Here's my handy dandy guide to staying out of trouble in Salem.

1) If you go to jail blame it on Stefano or drugs. You will almost always get off.

2) If you go to jail do not hire Mickey as your lawyer. You will always remain in jail.

3) Get on Stefano's good side ASAP. If you do, you can indulge in the joys of virtual reality goggles, fooling your friends with dingy lookalikes of yourself, and easy revenge on your rivals. If you tick Stefano off you run the risk of being brainwashed, locked in a cage, trapped in a secret room, having a mind control device implanted in your teeth, and artificially inseminated. Luckily there is still a chance that you could be one of Stefano's several long lost illegitimate children.

4) If you haven't seen someone in years, just mention them out of the blue and weeks later they will come to town looking for you. (Unfortunately, they will almost always be stalking you.)

5) Couples have trouble conceiving children in Salem. A good idea is to sleep around on your significant other. You will have more children than your nanny will know what do with. (Remember, raising children in Salem is socially unacceptable.)

6) If you can't afford a nanny send your children to Colorado for a couple years. They will come back as full grown teenagers. (A side effect is that they become very whiny and give you a lot of lip.)

7) Fortunately, time does not exist in Salem. Some people can stay the same age for years and date their next door neighbor who used to be five during their first year of being thirty.

8) Never compete with Marlena. She always wins.

9) Don't waste your time trying to kill Stefano. He's survived drowning, tunnel explosions, lightning storms, and terminal brain tumors, so nothing you throw at him will work.

10) Whatever you do, never ever under any circumstances be mean to Samantha Brady. If you do, you run the risk off being handcuffed naked to the scaffolding of a building, having your pecker blown off, being drugged and raped, getting falsely arrested for smacking your child, or being blackmailed.

11) If you can't find a job never fear. There are plenty of executive positions available at Titan Publishing -- no education needed. If that doesn't work you can always be a physical therapist with Taylor.

12) If you find out you have an identical twin or a lookalike, save yourself the trouble and kill him or her. If you don't, you run the risk of him or her taking over your identity and ordering horrible outfits for your wedding.

13) Everyone can be blackmailed.

14) Never ever talk to John Black. If you do you run the risk of getting pregnant.

15) Everywhere in the world is always fifteen minutes away from you.

16) Men in Salem are inherently stupid.

17) Women in Salem are either

A) very gullible
B) very whiny
C) very bitchy
OR
D) very weak willed