Oh Yeah?
TOS Challenge Category
Summary: This story is a response to Jungle Kitty's
competition challenge. It takes place before
"The Ultimate Computer",
and the war games
referred to in this story have nothing to do with the ones in that
episode. Also, I've borrowed the format from the marvelous
"Birthday
Bother" by Coral Leane.
Oh Yeah?
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Proper officer bearing
Time: 2030 hours
Jim,
I just finished the reports from you and your officers regarding the events
in the "parallel universe" aboard the ISS Enterprise. Since I've been
appointed to lead the investigation into that occurrence, I thought I would
bring something to your attention that, while not worthy of inclusion in an
official report, "rubbed me the wrong way", if you will.
In Lt. Uhura's report, she detailed her "Captain, I'm frightened" statement
in sickbay. Granted the circumstances were extraordinary, but her comment
hardly strikes me as the response of a professionally trained, competent
officer. I'm not trying to step on your toes here - she's your officer,
after all - but perhaps it would be appropriate to review proper officer
bearing with her before too much time has elapsed.
Sincerely,
Bob
--------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Nosey Commodores
Time: 2100 hours
Bob,
Thanks for acknowledging that Lt. Uhura is indeed assigned to me.
I'm attaching a copy of Nyota Uhura's service record, along with a copy of
the commendation I submitted for her regarding her actions on the ISS
Enterprise. If this is how a frightened officer acts, then I wish HQ would
send me a dozen more.
Frankly, Bob, I'm amazed nobody on the Lex has ever admitted to you that
they were scared. If I had you for a CO, I'd be frightened, well, pretty
much all the time.
Your slightly sarcastic friend,
Jim
------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2110 hours
Jim, I remind you that you are addressing a superior officer.
Sincerely,
Commodore Robert Wesley
Commander, USS Lexington
------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2115 hours
I'm addressing a senior officer. For now. Don't worry, when I get
promoted to Admiral, I'll bring you along. Every Admiral needs a good
CoffeeBoy.
Love,
Jim
---------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2130 hours
Jim,
Oh really? Let's compare our latest efficiency ratings, shall we?
Ahem, 99.5 percent. Read it and weep, Jimmy boy.
Sincerely,
Bob
------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2140 hours
Tell me, Bob, does Komack's dick really taste like a strawberry lollipop?
Sincerely,
Jim
-------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2145 hours
Dear Godson-to-Robert-April and Lord-Knows-What to "Uncle Hochi" Nogura,
Don't even think about accusing me of sucking up. Some of us actually get
by on our own merit, you know.
Your higher-ranking-and-superior-in-every-way-fellow-officer,
Bob
------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2200 hours
Bob, three words:
Medal of Honor
Plus, I have many more shiny pieces of metal and colorful ribbons in my
collection. None of which, I might add, were submitted, endorsed, or
authorized by R. April or H. Nogura.
Your valorous (and handsome, too) colleague,
James T. Kirk
-------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2210 hours
Jim,
Perhaps some of us are a bit more proactive about solving problems before
they get to the crisis point? Thus, we don't need the bravery because we've
already used the brains.
Bob
------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2215 hours
Bob,
You are absolutely right. People like you are desperately needed. Why don't you apply for the Diplomatic Corps?
Apropos to nothing, I am offering you my services as task force Tactical
Officer for the next war games. Based on what I saw last time, you could
use the help.
Sincerely,
Captain James. T. Kirk
Commander of the gallant, graceful, and undefeated USS Enterprise
-------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2220 hours
Jim,
It's good to see you so confident that you could win the war games by
yourself, without a Vulcan First Officer telling you what to do. I'm glad
to hear that all the rumors of who-carries-whom are just that.
Sincerely,
Bob
--------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2230 hours
Bob,
I sense some jealousy here. Some of us are secure enough to surround
ourselves with the best possible people..including, I might add, Lt.
Uhura..without being threatened by them.
For the record, my Exec is far more intelligent than yours. And, he can do
this truly amazing neck pinch thing, too.
Jim
-------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2235 hours
Jim,
You're a little defensive.
Bob
--------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2240 hours
Bob,
I'm not a little anything.
Ahem, 9". Under working conditions, of course. And nice circumference,
too. Let your wife read it and weep.
Sincerely,
Jim
-------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Oh yeah?
Time: 2245 hours
Well, as long as you're bringing my wife into this, at least the mother of
my son didn't stand me up at the altar.
-------------------LONG wait for response---------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: [None}
Time: 0130 hours
Dear Commodore Wesley,
In the future, please restrain your use of official Starfleet communications
channels to Fleet related business.
Your *former* friend,
Captain James T. Kirk
Commander, USS Enterprise
-------------------------
From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: [None]
Time: 0630 hours
Jim,
Nice try, but you can't hold a grudge to save your life. It's probably your
only redeeming quality, so nurture it.
But, I do apologize for my previous thoughtless communication. Please
forgive me.
Love,
Bob
PS - I reviewed her record, and you're right about Uhura...
--------------------------
From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: [None]
Time: 0650 hours
Bob, I got a little out of hand as well. Sorry. I appreciate your concern
about Uhura, and thanks for giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Your friend,
Jim
FINIS