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Step One: Admitting that You're A Homosexual Draco sat stiffly in the cold white room. He was in a chair by himself opposite nine other people in pink and blue watching him sympathetically… disgustedly… apathetically. "The first step in any process is admitting that you need help. Before we can find out what caused you to be a homosexual, before we can treat you and teach you methods of resisting the urges of homosexuality that you may encounter in the real world, you all have to admit that you are homosexuals." Mary Cummings informed them. "Homosexuality is morally destructive and physically abusive to all who practice it. Emotionally, it destroys the people around the homosexuals, perverts their minds into accepting this as an acceptable "alternative lifestyle" " Mary held her fingers up in "quotation" marks on both words. "Homosexuality isn't a lifestyle. It is a filthy weakness. Ignorance of your transgressions is no excuse. You are hurting yourself and the people around you. That is why you are here. I feel that you've all taken a step just by coming here, whether you are open to the treatment or not. The more you put into your reformation, the more you will get out of it. Now." She clapped her hands together. "Please introduce yourselves down the line so that we can get started." The first girl in pink looked terribly familiar. She had large almond shaped eyes in a warm brown hue and black hair sportily held back by a pink scrunchie. Her lips were full, and she was looking at him a bit sadly from a naturally sweet _expression. She spoke softly. "My name is Cho Chang and I am a homosexual." Next to her was a girl who looked as though she was taking fashion tips from Helena. Her eyebrow was pierced and for some reason they'd let her keep her make-up, heavy black around her eyes and black lipstick, probably in order to accept putting on more later. Her hair looked as though she'd cut it herself with a razorblade, and then possibly saved the blade for her own suicide. "My name is Sylvia Wolfe and I'm a homosexual." Andreas grinned at him and winked. "My name is Andreas Guarini," Clap! "And I am a homosexual!" "For gods sake, Andreas, don't sound so proud." Mary said, shaking her head disapprovingly. "Sorry Miss Cummings. I was just trying to put a little enthusiasm into the room!" "Next." She clipped. "My name is Rob Eva-" Came the monotone voice from the person in pink. "Roberta. Your name is Roberta." She looked chastised. Her hair was in a crew cut, and really she looked more like a boy than Andreas did. "My name is Roberta Evans and I am a homosexual." "My name is Eli Woods, and I am a homosexual." His voice peeped out shyly from behind shoulder length, kinky brown hair. His voice was high and weak, and he seemed to be blending into the chair. Draco raised a brow at the young man. "Anna Mores and I am a fucking dyke." The tall girl said harshly. She glared at Draco as Mary heaved a sigh. Her hair was a soft blond, but her eyes were dark and she was rubbing her fingers at her mouth as though she was dying for a cigarette. "Rita Guinness and I am a homosexual." The black girl smiled a lopsided grin at him. "My name." Ron said slowly and deliberately. He was leaning back in his chair very relaxed, almost slipping out of it. "Is Ron. Weasley. And I. Am a homo. Sexual." Steven was fighting back a laugh as he spoke. "My name is Steven Silver and I am a homosexual." The last girl was soft, with pink lips and a ready smile behind her oval shaped glasses. "My name is Michelle Kaiou and I am a homosexual." Mary motioned to Draco. "My name is Draco Malfoy." He said obstinately. "And I am not a homosexual." "Yeah right." Anna said. She opened her mouth wide as she spoke. "You're more girlie than me." "I am not!" Draco raged. His cheeks flushed pinkly, and he balled his fists. He didn't want his father thinking that he was resisting, but he couldn't admit to a lie! "Yeah, so what are you thinking when you see a naked guy?" Andreas said tossing his head and holding his hand up beside his head, as if measuring him in his mind. "Hmm… I'm jealous of his great body. I wish I had that body. Mmm… what a nice di-" "I don't look at other guys naked." Draco countered. "You play Quidditch though. You must find yourself undressed with guys sometime." Ron suggested. "I know there are times when we run around the House in our knickers. Not like it's intentional or anything. Just there." "I don't look." "Maybe not on purpose. But you catch