKWARD SEED IT GREW FROM!!!!
trying so hard to hold onto all of the good
it brought the light in all of it
what everything boils down to in the end
(some loathsome residue i'm sure)
I'd really like to understand the motives
of all parties involved and then tell them
to GO FUCK THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE BLACKEST BLACK
AND SADDEST LITTLE SPIRIT
HAS CRAWLED ONTO MY SHOULDER
LEAVING V-SHAPED SCORCH MARKS
ON MY SKIN
AND WITHIN
I FOUND THIS OUT WHILE CURLED INTO
A SOBER SUFFERING NAVEL-GAZE
NOTHING WILL BE REAL UNTIL
I MAKE IT REAL
but i'm too twisted stunted
un-learned the horror on the
inside is manifesting itself
replacing me leaving a ghastly
ugly creature stinking of
cigarettes coffee sweat
boots a hint of Old spice
and the musty aroma of
a dust covered book shelf
that no one cares to look at
when will we all be happy for a short
period of time again?
FUCKING NEVER!!!
(someday i really, really hope for the sake of all that is good and holy shit)
NOW I'M GOING TO SLINK AWAY SOMEWHERE
HOPEFULLY TO GET BETTER AND SOMEDAY ALL
THIS SHIT WILL BE OVER
Driving always driving listening to the same songs
over and over again I can't make anything in my life
better for this short time in sub-purgatory
the only thing i can identify with isn't even
words anymore it has to be very specific
dark melodies music instrements playing
near monotonous progressions but that doesn't matter
because I can listen to it forever
and not go I N S A N I T Y is a farse.......
trying to induce SOME KIND OF EMOTION
I WOULD LOVE TO CRY BUT I TRY SO HARD
AND IT'S JUST A BIG BLACK FUCKING GHOST
KEEPING MY BRAIN UP AAALLLLLLLLLLLL NIGHT
false alarm earlier this evening
a friend being put into the fire
of fatherhood and now left waiting
so young and so old simultaneously
he's going to be a teacher and
student we all are of life but his
is more severe and he has now
the weight of bringing a life
into and through this impossible
world (mother too, obviously)
(i shall now go quietly into this good morning
now that i've been humbled by considering a
dear friend's heavy and far more serious trial)
__________________________________________________v________
DecemberThe
SeventeenthTwo
ThousandAnd
Three
there is nothing
as comfortable
as a dark brooding
rainy day
the pure shock
of life is subdued
and hushed
by grey
and smeared with
rotting earth
tones
stepping out
into the street
the wind puts
it's heavy hand
to my ear
the pleasently
cold drops
rinsing
out of the
room the dim
lights my mouth
and the walls one and
the same
both acrid nicotine
wallpaper
Time has
stopped
___________________________________v____
it just so happens that i need
tell me if it starts to hurt
say when
it's not enough
say when
you've had enough
it could be worse
is that a coincidence
i told you so
don't get me started
do you remember when
things aren't the same
things have changed
i don't recall
i didn't do it
how have you been
could be better
she's hot
her clothes don't match
i wonder if
does she recycle
that's fucking crazy
got so wasted
good times
should've been there
did you know
that happened to me
something's going around
i heard that too
we would've kicked their ass
but it's too cold
let's go inside
what would you like
money drugs food money cigarettes
gas drugs food money drink money
food sex(whiskey dick) drugs
money money money money
older
drugs money cigarettes drink
money food gas cigarettes
drink money food sex (yeah right!)
drugs drink
alone
dying
die (please)
dead
sad
for
ever
(screw that noise jack)
boring......
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmVmmmmmmmm
futile i
pitiful love the way
pathetic my
absurd heart
ridiculous sinks
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmVmmmmmmmm
sometimes the moon needs no
introduction, it just breaks
through the sky and pushes the
darkness back into corners of
our houses, shadows receding
crawling backward on the floor
up our beds into our ears and
finally curling up, settling
in our skulls
i'm half dreaming, my head
seized by some
unfamiliar vortiginous
black mass
wreaking havok...
throughout...
(and then i start to like it)
i open my eyes and it's still raining......
beautiful
_____________________________________________________v________
I have crossed oceans of time.... (fragmentos de un deseo, ya es asi)
......hope
fuck
no
the bell jar
descends
but i've been
listening to
the most
beautiful
music and if the weather wasn't so
sympathetcic
i may have
burried myself
i got
a call
from my fatherghost
a message
left in
the dark
expressing love
and
i
fall
deeper
the morning crawled up
over the hills
my commrade
and myself
set out
to be
still in yet
another setting
until the time
is revealed
that we have
to move
and perform some function in society (it's all lies, everything)
the sun the wind everthing appears to be well but all of that
is inconsequential
blue light surrounds me
i am only sadness
_______________________________v__________
december the tenth twothousandthree
another winter begins
trial after trial
after almost two days of
waking up and going to sleep nauseous
after almost a week of
bizzare montage dreams...
...it'a probably not over
the bell jar has me
___________________________________v_____
all at
once
the
dark
descends
and through spare
drapes a soft light
lifts the mood
but not enough
just as
i thought
long ago
i will
live with
longing
and despair
until i die
maybe it's not
so severe
there is
no rhyme
or rhythm
run crawl
stop go
stagnant
no
reason
(there shall be, however,
no "sorry" here my dear, mine is
a short and pitiful tale, tattered and soon
to end, yours
is a story still unfolding...)
_______________________v____
so now it's like this
the closest we come
is a few hours distant
over networks of wire and moving electrons
before I was here I was happy
thoughtless
and the day was bright
and that's all I need
but now I'm here
having read many words
and now being reminded...
you pull me down with you
So distant...
but somehow words bring it all back
I've been so distant
I am sorry
but look what I've found-lost and found--the precious beginning of our axiom.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
once again I cannot sleep
349am thanksgiving day twothousandthree
hopefully some form of fatigue will
drive me to the couch
hopefully
i don't know if a sigh of
relief or a shudder and
scream of fear and uncertainty
will emanate from my body......
...I don't know
my thoughts are involuntarily
dedicated to the separation of
myself from my inamorata
the shit is hitting the fan
i've nowhere to go
there's nowhere to run
and I CAN'T CRAWL DEEP ENOUGH
INSIDE perhaps there is no perhaps
every day some ghost of my past
travels right through me
be it a smell, a moment
a whole day, words, people
old thoughts,
and i'm compelled to go to sleep
and dream it all back
find out8uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu7655555tt(the cat
typed that, "poundcake" copywrite 2003)
nevermind
_______v______(cat's are smarter, they couldn't care less about this shit)
Dysmorphophobia
Dysmorphogenesis
Korsakoff's Syndrome
Confabulation
Wernicke's encephalopathy
thiamin deficiency
(these are the results of scholastic brainwashing)
some of it's true some hopefully....not the case, I feel like a fraud
consciously bashing the pass time activity
hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite
i am no longer
a fan
of anything
too busy romanticizing entropy and not paying enough
attention to how incredibly contradicting and contrived it was
to think for a minute I was in a position to understand
anything at all,
I feel so fucking worthless
and sad beyond my wildest fucking dreams
I feel like I'm in high-school again
but without the financially non-obligatory aspect
without the home
and without the people........and homework
just worthless
______________________________________________v____________________
All at once
it will come
and death cannot
scrape me off
the ground
The blood is wet
the air is cool
never
so
alive
(the ocean would suffice)
________________________________v___________________________
why (what)
and (what)
how (what)
does it mean
should it be (mean)
meant something.......
it feels so disgusting, trying to maneuver through the drifting
endless mass of writhing wretched bodies (souls) (souless)
even though there are no definitive physical senses. I never
in life could've realized the truly fetid nature of death. That's why
it's so hard to keep moving. How terrible it is, put yourself away and
not be again, or try, try to get out.
______________________________________(vortex)agory________________
(Abrir los ojos)
If I'm Not Mistaken
it's been ten days. The calender says i've been UNtoxicated for ten days.
Every where I turn now
I don't belong
And there's no way
to get away
Life won't allow
the break away
the easy break
Not that I deserve
(Now, especially) any break will be earned
A break will be hard
and I will be changed
The whole world will be
changed
Now that I've had
some time
I don't want time
I've lost time
But I don't want time
I don't want to be fucked up
I don't want to find my self
staring at my distorted upside-down
reflection in a glass
Or staring down the neck of a bottle
right now even though I can keep
pushing and still get up every
day
smile
laugh
and go and go
Inside I freeze
I feel lost, I feel done
I don't belong anywhere
I've lost all connection
there is no reason
and no completion
intimidated and shaken to the bone
trying to come to terms with what
I actually want
And ultimately what I can't.
and wondering what I'll never be
I've lost the six strings
I've lost the right words
I've lost the palette
I've squandered the sky
And plundered the earth all at once
all too soon, of everything I could
understand and percieve as beautiful
Inebriated in all respects
I floated and passed on
It's all bullshit....the important
things I feel and remember
But I know that in my mind
things are grey in the
bad way
Immobilized once again (in the AUTOMOBILIAN SENSE)
the shit will hit the fan all around me
what ever man
do you smell the rose
or
can you smell the rose?
