TITLE: Guilt
AUTHOR: Ragna (Obsessive-Compulsive Spike)
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just tell me!
DISCLAIMER: Everything except what comes out of my pretty little head belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy.
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: None, unless I miraculously get hired to write for the show.
FEEDBACK: Wanted. Needed. SEND IT!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a Buffy POV piece.
~*~*~
I did a really stupid thing.
Willow...she told me. All about her and Spike. For almost two months before she broke up with Oz.

And...I kept it a secret. Still haven't told anyone, either. I'm done patrolling, for now, and I decided to go to the Bronze like I usually do.

Tonight, it seems I missed Dingoes Ate My Baby's set. Damn, and that's a shame, too. I love watching Oz. He's got such a...modest stage presence. Helps that he's a doll, and good looking to boot.

Okay, so I have a slight crush on him...who can blame me?

Back to why I was thinking about the secret. I went to Oz and Xander, first thing I did when I saw them. And they looked, well, angry. Confused. Almost in shock.

I know why Oz does, believe me. And Xander, too, to an extent.

Willow's sort of drifted away from the group, and who can blame her? She has Spike, why would she need to be around two people who so obviously want her love interest in a pile of ashes at their feet?

Yes, two. I don't want him dead. It'd break her heart, I think. Much as I despise him, and her, to a certain point. She has no idea what she let go.

And I feel guilty, watching these two people I care about a lot fall to pieces. We've all lost someone we loved, whether to a stupid accident or by our own choice. Or their own choice.

And it hurts. But the fact I knew, that I could have told Oz and maybe spared him some heartache and heartbreak...that makes me feel awful. And dirty, too.

He almost worshipped the ground she walked on. And Xander...he'd have done anything for her, anything at all. And she knows it.

Sometimes I wonder why I feel so guilty having kept it a secret. Then I remember someone else felt pain, not her. I don't think.

We don't talk so much anymore. She spends her days in class and her nights out with him. We spend our days in school and our nights fighting. Demons, vampires, feelings that won't go away.

Right now, I know why I feel guilty. When I look at their faces, of these two people who put their lives on the line to help me do something I am the Chosen One for, I know why.

I helped her hurt them.