As Misty's World Turns - January 2002


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Mar. 1, 2002

I'm still fighting panic attacks and low blood sugar. I used to be able to distinguish between the two, now I have no idea which is which. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm sweating, my heart is throbbing in my chest, I feel faint and tingly all over, and my hands shake uncontrollably. All these symptoms could be either a panic attack, or my blood sugar levels dropping. I've been like this all week, several times a day, and now even in the middle of the night. It sure makes life interesting, to say the least. My Mom thinks I should go to her doctor, she's not crazy about the guy I see. And I'm not crazy about her doctor. So I'll probably do nothing, it's cheaper this way.

Mar. 4, 2002

They say women are hard to understand, and maybe we are, but we're not alone. Or, maybe it's just me. Either way, I find myself confused more and more. Confused as to what men want from me, and how I can get through the next phase of my life alone. Looking back, every man that I've ever dated, or considered a close and trusted friend, has let me down. One way or another I've been lied to, cheated on, used, abused, the list goes on and on. Each time I feel the need to isolate myself from the opposite sex.

Just when I feel strong enough to go on, another one comes along to play havoc with my heart, and my mind. The ghosts from my past seem to be all over. It's impossible for me to go on with the ghosts following every step I take. I've resolved myself to remain alone in this world. It's the only time I've been able to find true peace. I just wish the ghosts would leave me alone so I can continue with the remainder of my life in peace.

Mar. 9, 2002

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to write in here. I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to start another website. Last night, or should I say at 1:00 this morning I finished Misty Designs. This new site is a collection of bordered background sets, and tiled backgrounds. It's something I've been thinking about doing for a long time. I plan to add to the collection at least once a month.

Thursday was a strange day for me. A mix of sorrow, and a mix of pleasure. Sorrow because it was the 16th anniversary of my Father's death. And even though it's been 16 years, it still seems like yesterday to me. Losing him is something that I'll never really get over. I've learned to live with it, but nothing is the same anymore.

So as I awoke Thursday morning I had to remind myself this was going to be a happier day for me. I had been invited to see Elton John and Billy Joel in concert. I was so excited I could hardly wait for my date to pick me up at 6pm. The traffic was horrible, and we were about 20 mins late getting there. The concert was held at the National Car Rental Center in Sunrise, Fl. A huge place, where the Florida Panthers play hockey.

I had seen Elton John a few years back, in Charlotte, N.C., but our seats sucked, and I couldn't even tell who was on stage. This time we had fabulous seats, for $125 a piece they should have been. I'm just glad my ticket was free. (lol) I'd never seen Billy Joel before. We'd no more than sat down when they started playing "Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding". If you've never heard this done live, you're missing something extraordinary. I had such a terrific time that night, that it helped me to forget what a horrible day March 7, 1986 had been for me.

Mar. 15, 2002

My Mom suffers from Asthma and terrible allergies. So this week she's having the carpeting torn up, and tile installed. Because of the mess and dust involved in this process, she's been living at my brother's house. That leaves me here, alone. It's been so long since I lived alone, I'd forgotten how nice it was. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, and I enjoy her company, but there is something to be said for independent living too.

Preparing for the tile installation was hell. Everything in the entry, living room, dining room, and her bedroom had to be wrapped, packed, and moved. Everything from the walls had to be removed, and the waterbed had to be drained and moved. We each have a china cabinet full of cut glass, and antique china that had to be wrapped and packed away in the garage. It took me most of the week to recuperate from all the moving. This morning the tile man tells me he will be finished Monday. This means the whole "moving in" process will start Tuesday. To say I'm not looking forward to this is a huge understatement.

Mar. 17, 2002

So much for finishing the house by Monday. I swear, this guy is slower than molasses in January...or is that in March? lol I have no patience for people who can't make their appointments on time. This guy has never been here when he said he would. Today he was more than 3 hours late. Yesterday he was over 2 hours late. So here I sit, 7pm, starving, waiting for this moron to finish the grouting so I can get some food! Tonight he tells me he'll be finished with the house by Wednesday. Tomorrow he'll tell me it will be Friday. God himself is the only one hwo knows when this guy is going to finish.