____________________________________________________v_________
four, five days of sobriety (one beer)
28hours and 51 minutes of
conciousness, though sleep deprived, but
much better than enduring the dawn
while intoxication is in that grey
indescribable, mental lethargy
more often than not
i am cold so cold.......
neglecting to consider the consequences of time
being blind and new enough to just run with it
(that is the innocence and liscence of youth is it not?)
apparently not in this world, not now, maybe just maybe, not ever
i feel as if i have my own personal martyr
always giving, giving, giving yet
recieving in increments, far and few between, small doses
but just enough to keep her fixed
expecting nothing in return, she
brushes matters that concern the financially spare,
emotionally spare, all these colorful adjectives
for my naive, oh so naive, struggling, now
hopefully (horribly delusional) waking self
infinitely stronger than i am
and unfortunately, ultimately fucked over
by caring too much
about just another lost soul who
said the right words or moved the right way
stretching
stretching
stretching
and
stretching
some more
a little
m-
(and finally.........)
_______________________________v_________________
november is a great month
_____________
september the eighteenth two thousandthree
open spaces the ocean
turn left
the trees
turn right
a house in a field or the woods
horses cats
a truck
a hound dog or golden retriever
named dog
a job
in the woods outside anywhere
cutting down sick trees
so the healthy ones can grow
these are things
and things only
want is want
need is.
it is what it is
SEPTEMBER THE SEVENTH TWO THOUSANDTHREE
in the day we are drunk hung over still drunk from the night before chasing
whatever it is that we cannot have or grasp and that might be the simple
satisfaction of not.....the simple satisfaction of Not.
As time gets longer and longer and our lives grow shorter and shorter I realize
i've lived the shortest year of my life. Each oasis i come to find and love
and run to, crumbles before my eyes and I watch the most impressive example
of how logic and reason disintegrate with no regard. I have no expectations
but i do, maybe that's my problem. How long will I go, schooless, mindless, no
basis for comparison. Have i grown and moved through space to the point where
i've become what I hate. yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no
yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes......no.....
yes......no........huh.......it's not as good as nirvana(the fucking band)
to think i'm so young but i feel like i've lost my life's work but my
life's work is nothing at all. so......i've lost "nothing".
now i go in quiet..........
now i go in quiet despa..........
now i go spinning a.........
however it's fun to be proven wrong again there's always something new
you just have to have the balls to abandon your current character.
I N T R U S I O N 00010100101111001010010110010100110101!!!!!!!!!!
you live till you die how long? life is still beautiful and there's
still is music and there still is everything around us i forgot how
obsessed i deny i am. you live till you die how long? where do
you fall.............into the arms of some one good? look at pictures in
the hall of some one's house you don't know AND their life flashes
before YOUR eyes............it's so
it's so
it
's
I FORGOT and i
m losing so hard and fast it all falls apart for everyone at some point
always all of our friends are fucked up and have problems never without
trials and the notion that it's normal constant always happening furthers
isolation want to get in my car and drive far away into the woods with my
guitar i still have the dream cutting down sick trees that can't be cured
but i saw the words "chemistry" and "biology" and ran screaming for freedom.
everything i want to create had already been created and there really is
no point to my existence but there's no point
in killing myself because that's just boring and overdone when i die
i'm going to eat myself in front of all the sunday schoolers until there
is nothing left of me even still that's pretty dull maybe go to a bank
and when everyone is conducting themselves accordingly i'll turn myself
inside out and run around the streets asking for change tripping on my
entrails........EVERYTHING GOES BLACK THE HUMAN WASTE THAT I AM NOT.
a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose
beautiful. (?)
______________
right-eye
twitching
for days
four days
inconsistantly
muscles
small nameless ones
decided to make their
presence know
by f r ea king
out o u t
_________________________wigglewiggle______wiggle______wigglewigglewiggle__
PERIPHERAL HALLUCINATIONS
some one looming over the bed
at night no lights (swaying)
pendulums dark and sharp swinging
the two-faced messenger
from "AMADEUS"....approaching
tiny but bright specks
of light darting
the bed posts (swaying)
some strange physical
manifestation of voices
filling the room like slow
thick worms of smoke
never again
it shouldn't be like this
is insane
__________________
and thus
i urge mankind
to know the sun
is not made of
rocks
_________________________
Warmed by whiskey; why is scientific yet unfair that the moon does not respond to my despair?
_________
No seeds planted
no brains
here
just the remains
of naive
ambition
constantly
conjecturing
conjuring
outcomes of
the possible
future
Bicycles and
freedom
in the night
Lit by fire
booze and laughter
in the
Wilderness
Hopefully
Steady jobs
and comfortable
discomfort
mildly tolerable hardships
along
with some everlasting
Dream
a light at the
end of the
worm hole
Countless angles
Some enclosure
fortification, trying
to contain the fury
the wild
All the while
perfection, beauty
orbiting in some
second genesis
cosmic debris
floating
spinning
burning
(die out, return(slowly), die out, return(slowly), die out, return(slowly)}
mesmerizing
the captor
the loveless
the longing
wedged in a
prison
of
miscalulations.
______0 is 0 is 0__________
don't
know
what
to do with
my
self
if time loops
i will catch the first train to renewal and resurrection
time passes the sky always changes the moon goes through phases
the wind blows when i am not there when i am not there
a part of my mind
had been buried
now as it rises
and rises
and learns how to breathe again
a certain feeling of abandon reaks
havok on THE NEW REIGNING PLASTICITY
of my world
if change is at hand
there will be fire involved
_______________________________
not sure..
when it happened
(or if it did really)
the trouble of being able to discern fleeting
fleeting inklings
fleeting glimpses into a possible world
from true emotions
that remain burried from day to day
(or do they?)
having to dig through the dirt for hours and days and weeks
to reach my treasure
(is tiresome)
and when I get there
how do I know it's not just more dirt?
I can't even tell what I feel anymore
(I want to love everyone)
(I need to feel everyone)
I can't do this on my own
and every soul is salvation.
what's worse is
I'm not so sure
I believe
(anymore)
in the difference between
flesh and mild fondness
and true . . .
................................................connections...........................
every minute more dirt is thrown on the pile
------------------------------
WHAT IS THE WORTH OF LIFE
what is there to hold on to
the fragility of life
the innocence of it
how much
does it weigh????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? to what extent should you feel for all of the
creatures of this world their pain, sacrifice, their
life????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????
5 nd
n orphin
t
r
o
p
25
will: all it is
is spilling losing blood
from my
thunder shoots and rumbles as rain drips from the gutter
coursing unpredictably alone curling up next to
nothing is stopping me now and then
_________________________________
-----------
all mine
you have to be
--------------------------------
stan...stan...stan's the man...
_____________________________________________
and here I go with this drastic feeling again
drastic measures
drastic measures
I know you're the only other one
who knows how this feels
drastic measures
drastic measures
I feel my eyes widen
and my pulse quicken
drastic measures
drastic measures
drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures drastic measures
-----------------------------------
so I'm sitting here
and listening to Isis
and trying to play Isis
I wish I were in Isis
and I think...
I wish I could start all over
how different my path would be...
not really...just slightly...
4912 3221317 422 9631 624622
71687 2216 623132 4122
let's scorch the world
and leave the shit behind
_________________________
I HAVE WITNESSED
by the
multitudes
-they come
therefore I will
accept my anonymnity
and bow out gracefully
(woefully, not so gracefully)
spin away to the......
...in
determin
ately
(you fucker, I want to draw too!!!)
123181
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I sit here
after all we've been through
all this turmoil
and for what...
I can't believe it's ended like this
so I'm fucking bitter
Just know
No matter what happens
the indescribable thing
the shared vision,
this sameness...
It will never change.
Just know.
Maybe in some sick way
that's a form of comfort.
Maybe not.
Maybe I'm just adding to the turmoil
but you know what's true
and I know what's true
and this fucking world
needs to be destroyed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
a solid form i see
intrusive lines drawn
over that distant figure
anticipation
the greatest demon
i came to an agreement of sorts
but not with it
and now
my price
the indescribable agony of waiting
-------------------------
how cold must it get
i dreamed of tranquility
but
a system crash
and lack of humanity
perhaps an over-abundance
smothered my words
muted the beat of my heart
the pulse of my brain
churning and choking
there is nothing good
to say
only that we are alive
trying not to drown
in the blood and milk
i n t r u s i o n
i have lost myself
careened into wildest oblivion
the trees don't belong to them
they are ours
to ponder, love and burn
-------------------------
for a brief second
it seems like all is well
sunshine creeps through the clouds
illuminates a moment
but then the clouds close
darkness looms
I am nothing
I have nothing
not even love
which I was stupid enough
to believe could
exist.
