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I've been going through a rough time of it lately, so I've not been online much to write in my journal. Just when I thought it couldn't possibly get much worse, it did. I've been having some personal problems, as well as a real FMS/CFS flare that has left me very depressed. Saturday night I went into the Fibromyalgia chat room to see if I could find someone to talk to. I waited my turn and was DCC'd by one of the administrators of the channel. I'd told him I had some problems that I needed to talk out. I was told that he didn't have the time, that he other problems of his own. I apologized for bothering him, and left. Last night I'd mentioned to a friend of mine, how I was surprised at the treatment I'd received. He wasn't in a very generous mood and wanted me to erase the Fibromyalgia website, since I was the one that created it FREE for them. I told him that I couldn't do that. I also told him that revenge rarely serves any purpose. It wasn't 10 minutes later whn I received a STEAMING letter from the wife of the administrator I'd talked to Sat. night. She called me various names, which I can't print here, and topped it all off by calling me a liar. To say I was shocked was an understatement. This was a woman I'd considered a friend. There was no use trying to explain the situation, she wasn't about to listen to me. I finally had to put her on "ignore" in ICQ just so she would get off my back. I decided then, it was time I sent a letter to the other hosts in Fibro to let them know what was going on, and to tell my side of the story. I've received a few very supportive letters, and I'm glad to see they haven't been able to poison everyone against me in there. I've lost track of how many times I've been deeply hurt by people online who claimed to be my friends. In fact, this weekend I did alot of soul searching, and crying, asking myself if I even wanted to be online anymore. I still haven't come to a firm decision yet. I guess it all depends on how the next few days pan out. At this point in time, I feel like erasing my websites, and just walking away from it all.   Lately I've met a few new people online, and they've been an enormous help to me. I've met two men in particular that have helped keep me going the last few weeks. One is Ken, and the other is James. Ken has spent his fair share of evenings trying to make me smile. I'm just thankful that I met him when I was in a good mood, otherwise I'm sure he'd be wondering why he hangs around. (lol) He's a very warm, and considerate guy, and I consider him a very good friend. The other man is James. Although he and I don't get much chance to talk online, when we do, he helps me to forget my troubles. Both of these men are very special to me, and I want to thank them for putting up with me lately. Yesterday I got my hair cut. Although I'd only intended to get a trim, when it was all said and done, I had little hair left. Over the course of the day, I'd come to really like this new look for me. Somehow I don't think Preston liked it though. I'm sure eventually it'll grow on him. : ) I know some women that won't do a thing to their hair without their husbands approval. I've NEVER been one of those. I feel what I do to my hair is MY decision, no one elses. After all, I'm the one that has to do it daily...right? Pres has seen my hair any number of different ways over the last 11 yrs. of our marriage. Anything from purple, to one side shaved off, while the other side is long. Back when I was doing hair, I'd adopt whatever style was new at the time, and what ever color looked the most bizarre. Since I've not done hair professionally in many years, I've lost track of what's in style. Preston and I spent the day at his folks house yesterday. Although it was chilly, the sun was out, and it was a lovely drive. It normally takes us a little over an hour to reach his folks house. Once we had gotten there, I got in my favorite chair and setteled in for the day. His Mom and I had a nice conversation about what's wrong with the world. (LOL) Since I'm what is termed a "Liberal", and she is too, we usually have some interesting chats. We had a wonderful meal at noon, followed by home made cinnamon rolls and coffee around 4 pm. I'd taken a book I've been reading with me and I tried to read as much as possible. It never fails, once we get to his folk's house I end up fighting the desire to sleep. I guess it's the fact that they live out in the middle of nowhere, and it's so quiet and peaceful there. As usual, we'd lost track of the time, and it was already beginning to get dark by the time we got ready to come home. I'd looked out in his parent's field and noticed some deer out there. I