As Misty's World Turns


1997 - 1998 - 1999 - 2000 - 2001 - 2002 - 2003 - 2004 - 2005 - 2006 - 2007 - Home - E-Mail

Next ->

Aug. 3, 1998

I've had a hectic weekend, and I've just now sat down for the first time today. My best friend flew in for the weekend. He had some interviews on Friday, then we spent the rest of the weekend doing everything imaginable. On Sat. morning we got up early and went to breakfast. Then we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping at a local outlet mall. Once we'd finished shopping, we stopped for some ice cream and gas. When we got back to his hotel we spent the next several hours alternating between going into the jacuzzi and into the pool, then back into the jacuzzi again. I hadn't been in a jacuzzi in years, (even though my Dr. insists I have one). The warm water felt wonderful and it seemed to give me some short term relief from the intense pain I have daily. We finished off the evening by going out to dinner, then shooting three games of pool.

It's been years since I've played pool. Growing up, we had a regulation table in our Rec room and I'd gotten quite good. I hadn't attempted to shoot pool in the 3 yrs. I've been stuck in a wheelchair but I thought it sounded like fun. As it turned out, the wheelchair was much too low for me to hit the ball well, and I spent most of my time getting up and down in the chair to make shots. By the end of the 2cnd game I was whipped and in terrible pain, but we'd each won a game and I thought it would be good to break the tie. I think the only reason I won the last game was because Don took pitty on me. He knew I wasn't going to give in till the game was finished, and I know he let me win.

Sunday morning we went to breakfast, then drove to the airport. It gets harder and harder to watch him leave here. I seem to be at my happiest when he's around, and it's one of the few times I get to enjoy life a little. I know eventually he'll get a job here and we'll never have to say goodbye again. Until then it breaks my heart to watch him leave.

Yesterday my brother Jim and his wife and 3 kids showed up from Pa. I hadn't seen any of them in over a year. We've had such a great visit, and it seems that I'm constantly on the run anymore. We spent an hour this morning at a local go cart track. Each of us adults had a kid riding with us. I drew JR and he and I ended up beating everyone on the race track. I had such a great time, but boy have I paid for it the rest of the day. The pain has been unbearable, but at least I had fun getting it! Tomorrow I hope to stay home and get some much needed rest.

Aug. 4, 1998

There is nothing I enjoy more than being awoken by the telephone. Especially when the call is not an important one. I guess riding in the go cart yesterday was not a good idea after all. Today the pain has been unbearable. I'd gone back to bed around noon, and would be sleeping now if the phone hadn't woken me up. Although I'm still incredibly tired, and I'm still not able to sit without tons of pain, I guess I'll remain awake for now.

I've kind of felt like the Energizer Bunny, I've been going and going and going for so long that my batteries have totally worn out. It's been so long since I've had the opportunity to enjoy life that I forget how strenuous it is on me to do more than my normal. It's not easy for me to say, "okay I've done enough let's take a break now". Especially when I'm having such a good time. After 20 years of being ill with FMS you'd think I'd realize what my limititations are. Maybe I do realize what my limitations are, maybe I just don't want to accept them. I forget that I'm not normal, and I forget that I'm not able to keep up the pace of someone who is normal.

It's never been easy for me to assume the roll of a spectator. I grew up in a family of "doers" not "watchers". When I was able to, I was always very involved in activities that required motion. As a kid my brothers and I would play football, basketball, I was on a volleyball team for a number of years. I had always been very active and engaged in sports whenever possible. For 20 years I've watched others enjoying themselves. I've sat along the sidelines of life as other people engaged in the activities I longed to do. I know that the people who love me don't hold my inactivity against me, the thing is, I hold it against me.

Now, when I'm at the crossroads to a new and different life, I want to enjoy all of the things I've missed. Unfortunately I have to remember that I'm not normal, and most of the things I miss the most require things I no longer possess. Things like strength, stamina, being able to do things without pain, etc. Someday I guess I'll come to realize that my life as I know it, is as good as it's ever going to get. I'll have to be satisfied with watching, and not participating.

