SHORT SUMMARY: Read the title, please.

FROM AUTHOR:  Another remake of the unfinished story that I'd written a year ago. It's the second time I go crazy like that (the first time is 'What Have You Done?!'). I love writing stories that have some sense, but sometimes I get this fit to be insane. Hope you like me like that! :) 
May K. Lunnaya  P.S. Actually, this is the remake of the remake of the story (in short, the re-remake) that I'd composed two years ago… for my parents, and the characters were my family and I. ^_^

DEDICATION:  To my parents.

If Your Daughter Says There's No Santa…®
"Shingo, dear, sonny, so what do you want for Christmas?"

"Mom. When I eat, I don't speak."

"But sonny!! I'd just wanted to know what do you want Santa Claus to bring you this year!"

"MOM. There is no Santa."

"Huuuuuuuh!!!" 

Mrs. Tsukino leaned over the table.  "Chibi-Usa! Sweetie! Please, tell your cousin that even though he is ten, he has no right to not believe in Santa; it's absolutely not normal! Besides, that is sacrilege upon the long-respected and believed in tradition!!"

"Auntie. THERE'S NO SANTA."

"Aaauugghhh!!!!!"

"Oh, Usagi, my dearest, beloved daughter! Your little, five-year-old cousin and your brother don't believe in Santa Claus!"

Usagi managed to punch the red button to pause her Nintendo 64 game. "And what do I have to do with this?"

"You're fourteen years old and should be more responsible toward your small relatives, so…" A stack of yens was shoved into Usagi's hand. "Rent a Santa! Let them see some real Christmas magic! DUH."

But then Usagi's face beamed…

"That's the most idiotic, stupidest, and pointless idea I've ever heard in my entire life!" Rei scowled from beneath her eyebrows at the inspired Usagi, who was encouragingly waving the pile of yens around. 

"Rei! How dare you! It's the greatest idea ever!! How can you be so selfish?! My daughter is only five years old and doesn't believe in Santa!!!!"

Ami raised her finger. "She is not your offspring yet, Usagi-chan; she cannot physically be. However, in approximately one thousand and two years she will."

"But she's traveled all the way up here… I mean, down here… I mean, whatever… to the past for me to teach her all the good things, and I'm responsible for her, since I'm her mother and all, and…"

Makoto reached out to touch Usagi's forehead. "Usagi, feeling well?" 

Usagi jerked away, offended. "ANYWAY, so what do you guys think?"

"I think that's GLAMOROUS!!! Guess what!? I know this great sleigh-renting shop in the suburb!!!! We'll need to rent a sleigh, ya know?"

Usagi and Minako slapped a hive five, grinning.

It was a cloudless, peaceful, serene, and starry Christmas Eve.

A small sleigh-renting shop was nestled deep in the middle of silent woods covered with snow. On the shop's wooden side was painted in big, bright, and bold red letters: 'RENT OUR SLEIGHS AND SAVE 10%!'

Santa Claus… No; it was Usagi… No. It was Santa-Usagi-Claus… NO. Actually, it was Usagi dressed in Santa's clothes. So, Santa-Usagi-Claus stepped out onto the freshly snowed front porch and breathed in the frosty, bracing air.

At the same moment, fierce wing picked up, sooty clouds swarmed over the heavens, and snow dropped down from the sky.

Santa-Usagi-Claus exhaled noisily. "Bad weather for flying," she remarked wisely and turned around, expertly cracking her whip. "Hey, reindeers! Time to get going!"

"Easy for ya to say! You don't have to carry a fat fool around!" Rudolph the reindeer… meaning, red-nosed Rei… meaning, red-nosed Rei wearing a black deer coat, complete with hooves and antlers - in short, Rei-the-reindeer - came out after Santa-Usagi-Claus, jerking her zipper up and down. "Darn this thing…"

"But my body is not created for moving about on all four limbs! My carcass will undoubtedly receive traumatic cracks of this harness!" The white deer… meaning, Ami-the-reindeer exited the sleigh-renting shop, tying up her antlers.

"Don't you worry!" Makoto, the brown reindeer gave Ami-the-reindeer a good 'friendly' pat at the shoulder, causing her comrade to get planted in a snowdrift. "We'll make sure to find a GOOD vet for ya!"

