The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Yesterday I had my first appointment with a new therapist. He caught me off guard being like no one I had ever seen before. I find his style and intelligence intriguing, and look forward to working with him. It was definitely one of the highlights of my day.
Last night I spent time with Michael for the first time since Sunday. We did not have any one-on-one time; I was just one of many around him. It was good to see him, though. I felt like I couldn't do anything right and by the end of the evening he had actually raised his voice to me, although I don't think he was really angry. He was just trying to make a point. I cried myself to sleep... but told myself this morning that I'm just all emotional from my moon time.
It was difficult to make myself get out of bed and face the day. I had to really work hard to convince myself that life was still good, that I am a worthwhile person who has a lot to offer the world. One of the arguments that finally worked was that I am still highly valued at work, I do a great job, and everyone I work with likes me. I am safe and happy at work. No wonder I don't mind putting in extra hours, eh?
So here it is Friday and I do not have anything planned for tonight... the night that I knew would eventually come. I have had plans every Friday night for months. I knew tonight would be hard, and I wanted to have something planned, but I don't. Okay, I wanted to have plans with Michael but its hard to make plans when I don't get to talk with him longer than five minutes.
I don't want to ask too much... I don't want to put pressure anywhere... I don't want to mess anything up... I want to be loved and liked and needed and valued... I want someone to be with me because they want to be with me... I am doing my damndest to express something here and this is the best I can do right now. I'll keep trying. After all, I am stubborn and I don't give up easily.
Evening Entry
I posted that earlier in the day, and now it is late in the day, and I want to add a few words. I feel in Michael's defense I should add that he worked several days in a row and is feeling sick. His one day off and where is he? At home in bed, sick. I know when I'm sick I don't always feel like being sociable. Okay...
Then there's this whole issue of me being sad and tearful and crying myself to sleep (wait, did I tell you I cried myself to sleep last night? Yeah, okay, no big secret there). After mulling this over in the back of my head all day, I think this is part of a bigger picture involved with the blow my self-confidence took on September 11th. I know that everyone is fighting their personal demons, and collectively as a nation we are surviving the attack on our country, but being raped that night and assaulted a few days later just kinda put me in a spin. Sometimes I forget that... anyone who knows me knows that I forget things... even important stuff.
So this is why I see two therapists. Weekly. This is why I take medication daily. I need to be gentle with myself. But I also need to take care of myself. I have not necessarily been doing that in the best way I know how, but I intend to change that. I have done it for months, no need to stop now.
So tonight, I will take care of myself. If I wake up alive tomorrow, I will take care of myself tomorrow. Day by day, just like that. Have a good night.
~Paisley Blue |
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