HTML> Title: I Want....(1/1)
Author: Queena
E-mail: thessulah@aol.com
Rating: PG
Summary: Oz muses over his feelings for Buffy and the slow progression of their relationship.
Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters used in this story. I'm not the one.
Author's Notes: This is a short interlude in my "Blood Pump" series. Oz's POV. I’m not nearly as good at Oz’s thoughts. Sorry.
Dedication: To Mala, for writing some O/B fic. Thanks, sweetie. And to Tiki, my muse, as always.

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Huh. Buffy. Why her? I've asked myself this question a thousand times over. The one girl that could help me get over Willow and it would have to be her best friend. What was it that I first saw? All of her traits blend so well together that it's hard to pinpoint the one thing that did me in. If I were asked to, though, it would be that way her eyes light up every time she saw me. Wide hazel eyes, shining just for me. Willow never looked at me that way.

Willow. Sigh. I still love her. I don't suppose I'll ever stop. And I miss her everyday. But it's time to move on. It's time to give life a chance. That's what I never got. How someone that could fill me with so much love, could also fill me with so much self-hate. Hated myself for loving her. And I hated myself for not being able to make her love me back.

Buffy doesn't make me feel that way. She couldn't even if she tried. I'm still not sure what it is *she* fills me with. Maybe it's self confidence. I can't be sure, I've never really felt it. It's odd. Not that I would have recognized self confidence if I felt it. I've always been pretty neutral. Not exactly emotionless, just closed off, even to myself.

And now, there's this beautiful, witty, strong woman and she likes me. She doesn't like me because I'm in a band, or because I have *cool* hair, or because I'm the first guy to show interest in her. And certainly not because she's selfish.

The first time I saw it was when I staked that vamp before he got a chance to hurt her. She looked up at me and it was....just there. First the flood of relief quickly followed by the utter happiness. And then confusion. It wasn't the first time I had helped her, just the most crucial.

I finally got the courage to ask her if she would go to the icecapades with me. I lied to her. I told her that some groupie gave me the tickets, but it wasn't true. I bought the tickets. I heard the icecapades were in town and I rushed out to buy the tickets, remembering how much she loved them. I can't be a saint, sometimes I, as a human, have to stretch the truth to fit my own purposes. Not surprisingly, that had fallen through. The powers that be and all. But the evening wasn't a total waste. I kissed her. Or she kissed me. I'm still not clear on that issue. But it felt so....so....right. Warm and tingly, but without the heart-crushing feelings that came with Willow. It was nice and fun.

And I think about it, I think about it all the time. When I'm in class, when I'm at practice, when I'm in the middle of a set, I would think about her kiss. How her lips felt against mine, moving smoothly. It was only a couple of seconds, but so much longer in my mind's eye. And then way too short.

And then we kissed again. At the club. I have to admit that I'm a little ashamed of myself. When I first kissed her, it was a gentle pull, I couldn’t help myself. It was just supposed to be short and sweet like the last time. That's when I sensed him, lurking in the shadows, watching us, her. Her with me. I could feel his jealousy and for some unknown reason, I wanted to rub it in his face. I deepened the kiss, my tongue sliding over her lips and she quickly allowed me entrance. And then he was gone, not physically, I don't think, but from my thoughts, and it was only her and me.

Devon has the best timing, just perfect. I didn't want to stop kissing her and I would have continued until I had her pinned against the brick wall. And I don't like to lose control. So for once, I thanked God for Devon's timing. When I left her, I smiled a bit to see Devon waiting on the inside of the doors. He slapped me on the back like he was actually proud of me. It creates a sick feeling in my stomach to know that that made me happy. I found a girl that my friends could accept. And even happier to know that Buffy would never accept Devon.

I've made a resolution. I resolve to stop analyzing everything I do. I'm going to go with what I feel. Willow be damned. Angel be damned. It's time for a little selfishness. I want.....

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The end