Jokes, Quotations & Trivia for September 2002
Compiled by Sudarshan

 

An older man of 73 moves into a senior apartment complex right on the golf course. Since he loves to play he thinks it is ideal. However, due to his poor eyesight, whenever he hits the ball, he loses it and spends a great deal of time looking for it. This aggravates the other younger Players so soon he cannot find anyone to play with. He goes to the golf pro and asks for help. The golf pro says,’ your in luck. A new member is 92 years old but has great eyesight.’ So, they team up together. At the first hole, the man with bad eyesight takes a swing and whack, the ball takes off.
'Did you see it?’ 'Did you see it?' says the younger man.
'Yes' replies the older man. 'Where did it go?' says the younger man.
'I don't know;' says the older man 'I can't remember.


A Psychiatrist is assessing the mental status of three patients.
He asks each of them to answer the question,
'What’s three times three?'
The first patient says, '158.' The second patient replies, 'Tuesday.'
The third patient answers, 'nine.'
The shrink turns to this last patient and asks, 'Good! but how did you came up with the correct answer?'
'Easy,' he quipped, 'Just subtract 158 from Tuesday!'


A newly married man asks his wife, 'would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Darling,' the woman replies sweetly, 'I'd have Married you no matter who left you a fortune.'


There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to process all mail that had in illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, 'Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about.‘
So he opened it and read, 'Dear God, I am an 83-year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?'
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered excitedly around while the letter was opened. It read, 'Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving jerks at the post office again!'


Last month God sent an angel down from Heaven to see what percent of the world was ‘good’? After a couple of days, the angel came back and reported that only 5% was 'good'. God couldn't believe that so he got a second opinion.
When the second angel came back and reported the same thing, God decided it was time to get the 'good' people out of this troubled world.
He decided to send everybody who was 'good' a letter telling them what to do and where to go.
Do you know what God's letter was?....................


Oh, so you didn't get one either?


The fish & game warden in Alberta stopped a man recently. He had with him two buckets of fish. He was leaving Shaw's Point on Slave Lake, well known for its great fishing.
The fish & game warden asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch all those fish?'
The man replied to the game warden: 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?' the warden replied.
'Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again.'
'That's a bunch of hogwash! Fish can't do that!’ was the outburst from the Warden.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.''O.K. I've GOT to see this!' The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well?'
'Well, what?' the man responded.
'When are you going to call them back?' The game warden prompted.
'Call who back?' The man asked.
'The FISH.' the warden said.
'What fish?' The man asked.


Secrets for a Happy Life in Men
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money
3. It is important to find a women that likes to have sex
4. It is important that these three women never meet.


  Quotations

 

We all cannot do great things. But we can do small things with great love. It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing.

No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.

Laughter is one of the very privileges of reason, being confined to the human species.

The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or burst.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.

A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.

It’s not that I am afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.


  Trivia Quiz

 

Q: Which is the only Asian Country uses the American (US) Dollar as its Currency?
Q: Which Country’s postal stamps are the costliest ones?
Q: What is the name for the abnormality of having six fingers or six toes on one or both the hands and feet ?
Q: Which is the most abundant metal in the Earth's crust?
Q: What is the quantity of honey, the average worker bee produces in its entire lifetime?
Q: Which is the only bird that can fly backwards?
Q: Which bird is a national bird of a Country, can’t fly is almost blind and lives in a hole made in the ground, lays only one egg each year and has survived for more than 70 million years?
Q: What is the official term used for the head side of the coin?
Q: What is the International telephone dialing code for Antarctica?
Q: What is the seating capacity of China’s Beijing Duck Restaurant at a time?

Back to the main page