think we counted about 7-10 of them before they turned tail and ran off into the woods. Pres' parents are one of the few land owners in their area that haven't cut down their woods and sold off their timber. So, quite naturally, they have lots of wildlife living on their acreage. It's not at all unusual to see deer and wild turkeys in the field behind the house. We'd gotten home around 7 pm, and after taking care of Jack, I got online for the evening. I had a really nice chat with my friend Ken. He's a very sweet guy, and he's put in alot of time with me lately. I'm always amazed at how quickly my mood can change. One minute I can be happy and laughing, the next I'm sitting here weeping into the keyboard. I'm sure there aren't many people that can put up with that for long. Ken has been one person that has been alot of help though. Today has been spent doing the usual things, calling my Mom, and hanging out online. Since I got very little sleep last night, due to our heat continually shutting off, I'll probably lie down and take a nap at some point. After talking to my Mom, I got to work on my FMS website. Since I've now been diagnosed with CFIDS too, I thought it only necessary to add that information as well. I worked for quite some time, compiling the information, then putting it on my website. I'd no more than finished, when I got a call from my new friend James. We spent most of the afternoon talking to each other. Since he works nights, I've been able to see him most every afternoon. Today was no different than any other day. Talking to him really cheered me up. Shortly after we'd finished talking, I decided to go back to bed and take a nap. I've since woken up again, and have gotten my dinner ready. Since the weather was bad here yesterday, I was home at noon, and had to cook. Today being my day off, I'm cooking again. (yuk) Preston told me last night if I could cook tonight, I'd be off the hook for the rest of the week. Tomorrow night is the Michelin Christmas party. This year it's being held at one of the better resteraunts in town. So, if nothing else, we'll have an excellent meal (that I don't have to cook!). Thursday, Preston is going out of town, so that means warmed up soup for me. Since he isn't due home until late Friday evening (IF he can get out of the northeast ok), so that means another night of warmed up soup. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll REALLY splurge and have cerial instead! (lol) The weekend looks fairly busy as well. We are planning a trip to Atlanta to attend a Gem & Mineral show. This is THE best place to buy jewelry!! The quality is that of the better jewelry stores, with prices more like Wal-Mart. : ) I'm hoping my Mom can find something she'd like for her Christmas present. Another thing I'm hoping is that I can hold out with all this activity. Lately, just doing the simplest things has landed me in bed. Luckily we were able to sit at a table with some fun people last night. Of all the people in Pres' department that I like, most were at our table. There is one couple, the husband used to work with Preston. Both he and his wife are so sweet, and whenever they see me they go out of their way to speak. Last night the wife (her name escapes me) came over and commented on how good I looked. she said, "the last time I saw you, you looked like you were in terrible pain". I'd told her that the last time she'd seen me, I was attempting to walk, not a real good idea as it turned out. Since then I've not been able to walk outside the house. I think that was the last time I was able to walk in public, and that was almost a year ago now. When I'm nervous, and out in a social situation I drink...ALOT. Thank god I gave up alcohol years ago, I would have been a few fries short of a Happy Meal otherwise. As it was, I'd drank 6 glasses of Pepsi, and the caffeine in the Pepsi not only made me all the more nervous, but made me HAVE to use the restroom. Since the restaurant we'd gone to seemed to be wheelchair accessible, I'd assumed the bathrooms would be also. Guess again. As it turned out, there were steps, LOTS of them. So, I had Pres wheel me into the bar, where I could smoke. I tried to get my nicotine levels back up so I could face the rest of the evening. Although my food tasted good as I was eating it, I spent the remainder of the night being sick. I'm not sure if the Salmon I ordered was laced with garlic, (which makes me violently ill), or if it was just the IBS attacking me again. Either way, it wasn't a very pleasant evening. Well, it's almost 9:30 am, and time for me to get a shower and drive Pres to the airport. After that, I hope to mail out a few more Christmas presents, get the oil changed in my car, and drive to my