February 8, 2004

For months I have not written in my journal - an activity which I have deeply missed during the tumultuous times recently passed. Finally, though, I have reached a point where I can again record the thoughts, experiences and dreams that swirl around me.

Most prominent in my decision to stop writing was the feeling of having this journal used against me by a man who entered my life for the purpose of using me. I am sure that in his mind, Lancelot felt that we were both using each other to meet our individual needs. However, I accepted him and trusted him at face value, which cost me dearly.

I was not physically hurt. No, if anything, he was good to me, or with me, whatever the appropriate phrase would be. What caused me pain were the deceptions and lies, and that he seemed to use my journal to assist him. Once I broke ties with him, I did not have the heart to expose myself to that pain again. I also did not want to give him any fuel to use against me, should that thought have crossed his mind.

I needed time to heal, yet during that time, more pain, illness and sorrow crossed my path. I became very ill for the last four months of the year, so much so that I had to use the Family Medical Leave Act to obtain several months off work.

After what seemed an eternity, a diagnosis was made that resulted in surgery. Immediately afterwards, thanks to Blue and Mechanic, I flew home for the Christmas holidays. It had been two years since I had last seen my family in Arkansas, and I am immensely grateful for the opportunity I had to spend time with my folks.

How did Blue get back into our lives? That was tricky, too. Earlier in the year, Blue moved to Seattle on his own accord. After seemingly accepting that Mechanic would not take him back, it seemed that Blue was moving on - getting a job, an apartment, and making new friends. Then one day he tried to commit suicide by overdose on Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. In the course of trying to save his life, the doctors attempted to pump his stomach, but the psychotropic medication was aspirated into his lungs. He fell into a coma for several weeks and hung perilously between life and death for quite a long time.

During that time, his parents - with the cooperation of Mama, who was also his landlord - took over his possessions and left him near destitute, should he ever emerge from the hospital. Despite promising both myself and Mechanic that Blue's possessions would not be discarded, that is exactly what Mama did - and later claimed to not remember any such discussions. This betrayal by Mama has severed our friendly relations with him.

Deserted by the new friends and his family, Blue did not receive visitors during his coma, but Mechanic and I checked on him daily by telephone. We had been told, by Mama, that we were forbidden to visit Blue in the hospital. Once he awoke from the coma, though, we learned this was false and Mechanic began visiting Blue frequently. The medical team attributed the miraculous recovery on Mechanic inspiring Blue to fight for his life.

At first he was destined to need round-the-clock care and a wheelchair the rest of his life. As time passed the negative news slowly gave way to better and better forecasts until finally one day Blue was released. However, he had nowhere to go, and by this time, Mechanic had re-established a relationship with the man. Upon discharge, Blue moved in with me and Mechanic.

To say that things did not go smoothly would be an understatement, but I do not want to dwell too much on that. Let me just say that the daily stress and trials of living with Blue, who clearly and verbally let his misogynistic viewpoints be known as well as slowly revealing his violent streak, wore on me as much as the recovery from my experience with Lancelot.

Another mistress had moved into our home as well. At first, she was mysterious and exciting and, then, as often happens, her veneer started to wear thin and her sheen began to fade. She still resides here, but we see her for what she is and we are at a stage of conspiring against her. I am confident that she will be evicted, but she is very persuasive and alluring and at times it is easy to forget the problems that she causes.

By the time I returned from Arkansas in early January and was well enough to return to work, I lost the wonderful job I had held for nearly three years. With that loss came the grieving that comes with being torn apart from a team of people with whom I had spent so much time, and from losing a work situation that had brought me so much pleasure. It can't be any wonder that I became depressed behind that.

What more could happen? Don't ask. One major consequence with the loss of my job has been the loss of health insurance. By the twisted workings of fate I do not qualify for Medicaid and at this time have no coverage at all. Have you forgotten that I am now an insulin-dependent diabetic? Little by little I was running out of the supplies I need to keep going. Most recently I also lost the privilege of visiting with my wonderful shrink, Trixie, except by email or telephone. Officially I can no longer by her patient, and while that is a recent development, it ranks up there in importance to losing my job - if not even more so.

With the loss of income came the perilously close path of nearly losing my apartment. Serious plans were made just in case Mechanic and I found ourselves living in our vehicles. My family's efforts to convince me to return to Arkansas kicked into overdrive. This only added to my stress as their support has not been what I would hope it to be at this time.

In December, Wisdom returned from Pennsylvania a few weeks earlier than expected. After his father passed away, his sister had tried to kill him - he escaped with just a bit of his belongings and traveled for several hideously painful days on a Greyhound Bus.

With Wisdom's arrival, though, came the advent of some positive news in my life. There is a man whom he calls 'son' and I have nicknamed him Magickstar. Magickstar would often visit at our apartment, and over the course of time, Wisdom formed an idea that his son and I should become better acquainted, in the Biblical sense.

No one could have predicted what would happen as a result of this attempt at a love connection, though. The more time Magickstar and I spent together, the more we realized just how much we shared, how much we had in common, how similar our most basic and important beliefs were -- and the feelings began to grow between us.

In a very short period of time we became girlfriend/boyfriend, despite the fact that each of us had not been looking for a relationship and, in fact, we were both extremely wary of the idea. Neither of us was offended when the other suggested we take it slow... and yet our feelings for each other have done exactly the opposite. Its a strange conundrum but equally pleasing and certainly quite stimulating. There are some times when we are together that it seems the earth and heavens stand still and there is nothing in the universe except the two of us. He tickles my mind and he captures my imagination.

For the time being we have both agreed to be monogamous with one another while we sort out whatever this is that is happening to us. By nature we are both polyamorous, but in fact, we had neither of us thought to get involved in a serious relationship for a long, long time, if ever.

But you know, sometimes in this life we meet special people and from the start, we know deep inside that these people will forever alter us just by our interactions with them. Whether Magickstar is in my life a short time or the rest of my days, I know that I will never be the same. I feel that I am a better human being just for knowing him. I would not want to miss this for anything, even a little wariness caused by past painful experiences.

As if this is not big enough change in life, there is more. Mechanic has found a special friend - I suspect it is more but neither of them has confirmed that to me. His name is Cherry and he is about nine years younger than Mechanic. He is an interesting young man, full of fire and eager to spread his wings in life. In a few short weeks he will be 21, although in some ways he seems much wiser than that. He dresses outlandishly, decorating his body in ways that remind me of hippies in the 60's and punk rockers in the 80's. This is one person who definitely follows the rhythm of some unheard inner beat.

So as it stands today, Wisdom, Magickstar, Mechanic, Cherry, Michael and I are all sharing the same roof and sharing the same tenuous circumstances.

Yes, it seems for the time being that even Michael is back as he seems to have nowhere else to go. He is intrigued with the Mistress, too, so we all have our moments.

What will become of this crazy mad household of people here? It seems to take all of us to keep this strange little household afloat. In the meantime, though, in some very important ways, it is a time of change and a time of healing. I felt strongly compelled to begin writing again because I feel that in the future I will need to be able to reference this time by reading the memories that I know my brain will not store.

It's good to be back. I feel a little stronger and a little wiser, yet also realize I have much, much more to learn. All in all, though, that's not a bad thing. It's when you stop learning that you start to die.