As Misty's World Turns - February 1998


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Feb. 1, 1998

In keeping with my tradition of dedicating a song each month to one of my friends, this month is dedicated to Don (from Pa.). The song playing is "Because You Loved Me". The reason I chose this song for Don was because of the lyrics. I don't remember them all (naturally), the one I do remember is.."you lifted me up when I was down..." It's no secret to my friends that these last few weeks have been pretty rough ones for me. I've been more depressed than I can ever remember. Night after night Don has stuck by me. Telling me silly things to get me to laugh. Listening to my fears, hopes and dreams. In short, being one hell of a friend. This song is for you Don, thank you so very much.

With a new month, hopefully comes a new attitude. All we can do is hope at least. It's amazing when I look back over the last 20 months I've spent online how very much I have learned. And I'm not talking about HTML coding or graphics either. I think I've learned who you can trust and who you can't. The main theme being people can't hurt you if you don't allow them. I've spent alot of time thinking about many different aspects of my life recently. I've been able to pinpoint various things that I've allowed to happen. One of them being allowing other people to affect how I feel about myself, and to hurt my feelings.

I think everyone is searching for something in life. My search has always been for friends that really care what happens to me. I guess it's only natural that when you find such a friend, you want to have more and more. What you need to remember is that such friends are rare, and very hard to come by. When you find such a friend, you should consider yourself *very* fortunate, and not continue to look for more. I have been very fortunate to have found not one, but 8 such friends. Each of my friends help me in their own special way. When I look back on these friendships I realize how very fortunte I have been.

Jausten & Jeannie are three women I have met online who have become very special to me. They have been here for me on countless occasions. Each one has helped me (more than they probably know) to become happier and to feel loved.

Jausten and I talk or message each other every day. She has spent her time and more importantly, her money, to listen to me, offer advice and comfort me, and just be *here* for me. Since we both suffer from FMS she has been invaluable to me. We also share an addiction for graphics and website design. She is my adopted sister, and I love her dearly.

Jeannie and I not only share FMS but CFIDS as well. When it comes to understanding that part of my life she too has become invaluable to me. But there is so much more to Jeannie than the fact that she has FMS & CFIDS. She is a warm caring woman who has a great head on her shoulders, as well as a heart of gold.

Dave C., Dave, Don (from PA), Harry, Ken are five men that I have been very fortunate to call "friend".

Dave C. is my friend of longest standing (19 months). Dave is an honest, caring person who has become indispensable to me. He is constantly on the look out for anything he thinks might help me in my battle with FMS/CFIDS. He spends enormous amounts of time listening to my problems and offering his advice. Dave has become a very special friend. I met him through Jausten, and I'm very glad I did. He has gone out of his way to offer his shoulder, and his heart. I would be hard pressed to find anyone more compassionate.

Don is a recent friend, although I feel like I've known him forever. In the last few weeks he has become indispensable to me. He has sat here night after night and tried his very best to cheer me up and get me out of my recent depression. The amazing thing is he succeeded! Because of Don I now am able to have a better outlook on life, and know that there *are* people out here that do care what becomes of me.

Harry and I have been friends for a long time. It never fails, when I'm most in need of Harry's help, he just pops in. Although we don't talk as often as some of my friends, that will never diminish my feelings for him as a friend. Last but certainly not least is Ken. What can I say about Ken? He is a wonderful, warm, compassionate man that I've come to think an awful lot of. He is a terrific listener, spending hours listening to me. He has also been a big help to me in just learning to deal with the brown stuff that hits the fan in my life.

Because of the efforts of these eight people I have not only come out of my depression, but more importantly, I want to go on now. I thank each and everyone of my friends for putting up with me and for caring enough about me to see me through the rough parts in my life.

