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It's like our lives go on in the same manner every day until something changes our day to day existance. Once the one thing has been changed, everything in our lives changes. For me, that change has been this computer. Looking back now, I realize what drew me to the computer 3 years ago. It was the hope of finding what was lacking in my life. I had no idea that anything was lacking until I got online and started meeting people. Once I began interacting with people online I felt like something I had missed was now here. For me, it was feeling needed, wanted, and loved. It's amazing how much you crave what you don't have. From the moment I made my first connection online, my whole existance revolved around this computer. I would spend every waking moment I had online. When I wasn't online I was wishing I was online. Online to me meant being touched by another person's words, feelings, thoughts, just feeling someone in the world saw me for me, and wanted to spend time with me. I've always said that the best thing about meeting people online is the ease of opening yourself up, knowing you aren't being scoped out as you try to talk and share your feelings. You are judged only on what you tell others. Since they can't see you they don't know how much you weigh, or don't weigh, whether you can walk or not, all they know is what you tell them. Therefore they learn to know you, the person inside, not what they see as you, the packaging. I didn't realize until I got online just how barren my life had been. I was married, quite unhappily, the feeling of being loved and needed had gone long ago. I hadn't realized just how starved for the love of anyone I was until I began meeting people online. The more I connected with people, the more time I spent online. It was almost like a drug. It made me feel good, and I just couldn't seem to get enough. Now I know why my whole life had begun to revolved around my computer. It was because the computer had become my life! My life had become so limited and lonely. Leaving my husband and asking for a divorce was my first step to happiness. But living where people aren't friendly was as bad as being unhappily married. I realized the only time I was happy was when I was online talking or being in the company of someone. Living in an area where no one talked to me and I had no friends gave me no real chance for a shot at happiness. That's when I decided to just pack up and get the hell out. Now that I'm here in southern Florida I realize how little I need my computer now. In the last 3 weeks I've met more people than I ever did in the 10 years I lived in South Carolina. There are things for me to do here that never seemed possible for me in S.C. either. Plus my family is close by. The friends I've made online will always be my friends, but the computer will no longer be my sole existance, nor should it be. Therefore, I've decided to start taking apart my web empire, (such as it is). Some of my websites will stay, and some will go. Like my new life, I'm taking it one day at a time.   With next week being Thanksgiving, I can think of nothing better than to be thankful for my new surroundings. And to be thankful that for once I was able to break out of a life so unhappy that suicide seemed my only escape. I realize now that all of the frustrations and all of the time dealing with my divorce has been worthwhile to me. For the first time in so many years I can say that I'm finally content. My days begin with a cup of coffee as I sit on the back porch and watch the various birds. Living next to a canal we get the most unusual birds here. I finally broke down and bought a book to enable me to identify what I saw. I now know all the names of the various birds I see daily. In the mornings there are small egrets that walk along the canal, as well as small blue herons. In the afternoons the limpkins show up, as do the mooring hens (which look like black chickens). Late afternoon the storks show up along with the large blue herons and the ospry's. I find it so relaxing to just sit in the shade of the porch, listening to the calls of the different birds, watching them looking for small shellfish, and feeling the ever present warm breeze on my face. When I leave the house to go shopping, even this experience is pleasant. The people working in the stores here are so friendly. I've found myself talking to total strangers for the first time in years. Another first for me is the feeling that I no longer have to hide the fact that I'm not "from around here". In South Carolina I felt as if I had to keep the fact that I was a northerner secret. Here, I can celebrate the fact that I'm not from here, and feel as if for once I'll be accepted regardless. When I think back on the last 16 months I realize just how much has changed in my life. Not all of it has been easy, or pleasant, but it's been necessary to the continued happiness of my life. After a very long journey, I can now see the light at the end of the road. Although I have just found out that my divorce won't be close to being final for at least another 6 months...or more...it's all been worth it to me. Now that I'm happy, and in control of my own life again, the "time" I have to do now will come fast to me. | |||||
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