-------------------------------------------------------------
here is where the red spills
soaking
and like wet tissue
pulls away
like a drowning man
but not as sad as
a drowning bird
who cannot understand
or be heard
-----------------------------------------------------<
Equations coil tightly
resurrecting the mind
the colors of the subconscious dance
and lines fixed to the surface
transform
behold:
boundaries dissolving
--------------------------------
someday when we're both cats
until then
just this soft glow
the embers
with the faintest sparks
breathe and slowly die away
the warmth sticks to my fingers
residue
r e s i d u e
die sure
dire use
rid u see
ire sued
u is reed
u see rid
i use red
did you dream me or did I dream you
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm
blank
_____Un__________
banished and bound to....
exiled eventually forgotten
sitting and staring
sitting and
staring
miles and miles
of green stretch
the land itself
seems to be after something
sitting
and
staring
wind blows
for a moment
everything goes black
sightless
thoughtless
deaf
and motionless
lifeless
enlightenment?
the light returns
along with everything else
lifeshock, everything is realized.
123181
3.14.03
________
obscured blurred and turned inside outside shapeshifting tendencies
separate and diminish the oneness of some unity existing in harmony
floating through the universe and spinning around itself in delayed
gratification and curiosity soon like all things are blown apart and
left to be carried away (in pieces) by wind and fading memories
_____________________________________________________________
too late
the burden born
consumes waking life
the anguish and
reality are
too heavy
to carry
the red
of the rose
fills the eye
and the sky goes
red with tragedy
(a poor soul
moved to extinguish
itself)
beauty is everywhere
_____________________________________
________________________
have you ever watched a beautiful white flower wilt and die in front of your eyes..
it slowly turns brown and supple petals turn to spindles... cracking and decaying losing beauty or maybe gaining it
_______________________________________
once again you've read my fucking mind... how could this be... memories from things said now seems like whispers then turns to ash and blows away... or did I write that .... I'm so confused...
_
_______________________________________________________
I've crossed oceans of time........
_______________________________________________
so sure and quick to forget
the reality is
that the
steady
steady
always ready for change
will suprise
attack and.......
all of this is mindless filth
there is no urge
on any level for anything
i am dead
and lost
_______________________________________our world is gone forever____
ALL ACTION AND NO THEORY
ALL THEORY AND NO ACTION
___________________________________________
I ran my numbers
tried to run them right
in the end
they cancelled themselves
out
I thought they'd spell
something and then
I realized the blood was thin
The mind was gone
and there's no use in wandering
and wandering
I believe there is much to gain
in life, in life
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT ALL??
...............about
.......about?
I don't make the song first words come and i forget recycle words until oneday I'm tired of giving in.......and giving in....
but I never give in
because I am afraid
I am weak and will not stray
_______________________________
we walked through a filthy city constructed out of our imaginations
hungry we searched and searched for nourishment until we happened
upon a golden thrown in the middle of the road, strewn about
were swords and robes love letters and wartime correspondance documents
hungry our eyes fell on simultaneously a saucer full of rotten milk
eager parasites swimming in apathy, agony, anticitpation.
________________
oceans
dry
with no
regard
sun
burns
my
angels
failed me
at the worst possible
moment
______________________________
this is no place
for some one
who wants clean air
this is no place
for some one
who wants silcence
this is no place...
no place at all
_________________________________
on and on and on.........
a dream is made...
crying for salvation.......
and unheard......
it dies...........ever...so softly........
...until it is born again....
...in some alien world.....
only to cry again.....
......nnd again
.....forever
just say stop......
and i will be gone
-----------------
lull to run
craze to calm
fall and rise
in a manner such as this
in patterns such as these
nerves become
doubtful of their own duty
awareness is born
for the sensation of pain
only our futile attempt
to distinguish
purpose from fruitless
i speak of angels much
their voices come to appease
frantic and yearning moments
it is so hard
so hard
to give in
so hard
to give up
i want to surrender
i want to surrender
i speak of angels much
i want them to save my soul
i'm afraid of drowning
--------
--------C T K--------
born into perfect life dragging the chains
of my ancestors their agony and suffering
settles on and through my consciousness dreams
waking mind governing my decisions how to
play this play out as an actor on their knees
what it must have felt like to gaze out upon
endless virgin green earth and not know it or
know it and be under the impression that it
will be preserved having no idea of the horrors
of technological influence and pollution
dragging cattle and water buckets weaving
life with bare hands constructing civilizations
braving physical limits and beyond to bring
to reality another reality within which to live
life altering tragedies of the individual are the epitome
of the fate that will come unto the earth
when the cup over flows
where the water goes
no one knows
--------------
changes are at hand
as a reaction
to the recent
hate i have for this world
and how much i long for each day
.
duplicity as a face
spins on an axis
revealing yet more faces
contorting violently
in it's revolutions
.
according to my calcultations
the estimated time as to when
the disintegration of reason
has no place in tangible time existence
.
it comes
it comes hard
with fire
the rapture and passion of life
die so loudly
god
will
come
to
it's
own
and
pray
it's life isn't it?
long have the ruins
dealt my fate into and
through my past future
never faced the truth I
lost at birth a preminission
of passions and pain and hurt
pleasure and filth flooded
my dreams and life it is in
my blood to create these things
i have forsaken these things only
by their existence now do i
travel aimlessly and
with complete abandon my heart
torn in four devoted to things
i know by smell only...
a flower wilts
the earth sheds a tear
i feel the core shudder
in ecstacy life has been
taken relieved from living
the pure shock of death too
overwhelming to consume whole
so in short spurts of completeness
my soul accepts its temporary contract
barcodes tatooed on my bare
skin a product
for fucking
killing
eating
sleeping
dreaming
(longing)
-------
we are but ghosts
in limbo
my arm extends, fist clenched save my fore finger
and falls down through space
conscience fails and an angel retrieves
my limb
how strange.........she says
our eyes meet.........
and then she eats my mind
___________________________________________
3221 2216 6131214
81 42165132 9162522
329623161 4128225112 8131721 62 42214162 481791 2216
81 42165132 9162522 791921431 624622
412 624242214111518189141223178,
022162518, 3292262418, 022162518,
225229279181312
721 328122 8131 22169 629418...
hate to drudge up the past
but thoughts will come as they may
and this preservation
needs no censor...
----------------------
.... like a death to reckon with
in winter cold
moon sings lightly
as trees sway
a memory comes
a memory stops
walking down a street
light travels at a
particular angle
a memory comes
a memory stops
a song is heard
and things are seen
to rip from me
all that is
here i am
and here i stand
the point of allofthis
i
know
not
i might as well
it was in your hands
and you watched it
spill away
I'm helpless I need
to let go
holding on so tight
no more
I'll let it slip
we'll watch it slide together
and laugh
at what could have been
what should have been
what may still be
and here we are.
------------------------
(request for redemption, discreet)
symptoms of death
fainting
trance
loss of compassion immediate
transferral of thought input
and processing
words spoken
ideas follow
not enough time to
recongnize the urgency
the worth of life
assessed in a matter of seconds
the loss of life recognized
and mourned soulfully
forever and ever and ever
and ever and e4ver and ever
that is hell
heaven must be something
that can be considered
the opposite
but not quite
it is not possible
not possible
difficulty inconcievable
to convey
true want
true sorrow
true guilt
true satisfaction
the worth of this
satisfaction
everyday
lived like tomorrow
the day that will never come
sought after
like immortality
i want to live forever
i want to sleep
beneath the stars
with her beside my
sadness
eternity
evolved
as a broken equation
step by step
irregular
and studder studder
a wish that is
unwished at the moment
of it's inception
no
room
to
grow
the pain of it
is
overwhelming
--------
was it when
infants fed from sad faces
touched frowned lips
on their mothers faces
grew
to be frightened
noose tightened
how hard must i try
try to let you know
the words i say are broken down
watered down my face
in diluted ways
keep from scratching
my head to bleed
sounds like sleep to me
i need
brought this along
a distance to follow
roads meet nowhere
standing in front of eachother
lies as big as life
is small
my tounge is not enough
yours too i must swallow
pleasently giving in
this notion is a sin
stumble dream nodded out
it's a gift to be so
stupid
goes into the shitter
shredded in the blender
pleasure to dismember
hate
rise
from
hate
constructed to killconsume
life is now survival
hate
rise
from
hate
through
on through
marching like clockwork
machines
slaughtering
tearing
not hearing the screaming
machines
cannot
rise
from
hate
try
to grasp the wisdom
and conviction
necessary
to accept
and empathize
with those
metal hands
and instruments
torturing your body
before
the final agonized nerve lets go and
sets you free
//////////////////
110010100101101101000010101010101001010101001010110010100010
1..........................................................1
0..........................................................1
0...................what matters...........................0
1...................is most frig...........................1
0...................htening................................0
0...................un dermining...........................0
1...................determin ati...........................1
1...................on momentum...........................0
0...................gravitati on...........................0
0...................al prop ert...........................0
1...................ies....................................1
1...................life is all...........................1
1...................that's given...........................0
1..........................................................0
0..........................................................1
0..........................................................0
010101001001011001110101011111111010010010100101000100111111
try try to know
what seeing is is seeing does
this is the trip
melting before you
floats like dreams do
i be not proud
i'm loud
by disapproving these things
this is the slave
talking to you
this is the slave
talking to you
this is the slave
talking to you
to you
i'll see you in chains
just like this
on my wrist
on my wrist
tied tied
tied tied
to the rock
each splinter is worth your moans
being where you don't belong
blood my reward
tastes like
i always wanted it to taste
enough to make you sick
sink into the groove
groove
and it cuts
and it cuts
cuts
roses
roses
roses
where i planted
my thoughts
you come and clip them
where my rock lies
i lie chains
and blood i taste
like i wanted it to
this is the slave talking to you
days walking
i'm still
i'm still
so still
this is where the sense
is made
in the grave in the
g
r
a
ve below
far
from
hope
this is the trip
outside the window
peering at land
and sky
passing by
out the window it all melts by
destination
a fearless fearful ride
from the rope
tied
and chains
and the blood
running
walking
still
still
so still
the distinction
between sweat and making love
is blood and pain
as
a
thoughtful hollow
voice
carries
over
head
this is the slave
talking to you
this is the slave
talking to you
this is the slave
talking to you
this is the slave
talking to you
roses
i left behind
above
my grave
where my thoughts
fell
the truth came out
and saddened the earth
below my feet
by waking dreams
allowing all that
was desired
and pondered
wander into
wander into
into into
acceptance
all i wanted
was to diverge
from symmetry
and how i found
these things...