Feb. 3, 1998

Try as I might, I never was able to get into GeoCities last night to do my entry. Oh well, I'm sure no one missed it that much. (lol) Yesterday was one of the better days I've experienced in a LONG time. I'd gotten home and saw that our mailbox was stuffed full. As I made my way up to the house I noticed that I'd received several things I'd been waiting for. One of the things I'd gotten was my Mom's birthday present. A few weeks ago I met the nicest man online, he has a book he's written that is a sequel to the movie "Somewhere In Time". Since both my Mom and I fell in love with the movie, I thought she'd really enjoy this book for her birthday. I sent him my order for the book. He then wrote me back and asked if I'd like the book autographed. I wrote back thanking him and told him it was for my Mom's birthday. Yesterday, I not only got HER book, but one for myself AND 2 copies of the music for the soundtrack!! (his novelette is being considered by Universal for a motion picture/made-for-tv movie.) What a really nice person. If you too are a big fan of "Somewhere In Time", you really should visit David Gurnee here and order your copy of "Memoirs Of Elise".

Another thing I'd been waiting for was a letter from my last employer. I'd e-mailed him the other day asking if he would write a letter stating what my physical condition was when I worked for him (1988-1989). He'd written a marvelous letter for me. I'm hoping that letter, along with the mountains of other stuff I've compiled will help in my appeal with the Soc. Sec. Admin. There's always hope!

Today is a miserable day outside. Rain, high winds, temps in th low to mid 30', just generally rotten out there. Like everyone else in South Carolina I'm getting *really* sick of rain. Over the last few months we've had very few non rainy days. The rivers are all over their banks, and we are still under more flood watches for the remainder of the week. I'm just really thankful we're not near one of the rivers.

Feb. 4, 1998

I'm begining to know how Noah must have felt. All it seems to do is rain here anymore. Whatever happened to sunny South Carolina???? This is definitely good "blow your head off" weather. Thankfully I've not been depressed now for a few days, despite this crumby weather.

I was quite relieved to drop off my package of reports and statements off at my lawyer's this morning. There is nothing more depressing that reading over and over how you have nothing to offer the workforce, and life in general when it comes right down to it. I'm begining to think the only way people really do get SSD is to show up in a coffin! (lol)

I was recently asked to participate in a newly developing website for people with FMS. The idea is to have a pic of yourself being a link back to your site. When I went in to check it out I noticed alot of "before FM" and "after FM" pics. What a great idea to get the point across just how much FMS does affect you. Since my Mom and I have been making memory books, I happened to have an old pic of me lying about. God, how that brought back memories. I was standing at the sink doing dishes. It's been *years* since I've been able to do that. I was SOoo skinny too. Then I sent one of my most recent ones. One of me (overweight as one Dr. described me), sitting in my wheelchair. It was almost impossible to tell that the two pics had been the same person once.

Feb. 5, 1998

I awoke to a ringing phone. Naturally, once I answered it, there was no one there. I just hate being woken early on the day I'd hoped to sleep in. My sleep paterns are almost non existant these days, a few hours sleep here and there is a big help. I got online to checked my mail. I finished off a few Blue Ribbon Awards and have settled in to play the rest of the day.

Yesterday I'd received a CD from my one friend Dave. It is the most beautiful piano music I've heard in quite some time. It's very soft, soothing, and relaxing, and just what I need to help me to unwind more. I spent the majority of the evening listening to it and enjoying it. It's little gifts like that from a friend that helps.

Another gift was a phone call from Don this morning. I'd taken another fall last night, and he was phoning to see that I was ok today. We'd been talking last night when it happened, and he was concerned about me today. It was a nice surprise to hear from him, I'd thought he was at work today. After a few minutes of impressing upon him the I *was* ok, we hung up and he went back to studying for an exam tonight.

It's those little random acts of kindnesses from other's that help us all get through the day to day garbage that makes up our lives.

Feb. 6, 1998

Lord...what a day. I should have known this was not gonna be a good one. As usual, I'd overslept. I had gotten 3 whole hours of sleep last night, and at 6 am this morning I felt like the walking dead. Jack got sick this morning, so I spent most of my morning outside with him. Once I'd gotten my coffee....I was already running late. I got my shower and got dressed and hit the road.

I'd gotten about 2 miles up the road when I passed a Sheriff's car coming towards me. Just as we saw each other his lights came on and he whipped his car in my direction. NOT a good start to anyone's morning. I pulled off the road, got my license and registration ready and rolled down the window. He asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over (because I'm cute? lol). I said probably becuase I was speeding? (duhh) He said yes Ma'am, you were going 67 mph in a 45 mph speed zone. (that sounded about right). I just closed my eyes and waited for the ticket. Just then he said you live at number xxx? I said yes...why? He said we're neighbors, I live down the street from you. (YES, there IS a God!) So, as luck would have it he said you know I could fine you up to $250 dollars AND 3 points off your license. I said yes, I suppose you could. He then said I don't want to be bothered with the paper work, drive slower next time. I couldn't believe my luck. I thanked him and was on my way.