"Oh, my GOD! Just look at my suit!! It clashes perfectly with my hair!!! Don't you think?? What a fur, what a coat!!.. And my antlers! They're SO fuzzy and CUTE!!!!" A reindeer outfitted in a khaki hide, also known as Minako, popped out the doorway, squealing with deafening delight.

"DUH."

Thus, Rei-the-reindeer ("Get your butt off me!"), Ami-the-reindeer ("Ow!! My lower EXTENSIVES!.."), Makoto-the-reindeer ("Stop clinging to me or I'll smack your face with my heavy hoof!"), Minako-the-reindeer ("Look at my shadow!! Just LOOK at my beautiful golden eye shadow!!! It's RUINED!!!!!"), and Santa-Usagi-Claus ("Stop poking your antlers into my butt, you!!") towed themselves up onto the shop's roof, where a sparkling, new sleigh was awaiting them.

Grunting, Santa-Usagi-Claus managed to haul herself at the seat and sprawl in there.

"Now, now, good boys - I mean, uh… girls!"

"Are you SURE you'll make this sleigh fly?" Rei-the-reindeer asked suspiciously while harnessing herself in. 

"Yep!" replied Santa-Usagi-Claus as Silver Crystal became visible between her hands. "With this powerful, magic thingie in my personal possession, I'll make us fly in no time. Trust me!"

"Trust you, yeah?" Rei-the-reindeer shook her antlers sarcastically. "I don't trust girls who dress up in fat, old males." 

And they tore off to the roof's edge, dragging the sleigh along…

Next second, Rei-the-reindeer stuck her head out of the snowdrift under the roof and shot daggers through Santa-Usagi-Claus, still sitting in the sleigh with Silver Crystal in her 'all-powerful' possession.

Rudolph… meaning, Rei spat out some snow. "Flying in no time, yeah?"

Santa-Usagi-Claus giggled nervously. "Somehow this thing didn't switch on. Sorry!"

The black reindeer snorted. "Why do we have to convince a five-year-old gal that there is Santa Claus, reindeers, and stuff if we never saw any of these in the first place, may I ask?!"

"But what about her childhood?" Ami-the-reindeer inquired softly.

"We must show my daughter the magic of this special day! We must never let her witness the evil of this savage world, for she is only an innocent child!!"

"Um… Forgive me if I'm wrong…" Makoto-the-reindeer shook some snow off her antlers. "But wasn't it Chibi-Usa who was a spiteful, gloating, fiendish, demoniac, satanic, malicious viper who had possessed your beloved Mamo-chan?.."

"That's beside the point. That was BEFORE I found out she was my daughter - blood from my blood, flesh from my flesh, and so on!"

"DUH," remarked Rudolph.

Upon arriving in downtown Tokyo, Santa-Usagi-Claus instantly spotted Mamoru's building among the others and smiled at herself gleefully in pleasurable anticipation of stupefying her newly regained boyfriend on this exceptional occasion.

They were flying closer and closer…

"Hey, Santa!" Rudolph the reindeer barked over her shoulder. "Where ya heading to?!"

"I just want to see…"

A red-haired girl and Mamoru. In the window. Face to face. Mere inches between them. Talking.

"HEY!!! WHAT'RE YOU DOING!!!! WE'LL CRASH INTO THAT BUILDING - "

Unazuki, the sister of Mamoru's best friend Motoki, who had just come in for some help on an Algebra problem, and Mamoru, who has been explaining it to her, heard the sound of something, which had come into a violent contact with the side of the building.

They both ran out to the balcony to witness…

"You know, Santa Claus had fallen quite a number of times this year," Unazuki commentated.  

"Actually, this is the first time I see him. So he really does exist!"

Unazuki nodded thoughtfully…

Finally, with great deprivations and hardships, the sleigh along with its cargo arrived to its place of destination - Tsukino household.

During the fly-up, Rudolph turned to Santa Claus.

"'Kay, now use some cannon or fireworks to wake up that damn kid, 'cause I wanna sit down!"

"Oh, I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!" shrieked the khaki deer. "WE CAN USE OUR HARNESS BELLS!!!!! Oh, that's SO COOL!! We're JUST like the real reindeers!!!!"