this is the slave
talking to you
blood tastes like roses
planted by truth
above the grave
the rock and chain
one and the same
it is you my friend
this is the trip
scenery like fast wax
before your eyes
requiem for a....
....and we sang the songs
for however long
the words we could not say
------
search and search
to find
still looking and looking
soooo hungry
drone
drone
drone
drone
drone
filling space with noise
to make the ears smile
brain not quite in tune
assimilating slowly and twisting
information
sending to the wrong places logic
corrupt
i forgot how obsessed
i deny i am
-------
shining steel inside the mouth
i'm heading south
sitting
still
stillness
breaks unwilling hand and tool
forced to carve a merciless facade
eyes transfixed
mind crucified
body laid out like a wasted
tired slave
born from the grave
m e a n w h i l e
somewhere
safe very safe
and warm
not hostile
an ideal
of tranquility and wholeness
is nourished
it evolves
-------------------
writing all the time
maybe it kept a little something
alive
that otherwise would have
died
while the world
watched and waited
not dead but
hibernating
slow and smoothly
running course
slow stream trickling
in the sun
flickers of sunlight
dance on the surface
cool and mildly
turbulent flow
----------------------------------------------------------
so sweet
the prospect of
knife searing through flesh and bone
releasing the emptiness rotted
into the core from
a world indifferent to everything
cold and barren
a fucking waste
and melting the islands
of hope and desire
drastic measures--
all I can think about is
drastic measures
drastic...
drastic...
needing to yank myself from here
so cold
unreal
I can't fucking take it
the truth slams its fist
again and again
into the back of my softening skull
aching to end
aching to be
aching for ...
I
won't
say
it
can't
believe
it's
come
to
this
but then again...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
warm it is in the sun
as it is in the house
logic and lack there of
feeling again too soon
forgetting what once was
knowing that there is
all of it will return
knowing there is a place to belong
shaping the face on the outside
eats like an animal from within
no longer capable of existing
grinning
holding a hand
walks you across the street
but beside you
nothing
nothing
avoiding at all costs
damage to the throne
but being king of the parasites
made me into a hole i made them my own
the instinct to not show feelings
the truth behind the action
one day we will all die
I'll let the accident happen
shaping the face on the outside
eats like an animal from within
no longer capable of existing
grinning
holding a hand
walks you across the street
but beside you
nothing
nothing
sifting through dirt to find the clean
it's somewhere it's in there waiting to be seen
but there's a creature a big one it has teeth
and it doesn't want to be friends
it has only one message to send
this is where i loose it
know that i need it
know that i am shit
careful oh so careful
not to let the human break
watching waiting snapping broken
it's a mess
--------
frustration and impatience replaced by acceptance of hopelessness and slow, gentle sorrow. forced to listen to the angels singing playing guitar to remind me
remind me
that for one brief moment (actually more like three) anything seemed possible
but slowly hope vacates...it leaves so quietly i can barely notice. years have passed...what the fuck happened along the way
how did we get so lost
how did we wander so far
where the fuck are we now
will we ever get out of here
this place is too cold and desolate
relieved only for blocks of hours too warm to be described
(i'm afraid my words will tarnish their precious surface)
and returned again to the stiff indifference of the outside world
i can't take it
i can't fucking take it
someone please help me
81 6131214 491627 81 462317: 2216
���
____________
7917131018 41622 429162310122 (inevitably)
81 6241 62129628132 (of course)
81 12222251 51816122 62 4221462932(you've got to be fucking kidding me)
81 6131214 491627 81 462317: 2216 (change)
81 4262316 87623132 51812122 623124121922
81 31222232 62 31224 9226282131 721 42213178131622
81 31222232 62 9226282131 721 016817
821 9226251
821 9226251
2216 62922 491627 81522 613121431 625151 6251213101
79122 01631 818 8131 412 41216791
92262322 721 922518122522 4122
412 818 221698
----------
consummate self destruction
endogenous
-------------
it's
not
the
first
time
and
certainly
not
last
that
life
reads
without
punctuation
---------
memorial for composed
and lost forgotten
words
------------
real
dreams
8. a cold concrete floor
7. a chill from open door
6. and you
5. need I say more
4. indescribable feeling
3. of comfort and recognition
purely and completely shared
between 2...1...0...
your lips
how I knew the feel before
effect before cause
how did I know
but strangely enough
it was...
fake
dreams
a cold concrete floor
one scoop of cats
and brad pitt at midnight
black eyed demon
so warm and friendly
pineapple sockets
and pink
oh so pink air
its only shortly funny to consider
reality more bizarre
than these
the difference?
i wish someone would tell me
turn your head sideways
lateral recognition
8
���
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
strangely enough
i see myself
enveloped in my own world
everyday
everyday everyday
what it has become
dragged through the waters
hitting rocks and forced to
sit on the street recollecting
retrieving all those things
that have slipped my mind
in the hours of intoxication
that preceeded
as the sun comes up outside
of these walls i sit and sit
and stare into the floor
or a guitar's neck at the cat
my feet always my feet (or at this screen) and while
some music plays
notes and melodies that i never knew
existed rip something from my heart
and it streams from my eyes
nothing
but
a sad
little
boy
don't think of me that way
don't look at me that way
I wonder what came first
never never did i think
or see myself
years from then
and I don't see myself years from
now
but I know I'll find myself
thinking the same old things
between countless hours of
conversation and philosophies
personal convictions
held so strong
how many days months years will
go by before we KNOW where we are
where we stand beneath the great sky
i learn everyday
or something close to it
(time is distorted)
things fall apart and come together
who knows
who knows
i will try my hardest
to make the right decisions
but since right is only bought
with time (i never know how much i have)
there you go
------------
nausea
those things i must do
those things i must forget about
everyday something new
it's unbelievable
how
how
faces change
how the weather changes
my bones creak
crack
and on my back
a monster runs its fingers
up and down my spine
and says it's time
to shine
-----
the innocence and ecstasy released in a brief loss of control...
flim?
The serenity that comes with a short moment
where something definite and real
seems to blossom from chaos
who cares if the world does not recognize
this...th.i.s..th.u.s....us...
contained in the world but not of the world
fuck vagueness
blatency bothers me no longer
���
___________________________________________
"nothing"
nothing's going to change
old i am not young anymore
the possibilities
not laid in front of me.
nothing is the same though nothing stays the same nothing is there nothing promises nothing lies...
im going to choke
on my fucking average, mediocre existence
and there's nothing...
nothing I can do about it.
���
_____________________________
Postulate Postpartum
Life is worth living, depending upon when, where and who you live.
I've experienced great joy, great anger, great sadness. I've experienced
nothing more or less than life.
Postulate Postmortem
(silence)dirt being displaced by earth-burrowing insects/animals
Postulate Postmortem II
waves crashing......
-----------
Cradled in the arms
of chance and fate
must fight the
want
the urge to
give and fake
cannot believe it
has come to this
and gone from that
somewhere in between
order was found main-
tained ultimately in
vein once again
the collective life
stands upon the
edge manifested
as a body
giving birth to itself
and destroying itself
with every step
it falls behind
dances to a tune
thought provoking
choking
great sadness
great joy
cancel eachother out
but instead of no product
a life is born yet again
so frenzied with hunger
rational conduct becomes
absurdly relative
given to rediculous extremes
now
pretending
and lying to the universe
grinning
hoping
losing
forgive, please
-------------
MATHEMATICS FOR THE TIRED AND DESPERATE: Elusive Word Relatioships
time=emit=omit=omission=subtract=retract=receed=tide=ocean....(never dries)
BOOTLESS
swimming up the stream
walking into the wind
up the hill with no legs
grinding teeth (fragments&dust)
in a plotless
senseless boring place
where everyone smokes cigarettes
in groups of a hundred in small
packed poorly ventilated rooms
YES RATS, COME GET YOUR PELLETS!!
