3.11.05
I apologize, if I have intruded, but I thought
this may be a useful contribution...



1.2.05
Post Consumption Psychosis
Information-input
Auditory hallucinations
    (Distant moans of
    agony)
(...distant banging [they're
trying to get in, to
me])
Notion of external evil
entity (immense, timeless, pure
and anciently sinsister)
Comes in waves
brief ascension to
lucidity-body-systemic
anxiety subsides...
...return to delusion
and insanity
in attoseconds
Cannot place the
person to the hand that
is rubbing my back
and head;
Fruitlessly transforming
her anarchic creative bones
to Mother Savior bones...
...eventual
Sleep

...residual effects
of psychic and
physical plunge
into
deconstructive
acid nucleus
sea
still being felt
in some capacity
Thirty-two hours
later.



_____________________________________________V
From 1.26.04 approximately 11pm

Something is pulling at my mind
my soul
i feel like I'll lose control
in the shower I'm frozen I stare at drops on the wall
and become one of those people who are damned to stare at a wall their entire lives with the same expression on their face
my parents will wake up and find me in the shower 7 hours later
with the same expression on my face
I'll want to cry with them and answer them but I won't be able to
I am helpless, I can't move my mind is slipping
something just snapped
I feel control coming back, I can move but something is different
i understand why serial killers kill
they know this
we are all running around and could die at any second
it'll come without warning and there's no undoing
how could anyone stand this

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my heart is racing
i can't get a grip on my mind
it feels like something is taking control
and soon I'll be a robot
I'll lose myself
I've never felt this way before
maybe some people have already become robots
when their souls fly away and are replaced by some unspeakable force
they can see what they're doing but their free will is dead
they are damned
i think my christian upbringing has not entirely left
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could this be what people mean when they talk about satan? something completely malignant is tearing at my brain, it wants control. i think i'm going to have an aneurism. all this for what. i will die tonight because my brain will self destruct. how do i know when I fall asleep I wont die. Something tells me if I fall asleep I'll lose everything, and I'll die.
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the matrix movies are an allegory for christianity

neo is an anagram for "one" and he is called "the one". Neo is obviously a jesus figure. Trinity refers to the trinity of the holy spirit, god, and jesus. Morpheus is like John the Baptist, he believes in Neo and pushes him to believe in himself.

The matrix is the reality most people hold, it is not being spiritually enlightened. Once people like Neo awake from the matrix, they are being reborn into the enlightenment of Christianity. There are even visual allusions to birth when Neo awakes from the Matrix. There are a group of people all in the same enlightened reality (the real world). These are the people who know Neo is different. These people represent the followers of Christ. They share an understanding. Zion is a whole city of awakened people. This must represent jerusalem.

Agent Smith is evil itself, or possibly even the devil. He can move into people and posess their bodies while they are in the matrix. This represents the christian belief that people who are not christian or enlightened are vulnerable to the influence of satan, who, according to christians, can take over people's actions, as if the people lose their souls or wills and are slaves to evil. This is how some christians view sinning people. The machines have something to do with evil and are tied to Agent Smith somehow, but I'm not sure how yet. Neo is constantly fighting Agent Smith, this refers to Jesus fighting evil face to face, which is talked about in the bible. In the end of the last movie, Neo saves the world by giving his life. When he does this, he is even positioned in a way that refers to crucifixion. After he dies, the machines are not hostile to the people.

morpheus discusses in the first matrix the world before the matrix was created. It was paradise, but people rejected it, and that led to the world becoming the way it was, where everyone was a slave stuck in a matrix. This refers to the Garden of Eden and man's fall (rejection of paradise) into a less perfect world, by choice.

There is a Judas figure: Cypher tries to betray Neo, after talking to Agent Smith (satan). Neo and Cypher even share water from the same cup, which is similar to what happens in the bible. There are many more similarities between Cypher and Judas that I dont' want to get into.

In the end of the first matrix, neo dies and then comes back to life. =resurrection of christ
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the government must have known how t.v. can hypnotize people before it was mass produced for consumption. it was probably tested in a lab to produce the desired results: a state of half-cosciousness where people are driven to buy things and do things out of no will of their own, though it seems to them that it is their will. what if tv was invented specifically to sedate the masses, and to create an economy beneficial to the extreme upper class, which includes politicans. tv could be a hypnotism tool that works on almost everyone. we are all drones, slaves to a money-making economy that benefits the few on top.
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what if the two presidential candidates really are just puppets for some greater controller

what if there already are aliens that came to earth and have put in place this facade of a government and covered up all evidence of their existence. could we really discern who gets to make the laws in the country? the process is so diluted, it seems that at any bend in the river that is the law making process someone with extreme power could be weilding greater authority than anyone else, and this someone could be practically anyone. Is there any real evidence that the whole of society is not some huge hoax of reality? I can't think of any, that's why I'm so scared.
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i know this is fucked up
i am so insecure
but what if what I believe to be true and substantial and real
and what I think you believe to be true and substantial and real
is really just a self-dillusion on my part
(I know it's not)
but what if
what if you had been lying to me or yourself this whole time
what if this whole thing were in my head
(I know it's not)
but if it were, and i realized there was nothing (t)here i think i'd lose control in the same way I almost just did. I think I would lose my mind
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that must be how schizophrenics feel when they realize their closest friends are self dillusions. I understand how schizophrenics must feel. what if i am schizophrenic, and you're my dillusion? i feel myself losing control again
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i understand heroin addicts
how they must feel
when they become slave to their substance
and need such a thing
to abandon reason and just become slave to some thing
it must be how I feel right now
fighting to keep my will
when my mind just wants to fly away
i don't want to lose myself
my mind is all I have
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I understand how schizophrenics must feel
what if Im a schizophrenics and i have two me's
maybe that's the losing control part
maybe if I snapped I would become another me
and have no recollection of the old me
until something made me snap back
and i wouldn't know what happened
maybe that's what it's like when a schizo first snaps
first realizes their other them
-fight club-
he snapped after he went to the support group
and became lost in oblivion
the desperation of doubting everything
nasea as Sartre put it
doubting his own mind, reality...life
then he had two hims
if I let myself go that could happen
I feel it...i know it could happen
but I fight for my mind
-
I just heard someone talking in a garbled voice
but I'm alone in my bed and there are no appliances on
save the fan
what the fuck... did I lose it? Is this it? am I going to hear voices now? or have i always heard voices and never realized it
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everything you said when I was cradling you and trying to help you through those nights came back and it was all making perfect sense... the optimistic view of all this i guess would be now i understand what you were going through. did I just have a sympathy-attack?