From the Home Offices in Salem, U.S.A., these are the Top 10 Things Overheard at the Days of Our Lives Casting Office:

10) "You're going to be playing a supermodel, can you do something about that 'thing' in the middle of your forehead?"

9) "We're looking for someone with a fresh and exciting presence, a glowing inner beauty, a pleasant voice, but most importantly a gorgeous face . . . . Huh? What role are will you be playing? Oh yeah, a woman who walks around town with a tablecloth over her head and moans all the time."

8) "So I see you've appeared in several gay porno films. Did you win any awards for these performances? Were they challenging roles?"

7) "We prefer to call them breast enhancements . . . but, yes they are required."

6) "I see you did Shakespeare in London, Cats on Broadway; worked with DeNiro, Pacino, Streep, and Sarandon; and won two Oscars and an Emmy. That's nice and all, but have you ever appeared in anything with the kids from 'Saved By The Bell' or at least 'Moesha?'"

5) Well the job's not that hard. You'll only be required to do a couple of scenes with other actors each week. The other times you'll either be talking to yourself or flashing back to a scene where you're talking to yourself."

4) "I know the actress that's playing your daughter is only 3 years younger than you. And this is a problem . . . beeeecaaaaaauuuussseeee?????"

3) "Well you have no previous acting experience, but you do have the same first name as the character you'll be playing. Good enough for me. You're hired!"

2) Yeah Josh, we know you used to play Chris Kositchek, but the audience doesn't pay attention to that kind of stuff. They won't care. Half of them probably don't even remember who Wayne Northrop is."

And the number one thing overheard at the Days of Our Lives casting office is:

1) "I said Swamp, S-W-A-M-P Girl, not Tramp Girl!"