Mother's for dinner. What I would like to do is to crawl back into bed, and sleep until tomorrow when I can pick Pres back up at that airport. But then again, when do we EVER get what we want?? The afternoon was spent playing one mindless game after another, until it was time to go out to dinner. Dinner was sposed to be a nice hot sub, but with the traffic and going to get my Mom a pizza, it turned out to be a cold cub. To make matters worse, the Coke was flat..naturally. So, after dinner I made my excuses, and headed for home. Since it was well past rush hour I didn't have too much traffic to deal with. Things were starting to look up, then I got behind this OLD woman. We came to an intersection with a traffic signal, and she was afraid to make her left hand turn. SO, we got to sit through not one...not two....but THREE red lights while she gets her nerve up to make her turn. I swear to god, I though I was gonna burst a blood vessel right there on the spot! Anyone that knows me, knows patience is NOT one of my virtues (that is IF I have any! lol). The rest of the drive home was uneventfull, thank god. I'd spent a few minutes doing e-mail when I got a call from James. That made my night! He always has a way of making me smile and forget I was upset about anything. Although our chat was brief, it was very pleasant. I'd gotten my e-mail done and started out to the airport to pick Preston up. I was running late, so once I got in the car I put the pedal to the floor. Traffic out on the Interstate was very light, and I was able to cruise along at about 80 mph. I'd made the half hour trip to the airport in less than 20 minutes and was actually running ahead of schedule. I found a parking spot, and dragged the wheelchair out of the trunk and it set up. The distance from the parking garage to the gate my husband was coming in at was quite a way, and I remembered thinking what a relief it was going to be not to have to push myself back to the car. I got to the gate only to find out the plane was delayed. A half hour later the plane landed and I jockeyed for a position where I could see Pres coming up the ramp. Naturally, at this point, everyone there stood right in my line of vision. When you're sitting in a wheelchair, it doesn't take much to block your view. I sat there and waited and waited...and waited some more. The next thing I knew, the flight crew walks past me. This is NOT a good sign. I rolled over to the desk and asked if that was all of the passengers, the lady looks at me like I'm nuts and says, yup...that's it. I said, um...excuse me, my husband was sposed to be on that flight. Could you possibly tell me what might have happened? She gives me this painful expresion and starts punching into the computer. After a few minutes she says, Ma'am, he missed his connection into Atlanta. Then she starts to just turn away. I said, EXCUSE ME.....can you tell me if he's scheduled to fly back tomorrow???? Again, the painful expression, and again more typing into the computer. She tells me he is scheduled to fly into the airport tomorrow at 7 AM. I'm not quite sure how I made it back to the car, but I did (otherwise I wouldn't be writing this now, would I?). I drove home. When I walked in the door I noticed I had a message on the machine. It was Pres. He explained the lost connection, and said that he and his boss were renting a car and were going to drive home tonight. He also said that since neither of them had eaten dinner, they were going to stop for food first, then come home. It's past midnight now, and I'm not quite sure when to expect him. I know he is going to be beat, and I'll just be glad to see him home safe and sound. We woke up at 6 am this morning, got showers and got dressed, then started out for my Mother's house. We picked her up at 8 am and set out for the 2 hour drive to Atlanta. The traffic wasn't bad, and I was able to cruise along at about 80 mph. About 50 miles outside of Atlanta, Pres woke up and said he needed a biscuit. Since I hadn't had any breakfast either, we pulled into a McDonalds and grabbed some food. We got to the Gem & Mineral show around 10 am, and began rummaging around. I'd told my Mom that she was to pick out her Christmas present today. Pres took off looking for mineral specimins, while I found a dealer I knew. I spent some time talking to he and his wife, while my Mom shopped for her present. Pres and I go to all the shows in Ga., N.C., and S.C., and we've made friends with a few of the dealers at these shows. My Mom eventually found a pretty Garnet pin, and a Marcasite watch that she liked. I tried to talk her into picking out some other things since the price on these two items was less than $50, but she said that was all she wanted. Personally, I