Paisley's Journal March 5, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue I was writing an email to my sister today when I went off on a tangent about the subject of my husband. Pure emotion came pouring out of my heart, and while everyone else might be heartily sick of the subject, I wanted to keep a copy of those words here. This way I can return as often as I want and re-read them, and wallow around in the good memories I have of being with him. I also received an email from CB today. He gave me an address to send the divorce papers and said he'd sign them. Sis, I will tell you something that I want you to keep just between the two of us. I know it'll probably piss off everyone, maybe even you, so that's why I'm not letting it out as general knowledge. The fact of the matter is that CB is the great love of my life. I've been with a lot of men, I've loved a lot of men, but I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved CB. I know what he has done to me... I know the lies and the hurt and the heartache he has caused... if you could only read his emails you would see that he also knows these things. He tells me he doesn't want to be a *hopeless case* in my life... but he hopes that one day we can be friends if nothing more. He tells me he is going to take responsibility for the things he needs to clear up... and like I tell him, time tells on all things. With time I will be able to see if he is following through with his words. What I find unusual, almost at a loss to explain but yet I am at peace with, is that I'm really not interested in marrying anyone else ever again... if I can't have CB, I don't really want anyone. So now, in a strange way, I'm the hopeless case. Karma, eh? Maybe in a few years I'll feel different. But I can forgive CB all the things he has done... Forgiveness is an act of love. It doesn't mean I'll forget; it doesn't mean I won't watch out for myself. But *all* trials and challenges make us stronger (if they don't kill us) and how can I be angry or upset or unforgiving to anyone who helps me in such a way? This is the same principal I've used to reach peace and forgiveness for the men who have raped me throughout my life. If I had never been able to achieve that, I would be a truly bitter woman by now. So are you surprised? Are you shocked to learn how I feel about CB? I'm curious what your reaction is but if you're angry with me, please forgive me... I just felt like I needed to let someone know how I felt. If I died tomorrow, I want someone to know that I loved CB with all my heart and soul. I know mom and dad are immensely relieved that I am no longer with him... and I imagine the boys feel the same way. I will never forget how *your second daughter* cried when she learned that CB and I were no longer together. Girl, don't you know that CB loved your kids as if they were his own? They won him over with a quickness and he never begrudged the time or money I would spend on them. So in a way it's good that things didn't work out with me and Michael because during our engagement is when I figured out how I felt. This doesn't mean I won't date or maybe even live with someone else. I'm certain I'll love again, but I've always been capable of loving more than one person at a time. It just means that my heart of hearts is taken. I've wondered if this is how you feel about your husband... but I don't mean to pry. It's just a wonderfully glorious peaceful feeling knowing that I love someone that much, and being truthful, knowing that he loves me that much... I know others might dispute that because of his actions... but the actions that speak to me are the ones I saw when he was with me. When he and I were together, he treated me like gold. No one has treated me like he did... no one has ever held me like he did... no one has ever said the things he did... no one has ever looked at me the way he did... no one has ever captured my heart the way he did. Well, this has turned out to be my "Ode to CB" hasn't it? Please forgive me if I've bored you or angered you or anything. Sometimes a person has to express the things that are wanting to be poured out of the heart. In a totally different way, I do love Mechanic. He's the best friend a girl could possibly ask for. But I also love my friend, Twinkle, who by the way has offered several times to let me move into his studio apartment with him so I can get away from Michael. I love my friend *no nickname yet* here at work. I love my friend Wisdom. There is room enough in my heart for all these men, and not all of them are gay (in case you were wondering). Just thought I'd toss that in there. Well, there it is. Perhaps later today I'll write more, but I just felt strongly about saving this in my private little journal. ~Paisley Blue

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