glimpses, don't you?" Cho said, still a bit timid. "Yeah," Andreas said grinning madly. "Someone says, boy, it's hot in here, isn't it, mate? And takes off his shirt, and he's so sweaty, and all of a sudden you feel this bulge growing in your pants. And it feels so good you start looking for it. You start looking at pictures and thinking-" "Everyone has thoughts like those. You don't act on them." Draco protested in moral indignation. Mary shook her head. "No, Draco. Not everyone looks at members of the same sex and has the thoughts that you do." "But…" Draco looked from face to face. "But it… I never even think about it! But I… I…" Draco bit his lip and fought back the revulsion. "I can't be gay. I'm a Slytherin!" "I don't think the Hat takes that into account, Malfoy." Ron said. "So you think about it, and you realize that you're thinking different things from everyone else." Sylvia said darkly. "You're different, and you don't know why. You don't feel comfortable being yourself, ever, but you realize that you want it. But everything you've been taught is that you shouldn't want it. You try to hide it, and hope that nobody finds out, because you could never live with people knowing how bad you are. How dirty you are for thinking about people you know that way. About people you should just be admiring that way. Friends, teachers, people on the street, damn, she's got a nice arse-" "No!" Draco wailed. Mary put her hand on the back of his chair and leveled her face with his. "Yes." "I…" Draco felt the little color that was in his face drain completely. "I'm a homosexual." Mary raised her arms in victory. "We have a breakthrough!" "I'm a homosexual." Draco repeated in horror. He was so dazed he didn't notice Mary speaking to the group, and the others getting up to leave, as a few of them patted him on the back reassuringly. Someone dropped a set of blues in his lap. "Welcome to the real dark side, Malfoy." A sarcastic voice said to him. He looked up to see Ron's face looking down at him grimly. He didn't have the energy to say anything biting back, or even hold back the look of sheer panic on his face. "Come on, now. Time for some food. We don't have to move on until tomorrow. You can change before we go." "I'm not hungry." He said weakly. He stayed in his chair, not certain if he could stand. "Shut-up and come on." Ron ordered. Draco nodded and followed him out of the room obediently. ** "I always knew." Andreas told them, spearing a cooked baby carrot. "No, really?" Ron asked sarcastically. Andreas munched, unphased. "What about you? Drooling over Gryffindors in the common room… dressing in your little sister's clothes?" "No, actually I hate dressing drag." Ron muttered. Draco choked on what he was chewing and took a big sip of the tea through a straw. "Yeah, that's right, Malfoy. Why don't you tell them about that dress I had to wear to the Yule Ball?" "Was it really a dress?" He asked. "No, course not. But it bloody looked like one. Harry and I burned the lace off of it before we went, but it still looked like a dress. Damn dress robes." "That could be your root, you know." Cho said merrily. She was sitting at another round table, but kept turning around to speak. "Mum cross dressed me at my first dance. It's good, but I have a better one." Ron grinned at her. "What's yours? Got asked out by a celebrity and got scared off boys for life?" "Huh? What do you mean by that?" She blinked at him confusedly as Rob stole her dinner roll. "Er… Harry." "Oh!" Her face lit up in surprise. "He's so… down to earth most of the time, I forget. No, bless him that had nothing to do with it. Don't tell him this, but…" "But what? Screwing Hermione?" She chuckled. "I wish. I… well Cedric asked me to the dance, and I said no, because I wanted another girl in my house to meet with me at the Ball, sort of secretly. But when Harry asked, I didn't want to use him as a cover because he's so nice to me and he could get hurt, so I told him I'd said yes to Cedric and went and told Ced I'd changed my mind." Cho flushed and looked at him with chagrin. "It was a rather bad scene." "I was wondering about that. That's how you know Harry's so right straight. He falls for lesbians." Cho laughed again softly. "How are you guys so comfortable about this?" Draco grumbled. He found he couldn't force much of it down, though the food was better than he'd expected considering the other accommodations. "We're just used to how much it sucks." Sylvia told him flatly. "I don't know how you couldn't know." Anna