Aug. 1, 2001
My God, another month has already flown by. Why is it that the older we get, the more time seems to speed by? When I was a little kid, weeks seemed like months, and months seemed like years. Now a week seems like a few hours and a month seems like a few days. Amazing!
July was quite possibly one of the worst months I've ever encountered. I had several scares in July. Two involving my health and my car, and the worst scare involving my Mom's health. I'm so glad to announce that my worst fears about my Mother were nothing at all, and God willing, she'll be here for me for many more years. Unfortunately, all the stress of the last month has not been good for my FMS, and I'm in horrible shape again. Several times a day I would pray to God to spare my Mother. In return I said I'd take what ever he wanted to give me, just so she would live a few more years. Now that it looks like she definitely will be around a while longer, I'm not going to complain. God fulfilled his bargain, and I intend to fulfill my end.
It's funny how we view our lives in the future. When I was 25 years old my future seemed to secure and happy. Now that I'm approaching my 41st year, things don't look so rosey to me. I've been told that I'm looking for perfection, or pie in the sky. Maybe I am at that, who's to say for sure. I do know that I have no fear of death. I guess I've lived an ok life, and what is meant to happen will happen. I would miss my nieces and nephews if I were to die, and my brothers, but then I would also get to be with my father again, and see my beloved Jack. There have been many times over the years that I've wanted to end my life. As easy as it would be, I fear never seeing my father again. So, I'll have to wait for God to make the final decision. All I can say is I'm ready when He is.
Aug. 6, 2001
Incredible pain, heart wrenching fear, hopeless lonliness, and interminable solitude. That is what its like to have Fibromyalgia. Knowing there is a world out there, yet not being able to join it. Laying in bed for hour after hour, day after day. Or if you're lucky, making it as far as a couch, to spend your life looking out a window, or watching life on T.V. If you can muster the concentration needed to read a book, you do so, although with the amount of pain you're living with, it becomes too difficult to read, or concentrate.
In time, your hope of a remission fades like an old photo. You wonder when or if you'll ever be well enough to sit in your wheelchair again without horrible pain. For just the idea of sitting for any prolonged period of time seems like a dream you'll never see fulfilled again. When you are at rock bottom with Fibromyalgia, even the little things most people take for granted would seem like heaven to you. Being able to sit long enough to finish a meal. Actually leaving your bed or your couch long enough to seem like part of the world, instead of just an observer.
I've long since stopped asking for relief from the pain. I know it won't happen. I've even stopped hoping that one day I could be normal, and live like other people do. I know it's impossible. One by one my dreams have vanished. All I can do now is try to cope with what my life has become, and pray that one day Fibromyalgia will never effect anyone like it has me. There is so much more I'd like to say, but the pain is unbearable, and I must lay back down.
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