Introduction

This is a chapter on how to introduce people to one another.
 The aim of introduction is to conceal a person's identity. It is very important that you should not pronounce anybody's name in a way that the other party may be able to catch it. Generally speaking, your pronounciation is a  sound guarantee for that.
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Once the introduction has been made you have to inquire after the health of your new acquitance.
 Try the thing in your own language. Introduce the persons, let us say, in French and murmur their names. Should they shake hands and ask:
'Comment allez-vous?'
'Comment allez-vous?' - it will be a capital joke, and will be remembered till their last days.
 Do not forget, however, that your new friend, who is making this touching inquiry after your state of health does not care in the least whether you are well and kicking or dying of delirium tremens. A dialogue like this:
HE: 'How d'you do?'
YOU: "General state of health fairly satisfactory. Slight insomnia and a rather bad corn on the left foot. Blood pressure low, digestion slow but normal.'
- well, such a dialogue would be unforgivable.
 

The weather

THIS is the most important topic in the land. Do not be misled by memories of your youth,, when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you remarked: "He is the type who would discuss the weather with you.' In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good in discussing the weather.

EXAMPLES OF CONVERSATION
For Good Weather

'Lovely day, isn't it?'
'Isn't it beautiful?'
'The sun...'
'Isn't it gorgeous?'
'Wonderful, isn't it?'
'It's so nice and hot...'
'Personally, I think it's so nice when it's hot - isn't it?'
'I adore it - don't you ?'

For Bad Weather

'Nasty day, isn't it?'
'Isn't it dreadful?'
'The rain... I hate rain..'
'I don't like it at all. Do you?'
'Fancy such a day in July. Rain in the morning, then a bit of sunshine, and then rain, rain, rain, all day long.'
''I remember exactly the same July day in 1936.'
'Yes, I remeber too.'
'Or was it in 1928?'
'Yes it was.'
'Or was in 1939?'
'Yes, that's right.'

Now observe the last few sentences of this conversation. A very important rule emerges from it. You should never contradict anybody when discussing the weather. Should it hail and snow, should hurricanes uproot the trees from the side of the road, and should someone remark to you: 'Nice day, isn't it?' - answer without hesitation: 'Isn't it lovely?'
 Learn the above conversations by heart. If you are a bit slow in picking things up, learn at least one conversation, it would do wonderfully for any occasion.
 If you do not say anything else for the rest of your life, just repeat this conversation, you still have a fair chance of passing as a remarkably witty man of sharp intellect, keen observation and extermely pleasant manners.
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Sex

The language

How to be Rude

IT IS easy to be rude on the Continent. You just have to shout and call people names of a zoological character.
 On a slightly higher level you may invent a few stories against your opponents. In Budapest, for instance, when a rather unpleasant-looking actress joined a nudist club, her younger and prettier colleagues spread the story that she has been accepted only under the condition that she should wear a fig-leaf on her face. Or in the same scity there was a painter with limited abilities who was a most succesful card-player. A colleague of his remarked once: 'What a spendthrift! All the money he makes on industrious gambling at night, he spends on his painting during the day.'
 In England rudeness has quite a different technique. If somebody tells you an obviously untrue story, on the Continent you would remark 'You are a liar, Sir, and a rather dirty one at that.' In England you just say 'Oh, is that so?' Or 'That's a rather unusual story, isn't it?'
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Terribly rude expressions (if pronounced grimly) are: 'I'm afraid that...' 'unless...' 'neverheless...''How queer...' and 'I'm sorry, but...'
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Journalism or the Freedom of the Press

The fact

THERE was some trouble with the Buburuk tribe in the Pacific Island, Charamak. A party of ten English and two American soldiers, under the Command of Capt. R.L.A.T.W. Tilbury, raided the island and took 217 revolutionary, native troublemakers prisoner and wrecked two large oil-dumps. The party remained ashore an hour-and-a half and returned to their base without the loss to themselves.
 How to report this event? It depends which  newspaper you work for.
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Evening standard

(Londoner's Diary"

The most interseting feature of the Charamak raid is the fact that Reggie Tilbury is the fifth son of the Earl  of Bayswater. He was an Oxford Blue, a first-class cricketer and quite good at polo. When I talked to his wife (Lady Clarisse, the daughter of Lord Elasson) at Claridges today, she wore a black suit and a tiny black hat with a yellow feather in it. She said: 'Reggie was always very much interested in warfare.' Later she remarked:'It was very clever of him, wasn't it?'

You may write a letter to the Editor of The Times:
'Sir, - In connection with the Charamak raid I should like to mention as a matter of considerable interest that it was that little Pacific Island that the distinguished English poet, John Flat, wrote his famous poem "The Cod" in 1693. Yours, etc...'
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If you are the London correspondent of the American paper

THE OKLAHOMA SUN

simply cable this:
'Yanks Conquer Pacific Ocean."
 

On not knowing foreign languages

A TRUE-BORN Englishman does not know any language. He does not speak English too well either but, at least, he is not proud of this. He is, however, immensely proud of not knowing any foreign languages. Indeed, inability to speak foreign languages seems to be the major, if not the only, intellectual achievement of the average Englishman.
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Sex

THIS SEEMINGLY most immutable of all social habits changes too - and changes fast. In an earlier volume of mine - a treatise on the English character* - I wrote a very brief chapter on this subject. It ran: 'Continental people have sex life: the English have hot-water bottles.' That was all. It has now become hopelessly out-of-date. How right was the kind (and to me unknown) lady who wrote to me in a letter:
'You are really behind the times. In this field, too, things have changed, and - this is the most important - techniques have advanced. We are using electric blankets nowadays.'
...
* How to be an alien, by George Mikes, Nicolas Bentley drew the pictures, Andre Deutsch, 7s6d. Available at all better class bookshops. Order two  copies now.

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But can we trust them as leaders? . . . When I was a small boy we used to play football every Saturday afternoon in the field ( it would be called the village green in Eng land ). Our centre forward was always the same little boy, let's call him Sammy. There was always a great deal of argument as to who should be in the team and what position one or another boyshould occupy. But there was never any argument about the position of the centre-forward. It had to be Sammy. He was not a very good player; he could not use his left foot at all. But he wanted to play centre-forward and centre-forward he played. The ball belonged to him.
 

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