As Misty's World Turns


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April 1, 1997

Well here it is, the dreaded tax month! Every year I pay and pay, and never get a refund. But then why would I? I don't own anything to make interest payments on, nor do I have any dependents. I'm a single woman filing only for myself. Since I live with my Mom, I can't even consider myself "head of household" like other singles.

So you can imagine how shocked I was when my tax man told me I was getting money BACK! It's not very much, but when your budget is stretched as tight as mine is, every little bit seems like a lot. Now I'll be able to refill my medication....I've had to let it slide for lack of funds.

April 7, 1997

Life is hard. I feel like I spend so much of my time trying to climb out of a hole. Trying to keep my head above water. Treading water seems to be my way of life anymore. Just trying to keep everything going. It's like juggling. Making sure everything is paid while trying to figure out how to pay the next bill. Wondering if I can afford to refill my medicine this month, or am I going to have to scrimp and only take my medicine once every other day...or every third day. Every month I tell myself, "next month I'll get those new glasses I need." But then it's time for the car insurance payment, or the quarterly tax payment, and poof, the money is gone again. It's now been 4 years since I had new glasses. I can't see far away, and now I'm having trouble seeing up close too. Driving at night is quite an adventure anymore.

I've come to rely on my Mom so much. She provides me with a great place to live for a small amount of money a month. She makes sure I eat right, and takes care of me when I'm not able to take care of myself. A few weeks ago I was so scared I was going to lose her. She got VERY sick. I sat up with her all through the night in the emergency room. Once they'd given her some morphine she was able to sleep on and off. While she slept I kept thinking, what will become of me when she's gone. She is everything to me. I guess I'd end up in some flea bag apartment, if I could afford it. The flea bags here aren't much cheaper than the nice places. Both seem to be out of my price range these days. Little by little she's gaining her strength back. She gets depressed when she's not able to do things, and I have to remind her that a week in the hospital and being so sick is hard for anyone, but even harder when you're almost 80 years old. For a while the roles were reversed as I took care of her. Thankfully she's able to do for herself more and more, and I'm able to get the sleep I've lacked.

If only I could hold down a job. My future would seem brighter. Not quite so bleak. But the sad truth is that I'm not able to hold down a job. I have to rely on the little amount of Social Security Disability I receive each month....along with the alimony I get from my ex-husband. (neither of which increases, even as my cost of living goes higher each month) I don't know why it's taken me 4 years to realize I'm being screwed on my alimony. I guess I just wasn't up to facing it. But today I actually sat down and read through my tax returns for last year. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm getting roughly half of what I am supposed to receive. I suppose I could get an attorney and fight for the rest of the money. I just don't have any money for a lawyer. And now that he's out of the country, getting results seem almost impossible. Life is hard.

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