The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Yesterday at work I received a call from the dermatologist's office. There was a cancellation and they were able to offer me an earlier surgery date -- today! I decided to take it, because I'd rather just get it all over with and not be stressed out over it. So, later this morning, I'll go under the knife...
Mechanic and I finally found some shoes for him, and they were on sale. We ended up getting him a size 15 because it fit better. Now he's got to get used to walking around with "squishies" in his shoes - his term for things like padding and arch support. *little giggle*
After buying the shoes, we made an impulsive decision to do another one of those touristy things I had not yet done. We bought round-trip tickets on the Monorail. It's a two minute ride between downtown Seattle and the Seattle Center, where the Space Needle is. You're three stories above ground and at top speed going around 35 mph. May not seem like much but it was a first for me, and I loved it!
After that, we went to the video store and rented a couple DVD's then headed home. While he fiddled on the computer for a moment, I called my mother to let her know about the upcoming surgery. At that time I learned that one of my sisters-in-law is in the hospital, having undergone an unexpected hysterectomy following a laparoscopy. She's just in her 20's, around Mechanic's age, but she has five children and I know she was "finished" with childbearing. It just seems like such a young age for that operation. However, the doctors said she needed it.
Mechanic and I spent two wonderfully intimate hours together after eating supper. By intimate I am referring to the nature of the time we shared, not necessarily sex - which I know everyone would suppose by the use of that word. In so many ways we are just so close... sometimes I think he can read my mind, but then, he says I'm an open book. Same thing from my point of view!
Afterwards, lying in bed smoking cigarettes, we had a way long conversation last night, very open and honest and frank, about our relationship and the possible future ahead of us. It was not everything I would have hoped to have heard in some respects. However, the complete and total honesty between us is all that anyone could ever dream of, and it is such a blessing to have that kind of communication with anyone.
One of the most interesting things, in my opinion, was our verbal exploration of the gay world, my place in it, and what it means for the future. We were talking about how I need to find a straight man who wants me morning, noon, and night, because I am a very sexual being. In the same breath, though, comes the realization that most of my friends are gay. I only go to gay bars. If I ever did happen to date a straight man, he could not be homophobic in any way.
Mechanic and I visited our oft-discussed topic of living together in at least a two-bedroom place. That provides a room for him, and his significant other if there is one, and a room for me, and my significant other, if I have one. We'd still have the intimacy of shared living quarters, the opportunities for those late night chats over chocolate ice cream, going shopping together (which we love to do!) and all the other fun that comes from being that close to someone.
I know he really wants to find a man who will love him for who he is inside, not for his looks or money. Just from the last year I've spent getting to know men in that scene, though, I know for a fact that's a rare relationship. I don't know that I've ever actually seen it, despite the number of men who yearn for it. But he knows that I love him, for who he is, not for his body - although I do love his body - and not for his money. But where that could go... in the near or distant future... is not known at this time.
And life is too short to worry very much about it. He lives day by day, and I try to do the same. I've tried to live day by day since 1989, when I had a terminal illness and had to face the fact that each day could be my last. No use stressing over things we have no control over.
As far as Red goes, I learned that he succumbed to curiosity, found my journal in a search engine, and read at least a couple pages. Apparently this caused some hurt feelings on his part, which is why I added the cautionary note at the top of my journal page. The future of that relationship is completely separate from me. I have never discouraged Mechanic's efforts to find the kind of relationship he wants with a man. Okay, okay... he points out that I have been jealous... but that is something I will try to work on. When you truly love someone, you just want them to be happy, and that is really what I want for him.
I just find happiness in the fact that Mechanic and I are together in the ways that we are. If it never developed further, as it might between a straight couple, I would still want to be with him and be close friends with him. If something more develops, that would be cool, too.
For now, we still sleep in the same bed at night. We still do the grocery shopping together. We talk on the phone, we laugh together everyday, and I know that he enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his. He will be there today to hold my hand as I go through this little surgery. I'm there for him when he needs help with things, to listen, to brainstorm, and to understand when he has to talk about painful stuff. These things count for a lot.
In some ways, we've both chewed on the same dirt as far as some of the events in our pasts. This is how people become so closely bonded during wartime. I feel like it makes our bond closer, too. Or maybe it's the fact that we're both Libras. Or maybe... just maybe... we're just two very lucky individuals in this big, wide world.
~Paisley Blue
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