10th Aug 85
Well going to school
was never fun. We got a lot of new students in my class.
Students from
different places in
very intelligent almost everyone had more than 85% marks.
I was incorrigibly bad
was the common perception shared by everyone.
As a result I was
shunned by "padhako" guys which gave me immense satisfaction.
There was one good
girl in class Sakeena another "padhako" type.
20th Oct 85
My grades are not
improving. Neha was worried to death after finding my
grade sheet in dustbin.
Next time I will burn
it. Now it is official that no more college after grade 12th.
I had to work in my
uncle’s shop. Not bad, if not me then at least Neha
can go to college.
This is the least I
can do for her. Sometimes I really feel bad for her.
I am her elder brother
so at least I should do something for her.
I tasted Bacardi with
my set of so called friends.
Not that I care for
them but I have to be a rogue to hang out with them.
There is one more development
I think I have developed an infatuation for sakeena.
My hormones I guess.
10th Nov 85
Sakeena slapped Vikas.
He tried to play a prank on her.
Now the onus lies on
me to do something to save ‘Izzat’ of our group.
Personally I think Vikas deserved it. It's catch 22.
Let me think of some
innocent thing.
20th Nov 85
I beat the hell out of
Mr Sharma's son.
That rogue was teasing
a small puppy which had strayed into our school compound.
That puppy reminds me
of my existence, wanting to thrive but does not know how to.
I jumped out of school
wall to leave puppy outside the school, another cardinal crime.
On top of that Sakeena saw me jumping in. She would probably tell the
teachers, she hates our group.
I may be suspended.
Already teachers are looking for an excuse. My group is forcing me to do
something.
I have no clue what to do.
25th Nov 85
The plan is hatched.
The day is 10th Dec the last day of our exams. I am tensed.
10th Dec 85
Today my life was
going to change forever. After the exams I went to Sakeena
cornering her in an isolated place.
I told her I loved her
and proposed her. Our juvenile idea of a prank.
Knowing very well that
she was going to slap me, I anticipated that.
Our plan was to hold her
hand when she raises it.... What a shock it will be to her.
Of course it would
have meant instant glory to me, the undisputed leader of our gang.
She will probably cry
and my mission is over.
Waiting there for something to happen, longest 10 seconds of my life. Nothing happened.
She gave me a smile
and left the place. Well that was kind of stupid because I was standing there
open mouthed unable to decide what to do.
You never know what
life has in store for you.
11th Dec 85
My friends were disappointed
that I could not carry out the mission.
I fabricated a story
of how suddenly class teacher escorted her out of the class.
15th Dec 85
I failed in every
subject except mathematics. Not that I was good at that, content of course was
relatively easy.
But I do not feel
well. Something hurt inside. So lonely, never felt this way before. I think I
am falling for her.
20th Dec 85
This can't happen to
me. I actually caught my self reading physics book. Now why do I want to
study?
Want to impress Sakeena? Worse of all Neha saw
me. Now I hate this, why she has to spy on me.
I feel so guilty !!!!!!!
25th Dec 85
For last fifteen days
I have a feeling to change myself but could not gather courage.
The magnitude of task
was enormous. I don't understand why I have the urge to change.
The only reason I
could comprehend was that I never really liked my club of idiots.
As a matter of fact to
do something for Neha was always on my mind.
She was not growing
like any other teenager.
I want to be a real
big brother, caring and pampering her.
2nd Jan 86
I got a warning for my
bad academic progress. Now if that was not bad enough Sakeena
actually smiled at me today.
I can't believe it.
This is insane. I am pretty sure I am
hallucinating.
10th Feb 86
I think I have
changed. I still smoke and booze occasionally.
I still roam around
with same guys but I know I have changed.
Everybody still hates
me. But I know there is something wrong.
I have started
listening to teachers in class.
I have started finding
excuses for not going out with my gang.
I hate to think I have
changed because of a girl. Where is the “dada” in me.
10th Apr 86
My exams are over. I
think I will pass though Mr Sharma will try his best
to fail me.
Today I had a fight
with Vikas and ofcourse
this was the last thaw.
My relationship is
over with them. I am still an outcast in class but people have started noticing
me.
I hate this when
people speak in hustled tones about me.
Sakeena is usually cold towards me. Sometimes an occasional smile.
1st May 86
I passed the exams. On
top of that I passed with 70% marks an achievement considering I failed in all
subjects in mid terms.
I did some hard
thinking. I have changed and probably I like this better than my previous life.
But why
? For sakeena.
More I think it is
combination of factors.
It was probably
deep-rooted desire to be successful, a dream for Neha
and to prove to my uncle and aunt
that I am no black sheep in the family. Though I never
thought it would culminate in this way.
10th Aug 86
People are preparing
for competitive exams. I don't know what to do.
Sakeena is preparing for Engineering, IIT, now what is that I have no clue. I have to find out.
