He looked at her, her hands shaking like a leaf as she tried to open the
envelope and take out the precious letter, there was a part of him that
wanted to put his hands on hers to calm them, or take the letter out of
her hands to open it himself. But he knew that either of the moves
that he had contemplated would not be wise. He could tell that she
had had too little contact with the male sex to feel the comfort of someone,
especially a man’s, touch on hers, and he also knew that she needed time
to accept that she was going to show him Asuka’s letter.
Finally, Ami gave him the thin sheets of paper that held Asuka’s last words,
she handed it to him wordlessly, Kendo took the letter with a small smile
and walked to the couches at the other end of the room to give her space.
Once he sat down, he studied Ami’s expressing, until she nodded, urging
and re-affirming his allowance to read the letter, he nodded slightly,
and started to read.
Dearest
Ami-chan,
Ohayo! I don’t know what to say, how do you say hello when you are
already dead, this is what I have been asking myself, many times over while
trying to write these final words to you. It feels strange that I
want to end it all, but here I am, writing something for you, to be read
after my death, as though I must speak and haunt you beyond the grave,
as though all the things I had done to you in life wasn’t enough.
You see, I don’t know what happened, but I know that you are in hospital
now, because of me, I know you didn’t just fall sick, I know you didn’t
just get abducted, it had to do with me. I don’t know, I don’t remember,
and I don’t want to remember, because somehow if you told me, if you confirmed
it, it be worse, a thousand times worse then all those ‘maybes’ that I
keep conjuring in my mind.
When I came to see you tonight, somehow, in my mind, I believed that if
we were to no longer be friends, if we had an argument, parting for both
of us would seem less painful, but when I left tonight, when I am sitting
here writing this letter, I know that I was wrong. I wish that I’d
known that this was how I’d feel, but time only goes forwards, no matter
how much I wished that I could correct the past, say farewell on better
terms, I can’t. I thought it out so well, that if I argued about
something, anything trivial, you’d hate me, and you wouldn’t feel sad,
but now that I am sitting here reflecting, I can’t help but think that
it was stupid of me. I’m so sorry for hurting you, for… using your
past wounds against you. I want to see you again, to apologize, but
I can’t, because I know that if I was to see you again, to hear you say
with your sincerity that I was sane, my determination to end it all would
waver, that I might be swayed to believe that I am not mentally ill.
Ami-chan, tonight, when you were trying to convince me that I wasn’t ill,
I had almost fell for it, when I looked into your eyes, they were so clear
and so pure, so sure that I wasn’t a crazy being, but then, I can’t help
but remember those ‘memories’ of me trying to kill you. I don’t know
if they were real, but if they were even figments of my imagination, it
is too much, I might not be epileptic because I might not have acted it
out, but there are hundreds of other mental illnesses that I am more prone
to having than other ‘normal’ people. The risk that one day, when
one of those illnesses take over my mind, and I act on that dream, or succeed
in the aim of that ‘memory’, is too great for me to take. I might
not even be able to regret then.
True, you had defended yourself in that ‘memory’, but what if the next
time you can’t? What if next time I win? I don’t want to find
out what would happen. Of course, there is the possibility that it
was a dream, but what kind of a sick man would imagine themselves killing
their best friend? Only the son of Nyoga Tsujimoto; now I understand
where the phrase, ‘like father like son’ comes from… the perfect metaphor
for Asuka Akiyama- Tsujimoto and his father. You have always known
that I was somewhat paranoid about my sanity, now you know why, yes Ami-chan,
this is the secret that I have been hiding from everyone, I am the son
of Nyoga Tsujimoto: the murderer, the schizophrenic that no medication
could control. I never wanted to tell you, I hoped to leave it behind
me, but the past catches up, it always has, and now, it will be no different,
that the past of my father haunts me.
The father, the crazed killer; the son, the crazed killer, an inescapable
circle of life and destiny. You’ve always believed that destiny
is what we make of it, that fate was never fixed, but imagine, even if
you worked just as hard as you are now, but you were born slower than others
instead of the immense intelligence that you have, you wouldn’t be the
Ami Mizuno you are today. Even if I controlled myself, took my medication,
I would be but in denial to say that I wasn’t crazy - no matter what, fate
is predestined. When I held that knife in my hand last night, I knew…
I knew that no matter how I tried to escape, my fate would catch me, and
drag me in line with what destiny has foretold, the only way I could escape
is by my own death…
Ami-chan, forgive me. I know how life is sacred to you, how much
you treasure it, perhaps it is a sin to kill oneself, but it is better
than killing others, you must understand that. Life is sacred, true,
but I would be selfish to hold my own life above others, I have no family,
few friends, there are few who would truly mourn for me… I know that this
is the only choice I have, the only way I save others. Forgive me
for ending it this way, forgive me for not saying goodbye properly, and
forgive me for having perhaps harmed you. I hope that you will understand
my reasons, and find it in your kind heart, the same kind heart that took
me in when I found myself friendless in a world where everyone wanted my
fame but not my person, to forgive me. I hope that when we will meet
again, we can still be friends, that you will be able to accept my past
as well as who I am. I wish for so many things Ami-chan, so many
things that I haven’t been able to do, but most of all, I wish for your
happiness. You have no idea how much it pained me to see you cry
tonight
when we were arguing… I wish that we had parted on better terms.
Promise me, Ami-chan, that you will smile again, that you will continue
to succeed in whatever way you apply yourself, that you will never give
up. Whether it is your skating, or your studies, promise me that
you will continue to win and keep smiling above it all. And maybe,
once in a while, when you stand on a podium, a pedestal, or on a stage
receiving an award for your work, think of me and smile. I might
live in a different world now, but it would mean so much to me if I could
still make you smile, if wherever I may be, be able to look down and see
that twinkle in your eye. Ami-chan, we’ve shared many happy memories,
let it stay that way, when you think of what we have been through together,
think of all the happiness, and if only you received half the joy that
you put into my life from knowing me, I know that you will be happy forever.
Don’t forget what we shared together, because I’ll never forget you.
“I… I see. Ami-san, I think he saw you as a gift, like an angel that
held the light into his life, that is the highest position anyone can hold
in someone’s life, there was nothing more you can do. You can’t blame
yourself for not being able to light all the tunnels in his life, you only
have one light; you lit as many tunnels as the light would permit.
As for this letter, I promise, it will stay between the two of us, no one
is going to know about it.”
“Arigato Doctor Daiki.”
“Remember what he asked of you, smile!” He said as cheerfully as
he could while swallowing the tears that had threatened to come to his
eyes as he had read of the life of a young boy constantly tortured by the
nightmares of his past. It seemed so unfair that a boy so young,
would have lived like that, worried by what could happen, when others of
his age lived their lives completely carefree, yet he somehow managed to
smile above it all. Kendo Daiki gave Ami a small smile and patted
her on the shoulder before depositing the letter back into her hands and
left.