Anyone who is a fan of soap operas knows that when a show is doing well there is almost nothing better, but when it's bad it can make In the Army Now look like Saving Private Ryan. Take the case of General Hospital and Days of Our Lives. The difference between the two shows is like night and day. While General Hospital has soared in quality over the past few seasons and given actors like Stephen Nichols and Sarah Brown a chance to show their stuff, Days of Our Lives as a whole has collapsed faster than David Caruso's attempt at a movie career. Plus when you give bad material to even worse actors (Steve Wilder, Victor Alfieri, Jensen Ackles), the results are none too pleasing. Miss an episode of GH, you miss a lot -- key dialogue, little moments, body language, ad libs, etc. Miss and episode of Days, no need to worry -- an episode five months later will have the exact same characters repeating the exact same dialogue amid a plot that has yet to further develop while having pointless daydreams and history-rewriting flashbacks on a regular basis -- unless of course one of the characters gets recast, in which case everything the previous actor has said and done will be ignored as if it never even happened and you'll basically have a brand new character whose familiarity is in name only (think Mike Horton, Laura Horton, Jack Deveraux, Jennifer Horton, Billie Reed, Austin Reed, Roman Brady . . . you get the picture).

What it all comes down to with Days is its ridiculously pathetic writing. Even though it does have some outrageous storylines (Swamp Girl, demonic possession, mood-controlling chips implanted in teeth, lasering brains to erase specific memories, memory-controlling satellites in outer space, people faking their deaths on a regular basis, etc.) that would be horrible in any medium, that fact that the decent storylines with potential (Hope's past, Franco's past, Jack in prison, Sami's trial) are written just as poorly without direction or reason, and lead to uninspired and anti-climatic resolutions, is what keeps this show from achieving the glory and quality of its past. This is why their attempts at tackling serious issues (AIDS, child abuse, malpractice, alcoholism, the death penalty) comes across as offensive and ignorant.

Even worse than its plotting is the dialogue, which consists mainly of characters talking to themselves to 1) rehash the entire plot (if you can even call it a plot) several times each episode and 2) say exactly what they are thinking and plan on doing no matter how painfully obvious their actions are without any need for words. It's as if they're catering to an audience that is incapable of forming their own thoughts and has memory lapses during every single commercial break. What they're essentially doing is talking down to their viewers, whom they must think never made it past grade school. With shoddy writing like this and a total lack of direction, they might as well just film the cue cards for an hour and there wouldn't be any noticeable difference in what is conveyed on screen.

If you don't watch at least one of these soaps, then this will be neither funny nor interesting to you. But if you have some comprehension about both shows, then sit back and enjoy. In fact, you can apply Days of Our Lives' inferiority to any show you watch and come out ahead, showing just how bad this show truly is. Even writers for shows like Baywatch, Mortal Kombat, Night Man, and Police Academy would have to burst several dozen brain cells to write at such a low level.

For a closer examination of the difference in quality between both shows, imagine how General Hospital would be like if they had the writers and producers of Days of Our Lives. Some of these storylines used as examples have either already concluded or gone in a different direction than it originally appeared to be going, but their point is still very much valid and they more or less appear in chronological order.

1) Every time James (the Mac impersonator) has a conversation with his partner in crime Tess, he will ALWAYS say, "If anyone finds out I'm not really Mac Scorpio . . . ." More often than not, James will be on a cellular phone when he says it, loud enough for everyone near by to hear, but of course no one does.

2) At least once every episode, James would be caught saying something to Felicia that would give away his true identity, but after the commercial break Felicia would be completely oblivious to it all. Either Felicia will explain it away by saying it to be something completely off the mark, or James will make up something on the that is both stupid and unconvincingly conveyed, and Felicia will be quick to accept everything he said.

3) The fingerprint test that clearly shows James to be an impostor will be deemed inconclusive for no reason whatsoever, despite the number of weeks the "lab" spent analyzing it.

4) If Tess' plan as it was originally revealed is successful, meaning Jax is assassinated and Mac takes the fall, Mac and Felicia will STILL be puzzled as to what her master plan is and what it has to do with Mac. In fact, the place the two would most likely be asking one another what they think Tess is up to would be in prison during visiting hours.

5) Upon learning that Mac and Felicia were engaged, someone they know would have thrown them a surprise wedding, since couples just love it when they have no say whatsoever in planning their own wedding.

6) Every time ANYONE has a conversation with Robin, they will ALWAYS have to bring up her HIV, as if they have to remind her of the fact that she's infected with the virus.

