As Misty's World Turns - January 2002


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Jan. 1, 2002

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2002!!

It's official, it's now the start of a New Year. Let's hope for all our sakes, it's a better year than last year.

I've been sitting out on my back porch, watching the fireworks over the canal. I think everyone in south Florida is shooting off fireworks tonight. (lol) Huge billows of smoke, from spent rockets, waft across the sky. There are rockets exploding, fire crackers popping, cheers and laughter. Definitely a good way to start the New Year off, with laughter. May YOUR New Year be the biggest, and brightest ever. With good health, happiness, prosperity, and laughter for all.

Jan. 7, 2002

There are times when I feel so alone in the world. Sure I have people I can talk to about my problems, but there is no one who can help me. Everyone I know seems to be in the same position, one way or another. Most of the people I know have a way out though. They aren't trapped like me. I spend so much time trying to come up with some answers. Something to keep afloat. But nothing seems to help for very long. Mainly they're nothing more than little dams trying to hold back a rushing tide.

I've cut back on my medicine, trying to keep afloat. I used to take two different kinds of drugs a day for my FMS. In the last year I've had to quit the one medication because I could no longer afford to take it. I'm supposed to take three pills of the other drug I'm still on, but it costs me over $250 dollars a month to have the prescription filled. I've been trying to wean myself off the 3 pills a day to save money for the next refill. I noticed tonight when I took my one pill, that I only have 7 pills left. There is no money to get my medicine refilled until the first of the month. I don't know what I'll do when the 7 pills are gone.

I've cut back all spending that isn't a matter of life or death, and I'm still drowning. The only choices I have left are dropping my health care, and dropping other needed insurances. I keep trying anything else to avoid such drastic measures, but I'm rapidly running out of options. I can no longer afford the meager rent I pay my Mother to live with her. I need to see a doctor, I haven't been to one in over a year, but I can't afford the bill. I desperately need new eyeglasses, they haven't been changed in over 3 years, but I can't afford that either. Another major expence I can no longer afford is my dental care. I know I need at least 2 more root canals, and caps, but at $1500.00 for each one, that is now unattainable too.

If I were like normal people I could just go out and get myself a job. Anything, just to bring in some money. But I'm not normal, and I haven't been for a very long time. I'm not able to work. Hell, most of the time I'm not even able to do things for myself, much less something that requires strength, energy, and the ability to walk and use my body. I remember when I was fighting to get Social Security Disabilty. The things I had to do, the humility I had to endure, just to prove I wasn't able to do any type of work to support myself. I remember joking with a girl friend, who also has FMS, that the only thing I could possibly do was lay on my back. And the only job I knew of that required that skill was illegal.

When I think of all the things I put myself through to get disability, it seems so useless. I remember thinking it would be a way for me to support myself, and allow me to get out of my marriage. What a joke that turned out to be. What I'd like to know, is how anyone is expected to live on $500 a month. Or better yet, I'd like to see some of those people at the Social Security Administration live on $500 a month. Sure I get alimony, but it's long ago stopped being enough for me to live on. My bills for 2 type of medications ate up most of the alimony, and what was left helped to pay for my car insurance. I still have medical insurance, rent, phone, gas, car repair, etc. to pay monthly. I'd play the lottery if I thought I could afford the dollar ticket once a week.

I don't know where to turn next. My health is going down the tubes now that I'm not taking the one drug, and now that I've gotten down to 1 pill a day of the other, instead of the 3 I'm supposed to take. Not to mention my prescription runs out very soon, and a trip to the doctor is out. I can't eat anything hard or cold because of the need for root canal, and still my mouth aches constantly. I can't continue to stiff my Mom on rent money, she needs the money I give her to run the house. If I thought someone would be interested in a middle aged woman in a wheelchair who's over weight I'd work the streets. But I'm sure I'd wind up still broke at the end of the night.

January 9, 2002

I've been on the computer now for over 6 years. It wasn't until I got "online", that I began meeting other FM'ers. I'm still surprised how much we are all alike, and how our stories are so simular. Most people can't understand what our lives are like. I'm 41 years old, and I've had FMS for the last 23 years...more than 1/2 my life now. For me, it's hard to remember what it was like "before". It seems like I've spent most of my life fighting for a diagnosis, then recognition, and finally acceptance and support. Half of my family members thought I was "doing this for attention"....and of the other half of my family, none of them really understand completely what it's like.

I had a girlfriend once, also an FM'er, who said she sometimes wished she had cancer. Her feeling was that cancer commanded the respect and support from friends and family that no other illness had. In the early years I used to feel like that too. But as time has passed, and I've learned more about myself, I realize what other people say really doesn't mean anything to me. Other people's ignorance is not my problem, and wether they believe me or not is of no concern to me....not anymore. Once I came to that conclusion, things seemed easier for me to deal with. Kind of like when I finally made peace with having FMS to begin with. It took me many, many years to come to terms with it, but once I did, I almost felt relieved.

We all deal with things in different ways, that's what makes us all special. For me, giving up hope for a recovery was what gave me the most peace in my life. The hoping was tearing me apart, and making my life even worse. I've also done the same thing with finding "Mr. Right". Now that I can honestly say I've given up the hope of finding him, I'm finally at peace with myself. I hope you're able to find that peace for yourself.

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