Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, 'this dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we are having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.' Of course, the Reverend was shocked. 'You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!' he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, 'Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?' and ending with, 'Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.'
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he had gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. 'All right,' he said, 'give him the dog.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A Nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray, 'Take only one, God is watching.'
Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want, God is watching the apples.'

Breast Milk A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question was 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No needs to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, and then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

COOL DEFINITIONS:
Marriage: An institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gets her master's.
Politician: Someone who chose politics because he discovered it to be the most promising of all careers and he was always good at making promises.
Doctor: A person who cures your ills by pills and kills you by his bills.
Shaving: An exercise that is performed on the face from time to time to get rid of the excess blood that gets accumulated there.
Alimony: A mode of payment that enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried.
Cheat: A person for whom, when he borrows money, it is not only against his principle to pay interest, but also against his interest to pay the principle.

What Are You?

If you can start the day without coffee or tea,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


...Then you are probably a cat or a dog.

Life is like a beautiful melody; only the lyrics are messed up.

Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is.

The ends must justify the means.

Nothing is more terrible than activity without insight.

The real measure of your wealth is how much you would be worth if you lost all your money.

Great thing are not done by impulse, but by series of small things brought together.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

You may be disappointed if you fail. But you are doomed if you don’t try.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

10. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.