The rest of the day was spent shopping. Something I absolutely hate. But, we did need some food in this house and it had finally stopped raining here. Once we got our shopping done we went home and worked on our memory books. It's been so much fun doing them. Not to mention all of the great memories that are associated with each of the pictures.

After dinner, I put away the 12 bags of meat, wrapped my Mom's birthday present, baked her a cake, put away 8 bags of groceries, dusted the house, and collapsed at the computer. Since we're having my Mom over tomorrow, I had to spruce this place up a bit. I'm looking forward to finding some good friends and spending the rest of the night in chat.

Feb. 9, 1998

As you can see from the lack of entries, I was pretty busy this weekend. Since tomorrow is my Mother's birthday, we had her over Saturday to celebrate. By the time I got online to check mail it was well after 11 pm. Sunday I spent the majority of the day working on a new website for my friend Don.

When I woke up today, I knew that Feb. 9th held some significance. I looked at the calendar and noticed that it was my nephew Michael's birthday. It's amazing to think that he is already 12 yrs old. Of all of my nieces and nephews, his birthday is the easiest for me to remember. You see, Preston and I had our first date the night before Mike was born.

It's times like these, when my nieces and nephews are growing up so fast, that I miss not living near any of them. I only see them an average of once a year. Sometimes it goes 2-3 years before I see some of them. I suppose if we could have children of our own it wouldn't upset me as much. Since we can't, my nieces and nephews are the closest thing we'll ever get to our own kids. I think the fact that today is Mike's birthday, coupled with the fact that we've been making memory books lately, has made me miss them all more than usual. Sitting at my Mom's and pouring over pictures of them all as they were born, and subsequent pictures of them growing has made me realize just how fast they really do grow up.

Feb. 11, 1998

I was so busy yesterday, I never had a chance to come in here and write my entry. I have three friends that I supply backgrounds and signs for. Between the three of them I'm usually kept pretty busy. I've just recently finished redoing all of their websites, so I was left with nothing to do yesterday.

I started out by adding some finishing touches to Don's new page. Then I spent the remainder of the day coming up with new backgrounds and signs for my "Misty's Window On The World". I think I've just about finished that website up. Now I'll start redoing everything on my "FMS/CFIDS" website I think, followed by my "Misty's Magical Designs" website, then last but not least...my journal pages. That should keep me out of trouble for a few days at least. (lol)

I had a really good time today at my Mom's. We've been making memory books and it's been so much fun. Not to mention *very* expensive! I had tons of old photos sitting in a box. I decided by putting them all in a memory book, not only would it give me something to do, but someplace other than a box for all the pictures. I started the book with pictures from when we were dating. Then added some of our wedding and honeymoon pictures. At this point in time I've gotten our first 3 apartments, pictures from when Pres was in Grad school, and vacation pictures. I'm quickly nearing the end of my pictures, and I'm dreading the day I finish this book, it's been so much fun.

Feb. 14, 1998

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I'd bought Preston a heart shaped box filled with candy. I'm ashamed to say I ate most of it. (lol) When I woke up this morning he was on the computer, as usual. I came in and gave him a big hug. He then followed me out to the kitchen. On the counter by the coffee maker was a huge foil covered pair of chocolate lips. I gave him the card I'd spent an hour choosing for him. He really liked it I think. He then looked frantically for the card he'd bought me, but he never was able to find it. I think in past years I would have been a little disapppointed, but I wasn't this morning. I told him that he shows me he loves me everyday, that it wasn't necessary to have a card as proof.

I think that's one thing that people seem to forget. If you truly love someone, it isn't necessary to *buy* anything. You can show your love for another person in so many different ways. Listening to them when they are in need of an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Being there for them when it's important. Making them laugh when they need it the most. And yes, telling them that they are loved, not just on Valentine's Day, but everyday. The greatest gift anyone can give is their heart and their understanding.