It is now time to eat smoke work
break eat smoke work eat smoke
wait wait go home muddle around
sleep wake eat smoke work break
eat smoke work eat smoke home
sleep
I fight mediocrity and lose:
Our numbers our astonishing
We are many but that is why
we lose the war
we are
bootless................bootless
-----------
n o
w ords
i'm in space reserved for the
thoughtless here are my hands
did you see that flying side-
ways could not tell things
had gone wrong until smack
into the side of a building
full of dormant assumptions
now running running wild in the
wild here are my hands now
dusty looking, old the mountain
had it's way with me and my
children have woken
we can't sleep ever again until
some one says the world's been
saved the sun's been snuffed out
back to our building flying
backwards (some one pushed rewind)
hsirevef ynoga
subsides back to my nest
here are my hands
(sorrow says hold on)
--------
sitting on a globe
of immensely gross proportions
tide within it turning
atmostpheric pressure growing
the seams of glass expanding
how much more will break it...
vision of the world
leaking from inside
seeping into space
altering time and dimension
when will this tide come
aching in impatience
waiting seconds passing
i feel the seconds rush
through me
rip through me
tear through my cells
really bad with time I am...
| what the fuck are you psychic?
v
���
___________________________________
Around that time a
Cold swept through
Inside outside
Down and around
Added to growing dis-
Comfort a brief
Illness not so
Definite
A story to tell
Can you tell
Intuinfinity
Dismemberence
-------------------------------
walking.............voice.
walking.............voice.
walking.............voice.
thought triggers step movements
stiff robotic
once warm fluid after the...
.....................
..................
...
..................................................hurts.
no more in vein only to stumble fall
dead laying in the leaves people passing by corpse smelling
rotting in the leaves forgotten in life forgotten in death
in
in
in
on
00100101101100011100001010110010100100111001110001110000011001010011010
you think(know) this makes no sense
-------------------------------------------------------
(Edited August 8, 2005)
really bad with time I am
with time I am
with time
seems like compress it should
collapse it should
collapse
one brief second into
one brief second
into one
the smallest bit of nothing
bit of nothing
bit of
one.
���
________________________________________________
I awoke to beautiful weather and sunshine
then my life slowly came back to me
and a storm seemed to come from afar
the sky grew gray and listless
and seemed to mourn in grim quietude along with me.
Although at times the sun would peek out
from behind a cloud
as if to mock my dire state
and show that its temperment could be
as fickle as my own.
���
____________________________
Needing
You are my birth
you are my death
you are the reason I awake
come morning.
You are my dreams
you are my thoughts
you are the air that keeps
me breathing.
You are the fire
you are the flame
you are the innocence
of dawn.
You are the sorrow
you are the pain
you are the ache growing
ever strong.
You are the essence I can feel
as my blood begins to clot.
You are the one thing I've been needing
but what you are, I know this not.
���
________________________________________________________
Dark as dark
tap tap
rain
wake up
drift
sleep
dreaming dreaming dreaming dreaming dreaming
tap tap
rain
wake up
thinking
how i want to remember
that place so strange those people so strange
and the things that happened
drifting
drifted
sleep
dreaming dreaming dreaming dreaming dreaming
tap tap tap tap tap
rain
still dark drifting as well
dark as dark rain like dreaming
warm so warm
so
fucking
safe
--------------------------------------------------<<
feel my tongue the way it twists into
your thoughts into your ear so quick to
please so quick to stay stay
time time not enough ripped away
help
me
to
remember
where i left my keys
help
me
to
remember
where i left my wallet
help
to
remember
where i left my.......
not again the best of me has been
had had again oh had again my
train has left and here i am tomorrow
comes the world is waiting waiting for
me they want to see me in my most naked
moment call call my voice twists
through the phone to another set of
thoughts and ears
i assure everyone at very least
it's the best case scenario
time and truth have no place in purgatory
and if you think this is earth and you've been made
your astral blackhole nothing vacuum awaits you
(catch them if.......when, when you can)
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
????????????????????????????????????????
upon you
I cast a binding
with ivy as iron
from inside
the earth and above
time
you know as I know
some spiritual sovereignty
grips the heart and
will stunt the growth
of any urge prone to
surpass fate
i shall die
you shall die
in the same grave
your escape will not
differ from mine
i may burn
i may burn
we will burn the same
scream the same
a voice rises
a voice fades
over fields, through forests
down with rain
our souls saturated
chosen to belong to a night
forever
i am space
you are the frozen and
invisible that breaks me
perpetuates the bondage and banishment
(i cannot count the stars
but I can count the drops
of blood that have fallen
from my wrist.)
kiss lips fly
like thighs and smiles
fell from the eyes
of passion devoured
one two
want to
fall into
skin like great
stars do collide they
do explode they do
transform they do
energy
energy
synergism
sin sin we begin to see
things for what they are
are or
our nothing more
to say our day
awakes to smell again
the air it makes
the air it breathes
the air it shoves in between
itself knowing how high
the ceiling goes
throws these words to a muse's
mind somewhere in time
my shrine is built and burned
all at once
still in morning (i awake)
sun dries tears light
graces face of female sleeping angel
dark haired..........
still in mourning (carrying on)
never stop always lost
tides sweep clouds cover thunder clap
gone again
i laugh and point at
you
123181
reven
niaga
llahs
eht
dne
eb
os
gninethgirf
reven
niaga
llahs
uoy
yrc
rof
eht
yks
ti
llahs
yrc
rof
uoy
syawla dna reverof erom
There is much to be done.
-------------------
what does it feel like to look down at a city of ashes?
what does it feel like to talk to people lost inside themselves?
nothing sounds like nothing
looks like nothing
good is the notion
of peace to me i long to sleep
some things never change
WHAT! WHAT!
NOTHING LOOKS GOOD A TASTE OF PEACE
IS NOTHING BUT A TEASE AND RIGHT AT
THAT MOMENT MUSCLES TENSE....DECENT
INTO DISBELIEF FATIGUE AND VIVID
DREAMs I wake up in the arms of my
future but I love to keep my mouth
shut
I long to change in the arms of my
dreams keeps my future a tease and
a taste of peace
soft is the city of ashes
those residing are lost not to themselves
but the bittersweet softness of their city's
tease of peace
And I can smell your putrid sex
your gift of life to the world
swelling and breathing
perspiring of being
archaic drive to perform perpetuation
immortilization of a race
beating through your veins.
I want to ssuck every ounce, every drop
from your sweet fountain
and give myself the chance
for eternal bliss
granted with the wink of an eye,
a sideways smile,
that look
that would make angels
yearn for flesh.
But I sit still here
as the next layer cries
for fulfillment
quenched in only one thing.
How I ache to smell your stench
entangled with mine
taste the rotten fruit of
the brief loss of control
and end this insanity, duality, dichotomy.
���
=========================================================
Daydreams come in half hour shifts
Daydreams come in half hour shifts
seams of time diminishing rest(s)
(seems) like
(how) slow and coarsing (coursing) inklings wander
pressing kneading seconds stream
(longer)
daze in fade out
fade in daze out
days in a daze reek of the id
���
--------------------------------------------------<<
I can't believe it's happening again
the poison pumping through my veins burns and rips
slowly it is weakening me
my thoughts cannot be contained
the poison lies there too...
deadly sting from fingertip nematocysts
there was no pain
so how was I supposed to know I'd been stung
poor naive instinct
_____________________________________
Marcella...allecraM
Ich nehme Sie zur�ck
Armee von einer
Sie werden von selbst vergiftet
Sie k�nnen nicht das Licht sehen
Engel mit unterbrochenen Fl�geln
Sie sind so stark,
zu Boden gefallen
Ihren eigenen Wert nie kennen
Sie sind von der Anmut weggelaufen
���
_____________________________________________________________
i woke up in a frenzy, i woke up in a dream...
I counted sheep until I rose
The paintings on the wall torn down
the curtains scorched to ash
the blankets filled with slithering apathy
Outside the world was less than merry
the sky was filled with fire
the sun was nowhere to be found
an unknown fear enclosed my chest...
then the bindings begin to tear
a certain uneasiness begins to creep in
daylight breaks through the cracks
the world becomes restless
or maybe it's just me
Ever lingering uncertainty
brought about by false intuition
how can anything be trusted when the ground i walk on is unstable
plowing through traps set by my own self
selfishly tripping over and around and through the crowd
stilts made of gold turning to rubber
I stumble around the pillars
but even their insides have begun to crumble
(((((((((((wie kann alles vertraut werden, wenn der Boden instabil ist? Ich pfl�ge durch die Fallen, die von mich eingestellt werden. Ich l�se �ber und durch der Masse aus. Stelzen gebildet von der Goldumdrehung zum Gummi. Ich stolpere um die starken Pfosten des Steins. aber sogar fangen ihre Innere an zu zerbr�ckeln.)))))))))))
weariness at its worst...
meine Gold wird...was?