snapped. "You're so effeminate even I kind of want to fuck you." "I am not effeminate." He shot back. "Don't mind lil Miss Thang." Andreas told him, flipping his wrist, then pointing to her with a similar motion. "She's just mad because that's all the fish she gets to eat." Anna stabbed a piece off her plate and snapped it off savagely. Draco relaxed his scowl and sighed, poking the food on his plate some more. "Yeah, 'm trying to keep me girlish figure, too." Steven said. Ron shoved him. "Don't be daft." "I can't help it." Steven grinned. "Buck up, Draco. We're all in this together. You'll kick this thing, I know it." "Of course." Draco said, still staring at his plate. "I won't fail." *** After they'd cleared their dinner plates, Draco slipped away from the others, finding the backside of a building where no one was and slid down the wall. All this was a little much for him to accept at once. It had never even occurred to him that looking at boys was an option, so he simply thought he hadn't much of a sex drive. It was a good thing, really. Kept him from having attachments that would get in the way once he was a Death Eater. His father would find a suitable wife, who would provide the children and heir to the name, and then get to do whatever she wanted. Now Draco was wondering why his parents hadn't thought to provide a spare. It probably never crossed their minds that he would become a homosexual. "I've got to beat this thing." "That's what they all say." A deep voice chuckled. Steven appeared at the corner of the wall. "Good instinct, he has. Found our little hiding place on his second day." "Oh for crying out loud. Get out of here." Anna glared at him as she rounded the corner, Ron right behind her. "He can stay. If he can keep his trap shut." Ron said. He pulled something out of the pocket of his blues, smacked it against his hand. He pulled out a cigarette and handed one to Anna. She took it eagerly. "Wish they'd let us use magic here. Matches are right bloody hard to find." She struck a match up against the wall, watching it flame up vigorously, then holding it out for Steven and Ron to light their cigarettes with. Bending over to the flame, breathing in ever so slightly, his eyes half closed in anticipation…. Draco watched Ron intently. He really was an attractive boy, he noticed, now that he was looking. "Care for a fag?" Steven asked, smacking his own pack then offering it to him. "To turn a fucking phrase." Anna muttered. She sucked in on the cigarette like she was getting sexual pleasure from the intake. Ron did the same, puffing out a smoke ring as he caught Draco's eye. "Why not." Draco took on and leaned over for Steven to light it. "You've got to drag a bit, no… right that's it." Draco pulled the cigarette away from his mouth and choked. Anna laughed harshly. "Iddle baby doesn't like the taste? Never had a fag before? Iddle baby virgin boy? Not surprised. It's easy to be a prude when you're really queer." "Shut up." Draco coughed. He took the cigarette to his lips again and breathed in a little more slowly. He resisted choking and breathed out again. There we go. I can get used to smoke in my lungs. I can get used to a girl beneath me. "Look how he's holding that fag." Anna smirked and nodded to Ron. Ron looked over and crooked a smile. "What?" Draco demanded. He looked at his hand. He'd taken the cig between his index and middle fingers, pinning it there and splaying them back a bit whenever he exhaled. "Nothing. It's sort of cute, it all." Ron held up his own hand. He and Anna were both holding their cigarettes between the tips of their index, middle finger and thumb, curled around intensely on the small roll of paper, tobacco and herbs. "Cute." Anna scoffed. "Don't worry about it. We're not even supposed to be smoking, so I don't think you're going to get heteropoints off for holding a cig like a woman." Steven said mirthfully. "How can the way I hold a cigarette be womanly?" Draco hoffed. Anna snorted. "Just like the way you were leaning against that wall is womanly." "Leave him alone. I'm trying to get a smoke here, not gossip about all that gender role shit." Ron said tersely. He leaned back against the wall, taking another deep drag on his cigarette. Draco was beginning to feel a bit of numbness in his head, like somehow he was relaxing all over. He'd never smoked before and wondered if that was normal. He was hardly going to bring it up, in any case. "My mate turned me onto smoking, you know." Steven said conversationally. "I knew him from