7) When Robin hears second handedly that Jason was cheating on her and is the father of Carly's baby, she will immediately break up with Jason without even bothering to confront him about the accusations, let alone even tell him that she's breaking up with him. Basically she will jump to her own conclusions and treat them as if they were carved in stone, never to spend half a minute with Jason again, even though that's how long it would take to resolve EVERYTHING.

8) Because Robin knows the true parentage of Michael, EVERY conversation between her and Jason will include her saying, "The baby isn't yours and belongs with the real father -- AJ," regardless of whether or not the sentence is in context.

9) The ONLY dialogue Lucas would have would be him pining and whining about how he, Tony, and Bobbie should be a family again.

10) And speaking of children, forget ANY storylines involving Lucky, Liz, Nikolas, or Emily, since they would have been cast with incompetent young actors who should be delivering pizza instead of lines, and because giving them screen time would take away from the total time allowed for flashbacks and daydreams. Hell, the kid who played Lucas (Justin Cooper) has more credentials (Liar Liar, Dennis the Menace Strikes Again, Brother's Keeper) than most of the adults (Peter Reckell, Drake Hogestyn, Jaime Lyn Bauer) on Days do put together.

11) The initial Edward/Alan/Tony/AJ plot to take the baby away from Jason would take eight or nine months to materialize, instead of happening the very next show.

12) When Carly and Tony split, she wouldn't have maliciously taunted him by telling him the baby wasn't his just to hurt him, wouldn't have had Jason pretend to be the baby's father, and wouldn't have run off.

Instead, Carly would be crawling back to Tony on her hands and knees with tears in her eyes on a daily basis, pleading for him to take her back, that the baby was their bond that can't be broken, that he made a commitment to her which was set in stone, that a love like theirs doesn't ever go away, that he is her entire world and everything she did was out of her love for him. Since Tony won't take Carly back, she will break down, unable to go on with her life without her man, and contemplate suicide since women in Port Charles are completely dependent on their men and have no lives of their own.

13) It would take about ten years for people to discover that Jason isn't the father of Carly's baby, which would be just enough time for baby Michael to have graduated from law school and have rapidly aging children of his own.

14) The character of AJ would have been recast with an actor who isn't even old enough to drive.

15) EVERY show, Carly would say to herself, "The father of Michael is AJ, and he can never know." AJ would walk into the room at that moment and ask, "Can never know what?" After the commercial break, Carly would say, "You can't ever know that I drink Diet Coke just for the taste of it." AJ would respond, "Okay," and go about his business without a giving it a second thought.

16) It would have taken five years, not five episodes, to reveal that Tony was the kidnapper of Michael. Also, since he has obvious motive to do such a thing, no one would even suspect him.

17) Jason would not have done detective work to deduce that Tony was the one who kidnapped Michael and Robin. Rather, Tony would've been talking to himself on a daily basis about how his plan was working perfectly, that no one suspected a thing, and that there was no evidence to link him to the kidnapping. Tony will also be writing all of this in his diary, which Jason would conveniently come across.

18) When Jason rescues Robin and Michael from Tony's clutches, he breaks Tony's hand. The damage is permanent, and Tony is forced to give up his career as a neurosurgeon. If this were Salem, Tony could simply sell his soul (literally) to Stefano, who would then provide him with a new hand of his choice from his hand-growing tree, which only exists on earth because it's planted in dirt from Jupiter. (I know, Jupiter is a gaseous planet with no ground, but this is Days we're talking about here.) Rolf would then cut off Tony's damaged hand and put the new one on with magic staples.

19) Stefan would also not have treated Laura with spite and malice the way he had been at one time. Instead, since he is still in love with her, he will be obsessing over her every minute of every day, building shrines filled with photos of her, stalking her, planning on kidnapping her and taking her to his Paris underground dominion, plotting to behead Luke, etc.

20) There would be no talk involving shipments coming in "light" at the docks, ELQ takeovers, looking for modeling jobs, buying back stocks, how business is going at The Outback Club, dock renovations, unhappy unions, etc., because nobody on the show would be working. Work takes away from flashback and daydream time, remember?

21) Assuming the doctors actually do work, it wouldn't be one doctor per specialty. Instead, there would be one doctor who could perform any and all medical tasks. For example, neurosurgeon Tony would be delivering babies, performing open heart surgery, setting broken bones, reattaching decapitated heads, etc.

22) Taggert wouldn't even be on the show, but if he was, he would only have three or four lines every other month (think Marcus Hunter and Jonah Carver).