Schei�e...
nichts
���
_________________________________________________________
e a t e n
b y
s p a c e
Living "lifesque"-------------------
not quite lying to myself and others
it's closer to, safer to say feigning
a lifestyle, no, feigning certainty and content
with particular life choices that sound good
when they roll off the tongue and into the ear
It's here we have our central conflict
I've been hesitent, eager, fearful willing
to abandon some of my latest endeavors
my nature eventually succeeds my intention
and i'm held down by the force of
my brain's own bad chemistry
it's all an excuse
cycles
cycles
...............cerebral moment
------------------------00101110101011000000000000000110110110
a ladder
rung by rung
deconstructed slowly
stuck
in the middle
so close to the top
so close to the top
swinging swaying back
and forth
and forth I went closer
yet to the top
a step gave my foot
the slip
a crucial step
and crucial slip
the last slip
the last straw
broke me once
broke me twice
broke me yet again
now i hug the ground
and the soft spot is
in my eyes waiting
for the earth to recieve
me
a broken soldier of the soul
the hole is too big to sew
needles dance and the cloth
cries the old blood worn like
a medal
the time has come for me
to sleep and give the dream
the slip
the sun will rise
--------------------------------------------------<<
This morning
the sun trickled down on my face
leaving me scabbed and bruised...
don't you hate it when that happens.
I only seem to remember
the last time I watched the ground torch
flames of distinction swept past my feet.
The tarnish on my face
is so hard to get off
soap and alcohol and sodium cyanide...
acetones, ketones, and lye lye lye
refrain of the past
stuck in a loop
my acquaintence psilocybin
what the hell have I done...
���
------------------------------------------------------------------
this day arrived with
warm weather in her hands
i awoke most beautifully
to realize the frailty and
desparation of such passion
and my cares fell away like
the bird in the sky drifting
on worms and air
but the bird could not
hold the worm down or
in for that matter and exploded
now the world spins
covered in beautiful black
feathers (with a blue sheen)
--------------------------------------------------------
metsys=system
.............can't.....find.........missing
..........peices.....
............escape.........
-----------------------------------------------------<
A body started out
with skin and bones
and thoughts
and then soon
the whole concept of
this singular living
organism was corrupted by
life and circumstance
slowly each bone broke
slowly each patch of skin
began to disolve
each thought began to
change itself and run
away with itself
the keeper became the
slave
when one changes and
the other has nothing
to do
but observe time mutates
and becomes the ultimate
murderer
---------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to see what it's like on the other side...
but that has nothing to do with this.
You walk beside me
I hold so tight onto the rope
never letting go
my strength is my weakness
I yearn to have the grasp
to hold tight forever
collapsing I fall
...
ropeburns and slivers
strength only weakening
forgotten and lost is the past
denying the end
forever I wander
alone in the questioning
a sigh leaves
as I let go
it travels with swiftness
almighty speed
cleverly dodging
my grasping claws
I fall into darkness
alone in the ultimate
tempered by sorrow
I'm afraid of the past...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEADLINES
the fucking vague synopsis growing in my head
can't even begin to compete with my growing lack of discontent in this everyday struggle
dragging and dragging
onward to oblivion the soldiers call to march
their barren battlefront rages with unsettling apathy
consumation or deforestation or whatever ation you please
it's all the same
the drought of maggots sweeps forgotten terrain
but they remember it's there
selfish self-castration has seen it's time, buried remains only now starting to emerge.
the blatant paranoia in every second screaming to come to a hault embracing the obvious
settling on the unsettleable
loving the unlovable
seeing the imperceptable
denying the undeniable...
excuse me while my head explodes.
���
--------------------------------------------------------
the wretched tone
--------------------------------------------------------
sleeping still motionless legs
hang off the bed
no one walks the same anymore
arms don't move
like sleeping dead in the bed
no more shall we see
see
see
i'm the gun inside your head
i'm the obvious
threatening
what hides beneath the skin
your game is over
the rules have been broken
repeatedly and shamefully
again and again and again and again and again
WERE YOU WATCHING!!????
n o w i t
is over
the new beginning
holds its hands above your head
preying
yes
preying
waiting for your brain to settle in the inevitable
your blood waiting
boil spill
fuck
i'm going crazy
not
again
not again........................
0110001100001111010100101101000101100101
follow don't swallow? "See" said the blindman "Talk" thought
the mute "Stomp" said the boot much of this is cracked and
coded more is more when what is true the less you think
truth is lie told by people who forget things easily more is
needed when little is kept sacred I slept with snakes while the
women broke their arms trying to itch a scratch on the part of
their backs that they JUST CAN'T REACH do you know how many licks
it takes to get to the center of a wound or perhaps an enigmatic
incident stemming from some one's indifference or even all con
suming passion for driving those around them absolutely fucking
insane remember that time we went into the city to see if we
could unlock everyone's brain simultaneously by broadcasting
high pitched tones through loudspeakers implanted in unsuspicious
places like between the fingers picking and picking and picking
and picking and picking and picking so so so uh um
how high
is
high enough
to forget
what's
down below and inside all of the world burning
---------------------------------------------------------------------
picture yourself
all at
once being swallowed by
a large bird
so large the shadow
utterly dwarfs you
picture yourself
being too large
to swallow
but too small
to be regarded
as too big
therefore the large bird
refuses to let
you go (you silly
little prey) too
large to swallow
large bird supposes
he�ll bring you home
to be consumed
by the birds too
small to fend for
themselves their beaks will
break your skin and
shred your meat chip
your bones
but......
big
bird
sneezes and you are free..
.....
.........
............
...what a day I�d say
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Full Circle Again Again
Things change yes I know
Things always change change is the one constant
other than death
constant death this is forever waking up
and wandering into another unwelcome demise
demise of hope demise of love demise of self
self preservation no longer a concern but is still
an act carried out by the instinct to live and survive
through adverse conditions
I have the power to change things with my own
hands I have the power to shape my world
however the once easily manipulated
medium in which most of the living world
works in
for me
has now dried from neglect I came back too late
it crumbles in my fingers, slips through my fingers
slips my mind and eludes any method of rejuvenation
faced again (through my own doing)
with a world I hate with a world I want to love
with a life I hate with a life I need
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[picture a man pacing back and forth in.......i had thought
of a green, peacefull garden in the summer time but that may
not be suiting.........picture him where you please]
f u c k!!-------
-------i can't live like this (anymore?)))))))))))<<
f u c k!!-------
-------i can't do anything about [inserttttttttttt]]]....something, concentration failed
f u c k!!-------
-------each day a step lost or gained.............<<
f u c k!!-------
-------each day passed a ghost to be reccccccccccckkkooned with
f u c k!!-------
-------now a weaker me steps out of his ssskkin
f u c k!!-------
-------now discontent emerges
w h y-------
-------should i pursue..........anythinggggggggggg<<
w h y-------
-------am i expected to OBEY anyone
h o w-------
-------do you propose i continue in thisssssssssss mmessy fashion of soiling
a n d-------
-------cleaning and soiling and cleaninggggggggggg tthe sheets are wearing thin
C H R I S T!!!!!!!!!
I'M SORRY
-------I laid the heart to rest and I caaaaaaaaaaannn''t wake the beast
f a l l e n---
-------are the fingers raised in disapprrrrrrrrrrrooovval
the only way out now is
AAHHH!!-------
-------i've sent my message into that vaaaaaaaaaaassstt empty space we call
s p a c e-----
-------but i just forgot and now am beinnnnnnnnnnnggg bombarded
b y----
-------a rather large dense culmination oooff sound and speech
and i recieve them as if my ears have been transformed into
aural blenders and the usual method of mental processing
becomes a great ordeal of trying to piece everything back
together which i don't understand in the first place a
little insane and self defeating if you ask me but hey
at least the voices in my head aren't mine or manufactured
by a fractured alter ego of mine some of the montage sounds
like songs great ancient extraterrestrial cathedral music
paying homage to immense statues of alien might then there
are the hell-borne roars and screams at a range of pitches
little squeaks and sonic wobbles bangs and tapping, fragmented
distress signals sent out millions of years ago
it sounds like war and celebration thrust together
------------------let me to my puzzle tiiiiiiiiiiimmmee runs like water off the skin
..........................................................................
I wonder what would happen if I just kept driving...
I had everything I needed in that car...
....well...that means me.
Sometimes I wonder what would be brought to me if I weren't tied down to anyone or anything else
I don't need it all...
slowly starting to realize...
but then it's just ink on the paper
and I've forgotten already.
���
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fertile crescent opens the way
splinters of illumination drift and
settle,
coat harsh lines,
soften corners.