didn't see anything today that I didn't feel I could live without. Once we'd seen the show, we decided to find a palce to have dinner. We drove in to Buckhead looking for a good restaurant. After driving around a bit, we found one that looked good. As it turned out, it was good. After dinner, we got back on the interstate and headed for home. I'd been able to drive about 80-85 mph most of the way back. What normally takes 2 hours, was cut down to a little over an hour, not bad huh? (lol) After we'd gotten back to my Mom's she suggested Pres and I open our Christmas gifts from her. Well that didn't take much effort on her part. : ) I really hit the jackpot. She'd bought me a gorgeous rose colored outfit, plus ear rings, a candle set she had painted for me, a fancy compact for make-up, and a gorgeous silver tea set (something I've ALWAYS wanted!). Pres also got some really nice things. We hung around her house until about 6 pm, and drove home to feed Jack and let him out. Although the traffic was murder, and the crouds were even worse, and the fact that I had a total of 16 panic attacks, I still had a nice day. Just remind me NEVER to go near Atlanta anytime near Christmas! (lol) I got a phone call from my friend Kenny on Tuesday. We had a nice talk, and as usual he kept me in stitches. We've made plans to have lunch together today. It's funny, I've lived in Greenville for 8 years (next week), and I've only made one friend in town. Kind of a sad commentary on the friendliness of some of the people here, or lack of. I've been trying to psych myself up for Monday. Preston, my Mom and I are flying to Florida to spend a week with my oldest brother and his family. I've been on a plane exactly once, and I'm not really looking forward to this flight. I'm hoping the weather will cooperate, and it'll be a good trip. I'm going to miss my online friends, and I'm hoping I can talk Mark into getting ICQ so I can keep in touch with a few of them. Well, it is now official, I am not eligable for any Social Security benifits. ASSHOLES! Pardon my language here, but I have bent over backwards to satisfy these people and I can tell they devoted no more than ten minutes to my case. They claim at the SSA that I didn't give them sufficient proof of my disability. WHAT!? I guess the fact that I'm stuck in this damn wheelchair full time, or the fact that I no longer can do ANY of the things I was able to do just 8 short years ago makes no difference to them. Well excuuuuse me! It makes a GREAT deal of difference to me, and guess what? They haven't heard the last from me. That, I can promise you!!! I got on the phone Friday and called a lawyer. I told him of my problems and he told me he couldn't help me. Apparently, what no one ever bothered to tell me, is that there is some sort of time limit involved with applying for disability? My denial said that I hadn't been able to prove I have been disabled for the last 4 years. From what I read, had I applied for disability 4 years ago, I would have gotten it. I'm not a quitter, as 19 years living with FMS has proved, and I'll be damned if I'm going to take this lying down. There has to be something I can do, someone that will help me, and I won't give up until I win! Yesterday we spent the day with my husband's family. We celebrated an early Christmas together since Pres and my Mom and I are leaving tomorrow for a week in Florida. we had a very enjoyable day, and I think his family liked the gifts I had made, and the ones we had purchased for them. Today has been spent catching up on my mail, calling my Mom, and talking to my oldest brother on the telephone. I got thinking this morning that I'd better warn him what all was involved with picking us up at the airport. between the three of us, there will also be three bags, and my wheelchair. I wanted to make sure he'd have enough room in his car to put us all. I guess the game plan is to drive 2 vehicles, this way we can all sit in the car, and the luggage and wheelchair can ride in the back of his pick-up truck. As much as I am looking forward to seeing my brother and his family over Christmas, I am not looking forward to the flight. I really wish my days of driving 12 hours weren't over. I'd much rather have my own car, and not have to trust a total stranger with my life. I've always had a real thing about being in control, and allowing someone else to do the driving is bad enough, without entrusting my life to someone I don't know at an altitude of 30 thousand feet! (lol) I guess it's time to get some packing done. I wish all of you out there the merriest of holidays, and I shall return December 29th (providing all goes well). | ||||||||||||
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