|
A Day Off!!!??
Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?
Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week,
leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!
Story Behind:
A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak.
'Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty.' The man turned back around and looked in shock. 'Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay five?'
The Shopkeeper grinned and nodded. Not believing what a bargain he'd got, the man quickly paid and walked out of the store. A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his path and continued walking. When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones.
The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, 'I expect you've come back to buy the story.' The shopkeeper held out his hand for the fifty dollars. The customer looked confused for a second, then said.
'Heck no! I wanna know if you've got a statue of a lawyer!'
TEACHER'S DAY
On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, 'I bet I know what it is.... some flowers.'
'That's right!' said the boy. 'But how did you know?' 'Just a wild guess,' she said.
The next pupil was the candy storeowner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, 'I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy.'
‘That is right! But how did you know?' asked the girl. 'Just a lucky guess,' said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor storeowner’s son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it.
'Is it wine?' she asked.
'Nope,' the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.
'Is it champagne?' she asked.
'Nope,' the boy replied.
The teacher then said, 'I give up, what is it?'
The boy replied, 'A puppy!'
The New CEO:
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his
chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, 'And how much money do you make a week?'
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, 'I make $200.00 a week. Why?'
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, 'Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!'
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?'
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, 'He's the pizza delivery guy.'
Word Of Commands
A man walks into a village. He sees a stable and a sign that says 'Horses For Sale.' He asks the owner (who is also a priest) if he can buy his cheapest horse.
The owner shows him a horse that has been tamed by members of his parish. The priest tells him the commands. Say 'Praise the Lord' to go and 'Amen' to stop.
The man buys the horse and rides it off into the nearby hills. He sees a cliff ahead of him and tries to make the horse stop by saying 'whoa!' but the horse keeps running.
At the very last moment he remembers and says 'Amen!' The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. With a sigh of relief, he says 'Praise the Lord!'
Exchange Of Doubts:
This man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, 'Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?'
The other guy yells back, 'No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?'
Clueless Parrot:
A magician had settled into a comfortable gig on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot, which would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying things like, 'Big deal, the card's up his sleeve,' or 'He put the ball in a hidden floor, the faker!'
One night the ship began to sink. Confusion reigned, and the magician was barely able to hop into a tiny lifeboat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the tiny craft, staring at the magician. Finally, the parrot blurted out,
'OK, I give up! Where'd you put the ship?'
|