As Misty's World Turns - February 1999


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Feb. 1, 1999

As I wake up this morning the temperatures are in the low 30's, with light freezing rain. Not a good day to go to my Mother's house as I'd planned. I'll wait till the sun comes up and see what the roads look like before I attempt the half hour drive to her house.

I got a call from Don last night letting me know that he'd arrived at home safely. It was so nice having him here for the weekend. He's always been one of a select few that can understand me. He knows when I'm happy, he knows when I'm sad, he knows what to say to cheer me up. He's one of the best friends I've ever had. I'm fortunate to have someone like him in my life.

I've always been in search of people to love me, understand me and be there to support me. For some reason I seem to have the worst luck with friendships. The people who I've considered to be friends have either ended up using me, ignoring me or not being there for me when I've needed them the most. For these reasons I've found myself narrowing my circle of friends, and being very certain the next person I allow into my heart deserves to be there. No one likes to feel as though they have been used, or feel as though they are not fully understood. But to be continually hurt takes it's toll on me.

I guess one of my (many) problems is that I trust people way too much. When someone tells me they are going to do something, I take it as gospel and count on it. Or when someone says they love me, I believe them. I need to be sure that when I have feelings of love for another person that this person truly deserves my love. I have been hurt far too many times to take words at face value. The next time I here "I love you" it will have to be said in more than mere words before I'll allow myself to be hurt yet again.

Feb. 2, 1999

As days go, this was a fairly good one. Although it was my scheduled day home, I'd promised my Mother to take her to an appointment at 3 pm. I'd also made a lunch date with my friend Kenny. Usually lunch with Kenny is filled with joke telling and hysterical laughter. Today was much more subdued.

Last week Kenny had been in an accident. Today he told me how he totaled a $90,000 tractor trailor along with doing $8,000 in damage to another tractor trailor. After I'd heard the whole story, I agreed with him that he was damned lucky to be a member of the living. He walked away with only a broken little finger. So instead of our normal joke telling, we just sat and realized how tenuous life really is. So many times we think there will be a tomorrow for us. We take everything for granted thinking that it will all be here for us tomorrow.

I've always been a big believer that when our number is up, that's it, we go on to meet our maker. That is, if we're lucky. If we're not lucky, we go on to a world far worse than anyone could imagine. I'm not what I'd call overly religious, in fact I don't even attend church, but I do believe in God. I also believe that we are set on this planet to live in harmony with others and with nature. I believe that all people are created equal. Reguardless of what our religious beliefs, sexual preferences, color or race may be. The bottom line is we are all living, breathing people, with feelings and the need for love, caring, and understanding.

I don't think any of us are put on this earth to judge other people, nor should we. In due time all people will face their own judgement day. It is then they will have to attone for how they have lived their lives and how they have treated their fellow man. I recently finished a book that was written about life after death. I found it very interesting. I also found myself hoping that the author knew what he was talking about.

In this book the author describes one part of heaven. He takes the words "in my Father's house there are many mansions" literally. He describes various stages of heaven and various stages of hell also. Until I'd read this book I'd never given much thought to what actually happens to you once you die. The author in this book describes his character as going through a type of pergatory. He is so in love with his wife, that he can't move forward. Eventually he finds himself in "Summerland", a stage of heaven.

When he gets there he is met by a guide. He finds out that each person is paired with a guide the day they are born. This guide helps them throughout life, and death. Since reading this book I've often wondered who my guide is. This book also went on to say that your date of death is determined the day you are born. The only way you can alter that date is by suicide. I finished this book several weeks ago, but I find myself thinking of it over and over. I try to sit back and analize my life as best I can. Have I done all I could for other people. Have I lived my life the way I should have, etc.

All these questions circulate throughout my mind. All I know is that we reap what we sow. I also believe that everything in life happens for a reason. The best we can do is to wake up in the morning with a smile, and try to find one good thing to be thankful for each day. I've found over the years that the less I dwell on my illneses, the better I feel. This is not to say FMS & CFIDS are psychosomatic illneses because they aren't, they are very real. But I do believe that how you view life effects how you feel inside. If you continually view life through pessimistic eyes, you will rarely be happy and content. Therefore I try to make the most out of each day I have. I also try to surround myself with positive, upbeat people.

Feb. 8, 1999

Did you ever have one of those days where all you wanted to do was to sit down and cry? I have those days alot anymore. Sometimes I try to figure out what is so upsetting to me. Other times it's almost mind boggling to think about. Most times I just give up finding a reason for my sorrow and my tears. I just try to live.

I feel numb alot of the time. I see things going on around me, but they don't touch a nerve, or trigger a response or feelings from me. It's almost like I'm not really there, but viewing my life from a vantage point far away. I can see people moving about me, I can hear their voices, but it's so removed from me that it no longer seems real.

The one emotion I can identify with most is confusion. My whole life seems like one gigantic mess. I don't know where I'll be living, where I'll get the help I need in my day to day activities, how I'll manage financially, or even if there is a special someone out there for me...someday.

I once met a special man, a very special man. He made me feel so loved, so wanted, and so needed. When I was with him I felt as if I could do anything, become anything. He made me feel normal and even made me feel sexy. He was probably the first person who really knew me. He knew my moods and how to react to them in a moments notice. He knew what I liked and disliked. He knew what I was thinking without my saying a word.

It's amazing how when you're in love, everything around you seems so new, so fresh, and filled with more hope than you've seen in a lifetime. When you're alone, you feel as though you are in the deepest pit of despair you'll ever experience. As strong as my love was for this man (and his for me), I knew we just weren't meant to be. Eventually he realized this too. Sometimes I feel the love we shared will be the only love I'll ever experience. If it is the only love I'll ever receive, at least I'll have my memories. These memories are something that will reside in my heart until the day I die.

I guess the one reason everything looks so bleak is that for so long I've felt unloved and betrayed by those who have claimed to have loved me the most. February, the month of Valentine's Day is upon us and everything seems void and empty to me. All hope that I once had about my life seems to have vanished. All that's left is a shell of a woman, facing each day as it comes, and wondering how much more there is until it's finally over.

Feb. 12, 1999

I'd like to think that things were looking up for me, but they aren't. There have been so many times that I've wanted to just delete this website along with all my others. I used to think I was providing some sort of service with my websites. Helping other people with constucting a website, helping people with FMS and CFIDS to know that what they are experiencing is normal, what they are feeling others are feeling too, etc.

But I find that I've been deluding myself. My impact on other people has been slight, if any at all. For this reason, and many personal reasons, I am taking a break from my websites. A great friend of mine has talked me into taking a much needed vacation from all of this, instead of just erasing 3 years of hard work.

When I will come back is unknown to me right now. As of this writing I really have no intentions of coming back, but maybe that will change. All I know is that I've given and given, and right now I need to sit back, regroup, and hope I'll change my mind and come back to my websites in the near future.

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