It's All in the Punctuation:
An English professor wrote up on the board "woman without her man is nothing." He told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The Females wrote "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Spelling:
An English teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor."
"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing.

Help:
A burglar alarm goes off in the middle of the night, and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied the crook.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get reliable help these days?"

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly Under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate:
We have become aware of the flaws in upgrading from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and currently have techs who are beta-testing both Husband 2.0 and Husband 3.0.
Unfortunately, these also seem to encounter some fatal exception errors, which we believe may actually be caused by a conflict in the software for Wife 1.0.
It appears that when the upgrade is installed an accidental reconfiguration of the exec files in Wife 1.0 occurs in the Finance, Glutamus and Bedroom folders. Two of these files become too large for the hard-drive, and the driver for the other becomes corrupted and no longer functions as promised.
In addition, the installation of Wife 1.0 automatically uninstalls any previous versions of Girlfriend. It was hoped that the installation would simply over-write Girlfriend and maintain some of its fully functional characteristics, but our experience has been that this is not the case. In any event, please advise the installer of Wife 1.0 that it is not advisable to reinstall Girlfriend and attempt to run both programs at the same time.
We are currently working on these problems, but be forewarned that, even after what seems like a proper install, including a full disc scan and defrag, there are some minor virus worms that are not detected when first installing Wife 1.0.
Despite our best efforts and our ongoing testing procedures, we may just have to fully uninstall Wife 1.0, run another complete defrag, and install our newest product: Wife 2.0.
Should you have any further problems, please have the user who installed Wife 1.0 contact us for the uninstall procedures.
The costs for the new software have not yet been determined, and, as always, installation of our software products is at your own risk. We are unable to give refunds at this time.
I hope we have been able to answer your questions.
Sincerely,
Tech Support

Wealth, Wisdom Or Beauty:

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.’ Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers to him, 'Say something.' The dean sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'

If you want feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can’t buy.

In matters of style, swim with the current, in matters of principle stand like a rock.

Friendship with one's self is all-important, because without it one cannot be a friend with anyone else in the world.

I have found that being honest is the best technique I can use. Right upfront, tell people what you're trying to accomplish and what you're willing to sacrifice to accomplish it "

Nothing arouses ambition so much in the heart as the trumpet-clang of another’s fame.

Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is the courage that counts.

The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring. And that is not happiness.

Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for talent is genius.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

I am only one, but I am still one; I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.