Title: It’s Not a Snoz Wangler (1/1)
Author: Queena
E-mail: thessulah@aol.com
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Buffy finds a monkey.
Distribution: It will be at the Buffy/Oz site.
Feedback: Give it to me, baby. Uh huh, uh huh.
Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters. They ain’t mine. Don’t sue.
Author’s Notes: This is the third in my O/B series that I have named the ‘Blood Pump’ series. Which my loverly sis, came up with. Along with the title of this installment.
Dedication: To Tiki, for being a gem and starting the Buffy/Oz site. She’s the coolest and I loved her story. Didn’t you?

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Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Hello, vampires. I’m the Slayer. You’re supposed to be trying to kill me. Having no vampires around, pretty much makes patrolling for vampires pretty pointless. Hmmmm, maybe singing ‘Feelings’ to myself will make the time pass faster. “Feelings, nothing more than feelings.”

Okay, now we’re talking. Where is that growling coming from? Oh, probably from that big dog-type creature that’s circling that tree. “Nice doggy, good doggy.” Where is that voice coming from? Oh, well. Fight first, then figure that out.

Crack. Take that ya stupid mutt. Crack, crack. Ah, no. These shoes are brand new. Stupid fucking dog. Ow, who said you were allowed to have spikey things on your back. K, now where did I put that long knife? Oh, yeah, my nifty- neato leg sheath. Now, if I can just get this thing to stop trying to use my leg as a chew toy, then I’m set. Crack, chomp, ow. You stupid spasmatic creature of the night. Die! Ah hah, death from above. Yeah, what now? Ya want some, get some. Slice. Ew, dammit! Stupid thing is going to pay for getting blood on my new skirt. Hi ya. Crunch. Oh, gross. Now, how the Hell am I supposed to clean brain out of my hair. This is really gross. At least the dumb thing is dead.

“Uh, Buffy.” Where the Hell did that come from? Who called my name. No one in front of me. No one behind me.

“Uh, up here.” Up where? What in the.....

“Oz? Is that you?”

“Yeah.”

“How did you get up in that tree?” And why didn’t I bring my camera?

“That thing chased me up here.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Gasp, gasp, pant, pant. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, Buffy breathe. This is rude. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, I’m done now. Hee hee.

“Do you need help getting down?” Ha, ha, ha.

“No, thanks. I wouldn’t want to deter you from your merriment.” Oh, I hope he’s not mad at me for laughing at him. It’s just he looked so hilarious, sitting on the high up tree branch with his legs swinging. Like Maculay Culkin in My Girl. He doesn’t seem to have any problem getting down by himself.

“No, you should laugh. You don’t do it nearly enough.” Oh, good. That must mean that he’s not mad at me.

Weird. The way he landed on his feet in a low crouch. Almost animalistic. Oh, yeah. Oz is an animal. Well, sorta.

“What is that thing?” Good question.

“Well, normally I would say, ‘ If it looks like a werewolf and it walks like a werewolf....” but that’s not the case. What with there being no full moon. And you being a werewolf and not being one. If that makes any sense.”

“It makes semi-sense. What do we do with it?”

“I don’t know, but Giles is going to want to see this.” Cell phone, cell phone, where did I put that new and super-cool cell phone that mommy got me for Christmas? Here it is.

“Hello.” Okay, this is the second time Wesley has answered Giles’ phone. Those guys are spending way too much time together. We can’t have them forming any bonds here.

“I need to talk to Giles.” Don’t say anything, you stupid little twerp.

“Why? What’s the matter? Is there anything I should know about?” You had to ask.

Sigh. “Yeah, there’s a thingie I just killed and I think you *both* ought to see it.” You better bring Giles.

“What does it look like?”

“Why bother telling you when you’re just going....Oz, stop kicking the remains! Just hurry up. I’m in Yauger Park.” Click. You better hurry.

Aw, he looks so cute when he’s been reprimanded. Oz, you’ve been a very naughty, naughty boy. Now, I want you to go to the corner and think about what you’ve done.

“Wanna help me drag him to that patch of bushes?”

“Not really, but anything for you.” Anything? Hmmm, maybe I should hold him to that.

Grunt. Gosh, this thing is heavy. It’s called Slim Fast. Every hear of it? God, but this thing smells bad. Almost as though it was rolling around in it’s own shit. This is too gross for words. Ah, finally. We’re here.

“So, ya go out looking for a good slay and find me up in a tree. Exciting night, ain’t it.” Wow, more than one sentence at a time. New record. Just trying to make conversation.

“Hm, you were pretty high up there. You looked like a little monkey. I’ve always wanted a monkey.” Oh, great. Why don’t you just come out and say ‘I want to jump your bones”? Sure, compare him to a monkey and then tell him how you’ve always wanted a monkey. But that would be cool. To have one of those little monkeys all of your own. Like the one from “Outbreak” , but without that nasty virus.

“Just so long as you don’t try to steal my pants.” What? Why would I want to steal your pants? I mean other than the obvious reasons.

