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I haven't been as faithful to this journal as I once was, for many reasons. Lately I have been feeling burned out. My life has always been a series of things I felt I "had" to do. From being a good daughter and wife, to being what other people's expectations were of me. The older I get, the more I realize unless I'm happy first, I'm no good to anyone else. When I sit back and think how much I've changed just in the few years I've been online it overwhelms me. For some reason I've never felt that I was accepted, and it's always been my deep desire to have someone accept me for who I am, or what I've done with my life. I've tried various things over time to get that feeling of acceptance. I've joined and quit any number of online and offline groups over the years. My main problem is that I'm not a joiner, and probably never will be. Those who know me know this well. So I've tried to find other means of acceptance. From being with special people in my life, to jobs or projects that I think will gain me acceptance, etc. When it's all said and done, I guess I'm the one who determines whether I've gained the acceptance I've so desperately wanted all my life. There are many people in my life that give me a portion of what I need, but few that give me everything I need. I find that when I'm with the two special people who give me what I need, I'm at my utmost happiest, no matter what the situation is. In the last few months I find that I've tried to simplify my life as much as possible. Removing things from my life that give me undo stress, like my Blue Ribbon Award. Not allowing other people's expectations of me to rule my life. I've also sought and received help from my doctor. I'm now on a new medication that helps me to relax and to focus on what is really important in my life. But most importantly, I've come to realize that with the help of my most special friend, I can overcome any obstacles that come into my path.   I celebrate 20 years with FMS this year. 20 years of pain, fatigue, and severe bouts of depression. Followed by continued feelings of worthlessness, and unacceptance as a person in my own right. As well as all of the associated illnesses that accompany FMS...migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, short term memory loss, inability to concentrate, constant panic attacks, the list goes on and on. My Mom always says you can get used to hanging if you hang long enough, and I've gotten used to most of the effects of this illness. What I have trouble dealing with is the constant reminders that I'm able to do less and less each day. I've always had problems asking for any kind of help, and now my life is one long "please?". Over the last year there have been two things that have kept me plugging along. One being the fact that through my websites I'm able to touch people effected with FMS, and also teach the people who aren't sick just what FMS is, and how it effects other sufferers. The other thing that keeps me going is the love and devotion I receive from my friends. A short week from now I'll be meeting one of my very best friends. I've waited for this meeting for a year now. A year of late night, long distance phone calls, a year of messages just when I need to hear from her, and a year of total acceptance as a person. Soon I hope to have the opportunity to meet my other best friend. The one who is responsible for my being here today. The one who talked to me, begged me, and pleaded with me to seek help for my depression before it was too late, and I took the pills I had bought. He is also responsible for so much more. He is one of the few people who have made an unmeasurable impact in my life. Being here for me night after night, messaging me when he knows I need to talk, phoning me when I need more than messages, and loving me for who I am inside as well as who I am outside. The day I get to meet him, my life will be complete. Yesterday I cleaned, which for me means dusting. It took me over four hours just to dust the furniture and clean the knick knacks hanging around the house. I also cleaned the computer room, the most lived-in room of the house. (lol) Today I'm paying for every little thing I did yesterday. The pain in my left arm and shoulder has been incredible, not to mention the pain in my ribs. I'm all the time cracking a rib without knowing it and today it feels like three are messed up. Breathing and smoking has been interesting to say the least. I know, I know, smoking is bad for me. know what? I DON'T CARE! Other than sex....I think I remember that....smoking is the only other thing I can do these days. Last night as I was talking to my best friend, he told me he was planning a trip to S.C to meet me. I've felt like a kid at Christmas ever since. The last time we had company was about 7 years ago. Now in the span of a week I'll be entertaining not just one person, but two! I just hope they can stand my cooking. My baking I'm famous for, my cooking? Well, I might be famous, but not in the same way, if you know what I mean. Just when I need it most, my two best friends will be here at the same time. I've never been happier! After the storm had passed by, the people in his building went out to survey any damage to their vehicles, and campers. This is when Pres noticed that the rear window of our Ford Probe hatch was completely gone. Not only did we lose the window, but there has to be over 300 dents on the car from hail. I've never seen anything like it before. Dents on every surface of the car...both doors, the roof, the hood, the rear, you name it and there's a hail dent. He spent the day yesterday going to our insurance adjuster and trying to get things going to have the car repaired. Right now it sits in the garage, the backseat full of broken glass, and pieces of nearby trees that were blown in from the storm. I'm thankful that no one was hurt, and really thankfull that he'd driven the '93 Ford and not the '97 Chevy! (lol) At