From the Home Offices in Salem, U.S.A., Here are the Top 10 Signs that Your Head Writer May be an Idiot:

10) With just a little foundation and blush, acid burns can "poof" be gone.

9) She doesn't understand why she hasn't received any Emmy nominations after such worthy storylines as "The Killing Pool," "John and Hope Do the Jungle," and "Nicole: Portrait of a White Trash Supermodel."

8) She almost quit when the producers killed her idea to put Caroline, Shawn, Maggie, and Mickey in a "Days" version of "I Know What You Did Last Summer."

7) When asked to name all of Tom and Alice's children she said, "Randy, Janet, LaToya, Michael, and Tito."

6) When she goes to fan events, she thinks that finger they're holding up means they think she's #1.

5) She finds the guy who plays Rolf "strangely erotic."

4) She gets upset when the other writers make fun of the way she pronounces "Franco."

3) She blames the guy the plays Abe for "Generations" being canceled.

2) She hates Deidre Hall because she bought a gold chain from Dee's Jewelry Collection that turned her neck green.

And the Number One sign that your head writer may be an idiot:

1) She thinks it's about time that Alice "got some."