Aug. 6, 1998

Yesterday was the last day of my brother's vacation. We went to lunch, then bought some bait so the kids could fish and headed for the lake. The weather had turned a little warmer, but it was still comfortable in the shade. I'd opted to walk to the water's edge instead of using my wheelchair. Mainly because it's a steep hill and it's difficult going back up, even with a strong man pushing me. Since I didn't have my wheelchair I also had no place to sit. I'd tried sitting at a picnic table but after a few short minutes I was in agony. I then layed on the ground, but I wasn't able to find a comfortable position there either.

At 4 pm we all decided to return back to my Mom's. I was never so happy to leave the lake as I was yesterday. It took me a full half hour to walk the few feet back up the hill. By the time I had gotten to the top both my Mom and my brother were helping me walk. I was so out of breath from the walk, and so heated up from the exertion of trying to walk, that it took me several minutes before I was able to drive away.

Upon returning to my Mom's I collapsed into her bed and slept for a few hours. I was awoken for dinner and was still in agony trying to sit while I ate. As much as I hated leaving early I had no other choice, the pain was unbearable. I tearfully kissed all the kids goodbye and hugged everyone as much as I could stand it, then drove home. I didn't stay up for very long when I gingerly crawled into my bed.

Today I've alternated between sitting at the computer and sleeping in bed. It not only depresses me when I do something mundane and pay for it later, but I get so discouraged too. I seem to only get worse, and my life seems to revolve around my bed anymore. If I had some handsome stud to share my bed it wouldn't be that depressing....lol....however I don't. My levels of activity get lower and lower as time wears on. When I think back 20 years when I first aquired FMS I wasn't as bad as I thought at the time. I guess everything is relative. When I look back 20 years from now, I'll probably say...wow, there was actually a time I wasn't completely bedridden.

Aug. 8, 1998

I just finished reading a wonderful book, entitled "The Last Valentine". Since all I've been able to do for days is lay in bed, hoping for the pain to subside, I've had plenty of time to read. This book was about a love story. A love story with "thorns". I could never try to explain this book, it's one that has to be read to be completely understood. While I was reading this book I had many thoughts drift through my mind. I'm one of those people who always places themselves in movies I see, or books I read.

The premise of the book is that true love, or love of any kind, never comes without thorns. Love is a perfect rose. With roses come thorns. This made me think of all of the people I've loved in my life, and the thorns that came with that love. Eventually it was the thorns that tore at my skin so badly that I had to back away from the rose and never venture too close again.

Each time I see a perfect rose I want to reach out and hold it in my hands. Feel the softness of the petals against my cheek. Smell the heady aroma enveloping me. Just as I think I've found the most perfect rose I am stabbed by the thorns. Over and over I'm stabbed, until my flesh is torn and tattered and bleeding. My love for my friends is like the rose. I see a friend that I like, enjoy talking to, etc. and my feelings for them turn to love in time. Over and over throughout my life these friends have stabbed me. The thorns of the rose have drawn more blood than I can remember.

Each time I am stabbed by the thorns I recoil and vow never again to get too near the rose. The temptation of being loved seems too much for me to bear though, and in time I'm right back at it again. Allowing myself to get closer to the rose than is wise. I have wondered today, how many times is it going to take before I never near a rose again? How many times can a heart be broken beyond repair? Today my heart is severely cracked and I seriously wonder if it will ever be the same again. All I can do is get on my knees and thank the dear Lord for the one perfect rose I've found, the rose I can hold close to my heart, and know that this rose comes with no thorns.

Aug. 16, 1998

This has been a long, tiring, painful week for me. I can't remember when my FMS and CFS have hit me as bad as they have lately. It's not unusual for me to have a few very severe days, but it is unusual for me to have them last this long. I spend most of my days lying in bed trying to get into a possition that doesn't feel too painful. I spend my nights trying to keep up with my mail. By the time I've finished my mail I'm exhausted and in horrible pain again. I'm not able to sit up for very long, so I've just not felt well enough to update my happenings. For that I apologize. I know I have alot of people out there that ready my entries faithfully and I'm sorry if I've let any of you down at all.