the same time Pres was experiencing the hail storm in northern Georgia, I was under a tornado warning here in South Carolina. I was all alone and petrified. I quickly prepared the hallway closet, and shut up what I could. I figured when the tornado came my way all I'd have to do was jump into the closet with Jack. I picked up the cordless phone and punched in the number to Don. When he answered the phone he could tell I was very upset. He quickly assured me that I would be ok, then started to try to take my mind off of the weather. By the time I hung up, 2 hours later, the storm had passed by and I was ok. It's times like these when people continue to prove themselves to you. Don has been here for me on more occasions than I can count. Comforting me when I'm scared, easing my mind when I'm upset, and joking around when I need to laugh. He is one of the best friends you could ever ask for. He is always here for me, and he always knows just what to do to calm me down. Today I'm trying to finish off a few last minute things before my Mom comes tomorrow for Mother's Day, and Jausten arrives Monday. I'm afraid Pres has picked up a small cold and is asleep in bed. I'd hoped he would be able to help with the things I can not do. I guess they will either get done or they won't. I've learned that when you have to rely upon others to do for you, you can't be impatient....although impatient is my middle name. (lol) Yesterday I visited with my Mom for the day, took her shopping, and to her nail appointment, etc. By the time I'd arrived home at 4:30 pm the house was turned upside down. I'd had some carpet cleaners come to clean the entire house. So when I got home everything was still drying out. Pres and I decided to grab a sub, then came home and put everything back where it belonged. We were both amazed at how nice a job they had done on the carpets. Not only were they white again, but they were able to get up all of Jack's blood spots, not to mention a spot where Jack had chewed on a pen and the ink had gone into the carpet years ago. By 7 pm the house was finally in order and ready for company. I'd spent the entire day getting more and more nervous as it got closer to the time Jausten would arrive. I knew it was silly to be nervous. Especially when she's the best girl friend I've ever had, and probably the only woman that I've ever felt this close to. I was afraid that since I'd only seen a piture of her that I wouldn't recognize her when she stepped off the plane. I didn't have to worry. (lol) Jausten's plane arrived a little after 9pm. Once I saw her coming off the plane I got up out of my wheelchair and we stood there and embraced. At that moment I knew it was stupid to have gotten so nervous. Standing there hugging her felt so right. We got her luggage and returned home. I think it was going on 2 am when we finally hugged goodnight and went to bed. As I sit here typing this entry she is still asleep in bed. I'm hoping I can keep Jack quiet so she can sleep as long as she needs to. Although I'm still very tired, the pain is just too unbearable to try to sleep. As Don and a few other friends had predicted, I had way over done the cleaning and preparation for Jausten's arrival. I'm sure neither of us is going to feel like setting the world on fire today. My big plans for the day are to make it to the porch and sit in the sun and talk the day away. Pres went to visit his family while Jausten and I spent the afternoon watching a video tape. It was so quiet and relaxing, and the movie was very good. Then we spent the remainder of the afternoon talking. By the time Pres got home she and I were playing on the computer. We decided to go out to dinner since none of us had much to eat today. Jausten said she wanted ribs, so we took her to a great rib place. The waitress had referred to me as "Ma'am" and to Pres as "Sir"...but never said anything to Jausten. Jausten acted like she was a little put out, soooo, (giggle) when the waitress came back Jausten began to say something to the waitress about it. I told the waitress to just ignore Jausten as she'd just recently been released from the mental hospital. We all got laughing so much I'm sure the waitress felt we'd all been recently released. (lol) As our meal wore on Jausten and I began shooting pieces of paper across the table at each other and making faces. Pres said..."Oh no, she's in her manic phase now". We all laughed so much that our cheeks were hurting by the time we stumbled into the car. Once we got home, both Jausten and I collapsed on the couch. I can't tell you how very much I've enjoyed her visit. Never before have I "clicked" with another woman in this way. It's like we're more sisters than we are friends. The nicest part of her visit has been how much fun we've all had. Pres, and especially Jack, have thoroughly enjoyed her visit also. Jack has almost turned into her dog now. (lol) I'm just glad that we've still got another week yet before she leaves. I'm hoping I'll feel better next week so she won't be seeing the same dr's office over and over. Jausten also keeps a journal. If you're interested in reading her side of this little trip, be sure to pop in and see what she's had to write. Just don't beleive anything she says about me driving. (lol) Jausten's Journal. Already the house feels so lonely and quiet. It seems that I've done little else but cry since they both left. I will miss them so very much. I tried to keep my mind busy by doing some cleaning up, and by remaking the bed in the guest room. But it hasn't helped much. My heart is with both of them. One of them flying home from Washington DC today, and the other one making an 8 1/2 hour trip home by truck. Jack also misses them both and has been as depressed as I am. He just walks from room to room smelling where they have both been, and looking at me like "aren't they coming back?". I almost feel like I'm in mourning. Mourning the loss of two people that know me better than I know myself at times...and love me