As Misty's World Turns - September 2000


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Sept. 8, 2000

As I read through my journal tonight, I realized my last entry was about hurricane Debbie. Thankfully she never amounted to much. (like my love life) Many times I've come in here to write down one thing or another, but I would get side tracked somehow.

My Mom and I had my 2 youngest nephews (Mike & JR), here to visit over the Memorial Day weekend. We drove up to their house on Friday, picked up their Mom, then drove over to their school to pick them up. Once we'd driven back to their house and got their luggage, we were on our way. We stopped half way home for dinner at their favorite restaurant, The Cracker Barrel. Between the horrible traffic, and the relentless thunder storms, we didn't get home until 9:00 pm.

The next day we took Mike, JR, and my oldest nephew Brian, (who lives here in town) to Miami to The Parrot Jungle. This was my first time to Miami and the Parrot Jungle. Luckily, this place was situated in one of the better parts of Miami. (lol) As is usual for late August in south Florida, it was HOT & HUMID as hell. Despite the heat and humidity we had a terrific time. We walked all around the "jungle", checked out the petting zoo (one of the goats ate JR's shorts...lol), the monkeys, the alligators, the flamingos, and the parrots. Literally hundreds of parrots of every size and color.

The best part of the day was the parrot show. Parrots are incredibly intelligent, and at the Parrot Jungle the parrots are trained to do many things. At the start of the show a parrot pulls a cord to raise the American flag. Then another parrot rides a bicycle across a high wire (with no net!). Next came the parrot race. Two parrots pick up the handle to a charriot and race each other across the stage and back. I enjoyed the show every bit as much as the boys did. If you're ever in Miami, or coming to south Florida for a visit, seeing Parrot Jungle should be on your list of things to do!

Now that the kids have gone back home, it seems so quiet and lonely here. It's amazing how having a kid or two around makes everything so much fun. Maybe it's the fact that everything seems new and exciting to them, or that they are so full of love to share with me. All I know is I wish I could just keep them here with me. In many ways I feel like I've been cheated. My childhood was spent in hospitals, and learning to cope with the fact that my Dad was dying. I was never able to have the child I wanted. I never had a husband who gave a shit about me. I never knew what it was like to be healthy and "normal". I'm not sure if my depression is due to my FMS, the absence of the boys, knowing I'll never get married again, or the fact that I will turn 40 this month. I've always heard the phrase: "life starts at 40". I wonder if this is really true, or just something they say to make you feel better.

One of my greatest fears is losing my Mom. We both have the same hobbies. We both need someone to take care of us. She and I are as close as two people can be. I know what she's thinking, and she knows what I'm thinking. She's my best friend. I have been very fortunate in my life to have a mother like her. When I decided to get a divorce, she was very supportive. When I finally got my divorce, she invited me to come to Florida to live with her. With each passing year, I know someday I'll have to lose her. I also know that I'll once again be homeless. She has already told me that she plans to leave her house to me, and for that I'm grateful. The problem is I can't afford to maintain her home. There is no way I can possibly live here on my own. I hardly make ends meet now. Between the car insurance, the medical insurance, life insurance, the cost of my medications, car payments, and my quarterly estimated income tax payments, there isn't much money left. I could never afford to add the cost of utilities and taxes on to what I already pay for.

So I wonder what will become of me in the next year or so. I'd like to live to see my nieces and nephews grown up and on their own. Each one of them is special, and I'd love to see them all make something of themselves. But then I feel like my life has been over for awhile, and I'm just biding my time here. And still the clock keeps ticking.....40.....40.....40!

Sept. 13, 2000

What I had initially written in my journal today was deleted. It was pointed out to me that what I had written could be used in a lawsuit against me. It's a shame when I can't even put my thoughts on paper anymore for fear that what I say and feel could and would be used against me in a lawsuit. I guess it's finally hit me that I can no longer put my feelings on paper for others to read. Wether or not I continue to keep this journal remains to be seen.

Sept. 21, 2000

It's now official that I'm through my "dewy-fresh-and-all-new" phase of my life, and I'm entering my "holding-up-well-looking-good-for-my-age" phase! (lol) Thanks for the card Cyn. (smile)

40 years old. I'm beginning to wonder where have the years gone. Probably down the toilet. (lol) Although my friend is a little early with my birthday card, (it's the 29th), it does make me stop and think about what I've accomplished in 40 years. Let's see, I've loved and lost my father, I've graduated from cosmetology school in NY state, I've worked as a hairdresser for other people as well as having my own business for a number of years in Pa. I've gotten married, I've sold my business and put my ex-husband through Graduate School in NY state, and I've moved to South Carolina. I've suffered with FMS & CFIDS for the last 22 years. I've divorced my husband and left South Carolina, I've moved to Florida and live with my mother.

I guess that's probably enough for one life. I once heard that "turning 40 was the beginning of your life". Why is it that I feel like it's more the ending of my life? I guess I shouldn't complain, my life is better now than it's ever been...for the most part. My health remains the same as it's been, but then it always will until they find a cure for FMS & CFIDS. I love the area I live in, and I thoroughly enjoy living closer to my family. I guess I would feel that my life was complete if I could find that one special man out there. All I can do is take each day at a time.

Sept. 22, 2000

It seems like we go through our lives chasing the "dream". The "dream" being what we've read about in books, what we've seen at the movies, even what we've seen on TV. Someone to love us unconditionally, someone who is our soulmate, someone who makes every day new and alive for us. Unfortunately for alot of us out here in the real world, we realize it's just that....a dream.

As little girls we're read books about Cinderella and how she meets Prince Charming and how they live happily ever after. As adults we read novels where the heroine meets and marrys "Mr. Right", and they live happily ever after. At the movies we see Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks meet, fall in love, marry, and of course, live happily ever after. We even see a prostitute from the worst part of Hollywood meet a single, rich and handsome lawyer. In no time at all he comes to "Rescue" her in Pretty Woman.

It's not surprising that many people in this world still hold out for the "dream". All our lives this has been THE goal to achieve. This is what we were meant to do with our lives, find THE man, and live happily ever after. Some of us, like myself, want this dream to happen so badly that we jump at the first thing that resembles "the dream". It's not until later, when we realize we were wrong, that it's too late. Maybe what we have now is as good as it gets. Maybe there is no Prince Charming out there waiting for us. Maybe the sooner we realize the "dream" is nothing more than a terrific story and a wonderful dream...maybe then we can be truly happy. Who's to say for sure?

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