Dewy reflection
warm to the touch
satin, surreal serenity
���
------------
but then it all turns
dipped fingers exit in red warmth
sticky crimson delight
paralysis of the soul
enters as i depart
���
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There's Tea in My Leaves
Crumble brown
I steeped and tasted
with milk
and sugar stained the teeth and put
you to sleep
in languid motions
the body
found the bed
delicate light fell
like dreams into the
pillow and through
the ears a
tired soul fell
into transparency
Two hands
held the heart sqeezed
blood my veins
burst
outward
screams
the shock of my life
concentrated dense three thousand
times maximum capacity
angels devils men and women
pure innocence biting the tongue
of lust consumption
angels devils men and women converged
MADE LOVE TO THE
I N F I N I T E
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The blackest pool of sweat
a mirror spilled from the choked veins
pulsating with the absurdity of life
poisoned with fear and doubt
the cut so clean, so fresh
though made so long ago.
No matter how hard I try
I cannot find the place inside
our place, our mind
near-unconscious wanderings
left me hung on razor sharp stakes
I had only a small task
and I blew it.
Yeah I fucked up too.
���
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELD ON TIGHT trying not to let go of my thoughts
i had no way of recording them my head so full of
words and things i felt necessary to convey i try
too hard and the voices shut themselves up and never
let go of the pain they hold inside
so anxious to blow apart and open doors sealed for
their own good shaking shaking running around arms
out stretched hoarse throat there was beautiful
fucking music in the background of all this chaos
i was screaming for answers white knuckled I started
crying blood my angels failed me and my mind cracked
at the worst possible moment
i wanted nothing more than everything to be perfect
for everyone and everything all of us perched on a
sunset fit for a dream but it all falls apart
and we're left with not much more than bare feet
and broken bones our wild spirits lodged in our
throats like big cancerous lumps burning us away
long into agony just wanting to be held
everything could have been bright thick thorough
joy flowers smelling in the breeze the day like
a long song night could have lulled us to sleep
with a candle and a promise light our way right up
the stairs to a bed beneath the sky forever hung
above our heads
now time calls and we close our eyes only to wake
up in a world where day and night make everything
slip away through our fingers like sand the dance
we dance is slow still mournful dark but not always
in a beautiful way not ugly but too sad for my lips
to curl in black ecstasy we dance our dance into the
past our feet move faster and faster hell it looks
just the same and we dance ourselves away
we never changed too much never became too weak
when it's our time our hands will bear the scars
and the soul of existence will be our fruit
and we'll sink our teeth right into the meat
juices drip down rejuvenate the skin
in one exquisite gesture of fate
the air went thin and our lungs
crumbled our breath froze, bodies
ceased up like choking machines
the big bang a brilliant expanse of
color and light emerged THE BLACK WAS
SWALLOWED our promise fulfilled
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Erroneous Ideal
my spine tingles
shattered remains of what once was
scrape and claw
weary discontent
the damp cavernous (s)hell
eaten away from inside out
frail incarnation impugning
upon itself
.........over......and over.....and over......and over.....
���
____________________________________________________________
it was nice and quiet sitting alone by myself, yes alone by myself
and a voice came out of nowhere "EVERYONE'S OUT
TO GET YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!" I fell out of my chair and
crawled into the kitchen, and pulled myself up by way of the counter
there was nothing left to do except reach into the drawer and pull out
the biggest knife I could find. To the side of the silverware tray there
was a fairly large kitchen knife. I plunged the knife into my abdomen
as many times as I possibly could before passing out or going into shock
I even tried to stab myself in the back, if only to puzzle those who found
my body and those who had to assess the various wounds for forensic
purposes two days went by and I woke up with my skin stretched out and
nailed to the walls of the slivering sun in hell ground splintering beneath
me (screams) cracked glass eyes of satan himself a slave to a tragic woman
kisses her hand and the wind painted the sky sweeping down to save our
souls those in coffins with no nails we tried to hide but death gave us
no excuses still my bones a skeletal self innards twitching, clutching
desperately to their bone cage of confinement as each second went by
the woman cried, her tears fell through the ceiling and stiffened my skin
starting to tear spouts of flame the woman screamed "get your children off
the stove" her hands reach down tear me off the wall from my hell my own
hell satan satisfied his poor souls writhing in his gut process he laughs
comfortably in his soulful digestion I asked why it took so long for the
pain
to come "things move slow" he said "for all the times I couldn't cry the hour
sleeps an hour longer" funny how nothing ever makes sense even after
you've paid your dues and submersed yourself in sorrow a pain so real
it hurts constantly never lets up closing your eyes would just make the
the little things that much bigger EVERYTHING GOES BLACK
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE REA SO NS BEH IND EVERYTHING
it all started when we realized we
were all d e a d f u c k i n g WRONG
about everything we thought was true and right
Our sense of creative fertility was shattered by
untimely miscarriages endured by
the individual, deep in the night deep,deep in our
dreams, out of our dreams we awoke to a bloody mess on the floor
tiny sinews and random spatters spelled out: TOLD YOU SO
Told us so? About what
Our ignorance was not without cause; we truly didn't know, there was no
reason for us to understand. We would find out later, much later
Maybe tomorrow, maybe on our deathbeds, Maybe we'd find out
while we were fucking some one in ecstasy our out of desperation
or when we were making breakfast on a Wednesday morning when
we were pissing, talking, running, sleeping, crying, watching television
doesn't matter
This cryptic TOLD YOU SO seemed to be an insane
thing meant for insane people only seeking greater meaning
in their confusion
But it all amounts to a simple concept that's not
fully developed in our frightened brains
Infinitely increasing in lack of meaning but exponentially expanding
in metaphysical importance the fact that order out bids chaos
and chaos is a cheap meaning applied to something that has greater order
than any of the greatest orders theorized by scientists
preached by clergy and disregarded by the genious joe who sings
sidewalk psalms
our system fell into itself s c r e a m i n g and s c r e a m i n g
and the only thing filling space
was the perpetual din of reason's disintegration
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Possible Indifference..........
One day I woke up in a trance.
Extension of my dream perhaps, a bridge with no form, lead me to
sleepwalking
I couldn�t get where I wanted to go.
In the back of my head, my true destination
For some reason no one listened to me
I kept saying over and over how much I
needed.......
Blank stares, arms coddling dead bodies, voices clammoring on about
how life should be lived....... the old soldiers of life jawing on about
common sense and logic and the
consequences regarding strange behavior, unacceptable in the eyes of
the New Conformation
a chance to be whole
a chance to approach wholeness
a chance to change direction
a chance to find direction
Why now, I asked
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This Is Why It Is Possible
To Smell Alcohol On The Breath Of
A Person Who Has Been Drinking
Their mind wears the tear and wreaks the smell
that boils inside the cells of rotten thought
Intentions meant to satiate the
commonplace of boredom and the daily
slavery suffered by everyone
How long would it take you before you were
marked by the stench just because you brush
your teethand clear your mind
Gone but not forgotten
unseen but not inexistence
Soon the sun will rise
Why is there a sun in the
sky to wake us up and
force us into life dark
circles accentuate the tatterdemalion
that is
walking..walking....waking....wasting
If you look deep, deep
into the eyes you�ll see scattered
on the brain great Pantheons of Urge
waiting to explode with purpose and devotion
---------------------------------------------------------------------
poisoned and helpless
wandering at the brink of dusk
will this day ever end
perpetual shadow
chasing the crimson sun
air saturated with complacency
the feeling of no end
wind cutting like glass
strands of decay sweep the ground
dragging feet overcome
poisoned and helpless
wandering at the brink of dusk
will this day never end
hot air inhaled
the red glow subsiding
matured by madness
overly symbolic
and underly simple
profusion of consciousness
perversion of life
stretching of seconds
poisoned and helpless
wandering at the brink of dusk
this day will never end
���
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awake...
and realize
It's all a dream...or is it? The snow faints upon my face, every flake a collision between my skin and the cold. New life breathes down my neck and revives the pulse of life within my veins. On this I can dwell and tingle when fingers run up arched spine melting with his touch. A sideward glance of recognition in its most subtle form. Drifting in nothingness, in everything-ness, it doesn't matter, it's all the same. The harmony of spirit cascading through the barren alley now aching with silence...it's beautiful.
The hole's not so deep
all coming into focus
clarity at its clearest
streamline of hope
faster than
wait
no
I awake.
���
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I haven't peaked at Schrodinger's damn cat yet...
and the possiblities continue...
Pick up the pieces and do it again.
Void of all reason
how could I have underestimated
the softness of your...
not even rose petals
can convey
Supple, silky, soft, sweet lips
on my hand then held no match
now lips on lips are
beyond all compreshension....
���
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up in a forest. I woke up on the forest floor. My vision
was blurry from having just woken up and I found my self to be
surrounded by what appeared to be several weeping children, and
two weeping women. I'd gone to bed what felt like only moments
ago, and recalled my last real thought before falling fast asleep;
It's going to rain tomorrow, and I have to walk two miles to work.