school, but we sort of met in a public loo." "That's nice." Ron replied sarcastically. "Really. Sweet and romantic." "Yeah." Steven said dreamily. "He wasn't though. He was rather committed when we were alone, but around other people he would freak out. He broke a few of my ribs in the locker room when his friends caught us together. So he pretended he was beating me up." "Men are so stupid." Anna concluded. "I know." Steven agreed wistfully. "You didn't go back to him after that." Anna glared over at him. Steven shook his head and sighed. "He told me, he'd never loved anyone as much as me. And I told him to be happy. And left." "Love is a swift kick in the ribs. How poetic." Draco muttered. Ron groaned. "Exactly. Though I would have said it was a kick in the arse." He dropped the cigarette and put it out with his shoe. Then bent over and picked it up. Draco raised a brow. "Can't let them know we're doing this. Anna will get in more trouble than us." "Why's that?" "Smoking, drinking and partying are things a proper lady shouldn't do. And all that fucking rot." Anna mimicked Ron's motions putting out her cigarette. "Catch you pansies later." She peeked her head around the corner of the building and walked away from them briskly. Steven sighed. "Back to the bunks I guess." Draco followed them silently. The sun had set by the time they reached their house. He found himself following Ron's lead rather closely, since he didn't know where he was going. At least until Ron turned his head and gave him a skeptical look. Then he dropped back a step and hoped he didn't trip over anything and make an idiot out of himself. "Oh, boys, have you been out doing naughty things?" Andreas chimed as they walked through the door. "Yeah. Me, Ron and the new boy decided to go for a threesome." Steven said, in his flatly joking way. Eli smiled at them. He was already under his covers, eyes drooping. He cuddled against his pillow and yawned. "Who's got the showers first?" Ron asked, pulling out his blue pajamas. "I hope I get to keep these. They're the only nightclothes I have that actually fit right." Steven chuckled. "Want to share the shower?" "I don't give a damn, but I think Mary might." Ron said. "You go. Then Draco, I guess. I'm used to cold showers. Or I'll just knock off and take one in the morning. It'll wake me up." Steven grabbed his clothing and half ran, half danced his way into the lavatory. "He's too sweet." Eli said softly. "When I get out of here, I'm going to make a real man of myself and beat the living shit out of that ex of his." "I dunno." Ron said. He picked up his book and again glued his eyes. "That boy seems like the looks-bloody-straight-muscular-jock-boy-but-really-a-bottom type." Eli laughed silently. "Besides, Steve hasn't even given us a name yet." Ron informed him. "Oh, he won't." Andreas said. "He's protecting him. Like Cho won't tell us who the object of her affections was last year." Ron shrugged. "Let 'em hide." "What's a bottom type?" Draco asked. All three boys looked at him in surprise. "You really don't know anything about this, huh?" Ron said, watching his face curiously. That question seemed to be sufficient in jarring him from his book. Draco blushed a little. "Never mind." "No, Mary will go into this." Ron argued. "Okay… bottom, as in top and bottom. As in who does what during sex." Draco blushed harder. "So bottom is bad?" "Bottom is passive, and therefore bad. Some guys can convince themselves they're still straight if they've had sex with a guy, but still been on top, like they would be with a woman. Being a bottom means being the "woman" in the relationship." "Right. So this is the "women are bad" thing." Ron grinned. "Sort of. But really, either is good. It's not like the bottom isn't having fun, and I know lots of guys who switch up. It depends on your relationship and all that." "Any more questions for us perverted experts?" Andreas asked cheerfully. Draco grimaced. "Er… no." "Feel free to ask." Ron said. "I'm guessing between the four of us we know all the ins and outs, so to speak." Andreas held up a handheld device beside his bed. "Seen the tazer yet, baby?" "The what?" Draco leaned over his bed and looked at the identical item at his bed. "You zap yourself with it whenever you have unclean thoughts. I use mine often." Andreas grinned. "Sylvia probably uses hers every five minutes." Ron muttered. Just then Steven danced out of the bathroom in his pajamas and a towel around his head. "Your turn. Been talking about me?" "Tons. You have no secrets