I've spent the last few days trying to get rid of a migraine. Thankfully I don't get them as often as I did when I was on medication, but when I do get them they last forever. My main problem has been to sleep in a comfortable position so both my head and my back feel ok. This I have found is impossible. It's either you sleep one way to relieve the migraine, or you sleep one way to relieve the pain in your back. It's not possible to do both. Although my migraine seems to be a little better today, it's still there. Kind of a constant reminder that something is not quite right. I know, I know, my friends would tell you I've never *been* quite right. (lol) This may very well be true too.

Feb. 15, 1998

We had a really nice time last night. Pres and I had decided to go out for dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day. After dinner we went to Service Merchandise to buy an espresso machine. Since we were in the mood for an espresso, and they were out of stock, we drove to Books A Million and had some espresso there. After our drink we wandered around the store for an hour or so. It's been ages since we've been out on a Saturday night...turning into a couple of old farts I guess. (lol)

After Pres went to bed I got online to finish off the face lift on my 4 websites. Now that I'm completly finished, I'm almost ready to start all over again. I need to get a life huh? (lol) I think eventually we'll have to go back out this afternoon. We're dangerously close to running out of food here. Looks like a trip to the grocery store is in order.

Feb. 17, 1998

Other than the fact that I was just having way too much fun talking to Don last night, I have no other excuse for not having an entry yesterday. Sometimes we need to do small things for ourselves, and by surrounding myself with positive, uplifting people, I'm doing just that.

Years ago I read a book, entitled "Magnificent Obsession". The premise of this book was how by helping our fellow man, we the one helping, is rewarded more than the one's we've helped. The main character in this book is a brain surgeon. His whole life has been spent doing deeds for others. Each time he was asked by the person he'd helped what they owed, he would respond that they had already paid, and he had already "used it up". He deeply believed that by helping other people it enriched his life and career. I was very young when I read this book, but I took it to heart. Later, I watched the movie and the remake of this movie.

Since then I have tried to do the same thing. I've recently been helping a certain woman. I've done a few things for her, some that she has asked of me, and others that she hasn't. Each time I do something for her, the joy from her almost knocks me over. She has asked over and over isn't there something she can do to repay me, but you see...I've already used it up.

Feb. 19, 1998

It never ceases to amaze me just how loving and caring people can be. I've come to depend on my friends for this, but not to accept it from people I really don't know. I'd spent the majority of my evening chatting with Don last night. There are few people that give me unconditional love, Don is one of them. We sit and chat for hours. Most of the time it seems like we've only spent a few short minutes together. After we'd hung up for the night I messaged Jausten. She could tell I needed to talk to someone and offered to phone me. Since she's phoned the last few times I picked up the phone and called her. (so much for promising Preston I'd limit my calls out of the country)

I have no idea how long we spoke on the phone, nor do I really care. There are few people in my life that I feel completly comfortable with. There are even fewer people that seem to be able to understand me completly. Jausten, Dave and Don are the ones that know me beter than anyone. They can tell when I'm happy, when I'm sad, and when I need to unload.

Once I'd hung up with Jausten I went into my mailbox and started answering mail. I'd gotten a letter from Clem. As I sat here (at 1:30 am) answering her it all seemed to just pour out of me. Normally once I finish a letter to someone I go back over it and proof it for spelling errors. I didn't last night. Probably because I knew if I did, I'd end up erasing the letter. It's not often that I unload on people I really don't know.

When I woke up today and got into my mailbox I saw Clem had written back to me. I sat here reading her letter and the tears just started falling. Part of me was ashamed for writing what I had, another part of me was happy I'd trusted the right person with my feelings. Normally when people write to me and say nice things I have a hard time believing them. Maybe the hours that Don has put in with me are finally sinking in, becaused I believed everything Clem wrote to me. To say I have low self esteem is an understatement. There was a time when I felt I had alot to offer someone. Since the onset of my FMS and of CFIDS I've begun to think I have little to offer anyone.