Wednesday night we put our house up for sale. It's been a long struggle to fix the little things that needed fixing, and to spruce up the house in order to sell. At first I felt very sad. We've both put so much into this house, and I had hoped to always live here. But realistically it's way too big for me to handle alone, and I'll probably be just as happy, if not happier in a small apartment of my own. I guess the one thing that keeps nagging at me is the fact this was our first home, and will I ever have a home again?

Thursday I had the nicest surprise. My door bell rang at 10 am with a dozen roses staring me in the face. I can't remember the last time anyone has given me real flowers. I knew then what I should have known all along, that I am loved and worried over. It's so nice to know that there are people out there that really do care. Clem and Pat, thank you for making my day!

Friday night the doorbell rang, when I answered the door two women were standing there. They explained that one of them had just moved in up the street, and the other was looking for a house to buy in our neighborhood. They said they noticed the "For Sale" sign in the yard and wondered if they could look through the house. I didn't really know what the protocol is on this sort of thing since we've listed it with a realtor, but I did know I didn't want to say no to a potential buyer! We showed them both through every part of the house. Pointing out little things like the ceramic tile floors in the bathrooms, etc. There was nothing about our house this woman didn't like, she didn't even flinch at our asking price. When she left I gave her the realtor's card and she said she'd be calling her.

Yesterday I'd awoken to the phone ringing. I answered it and was asked if it would be possible for another realtor to bring people through the house from 10:30-11:30 am. I quickly looked at the clock and saw that it said 9:45 am. Within 20 minutes I had the house tidied up, my face washed and some make-up on. (anyone that knows me can tell you I never leave the house without it! lol) I'd also gone through the house with my can of nature's scents, trying to eradicate the smell of cigarette smoke. Just as I was getting ready to get out Pres came home. He'd been out shopping for a going away picnic later in the day. So he and Jack and I piled in my car and went to McDonald's for breakfast. After breakfast, we drove to a nearby park. As Pres and Jack walked around I sat in the car, parked in the shade, and prayed for a breeze.

I'm hoping that one of the people who've already seen the house will make an offer. I hate to think I'll have to stay here for months on end before it sells. I'm anxious to get my life going again. Now that I've come to terms with all of the changes in my life, I'm ready to move forward.

Aug. 19, 1998

Well, we got the first offer on our house. The money wasn't too bad, but the people wanted us to wait at least a month for them to get their house on the market. I just laughed at this request. It seems to me, if you're interested in selling your home and buying a new one, you'd have already put it on the market! Or at least be in the process of doing so. We have only had our house on the market a week today, I'm in no hurry to take an offer such as that one.

One nice thing about having this house in spotless condition is that when I have company coming I don't have the mad rush to make things look nice. (lol) My friend Don is coming Friday to visit and spend a week in town. He has an interview for the following Monday morning at a local hospital. I sure hope this works out for him. I can't explain what it's been like for me to have a friend like him. We are so much alike it's scary at times. He can read my mind and I know what he is thinking as well. We both grew up in the same type of household, with the same interests. I find that when I spend time with him I feel so at peace with myself.

One of Don's best qualities is his ability to calm me and make me feel a little more hopeful about my health and my future. I know with him I have a strong ally against my FMS & my CFS. Lately I've been in such bad shape. I am in pain all over my body 24 hrs a day. I sleep 2 hours at the most at night, and very rarely during the day. I guess it's not unusual that I've been so depressed the last few days. The last time I had a major set back with my FMS I never got better. I just seemed to stay the same. Now I fear this has happened to me again.

I was able to walk a very short distance with my cane. Now even the cane isn't enough. If everyplace was handicapped accessible I wouldn't worry so much. But they aren't! On average, the only stores that are accessible in a wheelchair are grocery stores, and some major department stores. Even some of these stores have very narrow isles that are crammed with merchandise, making it impossible for a wheelchair to pass through. Very soon I am going to be completely on my own. I will need to be able to get out of my apartment and do things for myself more than I have. I'm also going to have to look into getting a walker for the times when a wheelchair isn't practical. This seems to get more depressing for me as time goes on.

Next ->