As Misty's World Turns


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June 5, 2001

I've just finished watching the video "Girl Interrupted". What a powerful story, and one I can identify with completely. I remember a time, not that long ago really, when I wanted to die, when I wondered if I was sane or crazy, when I felt totally misunderstood. Without even knowing it consciencely, I was being self destructive to my body. I was living in a world that seemed completely alien to me.

I remember not wanting to leave my apartment. Ever. Looking back now, I can see how upside down my life was then, and how misunderstood I was. In the span of one short year I'd gone through 4 major life changes. I'd lost my father, I'd married, and I'd moved out of state. I was also working at a totally new career, in a field I knew nothing about. I was wound up tighter than a spring.

All the while, I was afraid if I told someone exactly how I was feeling, they'd put me away. Never before have I told anyone exactly what was going through my mind at the time. I guess I stayed silent because I had no one to talk to then. My mother was still grieving over the loss of my father. And to be honest, I was afraid she'd think I was crazy. My ex-husband was so absorbed with Graduate school (and himself), there were times when I wondered if he even knew I was there. This was something I was later going to find as a constant in our marriage.

Somehow, despite feeling all alone in the world, I was able to put the pieces back together again. At least to the point where I could leave my apartment in relative ease. Looking back on that time now, I can see how little by little I was able to get through the darkness of depression, and self hate. When I think about my relationship with my ex-husband, I wonder how we ever made it to 13 years of marriage. Ok, technically it was 12 years, the last year we were separated. I wonder if he ever really understood what made me tick.

Thankfully there were 2 people that came into my life just when I needed help the most. My doctor, and my friend Don. Without these two men I have no doubt that I would be a granite marker with a name and date. I realize now that life is a revolving entity. Like the saying goes..."what you survive today, only makes you stronger for tomorrow".

June 27, 2001

What a month this has turned out to be for me. This is the first time in weeks that I've had my computer working! Several weeks ago I came home to find that my hard drive had gotten fried. That was also the same day that my car had a near death experience, and also the same week that my wisdom tooth began throbbing.

Thankfully I had the foresight to buy an extended warrantee for my computer! Instead of paying around $600 to fix my computer, it was all done for free! I just wish I could say the same about my car. $622.00 later it still isn't fixed. It sat in the dealership all day today, and likely will sit there all day tomorrow as well. Oh how I wish I could afford a new car!!!!

As for my wisdom tooth all I can say is thank God for pain meds. I've been going through my pain meds like candy for the last week and a half. Naturally, in the 21st Century there is no such thing as a Dentist who will pull a tooth. Nooo, you must go to and Oral Surgeon for a tooth to be pulled. I'm on a waiting list, and have been for a week and a half, to see an Oral Surgeon. In the meantime the pain is out of sight, and not only does my tooth ache, my ear and jaw ache as well. But you haven't heard the best part yet. Do you know how much it costs to have one tooth pulled? I was in shock when I asked. A minimum of $225.00!! If only I had dental insurance! :(

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