"Yeah, right," agreed Santa. "You just have to wriggle and jerk around for the bells to jiggle while I'll be flying before her window!"

"DUH," said Rudolph.

She is deeply kissing with him, the violet-eyed, pink-haired guy… him, with his lips being absolutely irresistible, his hands moving to -

Bells jiggled.

Ropes with bells attached to them bounded the guy, and he started jerking and wriggling around like crazy, and above him rose a demon shaped like a Christmas bell, laughing maniacally…

Chibi-Usa woke up with cold sweat streaming down her. Relax, it's just a dream…

Bells jiggled outside her window, and a dark shadow flew past it.

Chibi-Usa darted out of her bed and pressed her nose up to the glass…

Strangely squiggling and twisting reindeers staggered from left to right before her in the air, dragging a big bouncing sleigh along with a fat, red-robed Santa, who was convulsively clenching the bag with presents to not fall out.

Chibi-Usa pinched herself. 

Ouch.

Fidgeting and twitching reindeers with a jouncing sleigh swayed in the breeze from right to left…

Chibi-Usa plunged into the heap of clothing in a corner, raked out her dear Luna-P, hugged it to her chest, it transformed into a thermometer, she stuck it into her mouth, bolted to her drawers to take out the first-aid kit, took out an Aspirin, threw it into the glass of water, and ran back to the window.

The pill hissed in the water, dissolving.

Her heart was throbbing in her temples.

Waltz-dancing reindeers zigzagged before her eyes…

Chibi-Usa spat out the thermometer, put the glass at the nightstand, tossed a bathrobe on, and scurried down the stairs to the living room, muttering on the way, "Just gotta relax… It's absolutely nothing… Just your imagination… Just gotta play something to relax…"

She hooked up the TV and planted herself before it with a Nintendo 64 controller.

"Your daughter's the exact copy of you!"

"What do you mean?"

"If a cannonball flies above her head, and the cannon's at her headboard, then MAYBE she'll wake up."

"Stop insulting me!!"

"Time to park, Santa!!!"

…Chibi-Usa suspiciously examined the Rumble Pak plugged into the controller after the enormous THUD shook the walls of the house…

"I meant to PARK, not to crash the house down!!"

"Oh, well."

"I CHIPPED MY NAIL!!! MY BEAUTIFUL, GOLDEN-POLISHED NAIL!!!!!"

"You mean your HOOF?"

"Waaah!.."

Rei-the-Rudolph cheerfully patted Usagi-Claus's shoulder. "Well, now's the most interesting part!"

Minako-the-reindeer managed to tear her attention off the chipped nail (or hoof).  "Like…?"

With a sour expression, Ami checked her antlers.  "But that is peremptorily unattainable, girls."

The chestnut reindeer carefully inquired, "WHAT?"

"Why, of course it is… whatever you meant, Ami… Santa Claus must deliver presents via the chimney!"

Before them was the chimney hole. About five inches wide.

Rudolph giggled sadistically…

The white reindeer stretched its hoof thoughtfully.  "The size of Santa's hips is eighty-five centimeters, which makes the diameter of her hips… 2 pi r… So we have eighty-five divided by pi… which equals… approximately 27.05634033 centimeters! Oh, but we had disremembered the fact that hips represent not an accurate circle, but an oval, hence we must use the different formula to solve this particular problem, which is…"

"MEANING SHE WON'T GET INTO THE CHIMNEY, RIGHT!!!!!"

"Absolutely."

"Thanks for the info, Ami."

"I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA, OOOH, IT'S THE MOST *COOLEST* IDEA EVER!!!!!"  Minako reached into the sack with the shipment and gleefully retrieved a bottle of…

"Body lotion?!" 

"FANTASTIC IDEA, ISN'T IT????"

"DUH," said Rudolph.

"Wait, maybe she WILL get into it! Let's try!"

And Makoto-the-Chestnut grabbed Santa-Usagi around her hips, which represent not an accurate circle, and shoved her, yipping like a wild cat, face first down the chimney.  "Now, PUSH!"

…Yelps of undomesticated animal raced down the chimney.

