Flowers at the Feed Store

  
  
5/9/98  
Never take your wife to the feed store on the day  
before Mother's Day!  
    
The day for all Mothers just happens to coincide with  
the plant sales at our local feed store. They set out  
displays of every kind of flower imaginable on tables  
surrounding the entrance doors, forcing you to shut  
your eyes and plug your nose if you just want to  
make a quick in-and-out for rabbit pellets. If you  
made the mistake of taking your wife with you bring  
an extra clothespin and pair of dark glasses for her.  
Park far from the entrance so she doesn't catch wind  
of the blossoms and tell her there's a gas leak or  
something equally as odorous near the building as  
you snap the clothespins on her nose. If the sun is  
shining it shouldn't be hard to convince her to wear  
the glasses but if not tell her that her eyeliner is  
running.  
 
As you near the crowds at the potted perenials say  
the place is closing and you must run if you want to  
catch them before they lock the doors. Once inside,  
take a good look around before letting her remove  
the blinders and plug. Is anyone carrying armfulls of  
hanging baskets overflowing with Gardinias? Do  
you notice anybody standing in line with a shopping  
cart filled with Violas and Pansies? Be sure to hold  
her hand tight as you grab a bag of rabbit feed and  
toss it over your shoulder. Have the money ready  
when you step to the cashier. Hurry now, here comes  
a poor man with arms full of Petunias and Dianthus'  
being led by a wide-eyed wife.  
 
You're almost home free when the clothespin slips  
from your wife's tiny nose and the scent of a rose  
glues her feet to the sidewalk, only for a second  
though, she rips off the sunglasses and throws them  
away, quickly regaining her senses as you lose all  
hope of keeping yours. An hour and a half later you  
tie the trunk shut over boxes and flats of flowers and  
drive home babbling to yourself, right eye twitching  
and hands shaking.