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Working Perfectly:
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
Daddy, what is sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough for a straight answer.
He proceeds to tell her all about the 'birds and bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Chronic Complainer
The woman was always frequenting small antique shops, but regardless of what she saw there, she always complained about something. The quality was poor, the prices too high, or the selection was limited.
The shop owners took it in stride, but one day, while ranting and raving, she yelled at the clerk, "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?"
The clerk smiled and replied, "Possibly, because we're too polite."
Wild Chickens
Poor Robert was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in.
The neighbor kept telling him the chickens had the right to go where they wanted, but the birds were ruining Robert's prize-winning flowerbeds.
Two weeks later, a friend visited Robert and noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
Robert replied, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flowerbed. The next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I haven't been bothered since."
Feeling Guilty
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalm 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
Sincerely, Taxpayer
P.S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
God & his Disciple:
Almighty God was creating the universe and was giving instruction to his disciples that every creation has to be balanced, and started giving examples one by one.
1. Look at the continent of Africa, it has so many varieties of species, has gold and diamond mines, but still it is called the Dark Continent.
2. Look at America I had blessed them with wealth and prosperity and I gave them all sorts of worries and tensions.
3. Look at South America I had blessed them with rich forest cover, and I had not given the people space to settle down. After these examples one of the disciple asked which is this small place which is covered by water on three sides, at this question god said this one of my best creation is India, it has very good people, has rich cultural values, people are happy here.
At this remark the disciple asked, god, here you made a mistake, you had blessed India with only good things. At this God objected to the disciple.
"How can you say that, don’t you see that I had given India a neighbor as Pakistan also."
Airsick:
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he gets sick all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
'So,' says the little guy, 'are you feeling better now?'
Heaven and Hell:
Heaven is when you have:
An American Salary
A British Home
Chinese Food
An Indian Wife
Hell is when you have:
An American Wife
British Food
A Chinese Home
An Indian Salary
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