In the meantime I've spent the whole week, trapped in this office. I can't leave because the tile is either wet, or the compound hasn't dried yet....on and on. The only way out of this room is going out through the window. I have the strongest urge to grab his trowel from him, and bash his brains out all over the new tile. lol

Mar. 19, 2002

I remember someone sending me a story once of 3 men....Love....Happiness....and Wealth. In this story the 3 men come upon a rich man, with a huge house. They asked the rich man if they could spend the night. He tells the 3 men to be on their way. Down the road a little farther the 3 men come upon a poor, old man with a small, little cottage. They ask the old man if he has room for them to spend the night. He gladly says, yes, please come in. The 3 men huddle together for a minute, speaking in whispers, then they say to the old man, you must pick one of us to stay with you. You haven't room for us all to stay. The old man thinks about this a minute, then says he'll take Love. Love walks in the door of the cottage followed by Wealth and Happiness. When the old man asks why they are all coming, they respond....when you have Love, happiness and wealth will follow.

Although it's just a story I once heard, I believe it's true. The power of love can do so many things. Love can make sane people do crazy things, it can make you miserable at the same time it's making you happy. Once Love has entered your life, nothing will ever be the same. Unfortunately, we can't always pick the right people to love, or to love us. Nor can we turn these feelings on and off like tap water. To be in love is such a wonderful, magical feeling. It fills you with a sense of euphoria nothing else can match. However, to be in love with someone you can't have, or someone far away, is as bitter as it is sweet. But I'd rather be in love this way, than to never know the feelings of warmth another person can give me. When you are loved by someone, nothing else really matters.

Mar. 23, 2002

Being in remission you forget just how miserable FMS can be. It's only when you lose your remission, and you hit rock bottom, that you're reminded how painful and depressing life is with FMS. The last few days I've been thrown back into the depths of hell again. Not being able to walk, use my arms, sleep, etc. The pain is now my constant companion, like it or not. I wake in pain, I live in pain all day, and at night I try to sleep in pain. My mood and my outlook on life gets worse and worse as the pain progresses and continues.

Today I've come to the conclusion that I need a make-over. Something to try to brighten up my spirits. I'm going to let my hair grow a little, get a perm, and possibly start coloring it again. I'm hoping if I can do something to perk up my looks, it will perk up my perspective on life again. If nothing else, at least it will be easier to take care of my hair. And I might look a little better along the way. Not that it matters much. I know the people who love me, love me for what's inside, and not my packaging. Thank you Wally, Kenny, and Harry. You make my life worth living.

Mar. 24, 2002

Why are people so hard to understand? They claim to like you, to be interested in you, wanting to be friends with you......and more. Yet they leave for days, and weeks at a time with no word from them. Am I the only one left in the world who finds time for the people who mean alot to me? Or am I just stupid enough to think they really care about me in the first place?

Mar. 27, 2002

To be loved inside and out, is the greatest joy there is in life. For years I viewed myself as my ex-husband viewed me. Overweight, not quite bright enough, or as he used to say "just smart enough to be dangerous". What little self esteem I had was totally destroyed over the 13 years we were married. I never said or did anything that was right, in his eyes. I got to the point where I was scared to utter a word for fear it wouldn't be right. I put up with this treatment for too long, not knowing for years that there was a way out.

July 5th, 2002 will be the 4th anniversary of the day I told my husband I wanted out. In the years since, I've tried to put together a life for myself. I've tried to regain some self esteem, and I've tried to put him, and my past behind me. It's taken me a long time, but I know I am a valuable person, what I have to say is important, and that I am lovable. A special person in my life has shown this to me in countless ways.

I've recently discovered a new website called ivillage. It's kind of like Lifetime Television for the net. Anything involving life, love, money, etc. is there for women. I was there the other night, poking around, when I found this compatibility quiz. I love to take quizzes, so I took this one. Using my information, and that of my ex-husband, I found out what I already knew...we were NOT compatible. lol Then I took the quiz again. This time I mailed the quiz to a special person. Tonight we got the results.

When he got online tonight he said, "Did you see the results of our compatibility quiz? Wow!" I said, "no I didn't...what are they???" I hadn't recieved them yet, so he mailed them to me. As I was reading the results he said, "It's very, very interesting. Looks like we should have met years ago! We are two of the most compatible people on earth! lol" In every catagory, and there are several to choose from, we matched perfectly. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, seeing that we talk together so well, and we seem to be thinking the same things at the same time. But it still blew me away. I think it shocked him too, he kept saying, "Can you believe those quiz results?!?!" LOL

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