But no. This is real enough to believe. It smells real, feels real, looks
real, the air tastes real. It's just as confusing as reality.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once we found ourselves, we lost ourselves and watched
ourselves drift away the complications of now and then
combined and weaved a blanket thick and rough but it's
the only thing to wrap up in, the only source of warmth
it's the only source of shelter and now with rough and
calloused skin the weather beats down and new kind of
winter descends upon us, more scorn in each sheet of ice
more apathy in each frozen drop and flake of precipitation
the moon, white clean and cold lights the lonely path to
our strange devotions and now once and for all there's no
turning back, light a fire and burn the sky
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
i see you
and you're blind
to me.
i see what you once were...
no such beauty had ever been percieved
gone
you float
the whispered hush of falling leaves
and there you sit
and rot
���
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intuition�s Greatest Falter
When the feeling of satisfaction
Reached my heart When calm and certainty
Settled on my brain and flattened and smoothed
The tumultuous waves of fear of the impossible
Future I walked on, as if time had no face
or consequence as if time did not matter
And I would float and drift and create my
Own world in which I�d prosper no matter
What, Indefinitely chaos would seemingly
Surmount the present, yet I would triumph
Holding nothing but love, love and more love
Challenging fate Challenging chance and
Challenging life this is where the worth of
Existence is assessed and confirmed the
Density of experience times a thousand always
Feeling, feeling, feeling no matter how
I go about living, I can do it with happiness
And know for sure that I am right by me if anything
Else
Then the intuition failed at it�s zenith or
Reality intervened like a cloud lifted maybe
My true eyes renewed who knows
But then the uncertainty of my present course
Became apparent and I stopped dead in my
Tracks to slip and question my truths
And self-made actuality
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Five
handed four
d
o
w
n to three
as two stood and watched we all
f
e
ll into one
and soon we found ourselves in the
hands of nothing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
how did this all start... my memory is just a blur. Forever this feeling crept up on me. Now that it's gone I can only begin to feel the gaping wound left by your absence in my daily thought. Posessed by another I cannot wake you to remember the times we so abrasively shared before. If you forget I forgive you... but I am not as lucky. The past will always haunt me and I cannot give in to the decency you've wove as a web. Forgive me but I will not forget... i can't forget the past. I've dug my own grave and how appropriate... the tragedies always end like this. The end is sorrow, the end is chaos, the end is sacrifice to how we feel. Fuck the daily rituals, fuck the routine, it all comes down to one or two moments that make the difference. It's just too bad that I've been marked to be the tragic character in this ridiculous spectacle we call life...
���
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where's my christmas spirit you ask? It ended up as a fucking brown stain on my matress when i was 12 years old. As if my own convictions and self-destructive narcissism aren't sufficient enough to bring me down on their own now i recieve you and all your bitter, angst-driven sarcasm spewing from that shithole you call a mouth. Don't pretend as if i don't know you mean what you say, even though your forced smile and the stolen sparkle in your eyes would elude to a plastic friendliness. I am what your piercing self hatred directed outwards has forced me to become after agonizing analysis due to a shattered self esteem. We are one and the same.
���
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't believe it's come to this...
I can't remember the last time I felt this way...
but the fact remains that I feel this way...
so be it.
your gentle kiss...nothing but a gesture...but warm, soft lips...meld with my skin...I am poisoned...incurably tainted...with blurry ideas...of the possibilites to occur...in my mind they're all there...proliferating to eternity
I don't know if I can stand...the feeling of their collapse...into one...there's nothing I want more...than just one more touch...of your supple lips to my flesh...wanting to not feel like this...quiet stranger...you speak more with your eyes...than speech would allow...look into the deep and dive in.
���
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Destruction of Itself(likepaintcloudingwater)
It is a matter of slow deterioration
Or a matter of eventual total pollution
An influx of toxins flooding and disorienting the body
Like paint clouding water
The color becoming so thick the water becoming
Sparse slowly replaced
The early pretty swirling stages slowly change, lead to-
(blue spiraling in on itself, dancing around and through itself)
the invasion is now complete
everything is blue
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Falsely appreciative of my existence.........
Misguided by the past
Habit breeds self-fulfilling truths
Snowballing, ever increasing
The distance between truth and truth
I�ve buried myself alive
The accumulation of time alone
outweighs my ability
to claim life as mine
My unconscious working all the while
calculating and surveying the world around
me, as if it was another entity
with motives and intentions
and opinions unlike mine in my waking hours
As it processes and turns, it bleeds into the conscious parts of
my brain, precipitating conflicts and chaos and destroying
undermining me
(pulled away by his obsession)
My mind has lost itself
Careened into wildest oblivion
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that man he ate grapes from the vine
and nothing has tasted the same since
walking wild in the city streets
screaming at the people about how they can see the stars
but they can't see the light
about how they know the sun is warm but they
don't feel the warmth
about how the people know they're alive but
they are not living
when he stands in the middle of the streets in the rain, his clothes forming to him, the wrinkles in his eyes and his sleeve become one and the same but his eyes never change always staring and pulling in his universe and then pushed out through the back of his brain
in the rain nothing is the same it's the one point in time when the world is yours if you don't mind the water and the slight notion that soon you will be drowning but common sense takes hold and you realize that you're not going to drown but you being you will embrace every drop falling from above as if it was your saving grace on your most desperate day "i have tasted grapes from the vine and my tongue wants nothing else than the blood, the marrow the life force running underneath through above below beyond outside my body, my body, this machine, vehicle in which I arrive and depart, in which I cry and laugh and scream, in and through which the pains and pleasures of life are felt first and foremost........nothing but beauty and perfection should be sacrificed now, the sum total shall be satisfactory, and the land and the people will be more beautiful than beautiful, let your tears fall and your voice carry......."
omne vivum e vivo
spontaneous generation perhaps
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To convey more with a wayward glance
than your cocky exaggerations
that fail to complete their duty.
Perpetuated in your own lies
you hide behind the shadow of excuse,
made on impulse and readily decaying.
Admit no wrong and deny your faults
then flaunt them for pathos
and recieve no satisfaction.
And this is my triumph.
For one blink of my eye
conveys more passion
than your withered soul
could ever try and muster.
This is my triumph.
���
------------------------
creation is countered
by destruction
being at once
and not at all
simultaneously
death becomes beauty
that fleeting moment that a soul leaves and drifts in
the in between
death bcomes beauty
when something in space
explodes
after the light and fire and intitail departure
of construct and structure
the tendrils twist curl stretch and mingle and
death becomes beauty
---------------------------------------------------------
the sky was so bleak that day...
i felt the pressure of the clouds inside my head
leaning on my loneliness
the sky was so bleak that day...
the wind was so angry...
i remember it well
it whipped around me like a ravaged beast
the wind was so angry...
the sky was so bleak that day...
as it said goodbye
it begged me to go
so i complied swiftly
the day was so sad
it pushed me down
early to my grave
and i died so swiftly
���
------------------
When it's time to leave this world, it's time. There's no stopping it. When it's all over and I feel like I've been sleeping in some one else's clothes, I'll just look and the mirror and realize.....I'm only a culmination of experience.
------------------
Still I crossed the fire, and the particular calm of personal harm seems to
be my reward. And what is this fire? What crossed the fire exactly? A strange,
strange creature that could not give the love it received, and therefore
grieved the pain, proving itself worthy only by diminishing standards. Which
says less about suffering and more about regret than you'd ever want to hear.
Eradicate hope and manifest fear, perpetuate fear and stunt the prospect of
hope.
Now here I am, waking, walking in my wounds. This is life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does Orange fade to blue
This I ask only you, only once, once and for all
Why does the blue-tipped black of night
push and push down push down on the day
Does the sun succomb and prepare
to reel around the earth yet again
Not from what I've been told we go in circles circles circles
And that the sun sits sits waiting for itself
Not knowing anything in particular, just burning burning
And we do the reeling round round and round watching orange fad to blue
------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I falling?
I don't have time to look
or catch myself
in the draft of things gone by
nothing can save me now
I have only downward to look
An underwarming warmth spills from within
I close my eyes and take in
the severity of thought
in all its glory
severing my collective nerves
and rendering me helpless
���
-------------------------------------------------------
Lost in confusion
I sit here now
caught in the web of denial
profound and silent and complete
I can't turn my back
without turning my thoughts
a cycloic whirlwind of dissonance
that I cannot escape
it lives and breathes inside me
I cannot accept the events
which I have brought upon myself
there's nothing worse
than digging your own grave
so here I sit
at the bottom
waiting for an answer
that will come from a source
unkown at this time
how will I endure
this pressure
pushing me down
the wieght on my head
is unbearable
it compresses my thoughts
renders them more severe
than I ever thought possible.
---------------------------------------
Once there was this man in a long black coat.
He liked to walk.
Most people thought he was strange and scary because he wore a long black coat.
They were right.
contact: axiom@somethingorother.com