30th Aug 86
Let me try IIT, I came
to know that it is toughest exam for engg.
If Sakeena
is going there I have to go there too. These days my situation is pretty bad.
Neither my previous
friends are talking to me nor the "padhaaku"
guys of my class.
I am dhobi ka kutta and subject of great ridicule.
15th Sep 86
Today is the worst day
of my life. I was caught red handed studying IIT Physics in Library.
Seema saw me and informed everybody. Why can't people mind
their own business.
There were a lot of
people with a smirk on their face when I entered the class.
I hate this mundane
existence!!!!
1st Oct 86
Today Neha talked to me for a long time.
She is unable to
decide whether to be happy or worried at my changes.
I wonder if she has
thought about the reason for this change.
But she said she is
very happy for me.
Sometimes I am really
scared what if I fail her. I really want to succeed for Neha.
Though she is younger
to me but she is so mature, she looks after me though it should be the other
way round.
I have to do succeed
for Them.
20th Oct 86
I have caught myself
following Sakeena on more than one occasion.
Now this is very dumb.
I am making a fool of myself.
1st Nov 86
Today we had a school
function. There was a dance competition.
I tried to participate
as sakeena was there but considering that I am still
an outcast
I was not allowed to
participate in group dance. I was taken for playing "bongo".
15th Nov 86
Surprisingly I was not
bad at them. I picked up quickly and was playing well.
At least this is what
my music teacher thinks.
1st Dec 86
Our music teacher
decided that I would have a solo item in function. This is a bit of news to my
classmates.
23rd Dec 86
This is the best day
of my life. It seems that my item went really well. Many teachers congratulated
me.
I am seriously
thinking of taking this as a profession. Even Sakeena
congratulated me after the function.
I am on seventh
heaven....
2nd Jan 87
After the function I
am no longer an outcast, though people talk to me with caution as if I will eat
them.
Most of the time I
have is spent in library these days. I am really scared.
I am sure I am making
a fool of myself in front of two people I value most.
10th Jan 87
I have discovered
something. I am not the dumbest kid around. I can solve more questions of IIT
paper.
Some of the guys in my
class were solving questions on black board and they were struggling to do it.
It was straightforward
application of conservation of momentum.
20th Jan 87
Sakeena topped the class in half yearly exams.
Well she is good.
I passed in all exams.
I have a such distaste for limelight, I made sure that
I am never in top bracket.
I usually miss a few
questions. It is painful to find people looking at you suspiciously.
1st Mar 87
Within a week we are having
board exams. Neha is worried to death about me.
Sometimes I think she
is my elder sister not younger.
Today I have to
confess, I am proud to have a sister like her.
8th Mar 87
Today was my first
exam. Sakeena wished me luck.
2nd April 87
My board exams are
over. I should pass the exams. I have to prepare for IIT.
I have to ask for
money from my uncle and he gave me such a look that implied why not burn it instead.
Anyway he gave me as
this is first time I ever asked him anything.
1st May 87
I really tried to
study in last month.
12th May 87
My IIT exam is over. I
think I have done not badly in exam.
I hope sakeena has done well. I sincerely hope wherever she goes I
can follow her.
After all life is miserable
if not lived for someone you love.
11th June 87
Tomorrow is the
result. And I have to work in my uncle's shop.
Fortunately Neha is not aware that my result is tomorrow otherwise she
will bug me
to tell her the result as soon as possible. I hope Sakeena has got a good rank.
12th June 87
It’s already 5 PM and
I am still in shop. The results must be out. Maybe it is too late today.
I will check out the
result tomorrow. Anyway if I have failed it would not matter.
13th June 87
Bhaiya wake up your results are out. It's in
newspaper.
What is your roll
no??? I woke up to Neha's hysterical ramblings.
I had my number
memorized. Let me see. This is the biggest shock ... My rank was 56.
Now I hope this is not
an error. Neha is crying. But wait their can always
be misprints.
Let me go to IIT and
check it myself. I made Neha promise not to tell
anyone.
14th June 87
Yes I am in the merit
list. My uncle and aunt just cannot imagine that.
And it really seems
that they are happy!!! But I have to find out what happened to Sakeena.
I am sure she would
have done well.
15th July 87
I have taken comp sc
in IIT Delhi. Nobody from school got into IIT not even Sakeena.
I wanted to join Delhi
University (DU) but that would have been very impractical.
What excuse I will put
up in front of Neha. But the best part is I can still
meet her
she has got admission
in St Stephen’s.
20th Jan 91
I am graduating soon.
In four months. I have done well at IIT. Even I am surprised with my results
here.
But I guess my
motivation lay in DU. She is doing masters in DU.
I have gone there on
my many college festivals. More than once I have seen her but could never
muster courage
to talk to her. Once I almost came in front of her. I don't
visit my home often. Neha is at college
and I meet her in college. This is a convenient arrangement
as I could at least see Sakeena if I am lucky.
I suspect that Neha knows something about this.
