|
An E-Mail To The Wrong Wife
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor unconscious. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday, as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Made for each other
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die':
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die!' she replied.
How to truly impress a client
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, 'Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.'
'Yes?'
選 am sitting right over there,' pointing to my seat at the bar, 'and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say,
'Hi, Ray,鋳
'Sure.'
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
'Hi, Ray,' he said.
I replied, 'Get out of here, Gates, don't you see I'm in a meeting?'
A Shepherd and a Software Professional
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd 'If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them?'
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the sheep, which graze
and says 'All right'.
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here'.
The shepherd answers 'That's correct, you can have your sheep'.
The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep.
The shepherd looks at him and asks 'If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me?'
The young man answers 'Yes, why not' the shepherd says 'You are a Software Consultant!'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
Very simple, answers the shepherd 'First, you come here without being called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!'
Sin of lying
A minister told his congregation, 'Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.'
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. All hands went up.
The minister smiled and said, 'Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my Sermon on the sin of lying.'
Mistranslations
In a hotel in Athens
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
In a Paris hotel elevator
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
In a Japanese hotel
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
悩ou are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
|