It's hard to go from being very active in sports, having a full time job, helping to take care of a sick parent, being able to dance and enjoy life....to end up doing none of the above. I've gone from being an independant woman to a woman that has to depend on others to do my shopping, my cleaning, and supporting me financially. For those reasons it's hard for me to see that there is anything I have to offer anyone else in this world. I'm beginning to think maybe what I can't offer physically, I can offer emotionally to other people. I'd like to think so at least.

Feb. 20, 1998

I have no idea how I have been able to do everything I've done today. I must be running on fumes, it's all I can come up with. I'd spent my evening talking to Don. At midnight we said our goodnights and he went offline. I sat here, not really tired enough to sleep, and decided to redo the background on my Hall of Fame pages....for like the 5th time in a week. I guess I'm satisfied now, or at least for a few days at least. At 2 am I decided to pull the plug on the computer and try to get some sleep. Every part of my body was in all out war with the rest of me. I could lay one way to relieve my shoulders, another to relieve my back, yet another to relieve my knees, but my feet were really killing me. I ended up on my back, with my slippers on and my feet on the top of the comforter. It was the only way to do it. Just the weight of the thin blanket and the comforter on my feet was enough to keep me in agony. Everytime I looked over at the clock it was about 30 minutes since the last time I'd looked at it. I eventually fell asleep at 5 am. The alarm went off at 5:45am.

I'm still not sure how I ever drove 30 miles to my mother's, or drove her another 40 miles to shop. While she shopped I took up my usual position in the car. We got back to her house around 1 pm and promptly sat down to work on our memory books. I ended up finishing mine today. While we'd been out this morning I had my Mom pick me up another book to do. Monday I guess I'll cronical our wedding, that should keep me busy and off the streets for a little while. (lol)

Feb. 23, 1998

I came in here yeaterday and wrote and entry. As I was reading it I decided it wasn't what I wanted to say after all, and I deleted it. There are times when I find it easier not to spend time thinking. Each of handles things in different ways. For me, if I don't dwell on things I feel better.

I've had a few things going through my mind lately. Some good things and some not so good things. If I spend my time thinking about them it drives me nuts. So, for the meantime I'm just going to try to focus on the positive things and hope the negative things work themselves out. Someone once told me.."change the things you can, and accept the things you can't". Good words to live by.

Feb. 25, 1998

It seems our lives continue to get more and more complicated. When I think I can't take anymore I sit down and reevaluate my life. I spent the whole day yesterday being both depressed and crying. I wanted to talk to someone, yet at the same time I didn't want to have to be sociable. I decided if I kept my mind busy I'd be happier, so I spent the entire day making graphics for my four websites.

By evening it was quite obvious something was very wrong. Preston thought he must have done something wrong, and asked me every half hour what he'd said or done wrong. I kept telling him he'd done nothing wrong, but he didn't seem to believe me. The same went for my friend Don. He too thought he'd said something to upset me. I told him that it wasn't anything he'd said or done. I also talked to my friend Dave last night. I hadn't talked to Dave in quite a while and I'd missed him. He sat and listened to me as I poured my guts out. He too, tried his level best to come up with some way to perk me up.

It wasn't until late last night that someone was able to get through to me. It was my best friend Jausten. She'd messaged me and said are you depressed too? To this I answered..."yup, spent the majority of the day in tears". We talked for the longest time, telling each other our problems and providing a much needed shoulder to cry on. When we'd finished talking I felt much better, and I think she did too. We'd formulated a plan of action, which is just what we needed. She and I are alike in that respect. We each need to know where our lives our heading for us to feel comfortable.

Waking to a warm sunny day was also a big help. The peacefull feeling I'd been able to achieve last night stayed with me all day. It helps that the plum trees are all in blossom, as are the daffodils and the violets. I even saw two flocks of geese heading north. The temperature got well into the 70's here today. My Mom had every door and window open at her house, and when I got home tonight I did the same thing. I guess when things get too much to handle for us, we need to step back, ask ourselves what is causing the problem, and try to fix it. Sometimes it's easy, other times it's not. The important thing is to try to achieve a feeling of peace and contentment with our life and our decisions.

Feb. 26, 1998

It's amazing the things I will do to talk to a friend. Waking up at 7 am on my day off isn't my idea of fun, but sometimes it just needs to be done. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd slept at all last night. I layed there with all of these thoughts going through my mind. It was like a film strip with all the choices I've made in my life being viewed one after the other.

