| My life feels like its in a shambles, but email letters from my husband help me keep my head up. Where I thought I had strength I find that I am weak, and where I thought I was doing good it seems I have not. I'm sure that's not entirely accurate, but you ever have one of those days? I just pray every moment of every day that I make it. I am doing my best to be strong for him. |
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Well I did not have a lot of time to write last time I was here - can you tell? I have been having a very difficult time with a lot of things happening. They were not good things. My safety has been threatened and my peace of mind has been shattered. I just reached a point where there was too much. I started to fall apart.
I thought I could not turn to anyone. I thought I had to just keep it all to myself. That ended up hurting me more and more. Pretty soon everyone could tell that there was something wrong with me. At least, it feels like everyone can tell. And it seems like everyone was asking me if I was okay, if I was too stressed out, if I needed to talk to a doctor. Finally I did and I started to get help. But not before blowing a gasket in my brain. My husband is on his way home now because I need him so much. I feel a lot like a failure right now because I could not handle everything. Yet when I told my new therapist friend about everything I was trying to handle, she acted completely flipped out. She exclaimed that she did not know how I was coping, and doing so well, with all these things going on. The funny thing is she has not even heard all of it. I need to get away and relax and de-stress my life. That would help a lot. Right now I am just still in survival mode. I am just trying to hang on. I have to rely on my husband to help me out of this mess in my mind, because it is hard for me to figure things out right now. I am so thankful to have him in my life, and to know he loves me, even when I am like this. I do not know if I want to write in here exactly what my diagnoses are but trust me, it fits under the heading of mental illness. I have had these problems a long time, and for several years they were under control. But I just let myself get too stressed out, and they came back in full bloom. Now I'm trying to get the weeds out of the garden of my mind. Once again the wonderful people where I work have stepped up to help me in my time of need. Of course, not very many people know and I would not want them to know. But the fact that they are helping me makes my heart so warm towards them. I am being told often what a great job I do, and how much they would hate to lose me. Some days this feels like the best job in the world. Too bad it doesn't feel like that everyday, cuz then I could say I had the perfect job. :-) My family have also been so very supportive, and it surprises me a little, because they have not always been. But right now they are just wonderful. Well, that is all I have to say for now. To My Husband: Thank you for saying you would not throw me away. I love you so much. I was afraid that maybe you would think it was just too much to deal with or something. Of course at the same time that I was afraid of that, I was hoping that I knew you better than that. It's just sorta like my mind wanted to give you a chance to back out during this really rough time. I am sure when you return you will remind me of how I was there for you during some really rough times... I'm just so glad we have each other. Ich liebe dich! |
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Well yesterday afternoon I found out why I had not heard from my husband in a while. He is not yet on his way home but will be soon. Sometimes I feel like shaking my fists and yelling, "When will it ever end?" But I know that's not going to solve anything.
So what do I do? I remember what I have been told, what God has told me in a million different ways. There is always hope. There is always tomorrow. Life is worth living. There IS a reason why I have survived so many things, why I have looked death in the face and lived another day. Each new day I am given is an adventure, a lesson yet unlearned, and it is up to me to make the most of it. By all rights I should have died in 1989. I was on the edge, after 9 months with a terminal condition. At just the last moment, I was saved from death by a courageous team of doctors and nurses who performed surgery on me that is no longer done - there are new "technologies" available that make the surgical technique obsolete, even barbaric, in the eyes of the medical world. It was not barbaric to me - it saved my life. So there is always some hope to hold on to, somewhere to turn when things are unbearable, when there seems little left but to give up -- you can always turn to God. And a little medication don't hurt, neither. LOL I bought a little pin to wear on my t-shirt today. It says "Jesus is Coming - Look Busy" To My Husband: We will be together soon, my love. Don't give up hope. Have faith that the gods will help us. Look at all the miracles they continue to work for us. Think of all that has happened recently, and how it could have turned worse instead of better, then be thankful for what has happened. Because things did not turn out worse, we will be able to reunite soon. I will hold you and kiss you and stroke your brow and rub your shoulders and do other fun things to you that make your toes curl. I NEVER lost faith in you, or in us. We are one. |
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It has been so hot outside that I just have to stay indoors in the air conditioning or I feel sick. Isn't that lovely?
Yesterday evening I began reading a very interesting book called "@Large" or "At Large" by Freedman and some other guy. It's about the biggest cracking ever done, but never made the news. The reviews on the back cover note that this page-turner makes the intangible world of computers understandable. Well, I have just been enjoying this book to no end. It reads like a mystery novel, centers around the internet, includes lots of non-technical explanations of things like ARPANET and UNIX, and yet also makes the characters personalized and three-dimensional. You start to really care whether they find the cracker before the damage is done... whatever damage might be lurking in the ether. Now this is why I started the bookstore on my site. I am going to find a way to link to these books I'm reading, so that you, my visitor, may find out more and possibly be interested enough to buy the book, or find it in your local library. Anyway, the restful bliss of the weekend is almost over, and I will again go through the mind-numbing race of my weekdays. I've been communicating with my husband over email. I love that. I love him. To My Husband: Come to me, my darling. Come home to me. I am beside myself with anticipation awaiting your return. I love you with all my heart. We are one. |
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It has been a real Monday - hectic, full, busy, and downright chaotic at times. It's one of those days where I feel like saying, "Calgon, take me away..."
