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I have been staying busy. If I stay busy, my mind does not dwell on the fact that I miss my husband. I have been reading and playing Centipede on Dreamstation with the downstairs neighbors.
Yesterday I went to Medea's Grove, a bookstore here in Fort Smith. There were some drawings and paintings for sale. After talking with the owner, I am going to be taking some of my artwork in and showing it to her. Perhaps I, too, can sell my art on consignment. That would rock. The library is about to close so I must go. Next, I'm off to mom and dad's for supper. Our neighbors shared lunch with me. I'm doing pretty good on that end - not having to cook too much for myself. hehe To My Husband: Please email me as soon as you can. I miss you. Hearing from you would make me feel easier, to know that you are safe and okay. Take care, my love. |
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I stayed at work late tonight so I could write a little in my journal, and check my email one last time. I have not yet heard from my baby. It's been three long days since he left. Everyone assures me the time will pass quickly, and I know from past experience that once we're reunited time will have seemed to have flown. It's just the gettin' there that's gettin' me.
Today I went to the temp agency I work through to get a bit of money in advance. Gas prices just eat up everything. Anyway, as I exited the building, I saw an older man walking down the driveway in my direction. He was dark-skinned, older, distinguished looking, even handsome. He carried himself in a manner that reminded me of my husband. As he neared, I said, "Hi," and smiled. He stopped and looked at me, and for a moment I wondered if he was a little slow or something, struggling to say hello in return. When he spoke, I realized that was certainly not the case. "Please don't holler rape or call the police. I'm not being familiar with you, or trying to rap with you. You said Hi to me first, and I am simply saying hello to you in return." I was shocked at first, and then I told myself I had no right to be shocked. I knew from first-hand personal experience that even in the year 2000, a black man had every right and cause to be paranoid about saying hello to a white woman in Fort Smith, Arkansas. I struggled to tell him that I understood, and that I had said Hi because he had reminded me of my husband, who is also black. I said, "Have a nice day," and turned to get into my car. Just as I was shutting the door, he said in a quiet voice, "Lady, I'm also not black." He turned away and I was again shocked. Was I wrong? Do I have everything wrong? Of course, he could be Jamaican or Cuban, so I had not said 'African-American.' After all, I have heard from a few people that they do not like that term. Well, why the heck do we have to have terms at all? The only reason I brought up color was because that was the obvious reason he had made such a speech about saying hello. I was trying to reassure him that I did not care how dark his skin was, I was just trying to be friendly. These thoughts made me wonder what might have happened in his past. He was certainly old enough to be alive during the turmoil of the 60's, and I wondered if he had lived here in the South during that revolution. I started the car, and looked in my rear view mirror, expecting to see him shuffling along down the street. He was gone. As I pulled out into the lunch traffic to return to the office, tears welled up in my eyes. Why do we have to care about whether I'm whiter than a ghost or someone is darker than night? Who cares if someone is the color of caramel or brown sugar or olive-skinned? As far as I can tell, that was never any indicator of whether an individual was good, honest, friendly, reliable, or anything else that really matters in life. And now, I'm heading home... To My Husband: How I wish we were in communication. I wonder if you are alright, if you have somewhere cool to stay during the heat, if you have enough to drink and eat. I wonder if you are feeling optimistic or discouraged. If the latter, I wish I could wrap my arms around you and reassure you that we are going to be alright. And if the former, I wish you could wrap your arms around me and kiss my forehead, and tell me that we will be together soon. I love you with all my heart. |
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Yesterday evening was hard for me. A certain very friendly person tried to "cheer" me up but afterwards I felt even worse. A bit part of it is that I miss my best friend beyond words.