I've often wondered how different my life would be today if I'd altered my decisions a few times, or even just once. I know some things would remain the same, like my FMS and the CFIDS. But there are so many choices we make in a lifetime. We never know at the time if they are the right ones or not. It's not until years later something makes us sit back and reexamine our decision. Sometimes we can say yes, I did the right thing. Other times we'll see it was a huge mistake. Then there are the times when maybe part of that previous decision was wise, just not all of it.

I've been able to see that alot of the decisions I've made in my life weren't real good ones. I remember when I graduated from high school..almost 20 yrs ago now. I'd written in my senior year book what my "goals" were going to be. I think my main problem might have been not setting high enough goals. It's so hard to know what you want to do with your life at the young age of 18. You've not even begun to experience all that life has to offer. So it's understandable that you aren't prepared to make decisions that will effect the rest of your life.

One pattern that I've seen repeated in my life is the ability of other's to persuade me to do what they want me to do. I guess this happens becuse I derive my happiness from those around me. If my friends and family members are happy, then I am. This is not a good way to live. You spend all of your time and energy making other's around you happy, by doing that you have no time for yourself.

When I was in high school I wanted to become a graphic artist. Art had always been a love of mine and when I was creating something it was one of the few times I felt utterly happy. I had a natural ability for drawing. When I finished high school I took classes from a man in my town. When my classes ended the difference in the quality of my work had changed dramatically. I told my parents that I wanted to attend an art school. I was persuaded to change my mind and enter cosmetology school instead. Doing hair seemd to be the natural choice at the time. It still gave me a creative outlet and for a time I was happy.

It's funny though how our lives seem to come full circle. Here it is almost 20 years later and what am I doing with my time? Creating graphics. A friend once said to me, you are a graphic artist now. Maybe so. Maybe what we need to make us a better person are the side roads we take in our life. Each experience seems to fortify us to go onto the next experience. I've always believed that things happen for a reason. You may not see them when they are happening, but years later it becomes quite clear. I remember saying this to my mother one day. She asked me what purpose there was in my father dying. I had already given this alot of thought so my answer came without any hesitation. I told her that for me, the whole experience made me a stronger person. Giving me the ability to deal with my own health problems. It also allowed me the chance to get to know my father on a completley different level than I otherwise would have.

I think the decisions I make today are and end result of all of my life experiences. I also know that once my decision is made, I can never turn back. I've yet to come up with a firm path to follow, but once that path is chosen, my life will again take a new course.

Feb. 28, 1998

It's amazing how quickly we can adjust to the "good life". I had to take Jack to the Vet's Thursday. Since Jack isn't allowed in the new car, I borrowed Preston's car. Pres had warned me that it might or might not start. When I got ready to leave the house it started just fine. It was a gorgeous day here. Sunny and warm. So warm that I had the windows down and the sunroof open. That's one thing I'd always missed about the new car, no sun roof.

Jack and I made it to the Vet's on time, and he had a pretty good check-up. We got back out to the parking lot, got in the car and there we sat. It wouldn't turn over. I kept thinking, if I just sit here a little bit the motor will start. I knew better, but there are just some things we don't want to face. Like the fact that I was going to have to make it back into the Vet's and call AAA to come to my rescue...AGAIN. As you might have guessed already, Pres's car is a Ford (also known as a piece of shit). I have lost count how many times I've had to call AAA to come help me along the road since we bought it new in '93.

I went back into the office borrowed the phone and dialed the AAA emergency number from memory. This in itself should tell you something, especially when you take into consideration I remember *nothing*. I gave the woman all the needed information and went back out to the car to wait....and wait....and wait some more. An hour later this man shows up to jump the battery. By this time I'd gotten blocked in and I'd wondered how he was going to reach my engine. As it turned out, he had a portable jumper and within 5 minutes I was on my way again.

The gas gage was showing less than a quarter tank. I still had about 20 miles to go before I got home. I knew if I stopped for gas I'd never get the car started again, so I just drove it home. We woke up to rain again yesterday, so I took Pres to work instead of making him fool with jumping the battery in the rain. This morning he is at Sears getting the car fixed. This little episode has made me appreciate my Chevy all the more!

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