left." Ron informed him. Steven grinned and torn the towel off his head, swinging it at Ron. "Go for it, Draco." He eyed the other boys and headed into the lavatory. It was, of course, blue. Draco decided he was off the color as he locked the door. There was a large room length mirror, he assumed for the purpose of them all-getting dressed in the morning at the same time, and three sinks. He stripped down with his back to the mirror and hopped into the shower. The soap was blue. "Argh!" Draco groaned to himself. He soaped up quickly, running the bar all over his body and then jumping under the water, which was in fact, cold already, since the other boys had already taken their showers. It wasn't ice cold, though, and he managed to get himself reasonably clean before his teeth started chattering. Washing wasn't what took the time. It was shampooing, conditioning, and rinsing his hair. The time was worth it though, and he darted out of the shower to seek refuge in the blue towels. "I may never wear blue again." He muttered to himself. The pajamas were soft and comfortable, he decided, running his hands over the fabric. He looked up to see if they had a hair dryer and caught his reflection in the fogged mirror. It was blurry. His thin, pale, angular body distorted in the harsh reflections. He turned away and pulled his pajamas on. "You okay?" Steven asked as he stepped out of the lavatory. Draco raised a brow in surprise. "I mean, we heard a noise. But you locked the door." "Didn't want any of us trying to play pirates on the seven seas?" Andreas asked teasingly. "Not really. House elves aren't very discreet. If you don't want them barging in, you lock the doors." He informed them, buffing his hair a little more as he crossed the room. "We don't have that many house elves around here. Just for food and cleaning." Steven said. "Yeah, but it's probably habit. Why'd you scream?" Ron said. "I didn't scream. I was just reacting to all the damned blue around here." Ron laughed. "Seriously. Color therapy." Draco looked around at the other boys. Eli was already asleep, in the bed between him and Ron. Andreas was on the other side of Ron's bed, and Steven was on the other side of his own. He sat on his bed and just let the rushing of blood in his head pound for a moment before he pulled down the covers. "What are you reading?" He asked Steven. Steven smiled and showed him the cover. "It's for school. They'll let you have your books to do homework in off time if you ask, and if you're good." The outside door to their house opened and they heard heavy footsteps coming inside. Paul poked his head in the door. "Okay, boys. Lights out." He informed them, reaching over and turning the lights out on them with his wand. Draco sighed, as did Steven and Ron, audibly and in unison as they put their books by their beds. Paul left, locking the door as he went. "I feel like an anklebiter. Who goes to bed this early?" Andreas said. "Well, other than Eli." "Well, they're not about to let us go out clubbing." Steven jested. "I was actually looking forward to sneaking out for some clubbing this holiday. Only problem being Crabbe and Goyle aren't very good on the dance floor. I'd have to pay some girl to get stepped on by them." Draco informed them. Ron burst out laughing so loud that Eli started out of bed. "Wha? Whazzamatter?" He looked up and around groggily. "Nothing, Eli, go back to sleep." Ron said. "Now that's an interesting notion. I was rather thinking they went with each other to the Yule Ball." Draco had to laugh at that. "Hardly." "Oh, I'm never going to get to sleep with you harpies talking about that stupid Yule Ball. Should I transfer to Hogwarts so we all know the stories and you don't have to talk about it?" Andreas complained. Eli was back to sleep, softly snoring. "Stop whining. I can't sleep either." Steven told him. "We'll get used to it." Draco said softly. "You can get used to anything." "Well, I've a lullaby for you. All of you hush up and I'll sing you to sleep." Ron wiggled up into a sitting position on his pillows and took a few deep breaths. The others waited in anticipation for this odd offer. "You're the one who's always choking Trojan~" Andreas snorted and grabbed his tazer. "You're the one who's always bruised and broken Draco felt like any relationship he started would necessarily be with someone who had already been hurt deeply in ways the eyes couldn't see. "I understand the fascination prologue, part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, epilogue |