No, really, it has been rough today but the bright spot in my day was a phone call from my hubby. He sounded so happy and upbeat, it was just infectious. It made me feel so much better to talk with him. I miss him with all my being. I had my initial visit with a therapist here where I work. Oh my gosh, I am not sure now that this was a good idea. Getting on meds was a good idea, but the therapy that goes along with it - Mon Dieu! The problem is that therapy is intended to help you reach a point where you are like the rest of the world - what is called "normal" or whatever. I am not like that, never have been like that, and don't even really want to be like that. My life has been very different from most people's and I realize that anew each time I share my history with a shrink. They sit back and exclaim about how I have survived so much, and did I ever consider that perhaps I was choosing relationships with chaotic people? Well, the thought has crossed my mind. But the thought that also crosses my mind is that I choose relationships with people who a) have lives, b) are intelligent, and c) will have something to look back on when they are old. At least that is how I see things. Hmmm... I wonder if that sentence would be offensive to a shrink. Well, I really can't sit and worry about something like that. I have enough on my plate just trying to balance my chaotic life and the stuff going on in my head. Thank goodness for my family! Thank goodness for my husband! Thank goodness for my spiritual beliefs and the comfort they have given me during this time. Thank you, Mother Earth and Father Sky. Thank Goddess! To My Husband: We gotta blow this joint. Know what I mean? Even the liberals are fundamentalists in disguise down here. Well, maybe that's too harsh, but just the same, we are in the Bible belt down here and it's a dangerous place to be if you aren't just like 'em. I love you. Can't wait til you get here!!! |
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Don't mind me. I'm just the lonely, lovesick wife who is pining away for her husband. Well, I'm keeping busy so I guess I'm not exactly pining away, but I sure do miss that big huggable man!
I miss the way he holds me... and I miss the way he laughs... and I even miss the fact that he tickles me... I miss watching our tv shows together... I miss going for rides with him... I miss exploring new restaurants together... I miss holding his hand... I miss the feel of his hand on the small of my back... I miss lying next to him at night... I miss seeing his wet body emerge from the shower... I miss teasing him... I miss watching his reaction to certain clothes or high-heeled shoes I would wear... I miss him cooking for me... I miss his help doing the laundry... I miss running my fingers through his hair... I miss talking with him... I miss looking up at the sky with him... I miss hearing him say "I love you"... Oh, by the way, could you tell I miss him? To My Husband: You know, darling, I love you til the end of infinity, which never ends. We are one. See you soon, mein liebchen. |
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It's been a week since I've written?!? Well, my husband arrived home a week ago today, so I suppose it is understandable. It seems we have spent just about every waking hour together except when I am at work. I like it that way; he seems to as well.
I wish I could say that everything in my life was perfect but, when I think about it, I have never been able to say that, so why should now be any different? My head is wanting to just dissolve like warm jello from all the stress and stuff. I'm trying to hold it together until we can firm up our plans and change our lives in a manner that will help me de-stress. Now I know that there are no miracle cures for anything, and we all have problems and challenges in our lives, but for now I think the plans we have made are just the ticket for helping me out. It gives me a light at the end of the tunnel. You may have noticed a new area on this site called Seattle Dreamin'. That's a part of the puzzle. :-) So I will write here as often as I am able and we will see what happens... keep you posted... trying to stay sane... well, keep what little sanity is left... To My Husband: I am SOOOOOOOOO glad you are home. I know you haven't heard that but a few thousand times. I love you very much. You are a bright light in my life. Everything else fades in the background when you are near. I hope that I give you the confidence and support that you give me. The future is ours. |
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Things have been really wild in my life lately. We are moving to Seattle, Washington!!! That is why I built the Seattle Dreamin' page - I wanted a place to compile the links I was finding for researching my new home. I am so excited!
