From the Home Offices in Salem, U.S.A., here are The Top 10 Things Overheard at the Brady Pub Christmas Party:

10) "For the last time, yes Billie, your's look more natural than Hope's."

9) "Of Course Not Eric! There's no such thing as looking gay, but I would recommend easing up on the eyeliner."

8) "No one ever talks about it, but a couple of years ago she was desecrating religious statues, and burning churches, and now she's got the nerve to act like the Salem Saint . . . Possession my ass!"

7) "Uh oh! There's only one piece of pie left and both Sami and Nancy want it!"

6) "Damn it Austin, you're late again! I told you the party started when the BIG HAND was on the 12 and the LITTLE HAND was on the 8."

5) "Well, yeah, he did raise me and he took care of me when we thought our parents were dead and loves us with all his heart . . . But, what has he done for me lately?"

4) "He's our son and I love him, but if he asks me one more time when we're going to be a family again, it's off to Military school!"

3) "Oh no! Sean's going back for more baked beans . . . I guess it's the guestroom for you tonight, huh, Caroline?"

2) "Ali, let me tell ya, I used to feel the same way. Girl, I even left town because I loved him so much and then all of sudden, out of the blue, I became this lying schemer. It was like I was compelled by unseen forces to change from a spunky, good girl to deceptive manipulator. It just made no sense."

And the Number One thing overheard at the Brady Pub Christmas party is:

1) "So is that a mind control device in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"