despite my various problems and short comings. While Jausten was here we laughed, joked around, and spent many long hours talking and listening to each other. We went to the mountains, went to the movies, ate out in restaurants and just had a great time. She'd brought me a Canadian Mountie and some of the best chocolate I'd ever eaten, and I'd given her a necklace for her birthday. While Don was here we sat on the couch talking for hours and hours. We played cards, we went to the mountains, we ate meals out, we went to a flea market. He made me french toast (my favorite) every morning for breakfast, cooked me an excellent dinner one night, helped with ideas for dinner the night we bar-b-q'ed out. He pushed me in my wheelchair, helped me to pick out a new CD player for the house, helped me in and out of his truck, and allowed me to drive it everywhere. (something I don't think he allows all that often) Last night we sat on the couch and played "Name That Tune". I would hum a few notes of a song, and he would attempt to guess it. Although we were both dead tired from our trip to the mountains, not to mention all of the walking we did to get to the best vistas, neither of us wanted to quit playing and go to sleep. All morning we kept trying to put off the inevitable, his leaving. Finally we both knew he would have to leave. It was so hard to stand in the driveway, waving goodbye and trying not to cry. I know he was experiencing the exact same battle. I can count the special friends I've had in my life on one hand. Although neither of them lives as close as we'd like, my feelings for them, and the memories of the time I spent with both of them will never leave me. When I'm at my worst, and the pain becomes too much to bear, I'll sit back, close my eyes and picture all of the wonderful times we spent together. I'm not sure if Jack is getting sick, or if his not eating is because he too is lonely now everyone has left. I've been just the opposite, eating too much. I tend to do that when I'm either depressed, or unhappy. Yesterday I ended up eating all of the cherry pie Don had bought the night before, as well as polishing off the box of chocolates that Jausten had brought with her. I miss my friends. The days just seem to drag on and on now that they have both gone home. I knew adjusting to the loneliness was going to be hard, I just didn't think it was going to be this hard. My life has seemed like a series of unhappy events since I was a small child. When I look back in my mind at what has brought me total happiness there are very few events. The trip to Disneyland when I was 7 years old, the birth of my neices and nephews, the first day I owned and operated my own business, my wedding day, meeting Jausten and Don this year, and meeting Dave last year. It is rare to find and meet people who totally know you. People who can tell what you're thinking and know what to say or do to help. I'm lucky to have 3 people who fit into this catagory. Each of them knows a part of me so well, one knows all parts of me. It is that person whom I think of when I'm at my worst. It is also the memories of the things we shared that keep me going, that, and the hope of seeing more of this person in the future. For years I've been surrounded by people who claim to love me, people who claim to have my best interests at heart. But they really don't. Their actions only prove to me that they really don't love me anymore, and they really don't know what makes me happy, and they really don't know what I need so very much. When people constantly put you down, when they say hurtful things to you over and over, and when they make you feel like a piece of the furniture, they really don't love you. Sometimes it's not what someone says to you that hurts the most, it's how they say it, or in some cases, don't say it, that hurts. Brian will be staying with my mother until his folks come to pick him up over the 4th of July weekend. Although my sister-in-law is a little anxious that Brian will become bored, being here for a month, I'm sure he will have fun. I know I'm looking forward to him being here. I think the company will be good for my Mother also. She gets terribly lonely at times, and she and Brian get along so well. Today is also the company Bar-B-Q where my husband works. Last year was the first time we had attended this event, as Pres had just joined a new department. I was pleasantly surprised that I was not only spoken to, (most people tend to ignore me in my wheelchair), but the people in his group seemed to be very nice as well. Although I tend to hate these types of things, making small talk with people I don't know, I'm sure it won't be as bad as I fear. The sun is not shining today, so the temps should be a little more tolerable as I sit in my wheelchair poolside. I know, this sounds really nice huh? Actually it isn't as nice as it sounds since no one else sits poolside there, and in my wheelchair it's the only place I can go. It's times like this I mourn the loss of what my life used to be. It seems eons ago that I took part in volley ball games, played baseball, shot some hoops in basketball, and just enjoyed life. Now my roll in life is to be a spectator. Sitting on the sidelines watching other people as they enjoy the activities I miss so much. Twenty years of watching. God, what a long time it has been. I remember when we first moved to S.C., almost 9 years ago. Although I wasn't able to walk too far, or too often I hadn't yet been stuck in a wheelchair. Pres and I used to go to a park near here in the mountains, Table Rock. Along with a beautiful, peaceful lake, they also have a hiking trail that follows the creek that feeds the lake. Along this trail are several gorgeous waterfalls. We would walk to the first waterfall and spend the afternoon there in the shade of the stately elms and listen to the water gently rolling over the rocks. How I miss those simple pleasures. | |||||||||||||
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