1st May 91
I have to decide the
course of my life. I must talk to Sakeena.
8th May 91
I have been roaming in
DU for last one week but I am unable to locate her.
15th May 91
Today was the worst
day of my life. All these year’s of effort have gone
down the drain.
With a single nod of
her head she betrayed my dreams. Sakeena thinks
nothing about me.
She told me bluntly
that I was a nobody in her life. I will hate her for
this.
I want to go back to
my old life. I even tried to drink again but I guess that the bully in me had
died long back.
Suddenly a feeling
swept over me that I want to punish her.
Why would I want to
punish her???
Just because she
laughed at an immature boy proposing to her
and I misinterpreting her feelings. Was it her fault if she
congratulated me.
Was it her fault if I decide
to look for her in campus.
10 Sep 91
I am in
I was lucky to get a
scholarship from
Neha is alone in
I don’t want to loose
the other person I love.
20th Dec 91
I have heard that Sakeena is getting married.
10th Mar 2000
Bhaiya why don't you marry. Neha
is married to an engineer in
She always says that I
should get married. I cannot marry. Neha will never
understand why I can't marry.
Dr Amit Pradhan
Dept. of Electrical
Engineering
Engineering Quad, Room
B124
NJ 08544-5263
10th Sep 96
Dearest Amit
I never thought I would ever write to
you. But your face has haunted me ever since we had
our last conversation. I knew I refused you but that was
because I wanted you to lead a good life.
I have talked to my
parents about you. They were strictly against this match irrespective of your
achievements. This was more because my father is
president of Muslim Manch and he could not afford
that his daughter marry a "kaaphir".
He was so obsessed with his post that he hinted that even if
he has to do something illegal to prevent this he will not
hesitate. I could not make him see reason.
Then I realized that
freedom is just words on paper. It was not only about us but also about Neha.
My worst fears were
coming true. I was married to someone of my own religion. He works in
I knew this marriage would never
succeed. And it never worked out. My husband knew that it was not
working out. Somehow
I always thought I am guilty of breaking your heart. On umpteen occasions I
searched the internet
and thought of mailing you but could not gather courage.
The day you proposed I did not know to
react. Perhaps I liked you from beginning. Why???
Don’t ask me. There is
no reason to that. Heart has reasons that reason does not understand. Perhaps
I could feel that deep
inside you were different. Beauty is not
in face, it is light in heart.
I can still see you
saving that puppy. I was sure you were not a bully. You changed and you thought
nobody will notice that!! Sooner or later we
begin to understand that love is more than verses on
valentines and romance in the movies. You know the
day you performed on school function I was the
happiest person on earth. I soon figured out that
you came to my college every Friday. I made it a
point to watch you from 2nd floor library where I had a clear
view of front gate. This was my routine,
every Friday I used to dress up because I knew that you would
come. Isn't it strange that two people
can come so close to each other without ever holding hands,
without talking to each other. I would often
daydream of you and even sometimes imagine that you
are sitting on a bench in the playfield in front of
our house.
If only I could tell
you that in vacations I would always jog near your house hoping that I might
catch your glimpse.
I would sit on the
bench for hours hoping to catch a fleeting glimpse when you will come to draw
the curtains.
Every other day I
would pledge to stop this madness but somehow my feet always betrayed me.
I made a few friends in IIT Delhi from them I came to know that you were
doing well. Perhaps you don't
know that I was there in all fest IIT Delhi organized hoping
someday I will see you. Every year I went with
the same dream to find you somewhere though I could never
have gathered courage to talk to you. I was
so ashamed of myself. You know I even organized a get
together of our school batch for two years
hoping to find you. I have always believed that
destiny is not a matter of chance; it‘s a matter of choice.
You were my only
choice despite that you never became my destiny.
I still regret why I
was not there. Perhaps I had become anti social after that encounter.
I guess truth is I
wanted to share every joy with you.
When you realize you
want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your
life to start as soon as possible.
My life changed the day I refused you but hoped that someday you will
realize that I have loved you equally
if not more. It was not only about our happiness. I used to
cry whole night hoping that God will have mercy on me.
But I guess we all are
prisoners of fate. I hoped that you will forget me though I could never forget
you.
Only if I could make
you believe how proud I am of you. I know you might still be bitter but hopefully
you
will forgive me someday.
I could never forget
you nor forgive you. I tried to hate you but could never hate you. I tried to
go with other girls.
In my subconscious
mind I was always comparing them with you.
I came to
I was not well I knew
that. Somehow my irregular eating habits were catching up on me.
Doctors diagnosed
cancer and my husband promptly packed my belongings and sent me back to
He said his political
ambitions have killed me. It does not matter now. It is too late for all this.
I forgave him. There
is not much that can be done. I may not be coherent for a long time so I
decided to write this letter today.
I have loved you from
the day we met till the day I die.
Forever yours
Sakeena
I have read this
letter everyday for last 4 years.