As Misty's World Turns - December 1998


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Dec. 3, 1997

Our lives are filled with decisions. From the moment we wake up in the morning, till the moment we crawl back in to bed at night, our life is one decision making process after another. Some of these decisions are as simple as what we will wear today. Other decisions are much more difficult to make. For as long as I can remember I've been making difficult decisions. There's just no getting away from this. I guess the most difficult part of making decisions is that in the end, someone, and possibly everyone we know, can and will be hurt. I guess it's hard to make any decision without it affecting those we love.

I've often thought if I'd known what I know today, would I have made the same decisions in the past. Probably not. I guess the whole purpose of experiences are to prepare us for the decisions of tomorrow. We take the experiences we've lived through and try to relate them to our future. It's like living the old adage "it's a wise man that learns from his own mistakes, and an even wiser man that learns from the mistakes of others".

Im shaping my future life alone I've had to make all kinds of decisions. Where I will live, how I will live, everything that involves my life has had to undergo careful thought. Looking back on my life and past decisions I've noticed that I didn't make the right choices after all. Let's face it, I jumped at marriage long before I fully knew what it involved. I was so alone that I chose having anyone, whether we were really suited to each other or not, rather than the idea of spending my life alone.

I know now that there is alot more at stake in a marriage than just being together. You have to have something in common. You have to have simular ways of thinking, and agree on certain basic principals. When it comes to the important decisions in life you must agree, choices that involve children, family, careers, etc. I used to think that love alone would get me through. That if I loved the man enough I could overcome anything. As nice as this sounds, it's not too practical. And I know this for a fact, I've already lived it once. And to be honest, I'm afraid to live it twice.

I have to know for a fact, with no doubts in my mind, that the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with will have the same thoughts about the major decisions in life as I do. We will have to agree that I will come first, no matter what. I guess to most of you this way of thinking seems selfish, maybe it is, but all I know is that I've spent many years of my life feeling as though I came dead last, I don't want to ever experience this feeling again.

Dec. 10, 1997

It's no wonder so many people commit suicide at this time of the year. Just the sheer stress of the holiday alone is enough to make you consider it, not to mention all of the problems we all try to juggle throughout the year. I've gotten to the point in my life where if I'm asked to juggle one more thing, it's all going to come crashing down around me. For years I've had to make all the decisions, handle all of the problems of a house, etc., as well as deal with FMS & CFIDS on a daily basis. Now on top of all of that, I have all the worries and decisions of a separation and divorce to go through, as well as trying to find somewhere to live.

I wasted a half hour of my morning interviewing an attorney to represent me in my upcoming separation and divorce. This man, in my opinion, was a total idiot. Not just an iddiot, but a "woman hater" on top of that. Thankfully the consultation was free, because I'd be damned if I'd pay to be treated like shit! So many times I've wondered if I made the wrong decision when I chose to throw out my sleeping pills and give life a shot.

It just seems to be more than I can handle anymore. I never in a million years thought I'd be going through all of this hell. Soon I'll be all alone, homeless not knowing where to go, and wondering how I'm ever going to survive financially. Yes, when I look upon my life now, I sure have made a royal mess. Maybe I had the right idea all along, just pop some pills and fall asleep.

Dec. 16, 1997

I found out a few days after I'd been to the last lawyer, that he was my husband's lawyer! Pres had stopped at the house a few nights after my appointment and saw how upset I was. When he asked me who the guy was, I told him his name. Pres stood there with this look of bewilderment on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he tells me..."he's MY attorney!". Then I really felt like shit. Especially when I think back to all I told this man, that can now be used against me.

I swear my life resembles a soap opera more and more every day. I am so sick of everything. Trying to find a decent lawyer, trying to find a place to live, wondering if I'm going to make it financially, wondering if moving to Florida is a good idea, wondering if anyone will ever find me attractive, and most of all....wondering why I just don't take the easy way out. My life sucks, and I'm sick of living it anymore.

Dec. 22, 1997

Well, I guess you could say my mood has improved a little. It would improve a whole lot if I could ever sell this house and have at least one thing in my life set in concrete. I'm not the type of person who thrives having my life upside down.