23) After Brenda split with Jax to go back to Sonny, Jax would've turned evil and started obsessing over Brenda, following her around and thinking that by kidnapping her she'll fall in love with him again. Sonny will catch Jax trying to kidnap Brenda, there will be a struggle in which Jax's gun goes off away from either of them, but the bullet will still somehow hit Jax and he will die, but not really die since his father will give him a Flintstone vitamin at the morgue which will bring him back to life without any vital signs. A few months later, Jax will come back to kidnap Brenda again get jungle fever along the way.

24) Remember that episode after Sonny stood Brenda up at their wedding where Brenda basically spent the whole show in mourning and having flashbacks of moments between her and Sonny? Well that's ALL Brenda would STILL be doing to this very day.

25) When Lucky had a crush on Sarah, his only storyline would have consisted of staring at her from afar with puppy dog eyes, having flashbacks of little moments the two shared that Sarah wouldn't even think twice about, and the numerous ways the two to constantly run into one another will be rather pathetic and extremely contrived. Also, his entire character history and development would be completely ignored and rewritten in order to serve and maintain the purpose of this plot.

26) Luke's dialogue to Lucky about Laura's rape would not have been contained to just one episode. Instead, Luke would get one or two lines in, the show would go to commercial break, he would then repeat the same lines, the show would go to commercial break, and on and on and on. This would last about four episodes and the dialogue would be completely superficial, but somehow both characters will gain a deep appreciation for the conversation and one another, which they will have completely forgotten all about by the next show.

27) Taggert will finally find the proof he needs to put Jason away for a long time, but will let Luke, Mike, AJ, Carly, Justus, Robin, Bobbie, Alexis, and everyone else in Port Charles play around with the evidence to the point where it becomes invalid.

28) Right before the character of Laura is to return to Port Charles, she will be killed off for no particular reason other than to fill the quota of bringing people back from the dead.

29) Laura and her mother won't return to Port Charles because they're a victim of the Cassadines, just like everyone else. Tony isn't responsible for kidnapping Michael and Robin because he's just a victim of the Cassadines, just like everyone else. Jason isn't responsible for damaging Tony's hand because he's a victim of the Cassadines, just like everyone else. Sonny left Port Charles because he's a victim of the Cassadines, just like everyone else. Whoever raped Liz isn't responsible for his actions because he's a victim of the Cassadines, just like everyone else. Carly isn't responsible for shooting Tony because he's a victim of the Cassadines, just like everyone else, etc. (This one got very repetitive, didn't it? Kinda like . . . Days of Our Lives dialogue.)

30) The way Audrey tries to act like Liz's rape never happened would still take place, but not because the character is specifically written that way, rather because the writers like to forget and ignore things anyway, and eventually Liz's rape will be written out as if it never happened.

31) After the ELQ jet crashed into the ocean, Brenda almost drowned and Jason had to rescue her, and that was that. However, it wouldn't have stopped there. Jason would have to save Brenda from drowning six or seven more times before the two were finally to be rescued, just because he's the man and she's the woman.

32) Sonny would not have returned to Port Charles the way he did, which was simply to knock on the door and have Jason answer it. Instead, we would be watching his shoes constantly as he followed around Brenda, Mike, Robin, or whoever, and this would last for a couple weeks before the anti-climatic shot of his face were to finally appear on the screen.

33) Assuming that the writers deal with Alan's pill addiction, he would simply proceed to blame anyone and everyone for being hooked on them, and they would all believe him without a second thought. He would then use their guilt trip to manipulate and use them.

34) After Katherine's death, the police would not have found the letter opener in Stefan's desk after searching his mansion with a fine tooth comb, even though it was in the drawer and clearly visible to see. However, several days afterward, any of a number of characters would go back to the place and find it right off the bat, then proceed to talk to himself/herself about finding it.

35) Also, Luke would have lasered the whole "plan to kill Helena but we got Katherine instead" from Alexis' memory in order to prevent the possibility of Alexis having an attack of conscience and confessing.

36) However, Katherine will show up alive and well. It turns out that Luke and Alexis actually killed her lookalike cousin instead, who coincidentally had the same blood type, DNA type, and fingerprints as Katherine. Katherine will forgive the two in the blink of an eye because it wasn't all that big of a deal that they killed her cousin since she had an illness and was going to die anyway.

37) The coincidental reunion between Sonny and Karen would never have happened, since her character has been recast, thus erasing their prior storylines from the history book.

38) Whenever Emily feels the pain in her neck from Alan's car crash, not only will the audience view a flashback of the whole incident, but Emily will summarize the whole thing by talking to herself about it.

39) Before Jax and Sonny are to escape from the burning/collapsing building, everyone will assume them to be dead and hold funeral services for them. Then and only then will they show up alive and well.

