February 20, 2004

He is gone, for a while. Wisdom had been making preparations to leave for California on the next phase of his journey in life. He agreed to work on a project with a friend. During that time he would have to live in another state, but he constantly assured us that he would return.* On Tuesday, the 17th, he left the great city of Seattle for his adventures in the land of Governor Schwarzenegger.

In the time leading up to his departure, we spent a lot of time talking and connecting, as a group and one-on-one. In the hours before he left, everything seemed to become very poignant. Occasionally it seemed that time stretched out, and other times it sped by, and in the end his bags were packed... and it was time to go.

Some time earlier, while he was packing his bags, he had asked me for no tears. Did he knew how deeply I was going to miss him? I did my best to keep things cheerful - it was not hard most of the time because we did have a lot of laughs and great discussions. There were also tense things unfolding but, again, he helped keep things in perspective. I kept his request in the front of my mind, though, because I did not want to add any sadness to his last few hours in our home. I consciously tried to live in the moment and keep creating new memories to the very last second. I have lots of good memories from the last few nights when he was here.

There are some moments that I will always remember and treasure. Select snippets of conversation seem etched in my mind. There are times we shared closeness and harmony that made my spirit soar. I enjoyed realizing that out of all the time we had been friends, known each other, spent time together, it was just over the last few months while he lived here that he and I learned the most about each other. There is so much that I admire in him, and I know I am a better person for having connected with him.

It's like when you want to be the best that you can be... when you don't want to disappoint the other person... when you want to earn that person's respect... when you want to hear that they are proud of you... when you want to give, not out of any expectation of reward, but out of the desire to see their happiness, to make their day brighter... when you want the other person to be the recipient of all the beauty in the world... I wanted to sprinkle his life with laughter and joy...

Wisdom had that effect on everyone in the household. I know that in the last few months we all went through a few stages of growth. His insight and knowledge were freely shared, yet balanced with a desire to be open to new ideas and experiences. In many ways, I believe, he provided each of us with encouragement and direction. He added new pieces to the Puzzle of Personal Interactions that I have been trying to understand. He was accepting of people, yet encouraged us all to question our motives, clarify our goals and make sure the direction we traveled was one of our own choosing. He was not perfect but he was always himself, and that in turn helped me find peace with the idea that I'm not always going to be perfect... and the important thing is to be true to myself.

We waited with anticipation to hear whether he had safely arrived. Word came in an email and, soon after it arrived, we were all talking with Wisdom on the phone. Cherry was especially cheered to speak with him. Mechanic and Michael also shared a few words with him. Even though he is geographically far from home, he is not far from us in our hearts. It was comforting to hear that he misses us, too. He told me that at times he found himself wondering what we would all think of this or that... just like we often include him in our conversations, wonder whether he would find this or that amusing or whatever, wonder how he is doing.

In the first couple of days after he left, I spent a lot of time sleeping. When I was awake, I was just about heartbroke that he was gone. This surprised me in a way, because I did not realize I would feel so strongly. I wonder if I was just not in touch with my feelings? The intensity blew me away. However, after I tossed it around in my head for awhile and talked it over with those closest to me, I learned more about myself. In some ways, I was the last to know... others saw clearly what it took me so long to see. The beauty in it, from my perspective, is that, while there were other painful events going on in my life, I was able to appreciate and enjoy his friendship.

Perhaps after more time goes by I will see this differently, perhaps more clearly or maybe even find new perspectives that are not visible right now, but one thing is certain: Wisdom has taken a big hold in my heart, as one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. I look forward to sharing the future with him, however that unfolds. I'm looking forward to many more phone conversations, reading about his adventures in email, and enjoying his sense of humor. Many of his friends hope that he will build a new website. And, of course, I look forward to his eventual return home, to Seattle.

Now, to the topics of today, I am organizing my thoughts and making plans for the future. First and foremost, I want to take care of myself. Its good to be part of a group, part of a family, but in the end how well can I give to others when I myself am not whole? I must identify where the chinks are and how best to fill them. I need to find balance within. At times I have made a list of "life goals" and broken them down into smaller, achievable chunks. Now its evaluation time. Where do I want to go from here? Where do I want to be a year from now? What are the top ten things I wanted to do with my life? What have I already accomplished? What do I have yet to accomplish? How have my priorities changed? How does this fit in with my family and home?

These are some of the things I am pondering. A few answers pop readily into my mind, but I will spend energy and time exploring my heart to discover all the answers. There has been so very much change in my life already this year. In fact, change has been a constant for everyone I know. Many times I have lamented the losses... the job I loved so well, the people there who were like family, the health insurance - the loss of which directly affects my quality of health right now... all this followed by other losses such as my ex-boyfriend... Now, I am trying to see these events as part of a big picture, overall change in my life. I see so much more change on the horizon. As long as things are going to change, though, I want to influence it in a positive way, in a way that is beneficial to me. That is why I have to answer these questions and move forward.