Oh Yeah?


TOS Challenge Category

 

Summary:  This story is a response to Jungle Kitty's competition challenge.  It takes place before "The Ultimate Computer", and the war games referred to in this story have nothing to do with the ones in that episode. Also, I've borrowed the format from the marvelous "Birthday Bother" by Coral Leane.


Oh Yeah?


From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Proper officer bearing
Time: 2030 hours


Jim,

I just finished the reports from you and your officers regarding the events in the "parallel universe" aboard the ISS Enterprise. Since I've been appointed to lead the investigation into that occurrence, I thought I would bring something to your attention that, while not worthy of inclusion in an official report, "rubbed me the wrong way", if you will.

In Lt. Uhura's report, she detailed her "Captain, I'm frightened" statement in sickbay. Granted the circumstances were extraordinary, but her comment hardly strikes me as the response of a professionally trained, competent officer. I'm not trying to step on your toes here - she's your officer, after all - but perhaps it would be appropriate to review proper officer bearing with her before too much time has elapsed.


Sincerely,
Bob


--------------------------


From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Nosey Commodores
Time: 2100 hours


Bob,

Thanks for acknowledging that Lt. Uhura is indeed assigned to me.

I'm attaching a copy of Nyota Uhura's service record, along with a copy of the commendation I submitted for her regarding her actions on the ISS Enterprise. If this is how a frightened officer acts, then I wish HQ would send me a dozen more.

Frankly, Bob, I'm amazed nobody on the Lex has ever admitted to you that they were scared. If I had you for a CO, I'd be frightened, well, pretty much all the time.


Your slightly sarcastic friend,
Jim


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From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2110 hours


Jim, I remind you that you are addressing a superior officer.


Sincerely,
Commodore Robert Wesley
Commander, USS Lexington


------------------------


From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2115 hours


I'm addressing a senior officer. For now. Don't worry, when I get promoted to Admiral, I'll bring you along. Every Admiral needs a good CoffeeBoy.


Love,
Jim


---------------------------


From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2130 hours


Jim,

Oh really? Let's compare our latest efficiency ratings, shall we? Ahem, 99.5 percent. Read it and weep, Jimmy boy.

Sincerely,
Bob


------------------------


From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2140 hours


Tell me, Bob, does Komack's dick really taste like a strawberry lollipop?


Sincerely,
Jim


-------------------------


From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2145 hours


Dear Godson-to-Robert-April and Lord-Knows-What to "Uncle Hochi" Nogura,

Don't even think about accusing me of sucking up. Some of us actually get by on our own merit, you know.


Your higher-ranking-and-superior-in­-every-way-fellow-officer,
Bob


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From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2200 hours


Bob, three words:

Medal of Honor

Plus, I have many more shiny pieces of metal and colorful ribbons in my collection. None of which, I might add, were submitted, endorsed, or authorized by R. April or H. Nogura.


Your valorous (and handsome, too) colleague,
James T. Kirk


-------------------------


From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Insolent Captains
Time: 2210 hours


Jim,

Perhaps some of us are a bit more proactive about solving problems before they get to the crisis point? Thus, we don't need the bravery because we've already used the brains.


Bob


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From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2215 hours


Bob,


You are absolutely right. People like you are desperately needed. Why don't you apply for the Diplomatic Corps?

Apropos to nothing, I am offering you my services as task force Tactical Officer for the next war games. Based on what I saw last time, you could use the help.


Sincerely,
Captain James. T. Kirk
Commander of the gallant, graceful, and undefeated USS Enterprise


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From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2220 hours


Jim,

It's good to see you so confident that you could win the war games by yourself, without a Vulcan First Officer telling you what to do. I'm glad to hear that all the rumors of who-carries-whom are just that.


Sincerely,
Bob


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From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2230 hours


Bob,

I sense some jealousy here. Some of us are secure enough to surround ourselves with the best possible people..including, I might add, Lt. Uhura..without being threatened by them.

For the record, my Exec is far more intelligent than yours. And, he can do this truly amazing neck pinch thing, too.


Jim


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From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2235 hours


Jim,

You're a little defensive.


Bob


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From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: Career Alternatives
Time: 2240 hours


Bob,

I'm not a little anything. Ahem, 9". Under working conditions, of course. And nice circumference, too. Let your wife read it and weep.


Sincerely,
Jim


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From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: Oh yeah?
Time: 2245 hours


Well, as long as you're bringing my wife into this, at least the mother of my son didn't stand me up at the altar.


-------------------LONG wait for response---------------------


From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: [None}
Time: 0130 hours


Dear Commodore Wesley,

In the future, please restrain your use of official Starfleet communications channels to Fleet related business.


Your *former* friend,
Captain James T. Kirk
Commander, USS Enterprise


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From: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
To: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Subject: [None]
Time: 0630 hours


Jim,

Nice try, but you can't hold a grudge to save your life. It's probably your only redeeming quality, so nurture it.
But, I do apologize for my previous thoughtless communication. Please forgive me.


Love,
Bob

PS - I reviewed her record, and you're right about Uhura...


--------------------------


From: Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
To: Commodore Robert Wesley, USS Lexington
Subject: [None]
Time: 0650 hours


Bob, I got a little out of hand as well. Sorry. I appreciate your concern about Uhura, and thanks for giving her the benefit of the doubt.


Your friend,
Jim


FINIS

 




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