40) Mike would never be lamenting over Sonny's departure, since, after all, all Sonny is to Mike is his son. Ever seen Days? Just where exactly are Belle, Brady, Shawn D, Phillip, etc.?

41) That Friday cliffhanger where Alan was knocked unconscious and mugged? Didn't happen. It was one of Alan's many daydreams, and because he thought of that, he will be miraculously cured of his addiction at that instant without going through any of the withdrawal symptoms, and the storyline will never be brought up again.

42) If Bobbie really wants to keep Tony away from Lucas, she shouldn't have gotten the restraining order. Instead, she could just say that Tony hit Lucas, and Child Protective Services will have him instantly put in jail for live without there ever having been a trial, and without either talking to Tony about it or examining Lucas.

43) On GH, Jason heads off to Moreno's place and is absent for three segments because he hasn't gotten there yet. On Days, a flight to Paris or a car trip to New Orleans only takes one commercial break. In fact, eventually they'll start having characters drive from the USA to Europe and Australia.

44) Taggert would find the tape of Justus going off on how he bashed Damian Smith's brains in with a baseball bat to be uninformative. In fact, Taggert would say to himself, "I wonder what he means by that" and "If only I had something incriminating on Justus Ward."

45) Stefan's defense of "he didn't kill Katherine" would instead be replaced by Nikolas and Alexis pleading with Mac that because he was upset with Katherine, it is therefore all right that he murdered her.

46) Hey, look! Katherine is "back from the dead" and everyone is shocked. If this were Days, people would still be in shock even though this would've been the tenth time her death has been faked.

47) Compare the first kiss between Lucky and Liz with that of Mike and Carrie, how both storylines came to be, and the direction they've each gone since then. Enough said.

48) Boy, Liz must have horrible parents. They never call her, she never mentions them, they don't seem to care where she is or what she does . . . oh, wait. Never mind. This would be the same on Days, only her parents would still be in town and living in the same house.

49) The episode where Jax is still in shock over the death of Brenda and has flashbacks of their moments together throughout the show? Well, first of all, actual footage from previous shows would not have been used. Instead, there would be really cheesy and useless shots of fake flashbacks that never really happened, like Brenda eating beans from a can or a conversation between the two about how much they were loving their two year, four month, sixteen day anniversary.

Second, the number of flashbacks that was shown would actually have been a decrease from the amount of flashbacks shown daily anyway.

Third, rather than having been speechless and in deep thought in his moments alone, Jax instead would have expressed his grief by talking to himself and saying such dialogue as, "I can't believe Brenda is actually gone," "My life means nothing without Brenda, who is now dead," "Now that you're gone, Brenda, what am I going to do with my life?," "Brenda is dead and I must accept that fact," and "I feel such pain over your death, Brenda." In fact, all these lines would probably be used one right after the other in the same segment and then repeated again in the next segment.

50) Julia, upon deciding that Jax was to blame for Brenda's death, would instantly turn evil at the snap of a finger, plotting some extremely contrived and ludicrous ways to exact revenge on him.

51) Jason visiting Sonny to talk to him about Brenda's death? What would he do that for, since Sonny has long been off the show, and therefore never existed?

52) Helena would be continuously talking to herself about how her master plan is coming along perfectly, though the only progress of this so-called plan would consist of the number of times she mentions how perfectly it's coming along.

53) There wouldn't be any of this "Jax and the FBI trying to make a deal" or "Alexis as legal counsel," since the FBI has no real evidence on Jax, and therefore the courts would have no problem giving him a life sentence without the possibility of parole.

54) During a conversation between Stefan and Tony, it is implied that Tony's debt to Helena was paid by him being Katherine's doctor while Helena was holding her. On Days, it would have been spelled out clearly each and every episode, with really cheesy flashbacks of Tony overseeing Katherine in a secret room with cheap devices with random blinking lights, and constantly saying things to Helena like "It's much too dangerous" and "They can never find out the truth."

55) If Helena were found guilty of every crime she has committed and sentenced to life without the possibility of parole, she would be able to receive a full pardon if she saved a spotted owl.

56) On GH, Lucky hacks into a modeling agency's computers using a modem and computer program. On Days, Jack installs a program on the warden's computer which gives him access even though it's turned off and he has no modem or wire connection. On GH, when Lucky found out that the ex-model he was looking for was employed before the agency started using computers, he had to physically go to Manhattan and steal the file on her. Done Days style, all he would have had to do was put on a pair of virtual reality goggles that would enable him to see everything everywhere all of the time.

57) Jax plans on taking his $60,000 and turning it into millions by way of high stakes gambling. If he lived in Salem, all he would have to do is Xerox the money until he felt he had enough.

