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HOW ABOUT THAT!!
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected and it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentraction. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.
New element of the periodic table
Element : Woman
Symbol : Woe
Discoverer : Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg; isotopes vary from 40 - 200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin painted film
2. Boils at room Temperature
3. Freezes without any known reason
4. Melts if given special treatment
5. Bitter if incorrectly used
6. Found in various states, ranging from metals to common ore
7. Ductile
8. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive
substances
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
!!! WARNING !!!
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS !!!!!!
Editor's Note: None of the above applies to the species found in India.
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