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December
12, 2000
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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
I
suppose I'm on one of those little down cycles that I get into
occasionally. I seem to go up and down, up and down, and right
now I'm feeling a lot of stress. In fact, I'm so stressed out,
I'm having chest pain right now. Last year I went through lots
of testing in the hospital to determine that there is nothing
wrong with my heart. It's just that when I get overstressed,
my chest hurts. Like right now.
Recognizing the
problem is half the battle, right? The next step, by logic,
would be to slow down, relax, and de-stress. So that is what I
am attempting to do. I have called in sick to work, am
spending a few minutes at the library to write in my journal
and find a good book, and then I am going home to rest. CB is
supposed to be home today or tomorrow. You KNOW that I am
hoping it is today!
I have been trying to identify the
cause of all this stress, and while I have some good ideas, I
don't know I've identified all of it. Still, there does not
seem anything I can do about those causes. They must be
present in my life in order to function as an "everyday joe
citizen" type of person. For example, the stress of making
sure there is food on the table, clean clothing, roof over the
head - those are survival types of stress that must be present
in order to live, don't ya think? I'm not trying to
worry about it, like CB would say... I just somehow get
caught in a loop thinking about it. I know that
everything will be alright, that there will be money for rent
one way or another, that we will have food (to starve in
Seattle you'd have to be just plain stupid) so I'm not sure
why I spend this time thinking about these issues.
Other stress centers around the whole PTSD thing...
I've had numerous flashbacks and nightmares lately. I think I
hold it in well. That is, I haven't walked around looking
scared of every male who comes near. But I suppose those
feelings have to be released in one way or another, and that
is the genesis of this stress. Hmmm, I am not sure I have ever
addressed the topic of my PTSD in this journal before, but it
stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is often seen in
wartime victims and soldiers, or those who have suffered
severe traumatic events. I have survived many traumatic events
- let's just leave it at that for now.
Knowing that I
need to be followed by certain mental health professionals, I
had an appointment today for a Chemical Dependency Assessment.
For an hour I spoke with a very kind woman who had an English
accent, detailing for her the details of major events in my
life, answering her questions, and such. By the end of our
time together, she was patting me on the back and praising me
for not being bitter and for overcoming the many things I have
endured and lived through. She told me right off that she did
not think I had any alcohol or drug problems, which is
basically what I need to get into the program I am applying
for at SMHI. That she found me a source of courage and
inspiration, as others have before her, still astounds me.
I'm nobody special... am I?
For some reason,
whether faced with a loaded gun pointing at me, or a terminal
disease, I never give up fighting. There is always a reason to
live, if nothing more than the fact that life itself is a
precious gift. Twice in my life I have been given a diagnosis
of a major health problem and then told that I did not have
long to live. But I'm still here... By all rights, I suppose,
I should have been dead at least 11 years ago. There must be a
reason I am still around.
I like to think it was
because I needed to find CB, because he is the great love of
my life...
~Paisley
Blue | | |