At work I gave my notice that I am leaving and my last day will be next Friday. Several people have said very nice things to me, some have tried to talk me out of my decision, and others have offered to give me a good reference. All of these reactions make this the best reception I've ever known to leaving a job. Today my husband and I are goofin' off doing what we have called "The Great Library Tour" of Fort Smith, Arkansas. Basically we reserved internet time at the main library and the branches, spaced two hours apart. At each location we get one hour to surf the web. Then we have plenty of travel time to get to the next location. At the time I am writing this, we are at the main library downtown, our final destination. I have had an absolute blast today. Now he and I are faced with short-timer's disease -- we know that we will be leaving this area soon and we are anxious to get the journey underway. All the tasks that need to be done in preparation seem unbearable in comparison with the excitement of the adventure that lies just ahead. At the same time I am acutely aware of each thing I do that might be "my last time." For example, will it be the "last time" that I use the internet at all those branches? Will it be the "last time" I see this park or that store? And of course when it comes to family matters, it is worse, because I wonder will it be the "last time" I see my brother or my sister and her family? After all, my hubby and I are moving to the West Coast, which is 2500 miles away. Who knows when I'll be out this way again? I am not trying to worry or stress over these things. It's really the opposite. I am trying to soak up all the experiences, and enjoy each moment to the fullest. I feel so ALIVE! I am trying to be conscious of everything that I do, see, and experience. It's not that I'm going to miss this area and pine away for it - it's that I know one era of my life is passing and another about to begin. There's a big tangle of emotions involved in that. Just because that tangle is there doesn't mean I'm panicked or worried or upset. It just means that I am running with all cyclinders pumping fast and furious. I make myself laugh at how excited I am. Ah, well, that is how I like it - edge-of-your-seat excitement. ha ha One thing I would really like to do, plan to do, and can hardly wait to do, is see the new X-Men movie. The clips and reviews I've seen and read have made me so anxious and excited to see it that I can almost taste it. What is wonderful is that my husband shares my excitement. This is one thing we are planning to do together by next weekend. Another thing we get to do is go through all our stuff, pack, and get ready for our big move. We have made lots of lists, so we know what we're taking, putting in storage, or giving away. There is so much to think about! So much to do! I am experiencing a day of happiness here today, folks. I just wanted to share that with you. Happiness comes from within, and today my heart is light and my spirit is peacefully enjoying every moment that I live. I wish the same for everyone in the world, and most especially for those whom I love. To My Husband: Babe, this Internet Saturday idea was great! Thank you for bringing happiness and love to my life. Each day we find things that make us laugh, and each day you tell me that you love me. I am the luckiest woman in the world. I love you with all my heart. We are one. |
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Well, yesterday was my last day on the job. It was almost like a traumatic experience for me. When I started there, it was to coordinate the new Medicaid Adult Managed Care program. There was no system, nobody had ever done the job before, there was no training, I just jumped in with both feet at the very beginning of this new system and made up my own way of doing things, my own forms, my own routines.
It was the closest I've come so far to having a baby, caring for it, watching it grow, and then handing over the reins to someone else. In my mind, it was like my baby was now a child, and going off to school for the first time. I had to turn over the care of this growing child to another person. I made sure to tell her how often the child needed to eat, and what time he was used to going to bed. I gave her instructions in case he got sick, and who to call for certain situations. Other than that, the new person is on her own. I just have to let go and hope for the best. Doesn't that sound a bit weird? To me it does. I've never felt that way about a job before. But I have a whole new adventure in front of me, and the time is growing short before we leave our apartment and embark on the unknown. My husband and I did go and see the X-Men movie. It was everything and more that I could have ever hoped it would be. As it happens, this is the first time we have seen a movie in a theater together. I saved the ticket stubs from this, our first "normal" type of date. They're safely tucked away in the bottom of my jewelry box. My jewelry box is about the size of a shoebox, made of carved cherry wood, given to me as a gift when I left another job I loved back in Germany. I started working for an engineering department of the government as a summer job between my junior and senior year, but when the school year started again, they could not bear to let me go. The colonel in charge of the department made a deal with the principal about my schedule. I would go to work at 7 a.m., leave at 10 a.m. and go to school for a few hours. I would return to work at 1 p.m. and work until 4 p.m. Everyone got off work at 4 p.m. Well, I was working more than I was at school. I attended two classes for one semester of my senior year. Then, I had enough credits to graduate, and my father was being rotated back to the U.S. and in order to avoid having to repeat my senior year, I graduated early. My last day of work my coworkers threw a surprise party for me. There were food trays, champagne, and beer. (In Germany teenagers are allowed to drink alcohol, and it was no secret to my coworkers that I was a drinker.) My direct supervisor - who also happened to be from Arkansas - presented me with a card, and then with the heavy gift, wrapped and ribboned, which I quickly tore open. It was the most beautiful jewelry box I had ever seen. I have stored my treasures in it ever since. My coworkers yesterday presented me with a card and gift as well. They gave me a porcelain trinket box that is nearly as large as my jewelry box. It has beautiful roses on the top, and a trellis weave on the side. It would be perfect for potpourri but I'd have to use a whole huge bag to fill this container. I'm sure it will be treasured just as this jewelry box has been treasured for the past 15 years. I have a feeling that later today there is another surprise in store for me. My mother asked my husband and I several days ago to come to her house at exactly noon today, and to not eat anything for lunch before we arrive. The other day she let slip that we would be there for probably around two hours. Yesterday I talked with my sister who said she was at my mom's house, cleaning for 'the party.' When I asked her "What party?" she hemmed and hawed and claimed it was an early birthday party for her youngest son. His birthday isn't until August 10th. Yep. That would be really early. Well, I'll be sure to let you know what happens. Until later, ciao. To My Husband: I think it is cool that we dream about each other. Thanks for sharing your dreams with me. I am excited about our upcoming trip to Seattle. |