Oct. 2, 2001
Having Fibromyalgia is always interesting. You just never know when you'll lose your remission, or how long your remission might last, if you do get one. Therefore, making plans seems like a total waste of time to me. But I've never been one of those "fly by the seat of my pants gals" either. When you don't work, and you have little contact with people, planning an event takes on a whole new meaning to people like me.
I'd been hoping to go away this weekend on a boat, and I might still if I can get rid of my latest bout with FM. Although I'm not going to hold my breath, suffocation is a horrible way to go ya know. ;) I had wanted to go on the boat last weekend, but with my birthday, and being socked in by a horrible storm all weekend, it just never materialized. And I guess, as birthdays go, it was ok. I would have loved to have my whole family together, but that will never happen again. Especially with all the fright over flying, and the increased costs, etc.
Turning 41 seemed kind of anticlimactic to me. If I hadn't known better, I would have sworn it was just another Saturday. Like always, my Mother put her whole self into making my birthday not only fun, but tasty as well, cooking and baking non-stop all day. (I was blessed with terrific parents!) I had received lovely cards and letters from dear friends like Mark and Cyn (thanks guys, I love you!!), and great stuff from my brother Mark and his family, as well as my sister, and my oldest niece and her family. This year seemed different though, and I can't quite put my finger on the reason why.
Maybe I'm finally getting "old", or maybe in the light or recent developments in the world, a birthday seems pretty insignificant. Who knows for sure. I do know that my health has started to decline rapidly, after such a nice reprieve. There's nothing like being in excruciating pain, non-stop 24/7 to make your outlook on life change. After so many years of being out of remission, then having one that lasted longer than any I've had before, losing it almost feels like dealing with a death of a loved one. I'm never quite sure what's the hardest to take, being in constant debilitating pain, not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night, not being able to concentrate enough to read a book, not being able to sit up or stand, or the total feeling of loss you experience. Loss of life, loss of independence, loss of self esteem, or loss of contact with people. Or all of the above.
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