The last few days have been really nice for me. My niece, her husband, and their little girl (my great niece) have been staying with me. They arrived at 3:30 am Saturday morning. By the time we all went to bed it was 5:30 in the morning. We all slept on and off the rest of the day, then picked up my Mother and went out for dinner.

Sunday was spent shopping in one of the local stores in town, then a wonderful meal at my mom's house. In the last 3 days I've had probably 8 hours of sleep. It all caught up with me Monday. I was so tired I was physically sick. I layed down on my mom's bed and slept until dinner was ready.

Yesterday was spent doing more shopping since my niece is still trying to fill her Christmas list. Spending the last few days with all of them has been really nice. I've not had much chance to spend much time in the past with my great niece, so this week has been really nice for me. How I'd love to keep her here with me forever. She has the cutest little personality, and is so much fun to have around. For a little girl who doesn't turn 2 yrs old till next month, you'd think she was almost 3 yrs old.

Dec. 28, 1997

Well Christmas is over, and with the end of the holiday goes my family. Although my one brother and his family couldn't be here this year, it was still a pretty good week. I hated saying good bye to everyone Christmas night, but I guess all good things have to come to and end sooner or later. I have wonderful memories of us all sitting around the dining room table playing Michigan Rummy. Yelling out cards, amidst the throwing of pennies in the pot. Although I didn't come away the big winner, I'll always have my memories....at least for a few days 'till I forget. Damn this FMS at times. It robs you of so many things, but having my memories robbed is the hardest thing for me to deal with.

With the coming of the New Year comes the tradition of New Year's resolutions. Normally I don't make these. After all, how many of us ever keep them? But like one of my best friends mentioned to me the other day....it's a new year, and a start to a new life. So, I guess my resolutions will be simple ones.

To enjoy life to it's fullest.
Strive to wear a smile instead of a frown.
Try to find the good in everything that happens.
Surround myself with only happy, upbeat people.
Cherrish my loved ones, and the ones who love me.
Above all, put myself first on occasion.

I guess another thing that I will try to do is to come in here and share my thoughts more often. I recieve letters from many people who read my journal to see out how I'm doing. I feel like I've let these people down the last few months by my absence, I'll try to do better. All I can say is that I'm going to give this the best shot I can. That's all any of us can really do.

Dec. 30, 1997

Aren't y'all proud of me!? It's only been 2 days since my last entry instead of a week or more. I know I'm proud of me. (lol)

I think I'm begining to understand why I've been so slack in writing in here...my life is boring! (lol) Take today for example. I woke up at the crack of dawn, looked at the clock and said....the hell with this shit. (oops, I said a bad word) I then rolled over and slept until 11 am. When I woke up later I realized the sun was actually out! a rarity in S.C. in the winter Seeing the sun shining inspired me to bundle up, go outside, and tear down all of my Christmas decorations. Once I had these all down and in a box I opted to take a cigarette break. :)

After I called my Mom and assured her I was alive for yet another day, I got online to finish up some new backgrounds. I finished my Index page, and I also finished my Main page. I figured it was time to bid Christmas good-bye for another year.

Once I had my "work" done for the day, it was time to play! I went into the Won network and got into a couple of games of Spades. I was lucky that I wasn't the only nut case in there today. My partner and I lost miserably, but hey, we had one hell of a good time. Between the dirty jokes, (provided by me of course) and the other antics, the laughing in the card game was so loud I could almost hear it. After a few games of cards...where we actually won a game...I decided it was nap time. Since the holidays, I've been so tired that I've felt physicaly sick. My FMS and CFIDS sure have been working overtime lately.

So, I crawled into bed with my main man these days, (my dog Jack...lol)< and we were out in no time at all. I woke at 6:30 pm with Jack standing over top of me whining. He normally eats his dinner at 4 pm, so he was trying to tell me to get my fat butt outta bed and feed him. Once he was fed, watered and pooped, I got back online. A few mins later the phone rang. It was my oldest niece. We had a really nice talk. It's only been a few days since they left, and already I miss her and her family so much.

So, there you have it. My terribly exciting day! Now aren't you sorry I've decided to write more often??? (lol)

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