February 7, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue For there to be such a long period of time where I did not write, you know something had to be going on. It turns out that I became quite ill with my asthma, and was even hospitalized for four days. It still took over a week to recover after getting out of the hospital, and slowly I returned to work. Now I am feeling better. I tried to quit smoking but it only lasted a few days. It's hard to quit when everyone is smoking around you, in your own apartment. Michael had vowed to quit but didn't even make it a day. He had a hard time of it when I was in the hospital. He came to see me once a day or so, and did not stay long. His explanation was that this very same hospital was the one where he last saw his grandfather alive. I can understand the painful memories associated with that, but I also felt that if he really loved me as much as I would hope a fiance would love me, he would have been there for me. The night I was admitted I had to walk to the emergency room the first time, and I was about to the second time when the security guard stopped me. He thought I was about to pass out, and went upstairs to wake Michael up and insist that he take me to the ER. Oh, Michael was soooo pissed off. He felt like I had done something to make him look stupid. All I was doing was trying to breathe, and trying to get to the hospital to get help breathing. I did not ask that security guard to help me; he did it out of the kindness of his heart. I did not ask that security guard to wake Michael; he did it because he felt it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do. Once I was home recuperating, there was a whole group of men taking care of me. Mechanic has been staying with us for a couple of weeks, plus there's these two guys who live downstairs who are often at our place. These four guys have cooked for me, made me laugh, helped me remember to take my medication, and generally aided in my recovery. I will always have special memories of those days. I've had a good long time to think and observe and examine my feelings and thoughts about my situation. I am not sure that Michael and I are going to make it. I have been thinking about breaking off the engagement. I still love him dearly, but I think we would be better off as friends. It's not anything that Michael has done. He's not being mean or abusive or excessively bitchy. It's just that I don't think I can live with the arrangement we have made, to never have a sexual relationship. My needs are not being met, and that's not his fault because he told me up front how the situation would be. I just thought that I could do it... and it turns out that I can't. I'm not making a judgement call on anyone. I'm not trying to be mean or cruel. It's just that I want to keep from making a small mistake into a huge mistake. Heaven knows I've been married enough times that I should recognize when I don't think it's going to work. I haven't told Michael about any of this yet. In all actuality, I am loathe to hurt his feelings. I have no doubt that he'll be angry. I just don't know if he'll try to "fight" for me. I don't know if he'll try to save the relationship. I also don't know if he'll blow up and demand that I move out of our apartment. For that reason, I am postponing the big breakup scene while I gather my resources and figure out what I'll do if I have to move out. If he moves out, I will be fine because I can afford the rent on this place. I just don't know where he'd go. But... if I move out, he cannot afford the rent. Just the same, if he demands it, I want to have options. I already have told a few friends whom I trust, and they have promised me their support if I need to move or something like that. The main thing is realizing that they support me and applaud me for taking care of myself. I am also proud of myself for the insight and decision making that I did not postpone or procrastinate. I know that I will be okay. I have lived alone before, and I like my company. I also like to be with other people, but not at the price that I've had to pay in this relationship. I sincerely hope that Michael and I can work it out peacefully because I'd love to continue supporting his drag queen career by attending shows and such. He's a lot of fun to be with... but I need to be with a man who wants to be with me in all ways. Okay so are you dying for me to just out and out say it? I want a complete relationship, and that includes sex. True, sexual relations is not the appropriate thing to base a relationship on and it's not the most important aspect of a marriage. However, without it, there is a level of intimacy and bonding that is just plain missing -- at least, for me. I need to be touched and held and cuddled and I want to be able to snuggle without fear of rejection and being pushed away. I am so horny all the time that the simplest touch will send shivers down my spine and bringing me to orgasm is too easy. Mechanic and the other two guys have had a field day with this. While playing around, they have discovered places and ways to touch me that just send me right over the edge. Then later they tease me, sometimes imitating the sounds of my orgasms which makes me both blush and laugh. I've got to release some of this before I just incinerate myself! Michael will hug me a couple times a day and every now and then he will kiss me. But many times at night, in his sleep, he pushes me away. That kind of rejection hurts, even though I know it's not conscious. Once we are broke up, I may be sleeping alone again, perhaps for months or longer at a time. But I will be free to pursue other relationships where I have the choice and opportunity to get these things I want and need, instead of being halfway satisfied in a relationship that has everything... except the physical intimacy between a man and a woman. Michael has brought happiness into my life. There have been a lot of adventures, and a lot of love. I just wish it had been enough. I hope this can be resolved in a way that saves our friendship, because that is what we were before our engagement. However, I know I have to do what is right to me, and I cannot control his words and actions. I'll just do the best I can and leave the rest up to him. Am I brave? Stupid? Only time will tell. ~Paisley Blue

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