I took off to the library and tried to work on my Quote Collection, attempting to install a javascript quote-of-the-day, but so far it isn't working. I'll keep trying, though. Then I went shopping for a bit of food, although I don't seem to have much of an appetite lately. When I returned the neighbors were gone, so I trudged upstairs and put away the groceries. I had purchased the ingredients for a Jell-o salad recipe that has an unusual twist. It only took about 10 minutes to put it together, and that's because I was slow. It has to be refrigerated for 24 hours before serving, so I'll write in my journal tomorrow about how it tasted. :-) After I was finished in the kitchen it was already 10:00 pm, so I headed to the bedroom. I stripped down and turned on the air conditioner, and that helped me feel better almost immediately. I thumbed through the Reader's Digest my mother loaned me, then turned out the light to go to sleep. I lie there in the dark about five minutes and suddenly I'm crying... well, I can't say it was all that sudden. I had been fighting tears back a lot yesterday. I feel so emotionally raw. I feel so incomplete with my husband so far away from me. I prayed as I cried asking God to work a miracle in our lives because I just could not take it anymore. And yet, I was not asking for God to return my husband to this city. More than us being together, I want for him to be free. If he were here, I am not sure that he would be free. The oppression... that so many people don't even notice... is all around us. I felt better after praying, but still felt quite sad. I figured out that my encounter earlier in the evening had contributed greatly to those feelings. My self-esteem was low; I felt like I was not worth very much. This made me think I was not doing a good job of living, of being a person, and that I was not going to make my husband proud of me. A book on my nightstand called out to me. It's about a woman's worth, by a famous author. I'll have to get the title and share it here. Anyway, I switched on the light and opened up the book. After reading a few pages, I felt immensely better. I realized that generations and generations of women had been through the same things I am going through, and somehow we keep going. This book promises to help me connect with the Goddess inside of me. I am ready to do that. This morning my world was much brighter. I feel confident and hopeful, optimistic that somehow things will work out. I'm not sure how they will, but I do not need to worry about that. The only thing I have to do is get through this day, and do as much good as I can. At the end of the day, when I have given all I can, it is enough. My parents invited me over tonight for supper, so I will probably not even go home after work. I'll stay late, then head over early to their apartment. I'm doing the best I can to stay busy... I was going to get a second job, but I'm so tired in the afternoon I cannot even imagine doing that. My sister practically begged me to not do it - she says she is worried that the stress of two jobs would be too much for me, and she is concerned that I be able to handle things on my own. She is right, and I feel blessed to have her concerned for me. I know a lot of people aren't happy with her right now because of the family feud. Me, well, what can I say? I just don't bring it up, because I love her and don't want to lose the relationship we have. Perhaps later today I will write more, but if not, well, you know that I feel better today than I did last night. To My Husband: How many times can I say I love you? I hope that you never get bored of hearing that. I look forward to all the adventures we are going to share together in our lives. Please do not doubt me and my love for one minute. I know how you are -- you get to wondering if I will stick around through this, and through that. Well, I've always been there, haven't I? I am still here. We will never be apart in our souls. Besides, we are married now. You are mine. I am yours. The girls miss you. I hope to hear from you soon. I pray I see you soon. |
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Isn't it funny how our priorities can change from one day to the next? Now that my immediate needs and concerns are met, such as paying rent and utilities, more of my attention turns to my husband. He is out there, somewhere, in the United States. He left Friday and I have not yet heard from him. More than anything I pray that he is safe and well. Next, I pray that he will find a way to contact me as soon as he can.
It occurred to me that perhaps he cannot find access to the internet. In this day and age it is hard to believe, but I have to admit it is a possibility. I have heard of some places that require a person to present a current, valid library card in order to use the local library's internet service. Where he is at, I do not know if he will be able to get a library card anytime soon. We do not have a home telephone and so it is impossible for him to call me, even collect. Besides, in the end someone has to pay that bill, and we have enough on our plate getting the necessities paid. So perhaps he could send me a postcard or a letter? Well, how do I know that he has not already done that? In Fort Smith, it is not uncommon to receive something from a place as close as Texas two weeks after it was sent. And maybe he cannot even do that for some reason... I don't know. What I do know is that I am concerned because I care about him. A big part of my heart is aching to know if he is okay, and to hear that he still loves me. I have held all of this very close, not sharing it with too many people, such as my co-workers. I am pretty sure I know how the girls would gossip. My faith is unwavering in my husband. I will not let them try to tear me down with their silly ideas. Work hasn't exactly been smooth today. The old problems have flared up again, where a certain small section of the office girls do not want me around. I have just ignored them, which made them work even harder to get my goat. I have so little patience with this. I found myself with hours on my hands that I needed to fill by looking busy, even though I was completely caught up with my work. What's the point of being efficient if you're penalized for it? Well, I just spent the time double-checking my work, and analyzing things, and seeing if there were any areas that I could do better. That's not a complete waste of time... I have to go get the oil changed on the car today. It needed it months ago, but I finally have the greenbacks to get it done. By the way, I didn't own this car months ago - it just needed an oil change months ago. LOL Afterwards I am planning to go home, put on some music, and pick up my pens... and draw. I want to soar through the lines and emotions and dreams I can put on paper. My fingers itch to move gracefully across the surface of the drawing pad, creating a smooth, fluid line of permanent fade-proof ink. My mind is like a horse at the bit, raring to go, not wanting to wait a moment longer. So for this reason, to indulge the Muse who threatens to overcome me like a summer thunderstorm, I have to go now. To My Husband: I know from our past experiences that if I am feeling discouraged or sad or lonely, you must be feeling it even more so. Please know that I have not lost faith in you or in the reason we are undergoing this separation. I love you with all my heart. Please, if you can, find a way to let me know that you are alright. That is all I ask, for now. ;-) |
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This is probably my only opportunity to write in this journal today, so I am taking advantage of it. I feel a need to vent just a tiny bit. Life has handed me some tough stuff lately, and every now and then bad thoughts creep into my head, but instead of acting on them, I just keep forging ahead. Don't let anyone say I'm not made of sturdy stuff!
