The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Today is the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. My heart goes out to the soldiers and families involved in that conflict. For the first time in history, the United States was attacked on its own soil. Now, decades later, it has happened again, this past September 11. The bond between generations has tightened.
Yesterday I saw my other therapist, whom I shall call Doc because he reminds me of that character in the Back to the Future movies. He tried out a new therapy technique on me, and wants me to do it throughout the week as my homework. It is interesting; perhaps another time I'll outline more details. At the end of our session, he told me that he really appreciate the energy I put into working on myself, and that he does not take that for granted. I walked out of their feeling ten feet high and bulletproof. I've never been told anything like that by a shrink before. It's like Wow! Someone really appreciates that I am trying hard to get better!
Last evening I started having some major flashbacks on the attack in December 1989, as well as different episodes during my second marriage. They all centered around having guns pointed at me, and the fear for my life that I felt at those times.
When I came in from the patio I was shaking, and I guess Michael could tell something was wrong because he asked what was wrong. I tried to answer, and I just didn't know what words to say. He encouraged me to slow down and just say it, and to not be afraid. So I told him I was having flashbacks... and he mentioned something about there must be more that he doesn't know.
Angel pointed out that perhaps the movie that was being watched in the living room may have triggered those flashbacks. At first I did not see the connection but now I think I do.
I hate it that I have triggers, but what can I do?
She and I went back into her bedroom and talked - according to Michael - for two hours. I felt a lot better afterwards. I appreciate her taking the time to talk with me, when I was more inclined to go inward and shut off from the world.
This episode led to brief exchanges throughout the evening between Michael and I that culminated in an interesting idea. Later on the patio smoking, he told me that he'd like me to write a long letter and mail it to him, telling him all about me and my past.
He said such a letter would let him learn more about me, and perhaps help him avoid crossing over boundaries that he doesn't know about. I have to say that at that moment I was so freaking impressed by him that I just wanted to explode. He went on to talk with me about how I tend to withdraw into a "shelter" and he would rather help me not do that. I had not heard that word used like that before, but it aptly describes my tendency to withdraw into myself when I am feeling... wounded.
In response to the request for the letter, I quipped back to him that it wouldn't be a letter, it would be a three-volume book set. Still, he was interested. Later in bed I told him that my family had been asking me to write my story for years, but now I felt inspired. I really do feel inspired -- I want to share with Michael the story of my life, of what has happened so far, to let him know why I am like I am and how I got that way.
Of course, part of that story would have to include letting him know how much I love him, how special he is to me, why I respect him so much, and my dreams for our future together. But I want him to know those things anyway.
~Paisley Blue |
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