“So, I was just thinking about you the other day.” Oh, really? All good I hope. What about me? That I’ve obviously got a major crush on you and as much as you’re flattered, you’re still really in love with Willow and you don’t think it would work out? Sorry, Buff, but you’re just not my type. I hope we can still be friends.

“See, I got a pair of tickets to the icecapades and I thought you’d want to go with me.” What? Is this like a date thing? Is he asking me out on a date? And why the icecapades?

“Yeah, Devon’s got a icebunny groupie and I mentioned that I had a friend who loved the icecapades and she gave me tickets to the next show.” He remembered. Aw, how sweet.

“Ya know, this conversation would work a whole lot better if I wasn’t talking to myself.” Oh, god. I was staring. And I can’t even imagine how goofy my grin must have looked.

“I’d love to go to the icecapades with you. So, long as it doesn’t interfere with any end-of-the-world prophecies.”

“Well, if any of those should pop up, feel free to cancel.” Okay. Good. So, we’re going out together. But are we *going out together*? Is this like a date or just a friends hangin’ kinda thing? Like a, ‘I really don’t have anything better to do so I might as well go stare at ice, but who wants to stare at ice by themselves?” kinda thing?

“So, uh.....” How do I put this?

“It’s a date then?” Whew! Off the hook.

“It’s a date.” Wow, I’m suprisingly giddy. Well, that might have to do with me not having had a date in over a year. Yeah. And now I have a date with Oz. Willow’s ex-boyfriend, Oz. The ex-boyfriend, Oz, that broke up with her and caused fits of tears. But that was probably because she was the dumpee instead of the dumper. She had gotten over it amazingly fast.

“Buffy?!” What impeccable timing those two have. Good thing that Giles only lives a couple minutes away.

“We’re over here!” Okay, hurry it up a little. Oz looks like he’s going to start kicking the dead animal again. Okay, just prodding with his foot. Better than kicking.

Giles! My favorite Watcher, here to save me from an uncomfortable silence. How I love you so. Yeah, get right down to business. Inspect the dead smelly thing before even asking if I’m okay. I suppose I’m the only one who cares that that thing just ruined a forty dollar pair of boots.

“Hah, this is very interesting.”

“Is this what I believe it to be?”

“Well, what do you believe it to be? I’m not a bloody mind reader.” Snippy much, Giles? That’s okay. It wasn’t me you were snipping at.

“You don’t have to get snippy.” To you, he does. I like it better when you’re fighting then when you’re being civilized with each other.

“Well, if I’m not mistaken, this is a vermicous kinid.” That’s once. I wonder how many times he’ll clean his glasses in the next ten minutes. My bets on two.

“Really? Quite a legend.”

“Why does vermicous kinid sound familiar?” I’ve heard of those thingys, but I just can’t place where.

“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” Count on Oz to know.

“Oh, yeah. Is this one of those things that liked to eat the little cute oompa loompas?” Oh, now I’m kicking it. But how could it eat one of those poor little defenseless orange men. They were so cute. And they sang catchy little tunes that stick with ya. ‘Oompa loompa doompity doo, I’ve got another puzzle for you.” I cannot believe I still remember that.

“Actually, I think it was the snoz wanglers that he officially said ate them, but I could be wrong.”

“What are you two prattling on about?” Yeah, right. Like you don’t know.

“Oh, come on, Giles. You must have seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Everyone’s seen that.” You can’t lie to me. I can see the shame in your eyes.

“All right I might have caught it on Disney at one time or another.”

“Disney? You watch Disney, Giles. Not very manly of you.”

“I’ll have you know, Disney shows many great classics at night.”

“Yeah, and you never tune in for ‘Ask Mutumba’.” Teasing the old guy is fun.

“Certainly not.”

“‘Ask Makumba’”

“Huh?”

“The show’s called ‘Ask Makumba’.” Oz would know. He’s so cute. Now time to tease him. But I’ll only give him my ‘teasing look’.

Awwww, it’s so cute when he shrugs. “It’s on after the Gummy Bears.” I really have to stop doing that. Everything about him can’t be cute.

“Well, we’re going to have to get this buried.” Wesley, I hate you. Of course, we have to bury it. ‘Cause it’ll bring my good mood down. And I can’t have a good mood without something to bring it down.

“Do we have to?” Yikes! I hate Giles’ stern looks.

“Well, I guess I’ll talk to you later. You have my number?” Don’t go.

“Yeah, but I could stay and help. With the whole burial thing.” Oh, he’s so sweet for offering. And I really don’t want him to leave. But he really does look kinda tired. He should probably go home.

“No, thanks. The three of us should be able to handle it. Go be a good civilian and get some sleep.”

“I’m not a civilian.”

“I know you’re not.”

“Actually you are. So, it might be better if you did go.” Grrrrr. Shut up, Wesley. As soon as Oz is gone, you’re so gonna get it.

“I’ll talk to you later.” Wow, that’s the most animosity I’ve ever seen in Oz’s eyes. Better watch out, Wesley. I think he’s got in for you.

“Bye.” That sounded slightly pathetic. But I can’t help it. I’m so sad to see him go. I always am.

Crack! “Ow! What the bloody hell?!”

“Don’t talk to him like that.” Yeah, that’ll teach ya.

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The End