Chibi-Usa hurled away the controller and yanked up the chimney poker…

"STOP PUSHING ME!!! PULL ME OUT!!!!!"

"Yup. She isn't getting through."  Makoto mindfully scratched her antler…

Rudolph's nose… meaning, eyes… gleamed, and she ripped the antlers off her head and with devilish pleasure written on her face, stabbed Santa Claus's butt with them.

…Primitive wailing picked up in the chimney. Bricks cannonaded down, and after them came some fat and dirty guy.

Clouds of ashes rose up.

"Who you?" Chibi-Usa uttered in a hoarse voice.

"Santa Claus, of course!" the guy said in a thin and girlie voice.

"Then why do you have a thin and girlie voice?" the pink-haired child asked.

The guy with a thin and girlie voice coughed a few times. "I've caught a cold," he continued in a thick and brutal voice.

Chibi-Usa's hands trembled, and the poker hit her foot. "So, really… OUCH… Santa Claus?" She winked a few times hopefully.

"HEY, YOU OKAY!!!" the howling sounded down the chimney.

Chibi-Usa got ready with the poker. "Who's there?!"

"Why, my reindeers!" Santa Claus reassured her in a thin and girlie voice.

"Reindeers don't talk," Chibi-Usa pointed out.

Santa Claus quickly recovered. "Why, they're magical." 

"HERE YOU GO!" shouted the reindeers, and next second Chibi-Usa was busy excavating Santa Claus out of the mountain of gift-wrapped boxes that flooded the room…

"I can't wait to finally get in bed… with you."

"Oh, honey!! This night was unbelievable!"

Big smooch.

"Why is the light on at our house?!"

"The BURGLARS?!"

Mr. and Mrs. Tsukino swung the door of their family nest open to reveal their pink-haired niece standing before the fireplace with some dirty, fat man.

"ROBBER!!!!!"

Mr. Tsukino snatched the burglar up by his collar and tossed him out the front door, sending him landing in the snow.

"What are you doing!!" Chibi-Usa screamed in horror. "That's Santa Claus!!!!"

Mrs. Tsukino shook her head. "I didn't think you were so silly, sweetie. There is NO Santa Claus; you said so numerous times! And here you are with that man! He came here to rob us, kill us, and…"

"What are all these boxes?" 

Everyone found themselves standing in a knee-length layer of small boxes…

"BOMBS!!!!!!!!!!!"

Uncle, aunt, and niece frantically stumbled out of their house.

The fat, dirty man with a thin and girlie voice was waving his hand to somebody. A huge sleigh was rammed off the roof. Four reindeers slumped down into the snow. The fat man climbed the sleigh. And they took off the ground, flying skyward…

Mrs. Tsukino tumbled down, unconscious.

"What was that noise all about?"

Chibi-Usa's cousin Shingo sleepily rubbed his eyes and witnessed the good-silhouetted against the white moon wriggling and writhing reindeers dragging along a sleigh with the big, fat man cracking the whip.

"Ho-ho- (Cough!) -ho…" came the thin and girlie voice.

THE END!

By May K. Lunnaya

Based on the characters created by Naoko Takeuchi.
This is a work of fiction. The characters*, incidents, and dialogues are products of the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. (Well, Mrs. Tsukino sort of like resembles my mother, if that counts…)
* - BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR MOON, characters, names, and all related indicia are trademarks of Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha Ltd., TOEI Anime Co., TV Asahi; English adaptation by DiC & Optimum Productions.
Copyright © December 1997/1999/2000/2001 by May K. Lunnaya. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. 
With comments and/or for information, contact May K. Lunnaya at sergek@co.ru. The author would greatly appreciate if the readers would mention the site where they had read this manuscript. Thanks for reading!!
NOTE: Look out for my next story to come, 'Why on Earth?' next month! I mean, next year. I mean, next century. I mean, next millennium!!! Whatever, actually. Anyway, this fiction is about Princess Serenity stealing Silver Crystal from her mother on the Moon and giving it to Queen Beryl. HE-HE. Interested? See ya next millennia!! And Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone! Wish me luck, please, for I'm going through a very hard period of my life.
NOTE #2: HO-HO-HO!!!

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