Last night a neighbor threatened me over something as stupid as a parking space. After a very hard day at work, and the emotional stress of having not heard from my husband, this was the last thing I needed. But I didn't burst, or pop, or explode, as much as I felt like it. I tried to handle it in the calmest manner I knew how. Hopefully it will blow over. Perhaps the neighbor had as hard a day as I'd had. Who knows. The great news is that later last night I found out that my husband had in fact emailed somebody else (not me) and that is great because it means he is alive. Now why didn't he email me? I can only figure that perhaps he forgot my email address. Its been known to happen. This message he sent to a friend simply said he had arrived and PLEASE ask me to write to him. Which I did. Multiple times. Now I'm just waiting to hear from him. Again. Today at work has not been any easier. Occasionally the depression and feelings of low self-worth threaten to take over, but I push them back down by reminding myself about the goddess within me, and about how much my husband loves me, and we are working on making our lives better - together. Even though we are not physically together, we have a plan, and each of us are working on our parts of the plan at the same time. So in a way, that is togetherness. Adding to the problems I have with my coworkers is the fact that I cut myself pretty bad while shaving yesterday. I sliced myself on the skin between my nose and my upper lip. Very visible, no way to hide it, a turtle-neck would not help this situation. To the one person who was brave enough to ask about it, I said it was just a freak accident, but what can I do? I just have to go on. She agreed and mentioned how she is always bruising herself. I feel like such a ditz. (Note for readers who do not know me personally, if there are any: Due to hormones being extremely out of balance since I was 15, I have to shave everyday, like a man. I've tried all the other products, except waxing because that just looks so painful. Anyway, ask a man if he'd be willing to wax his face and see what kind of reaction you get. I'm used to doing it now, and my husband has turned me on to a great new triple-blade razor called the Mach3. I believe my mother is fixing to buy me one this afternoon - since hubby took ours with him.) I felt like I had to write and vent because I am plagued by a returning impulse that is becoming stronger, so strong that it scares me sometimes. I have a history of self-injury, which is not a pretty topic or a pretty sight - and NO I have not done it. I've just thought about it. But I keep reminding myself that the relief is an illusion; once you cut yourself, you do not feel better, you just bleed. In the past I always thought that if I cut myself, I would feel emotions again. I'm realizing that my problem right now is not that I can't feel emotions, I just want to purge myself of the ones that hurt. I feel so out of place here... I feel so alone... I feel like a freak... Those are the emotions playing on me as I sit here alone in my office, hour after hour. Well, when lunchtime started today I just happened to stumble across some online horoscopes. They were so accurate I had to laugh outloud. (Who cares if anyone thinks I'm crazy - I work in a mental health clinic anyway!) The first one reads like this: Is this what you worked so hard to accomplish? All of your efforts leave you feeling like a caged animal right now, Libra. No one can blame you for wanting to escape. Success has its price, and you may be fantasizing more and more about unplugging from the machine. Weigh all of your options very carefully before pulling out of the rat race. There are good and bad points to each side. Your opponents' viewpoints suddenly come crystal clear later in the day. (Kelli Fox Sun Sign Horoscope for Libra, 2-29-00) I underlined the points that were speaking especially to me. The next one says: The Sun is in Cancer and the Moon is in Gemini, Jupiter is going into Gemini. You've had a tough week, but a break's coming. You may get a chance to travel soon. Push your career now, but don't get tunnel vision. Opportunities are out there. Keep scanning the big picture so you don't miss any.. (Linda Black Sun Sign Horoscope for Libra, 2-29-00) Pretty wild, eh? They give me a little hope to hang on to, as well. I like that in a horoscope. LOL To My Husband: Darling, don't let all this griping and venting up above make you too worried. I just had to release it somewhere, you know? We are going to make it! Life is just a little hard right now, but things will get better. One way or another, we will accomplish the goals we have set out to reach. I have faith in us, and in the gods helping us. They've already answered some of my prayers, and I feel sure they are still listening. I love you with all my heart. Take care of you. |
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So much for my plan to work late today. I'm tired. I am going to go home. It's been a busy, tiring day but just the same it has been one of my most light-hearted days in a while for just one reason: my husband called me today. Just hearing his voice somehow seems to make everything better.
Not to say that things are perfect or anything like that, but they are better. The gossip around work is that my husband left me after less than a month of marriage. Wow. Like they even know me or my husband or anything about our lives. I just let them gossip. Screw 'em. I don't need 'em. Their opinions or words are not necessary for my existence and well-being. The people who truly know me know that my husband left the state to pursue a job opportunity, and that is just what he is doing. We are still 'together' in heart and mind. When he called I could hear the concern for me in his voice. It made me just want to melt. I have my work cut out for me. This evening I'm having supper with my parents and doing laundry. Tomorrow I plan to organize some drawings and show them to the lady at the bookstore downtown. If she likes my work I may be able to place some in there for sale on consignment. I have high hopes for this endeavor. Well, I don't have much more time before I have to leave so I am going to wrap this up. By the way, why did I put a bookstore on here? I am hoping to link to the books I'm reading so that when I mention them, I can link to them, and you, my reader, will be able to look at the cover or something. hehe (Of course, I wouldn't mind if you purchased one or two of them, but it's not required.) Have a wonderful Friday evening. I'm going to do my best to do that, too. To My Husband: Hearing your voice made me feel light years better than I did yesterday. I know we cannot talk often, but what a difference! I know you told me not to worry about you but I can't help it - I love you so much. I will turn that energy into something positive though, and work hard to do the things you have asked of me. Please take care of you... and send me more email when you get a chance. Hugs & kisses. |