58) Liz tries to get an intern job at Downtown Faces via her high school. In Salem, she would suddenly stop going to school and become the CEO of Downdown Faces shortly afterward.

59) Lucky watches Nikolas dance with Liz for thirty seconds before cutting in -- end of story. Done in the fashion of Mike/Carrie/Austin, Nikolas would all of a sudden develop feelings for Liz, long after her from afar on a constant basis, and have a past history with her come out of nowhere. Lucky, upon seeing Nikolas and Liz dancing together, would instantly come to the conclusion that Liz is now in love with Nikolas, and become distant from her without ever talking to her about the dance. Viewers who find Nikolas and Liz to be cute together -- and who don't care about the show's characters and history -- wouldn't mind it one bit if Lucky was suddenly written contradictory to character so that there can be friction between him and Liz, which would lead her right into Nikolas' arms.

60) In continuing with Lucky/Liz/Nikolas, the only storyline that would involve all three of them would be a love triangle -- no ifs, ands, or buts, no how or why, but just because. Two characters of one sex and one character of the other always equals love triangles in Salem. There is no exception.

61) Faison fakes Lucky's death by burning the motorcycle shop down and leaving a body there to be burned. He then replaces Lucky's dental and DNA records with that of the corpse's. On Days, he would've "simply" altered the dead body's teeth and DNA to perfectly match Lucky's.

62) Faison returns to Port Charles but has to keep a low profile because he's a wanted criminal. But the better alternative would be for him to put on a fake mustache and thick glasses and no one would be able to recognize him. If were found out, he could hide behind a stop sign or read a newspaper really close to his face and the cops wouldn't be able to locate him.

63) It would take two hands to count the number of times per show Carly daydreams about a life with Jason.

64) There would've been no way Lucas could've caught Bobbie and Jerry in bed together because the bed would've been spinning round and round in outer space.

65) On GH, Jax catches Chloe talking to herself and makes a small quip about it to her. On Days, seeing a character carrying on a conversation with ANOTHER character would be considered funny.

66) Juan shows up in Port Charles penniless and homeless, and scrounges dumpsters and garbage cans for food. Despite having no skills or references, in Salem he could get an apartment without ever having to pay for it, and land the CEO job of his choice.

67) Mac hears the recent recording of a telephone call involving Faison and instantly recognizes the voice. On Days, his immediate response would be (word for word): "That voice sounds like Caesar Faison, but I know it can't be because Caesar Faison is dead and that means he isn't alive anymore. Being dead means not being alive."

68) Music groups like Boyzone and 98 Degrees play on GH and even have minor acting parts. Days is still trying to get those hot, young, hip artists -- Vanilla Ice and M.C. Hammer -- to appear on their show to make things more cool and appealing to today''s teens.

69) Whatever the big secret is that Hannah is hiding from Sonny, from the very first day she was on the show she would've been saying to herself, "No one must ever find out that ________." Despite giving it away from day one, this secret would be advertised as a great mystery that is supposed to be a surprise to you when Sonny finds out what she's hiding.

70) Sonny, Emily, Jason, Liz, Juan, Bobbie, Luke, Ned, Felicia, Mac, etc. have all been talking about past events that actually occured somewhere during the course of the show's history. On Days, history is limited to what is being said and done during a single day's episode and starts all over again the following episode.

71) Edward's hidden camera to catch Ned and Alexis together would not have been hidden. Instead, it would be sitting out in the open on a tripod with a sign on it that reads: "This is not a camera and is not recording you. Please ignore." Ned and Alexis, of course, will read that and believe the camera is telling the truth. If either one of them were to ever find the recorded video, they would have to talk out loud to themselves about what it might mean over and over again until eventually they put two and two together.

72) Alan and Monica sending Emily off to camp for three weeks would not be a way for them to punish her for her misbehavior. Instead, it would be an excuse for the writers to get the kid off the show for THREE YEARS so that the parents can have "legitimate" storylines and not have to deal with that irritating hindrance known as parenting. Then Emily would return recast with someone OLDER than the actors who play her older brothers.

73) There's a real chance that Jerry could die. On Days, Stefano would've faked his death and flown him off to some hidden island in the Bermuda Triangle by now and grown new internal organs for him.

74) Instead of duping Faison with cubic zirconium, Luke could've passed off Frosted Flakes as diamonds.

75) GH hires actors like A Martinez. Days hires the likes of Victor Webster, Arianne Zuker, and Kirsten Storms.

76) Every happy moment that the characters of Port Charles experience? ALL daydreams.