December 12, 2001

The Adventures of Paisley Blue Yesterday I was so busy and then the evening was full as well. The day before Butch lost her job, and then yesterday afternoon Smartalek ran away from home. It has been hard on everyone in the household. Michael and I feel it that we are the sole breadwinners this month. We were discussing that it feels like we have an instant family to support. The nice thing is that we are able to do it. Of course, we could always wish we had even more money, but the fact is that we have a roof overhead and warm, dry beds to sleep in. It could be worse. We are trying to plan a trip to Bellingham on Friday night for one of Michael's drag queen performances. It should be pretty exciting, and we are planning to take another couple with us. Hopefully they'll be able to share the cost of gas and the car rental. At least we are trying to rent a car for this trip. I hope it all works out. This is really important to Michael. Last night he was popping these air pillows that are used in packing, and they sounded like gunshots to me. I started shaking and having a flashback, and he got frustrated, yelling and leaving the room. I started crying, and grabbed my cigarettes and went outside. I thought I had pissed him off with something I cannot really help. A few minutes later he came outside and told me that he loved me to death but he couldn't walk on eggshells wondering what he would say or do next that would set me off. When he said that, I thought to myself, I don't blame him -- who would want to live like that? I told him I had thought he was really upset with me, and he said no, he was just frustrated. So we had a good discussion, about how he is a very loud, boisterous person, about how he wants to be relaxed around me and wants me to be relaxed around him, about how he doesn't want me living in fear and how he wants me to leave the past behind me. He wants to help me in any way he can. I came close to telling him at that time, but did not actually tell him until later, that I started my moontime today. In the back of my mind I thought perhaps it would explain some of my moodiness the last couple of days but then again, I don't want to just say hormones are the cause of anything... I feel like that's not exactly taking responsibility for my actions. Still, the timing is pretty interesting. I did tell Michael that my therapists were trying to help me deal with all this stuff, because I have a tendency to bury my emotions and then they come out in different, destructive ways. Then I told him that Butch had told me of her experiences with hypnotizing people with similar problems and that I had been considering asking her to help me in that way. After all, I've never tried that route before. He supported me in that direction. Later that evening we laid in bed and talked, with me telling him some of my life experiences. He listened, and asked a couple of questions, so I know he was taking it all in. Of course, he was wondering why I always want to talk at night when he's trying to go to sleep. I speculated that perhaps it was the uninterrupted privacy, the opportunity for intimacy, that allowed me to open up when we were in bed together. I suggested that perhaps in the evenings we could sometimes come lie down on the bed together just to talk, then rejoin everyone in the living room for socializing. I think he might like that idea because then when he is ready to go to sleep, I won't be talking and keeping him awake. I learned a little more about Michael last night, and he learned a little more about me, and it was good. Sometimes I am humbled by how much I love and respect him. ~Paisley Blue

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