Diversionary Strike
TOS Challenge Category
Summary: An answer to the question "Why does Captain Kirk have two different uniform styles, when everyone else just has one?" This story is a response to the Barbarossa/Rocky uniform challenge.
Diversionary Strike
Scotty barreled through the sickbay doors, looking stressed.
"Doctor, may I have a bit of your time?"
McCoy put down the lab instrument he was working with. "Sure, Scotty,
what's up?"
Scott hesitated. McCoy gestured for him to continue, and said "Scotty, you
know your privacy is safe with me...."
"It's not me. It's the captain."
"Oh?" McCoy raised an eyebrow. He wasn't aware of anything unusual going
on with Captain Kirk.
"This morning he asked one of my technicians to re-check his clothing
replicator. Washburn has checked it three times now, and there's nothing
wrong with the bloody thing!"
McCoy suddenly knew where this was going. "I see. And what does Jim say is
wrong with the replicator?"
Scotty looked pained. "The lad claims the sizing function is off, and that
his uniforms are coming out smaller than they used to."
McCoy grimaced, as Scott continued. "He hasn't exactly chewed out Washburn,
but you know how he gets when he has to ask for something more than once.
And poor Washburn doesn't know what to say. If it continues, the captain
really will yell at him, and the poor boy doesn't deserve it."
He paused, and looked directly at McCoy. "Leonard, I think we both know
this problem belongs in your department rather than mine."
McCoy stared at him. "You're right, Scotty, I've been meaning to talk to
him about it for a while now. Hide Washburn away from him for a couple of
days, will ya? Until I can haul Jim down here."
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Eventually, he got Kirk down to sickbay. "Yes Bones, what can I do for
you?"
"Come on over here, Captain"
Kirk followed with a puzzled frown. "Bones, I'm kind of busy. What's up?"
"Step on the scale, Jim."
"It would really help if you told me what is going on..."
"Just humor me, will ya, Jim? Now get on the scale!"
Kirk complied, and they both stared at the results for a moment.
..........
"Say, Bones, you really need to recalibrate this thing."
McCoy rolled his eyes. "Jim, it's calibrated perfectly."
"Impossible!"
McCoy pulled him off the scale, put an arm on his shoulder, and led him over
to his desk. He turned towards him, looked him in the eye, and said, very
clearly, "Captain. You're Fat."
"I'm sorry, Bones, but that's just not possible. I work out, I - wait, look
here." Kirk pulled off his shirt and flexed a nicely muscled arm. He
grabbed McCoy's hand and poked his finger at a bulging muscle. "See? See?
I'm in the gym all the time! This is a brand new muscle, I just discovered
it this morning.."
McCoy cocked his head at that. "Um, do you normally search yourself for new
muscles?"
"Absolutely. I stand in front of the mirror naked every morning. This one's new!"
"Just to clarify, Jim, you stand in front of the mirror naked every morning
to see if you can find new muscles?"
"Doesn't everyone?"
McCoy took a moment to absorb that information, then plunged ahead. "Well,
then you should be able to see that your *arm* isn't really the problem
area. Haven't you noticed any, well, change, or.." McCoy trod delicately
here "..maybe even degradation in your appearance?"
At Kirk's blank stare, McCoy decided to change tactics. "Jim, Scotty told
me you've been complaining about the replicator -"
"Well, it's putting out uniforms that are too damn small. Look, my shirt
barely covers my belly button!" Kirk pulled on his shirt to demonstrate.
"It's getting annoying, too, I've asked Washburn to fix it three times now."
"Has it occurred to you that maybe the replicator isn't the problem here?"
Kirk threw him a disgusted look. "Oh, all of a sudden at age 34 I'm getting
taller?"
It was everything McCoy could do not to shake him. "No. You're not getting
taller. You're getting WIDER."
"Bones, I'm exercising as much as ever and not eating any more than I
usually do..."
"Jim, we've had this conversation before. As people get into their
mid-thirties, their metabolism changes, slows down a little. You can eat
the same amount and exercise the same amount as you always did, and still
gain weight."
"But -"
"No buts. And it's not true that you're eating habits are the same as
always. I know Janice will make a great officer, but recommending her for
Officer Candidate School was a terrible thing for you personally. You
couldn't bully or charm her into overriding my dietary restrictions on your
meal card. But that's what you've done to Ross and every yeoman since -"
"I never bully my yeomen. I simply clarify their responsibilities, which,
I might add, is my duty as their commanding-"
A terrible suspicion hit McCoy. "Jim, you didn't send Rand to OCS just so
you could cheat on your diet, did you?"
Kirk looked genuinely hurt. "Bones. I would never do that."
Mollified, McCoy continued. "And what about that time Uhura brought a big
box of chocolates to the bridge? You telling me that you planned that
evacuation drill in advance?"
"My crew needs to be prepared for any contingency..."
"Yes, but when she came back they were all gone. And *you* were the last
person on the bridge."
"I'm supposed to be! Captain, Last man on board, sound familiar??"
McCoy's patience was gone. "Captain. You are avoiding this issue. In
doing so, you are impacting your physical readiness and your ability to
command..."
Kirk snapped "That's enough, Doctor. That is absolutely untrue. The day
before yesterday I defeated three security officers, one right after
another, in hand-to-hand combat workouts-"
"Jim, has it ever occurred to you that maybe they're letting you win because
you're the captain?"
Kirk's expression grew dangerous. "No. Absolutely Not."
McCoy shook his head to clear it and help him get back on track. "Captain,
this is not a request. You have a problem, and we are going to address it
whether you want to or not...." Then he started laying out exactly what he
expected of the captain, who at least listened, even if it was in a resigned
manner.
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In the meantime, Scotty attacked the problem from another angle. He
instructed Washburn to set the replicator to issue only the green,
wrap-around, thankfully *adjustable* tunics and tell the captain to use
those "until we can find the problem." Which was not, technically, a lie,
since they hadn't found a problem yet.
And then Scotty enlisted a little help from a friend.
The next day, Uhura ran into the captain in the hallway as they were both
heading to the turbolift. He was wearing the green tunic.
"Good morning, Captain."
"Lieutenant" Kirk replied amiably.
"Sir, I've never seen you wear that uniform before. Is it a new design?"
"No, it's been around for a while. But my replicator's on the fritz
so...well, it's a long story..."
"Well, if I'm not out of line by saying so, sir, it really looks nice on
you. Do you know, I've never noticed your eyes have a wonderful hint of
green in them? I guess that uniform brings out the color."
Kirk positively beamed. "Thank you, Uhura"
"And you have nice broad shoulders too, and it seems to accentuate them."
Uhura stopped, wondering if she had crossed over the line with that comment.
Judging from the expression on Kirk's face, she had not.
As the lift stopped and Uhura followed Kirk out onto the bridge, she paused
and gave Scotty a big smile. She liked Washburn. And the captain really
did look very nice in that green uniform.
Scotty smiled in return, and silently congratulated himself. Kirk might be
the tactical genius of the ship, but this canny Scotsman was no slouch
himself in diversionary strikes. Kirk wouldn't want a gold uniform for
months.
By which time, McCoy had sworn, the real problem would be solved, come hell,
high water, or delusional captains.
FINIS